What about when my Mono decides she might be open to another partner?

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DonnieLD

New member
So, I was chatting with my wife who is currently across an ocean due to work issues, nm the whole visa pains lol. Anyway, so we were chatting and talking about life and the visit from her parents and the whole discussion about another partner was brought up just as one of those reminders that I only want to make sure I'm not holding her back.

But she came out with the comment that I'm actually welcome to look for someone she might like. I;m happy that she's open to the idea. What I want to ensure is that I'm not forcing anything on her. We are both extremely selective in how we pass out our love although our views couldn't be more different. I still love my ex, no matter what anyone says I still do and the only reason I push her away is because of my son. My current wife however has had a few past rough spots in life and I feel like the luckiest guy in the universe that she loves me.

That being said, while we are pursuing other avenues for a family of our own it brought me to the fact that I think that one of the possible paths is another partner. I know it wouldn't be mine, although he/she couldn't find someone to fight harder to protect them. What I am saying though is that if my wife doesn't feel a 100% full life without a child and if I am not able to provide her one, and she doesn't want to go through the donor business, and currently we can't afford our other options, why shouldn't I let her know that I'm at least open to her completing her life in whatever way it can be completed in a good way.

I know she won't leave me, not unless I hurt her heart at least. What I guess I'm writing this for is just to write. I just want to make sure I'm not pushing her into anything. I also want to make sure she has absolutely everything in life that she deserves. So hopefully our life continues on whatever path it shall continue. If that means she finds another partner then so be it, and if that means it is only the two of us until we're ghosts, then so be it.
--D
 
Hi Donnie,

Glad to hear your wife is considering poly, not that it's wrong for her to not consider it, but this does put you and her more on the same page so that's good news right?

I'm not 100% clear on why you can't have a child with her ... is it because you've had a vasectomy? or because you can't afford to support a child? or both?

Also, and I know this is slightly off-topic ... it has occurred to me that the long-distance factor is an obstacle to finding another partner for her. It's not like she can find one in her current country, if she did then you'd have two people that needed to immigrate. Just makes your problems bigger. Or would you find someone in your country (the United States right?), and have her get to know that new person via skype? Seems awkward, makes more sense if she already lives with you first. Just sayin'. Do you know how long it'll be before she can cross the ocean to be with you?

I hope everything works out for both of you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Kevin,

All valid questions. The child thing is something we've talked about since we've known each other. I had a vasectomy because of my desire to stop at one. After meeting my current wife I do regret that a very little bit, but only in that she wants a child so badly. She says, and I believe her, that we would be fine not having any of our own but still it breaks my heart a little knowing she would like one. As for supporting one, we wouldn't have a problem supporting both my current son and one of our own, the price of going through any of the options to get one are a bit much though. She has mentioned she does not care for adoption for several reasons, many political, and would not want a donor. Oddly she has been a bit more receptive to either me getting possibly fixed if we can afford that, or another partner if there is someone she would match with. She has an extremely selective heart and so while I don't expect us to find a partner who would satisfy her heart's requirements, I did want to make sure she understood that I'm fine with the option should it happen.

As for finding/introducing. I'm actually going to hopefully end up traveling back to the UK to be with her once again instead of bringing her here, yes to the US. Her work is a bit more specialized to the EU and it would be easier for me to move than her we feel, so it would be either her or I chatting to anyone and her being the decider in this case as I completely trust her heart in this.

--D
 
At risk of inferring things from your post that aren't true, Donnie... do you think that - besides the issue of not being able to father a child - another reason you're so keen for your wife to agree to taking another lover is because it then gives YOU tacit permission to do the same (?)

I am currently in a long distance poly "V" and both my partners reside in another country, so I understand the longing and loneliness (and yes, sexual frustration!) that are often part and parcel of LDRs.

If polyamory for the sake of finding intimacy with someone more local IS a desire of yours, that's understandable - but is something that should be addressed on its own terms and not "masked" by ostensibly pursuing it for your wife's sake. She has already said she wasn't interested, and by constantly bringing it up/pushing the point, she may eventually agree (or concede) - but be careful of agreement under such circumstances.
 
Lunabunny, While I understand your question/observation I would have to disagree in this instance. Sure I would like companionship, but I while I want certain things, I would never jeopardize my relationship with her for such a want. I might be open minded to certain relationships, but I won't pursue an additional relationship for myself as it is currently has the potential to hurt my wife.

What started our whole conversation is the fact that to have a kid after getting cut takes either a mountain of cash or it's someone else's. I just added into the conversation that I wouldn't be adverse to the idea of her having her life completed even if it meant her finding an additional partner. We have no intent on splitting and I have no intent on seeking any other person while I'm away. I have a very particular mind when it comes to issues like this and while I might be open to unconventional relationships, I still believe they are to be very particular and must take all hearts and minds into account from that relationship.

Hope that answers your question some.
--D
 
Thank you for answering forthrightly and not taking my question the wrong way, Donnie. (I actually wrote that before seeing your post about being bi, which I guess doesn't really change anything except potentially open up more possibilities.)

So... you've opened the topic up for discussion with your wife; now you can let her sit with it. Even if she doesn't think she'll ever avail herself of the option of another partner, she is surely mulling over the idea and its ramifications. At this stage, I think that's all you need to do. You guys have your hands full with all the legal redtape at the moment anyway, so I guess the poly idea can be put on the backburner for a while, depending on your wife's age.
 
Lunabunny,
I think that sounds about right, I know she doesn't want to wait forever but it's what I told her. I don't care if she goes out looking or not, I just care that if the opportunity avails itself that she not be closed to just because of me. Thanks for the talk and I'm sure we'll be good, even with the tape in our way, I'm pretty good at getting where I need regardless of what the gov throws at me.

--D
 
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