What about the Kids?

Ravenscroft

Banned
...& there's a rather huge difference between "manipulation" & the sort of cause-&-effect that single-celled organisms manage to figure out. :rolleyes:

In fact, abusing the word "manipulation" is manipulative, but let's set that aside as obvious to that same single-celled organism. :D

Once again, anything other than full-contact love-bombing is quickly presented as The Evil Bogeyman, equated to locking the kid in a box & feeding it through a hole.

Looks like there's consensus forming: having given birth, a mother should set aside ALL other close relationships, in order that the child will have Mommy's undivided attention with no messy distractions. Time out for contact with anyone else -- primary partner (let alone any nonsense like dating), friends, older children -- should be left completely out of the picture for... well, what do you say, six months? a year? five years? maybe twelve?

And of course you gotta unplug the TV, get rid of the Internet, & lay off Facebook & Twitter... unless someone can make the case that those distractions are somehow better for Baby.

Or has some sort of middle ground finally appeared in this conversation?
 
...& there's a rather huge difference between "manipulation" & the sort of cause-&-effect that single-celled organisms manage to figure out. :rolleyes:

In fact, abusing the word "manipulation" is manipulative, but let's set that aside as obvious to that same single-celled organism. :D

Once again, anything other than full-contact love-bombing is quickly presented as The Evil Bogeyman, equated to locking the kid in a box & feeding it through a hole.

Looks like there's consensus forming: having given birth, a mother should set aside ALL other close relationships, in order that the child will have Mommy's undivided attention with no messy distractions. Time out for contact with anyone else -- primary partner (let alone any nonsense like dating), friends, older children -- should be left completely out of the picture for... well, what do you say, six months? a year? five years? maybe twelve?

And of course you gotta unplug the TV, get rid of the Internet, & lay off Facebook & Twitter... unless someone can make the case that those distractions are somehow better for Baby.

Or has some sort of middle ground finally appeared in this conversation?

This whole post is a perfect example of what was talked about briefly on another thread, when someone said that normally they'd have been happy to have someone give you a tongue lashing (I can't remember exactly how it was phrased). Almost every post you make contains some sort of sarcastic mocking of the last few posters, a long example of how you do things perfectly in your life, and then telling the other posters that they are wrong and the really strong implication that the only right way is your way.

It's hard to have a discussion with someone who is convinced that they are the final authority on a subject. This attitude doesn't encourage discussion, it shuts down the discussion because very few people want to put themselves out there when they know it's going to result in being mocked and being told that their views are all wrong.
 
Looks like there's consensus forming: having given birth, a mother should set aside ALL other close relationships, in order that the child will have Mommy's undivided attention with no messy distractions. Time out for contact with anyone else -- primary partner (let alone any nonsense like dating), friends, older children -- should be left completely out of the picture for... well, what do you say, six months? a year? five years? maybe twelve?

I wouldn't see it as just a thing that mummy does. Raising kids, in my opinion, needs to be the focus for parents until the kids have left high school and are old enough to be forming their own lives.

I think that does mean sticking mostly to activities and friendships that can include the children. My parents had tons of friends and very full lives both before they were parents, during the years we were children and after we were grown up. The difference was that while we were children, the stuff they did included us for the vast majority of their time. They didn't have no friends but the friends all came and did stuff with us. We spent about half our weekends and all of our holiday time living with family friends so that we - and our parents - did get plenty of social time.

I get that is restrictive to people who feel as if their needs are not being met unless they get 2 or 3 nights a week away from their kids to see their other partner or to go on dates.

I'd feel restricted to live the life that my parents did and the ones I see my siblings living. That's fine. I know that about myself and I know that I wouldn't be willing to do what I think is needed to bring children up well - so I don't have any children. It isn't difficult to avoid pregnancy where I live. The human race is not about to die out due to lack of babies. Nobody has to have children.

I don't understand the drive to reproduce in people who live lives that aren't compatible with children and which they aren't willing to change. It seems bizarre to me but I think it is important not to try and justify lack of parenting as okay because the parents aren't willing to be parents.

IP
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Re:
"The human race is not about to die out due to lack of babies. Nobody has to have children."

Amen!
 

clemenC

New member
For what it's worth, just an irl experience to share - My best friend has a child and is with a man (as his second wife) and the first still lives with them with her two children (same dad).

They tell people in the neighborhood the first wife is her child's aunt (the child knows this and it's not a problem since it's been since day one).

really, the whole situation is quite like that show Big Love but without the religion.

I have always felt that with children, poly makes the most sense. I have seen it work irl and I've studied it in college. I think having no children, it gets more complicated because it isn't the same "family" dynamic as with children involved.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
Oh, I don't know about that. My youngest is almost 19, but my husbands and I still consider ourselves a family, and we have a family dynamic. We will even after she leaves the nest. You don't need kids to share common life goals and direction. I have never watched the TV show you keep referencing, so I can't comment there. :)
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
I've watched some of Big Love, and liked the first season. After that, they should change the name of the show to "Big Mess."

@ clemenC ... good to hear that you've seen a success story. It would be hard to do widespread research on how many success stories there are per failure stories -- but I wish we had that research. Without it, we can argue all day about whether poly tends to be good for the kids. Statistically.
 
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