What are your tried and true methods for working with emotions felt as intense bodily reactions (such as jealousy, disgust, etc.)?

T

Tinwen

Well-known member
Maybe you know the situation: You learn something uncomfortable. Your stomach cramps and turns upside down. Your back tenses to a painful degree. Maybe you pull away and shut down.

Every now and then someone comes here with the same story: They chose polyamory. They would LIKE to be sex positive or feel compersion for their partner. But their emotions have a different opinion. Not only that, they feel intense discomfort in their body when thinking about their partner with someone else. It's even physically painful. Maybe they even feel grossed out by their partner when they come home having had physical intimacy. They'd love to come closer, but they are nauseated. They realize it's unfair or or it's fear or it's coming from a place of ownership, but they have no idea how to get rid of said fear or sense of ownership manifested by the bodily reaction.

I've had my own share of these bodily reactions, and I even still have some of them, but seldom as intense as some posters describe.

A friend recently asked a similar question. I realized that, despite all that I've read on this forum, I don't have good advice for him.

Are there people who successfully overcame such intense reactions? What worked for you? Were you able to think or talk your way through (identifying jealousy triggers, reframing beliefs...), or did you use some body-focused methods to disolve your tension or nausea? Or was it a shift in the relationship dynamics that brought about the change?
 
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This is a timely post for me as I have had a relevant experience this morning. I believe I will have more to say about this prompt later. For now, I can share that I was practicing QiGong this morning and had an expression of emotions which were totally devoid of any connection to anything. Pure emotions, no stomach turning, no reason behind it; just emotions.

I have to mull this over a bit.
 
Hi there, I am new and also experiencing these feelings, esp disgust. Would be grateful for others' perspectives.
 
What little I can offer on the question I do so from a 'works for me' position. Also without much regard to interactions with the others in the relationship as while their actions may have led to these physical responses, the responses are still mine to handle. Plus, we all have our personality traits which matter to how we process. I have had some physical response feelings based on emotions lately. Then, I also had this uncommon, unidentifiable emotional response based on nothing that was evident as the cause.

For me:
  • Initial reaction: deep(ish) breathing; breathe in through the nose and out of the mouth; focus on this breathing only and give your body and your mind a chance to level out; I like Box Breathing;
  • If it is not so much of a panic attack situation but more just very uncomfortable, I still do breathing but remind myself that these feelings will pass, be patient, and wait until a return of ease before trying to talk with someone or do much of anything else (kinda like when you hit your thumb with a hammer)
  • When I am thinking over something that is uncomfortable and I start having physical/emotional responses, I make sure to understand these are just thoughts and feelings and they do not have meaning outside myself until I act on them (good or bad) and be ok with how I feel and wait for a return of ease
  • Go for a brisk walk/run--- help with the fight/flight urges
  • Find a useful task around the house that I can hopefully lose myself in (this is also a double dip in getting something done)
  • Practice QiGong; barefoot and outside preferably
  • If I am truly nauseous, have some Pepto
  • If the person that it involves is a reasonable sort, I may go and explain how I am feeling and just ask to be around them for support so I can ground myself in the love we share; this may seem counterintuitive, but I find it quite reassuring; (or, ask to leave me be for a while so I can process)
  • Do my best to avoid chemical solutions, although, I fail sometimes and have a shot of whiskey
 
tooschoolforcool said:
Heheh I go play with swords then come back and demand cuddles and snacks.
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That flight fight stuff is real. I do occasionally have a wave of feeling to rip the head off an ogre. A good solid roar works for that usually if there are no ogres available. Perhaps I need a sword too.
 
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tooschoolforcool said:
I have two! Always up for some shared therapy 😆
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I think you are a bit far, but I would absolutely take you up on shared sword therapy. Although, I am sure it would not take you long to turn my fight into flight!
 
To me, this is an interesting and complex issue/question/problem. I myself never experienced any extreme bodily reactions, but I have chatted with many that have had panic attacks and nausea. Many I have spoken to have expressed the need for a cooling off period upon returning from a lover, so that grossed-out feeling does exist.

My gut feeling on this is if you’re having extreme bodily reactions, you should probably rethink your participation, because like other bodily systems, it’s trying to warn you or protect you from you like, swelling at the site of an injury. It’s to restrict further damage. I don’t think the question is can such systems be overwritten/modified to overcome those extreme reactions, but at what cost to oneself and/or the marriage or relationship?

Another determining factor is if these reactions are happening at the front end of a poly journey, or they’re occurring with a specific new partner, or with a change in behavior you've noticed in you spouse or SO. Causation/timing might help solve or might identify a starting point to help solve the extreme reactions.

Unfortunately many/most of the guys I’ve chatted with here on the forum who were suffering from a negative reaction, whether it was mild or extreme, didn’t want to acknowledge to their wife or partner the frequency or extent of said “breakdowns,“ because they didn’t want to be looked at as the emotional weak link, especially if it was their idea to open the relationship. Being “ THE Gigantic failure on top of the other negative emotions SWIRLING is a lot to process. And it doesn’t take long, being labeled Debbie Downer, and that you have emotional neediness before, during and after a date or sleepover is impacting/killing attraction and desire for you. What’s going to be the most common reaction?

My advice, if you are having extreme reactions is, I’d dig deep into how or why you agreed to such a dynamic. Also, examine your own personal pro and con list being in said dynamic, and if it at all matches up with their expectations when they decided to go down this road.
 
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