What do I need... (triad becomes a vee)

StumblingAlong

StumblingAlong

New member
to consider, think about, and be aware of?

My relationship started as a FB and became what we thought may be a triad. It has now settled into a Vee with me as the hinge. There is potential for it to become a triad as 1 of my partners has feelings for the other. My partners hang out together and have been FWBs, and we have had some encounters with all 3 of us. I'm open to them becoming more than metamours.

I have never been in a vee type relationship so I'm a little worried I won't be a good hinge. What do I need to know, think about and consider to be a good hinge? I love them both and want to be a good partner to both of them.

This transition from triad to vee has been a little hard for me as I have had to watch 1 partner come to grips with the fact that she loves my other partner but the feelings aren't returned. I'm a protective type person and want to protect both my partners from hurt, so having to just watch one hurt and knowing I can't do anything about it has been difficult. I worry how I will handle a transition back to a triad if it were to happen. I'm open to it happening, but that doesn't mean it will be easy to handle if it does. Guess that's a bridge I can't worry about unless we cross it.

Anyway, if those with more experience and knowledge can pass on some words of wisdom and advice, I'd appreciate it.
 
Hi StumblingAlong,

It's all about communication. You need to communicate with both of your partners. Find out how they feel. Listen to them.

Hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
And that is something I can do and don't mind doing. It's something I like about being poly. I like knowing my partners feel they can talk to me openly and honestly, or at least I hope I make them feel that they can openly and honestly talk to me. I'm a fairly laid back person that is fairly patient and go with the flow. I've noticed I can't be uptight or impatient because things change especially when you have more than one person and feelings involved.
 
I'm not a hinge....my only real experience with being a hinge was when Blue & I were in a triad with another woman. But, as an end, I agree with Kevin. Open, honest, sincere communication is key. Also, a willingness to really listen without taking it personally helps. Sometimes, I just need Blue to listen, not do anything, just listen.
 
Make sure you ask them about boundaries regarding what you're sharing about one partner with the other, etc. Some people are open to or like to know more, some want to know less.

Also, in your case since one partner is struggling with having un-returned feelings, discuss how you want to physically interact with one another. Maybe it means you need to have more one-on-one time with each so that your partners aren't forced to spend tons of time around each other and they might want some distance between them.

While it's great that you're trying to do what you can to be the best hinge and support both of your partners, don't forget to make sure that you're taking care of yourself too and getting your own needs met!
 
Your partners have nicknames, right?

I'd say it's on them, as adults, to handle their own mismatched feelings and decide upon the least painful, most fulfilling behaviors.

There is a question on the dating site OK Cupid, which asks, If you loved someone, but they didn't love you, and just wanted you for sex, would you continue in the relationship? That seems to be your new female partner's choice to make about your husband. You can help her clarify this, as a friend, but it's not you job to "make her feel better." She's in pain now. She can either continue with the sex (physical pleasure, painful unreturned feelings), or lessen her contact with him so her feelings subside.
 
Thanks everyone. At the moment I'm kind of stepping back some from their relationship and letting them handle things between them. I'm just doing the best I can at making sure my relationship with each of them is strong. I'm moving slowly and making sure I know what I'm feeling and want and then talking to them as honestly and openly as I can. I'm doing my best to truly listen to what they are saying and doing the best I can to be sure they know they can honestly and openly talk to me or with me about anything they may want to. I'm also trying to pay attention to body language, moods, and such so that if something is going on with one of them that they have not yet told me, I'm at least aware that something is going on so I will be prepared to listen when they are ready to talk.
 
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