What are we doing? (Friendship evolving to poly)

[lifetake2]

Ok, I've been lurking for a while, but this is my 1st post.

I'm trying to wrap my head around some changes going on. I'm a Type-A, and normally like things orderly and neat, and nothing about this fits that. I'm just looking for reassurance (or otherwise) from someone more experienced that what is happening is normal-ish, and if anyone can help me put a label on our relationship changes.

My story: male, married 14 years to an amazing woman, Leigh. Over the last year, my wife developed a very close relationship with a female friend, Cass, which evolved into moving Cass into our home, and ultimately the women's realization that they loved each other. They are both straight. The relationship is very deep, but emotional only. To clarify, there is contact and teasing between them, but aimed at me; they both state there is no spark with each other unless I'm involved.

At some point, after realizing the depth of their relationship, Leigh initially proposed we open up to a physical relationship between Cass and me, thinking more along the lines of a FWB for me, while allowing the women the emotional connection. All along, we assumed this was a "season," and would end at some point, as none of us went into it looking for this.

This has been working. However, it is becoming clear it has potential to be more long-term. With that, Cass and I have just begun to explore the emotional side of our relationship, with Leigh's support and encouragement.

I'm not sure where we'll go from here, but my gut tells me this could become a long-term relationship, where the difference/hierarchy between wife and friend would dissolve into a equal relationship with all three of us.

So... any red flags, any thoughts? Is this just an extension of our existing poly-ness or some drastic change?

Thanks for reading.

 

[AnnabelMore]

This sounds lovely. They say that the most successful triads develop serendipitously, and usually out of friendship. The trick now will be to communicate, stay flexible, and deal with issues of jealousy and insecurity as they come up. You're off to a great start, and while there may be unexpected bumps ahead to overcome, I don't see any waving red flags here.

This article may be of use to all three of you: http://www.morethantwo.com/coupledating.html

Best of luck!

 

[redpepper]

Sounds good to me. There's nothing "normal" about polyamory, but if you want to hear if poly people do this, yeah, they do. I don't see any red flags either.

I tagged this "unicorn," not because you have one (I have no idea what you have negotiated around being able to date others etc.), but because we say and hear over and over again on here that triads seem to work better for the long run if they are established as yours has been. There have been many come through these forums who are searching for what you have, not from friendship first, but from wanting to date as a couple. I always suggest friendship first, and what you have achieved would be why. It works better, for many reasons.

Good luck. If something comes up, we will be here.

 

[lifetake2]

Thank you both for the encouragement. This is new territory, but I agree I'm glad it came with this path.

As for "unicorn," if it helps someone to see what can happen, so be it. FWIW, we expect to fit polyfidelity, per the glossary.

 

[Arrowbound]

I'm just looking for reassurance (or otherwise) from someone more experienced that what is happening is normal-ish and if anyone can help me put a label on our relationship changes.

My story: male, married 14 years to an amazing woman, Leigh. Over the last year, Leigh developed a very close relationship with a female friend, Cass, which evolved into Cass moving into our home, and ultimately the realization that the women loved each other. They are both straight. The relationship is very deep, but emotional only. To clarify, there is contact & teasing between them but aimed at me. They both state feeling no spark with each other unless I'm involved.

At some point, after realizing the depth of their relationship, Leigh initially proposed we open up to a physical relationship for Cass and me, thinking more along the lines of a FWB for me, while allowing them the emotional connections. We assumed this was a "season," and would end at some point, as none of us went into it looking for this.

This has been working. However, it is becoming clear it has potential to be more long-term. With that, Cass and I have just begun to explore the emotional side of our relationship with Leigh's support and encouragement. My gut tells me this could become a long-term relationship, where the difference/hierarchy between wife and friend would dissolve into a equal relationship with all three of us.

Any red flags, any thoughts? Is this just an extension of our existing poly-ness or some drastic change?

Your wife's initial connection to her female friend resonates with me. That is how I would like to approach this when pursuing another partner, beginning with friendship above all else.