What do you do when our partner is on a date?

[mesamil]

So my gf and I have been together for 8 months, and agreed on a non-monogomous thing from the get go. I worked away all summer and we were LD, neither of us has hooked up with anyone else at this point. I am a queer female and she's pan female, and has a number of longstanding FWB relationship that are strictly sexual/booty call in nature.

So last night she spent time with one of these guys, because she hadn't been with a guy in 8 months which was a long time for her, and they hooked up, she let me know beforehand and we had ironed out all of our boundaries and parameters long before this. So generally it all feels good, I feel very safe and secure with her and like this is a really corrective relationship so far, in general. My previous relationship of 6 years ended in disaster when my ex wanted to open the relationship, and basically plowed ahead doing whatever she wanted, not taking accountability, or respecting my boundaries (AKA CHEATING).

Perhaps it's leftover baggage from the old relationship, perhaps it's just normal, but last night when my current gf was over this guys place, I just felt sooo anxious. not jealous, not even insecure I don't think, (though maybe some twinges of that), but just straight can't-fall-asleep-no-matter-what-are-they-doing-it-right-now? anxiety. It was like my body betraying my mind, going rigue, cause in my heads I feel very secure with this person and know that everything is going to be fine. Just cause I knew exactly when she was getting out of work and going over there (midnight) I think that really didn't help. I fell asleep way before that, intentionally, but my roommate woke me up at exactly 12am and there was no chance for sleep after that, despite all the kava tea and relaxation yoga i tried..

now it's the morning and besides feeling totally sleep deprived and still a bit anxious, I'm feeling fine. SO what do you all do when your partner is with someone else? what's the best way to just relax and possibly distract myself so I'm not suffering while my gf is having fun, cause I don't want it to be an emotional see saw like that. Have people found it helpful to not know the exact time that things are happening and keep it vague for the general sanity of the other, or would that be a recipe for feelings of dishonesty?

Really looking for what works for folks, we're figuring this out as we go.

THANKS

 

[kdt26417]

Hello mesamil,

Everyone is different, what works for one person is different from what works for another. So, for example, some people would do better to not know the exact time things are happening, whereas for other people, their imagination would run wild.

Personally, I find that the most helpful thing is to do stuff I couldn't do while my partner was present. For example, watching a movie or TV show that my partner didn't care for. Or, doing a hobby that my partner wasn't interested in. Stuff like that.

This may not be relevant but I am wondering, why did your roommate wake you up?

Glad to hear that most of your anxiety went away eventually.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Ravenscroft]

My wife was out on a date, likely all night (though she might come home).

I had a nice dinner, a long hot bath, cranked up the tunes (probably the Debussy solo piano works), & threw myself until midnight on a short-story that'd been on my mind, then sprawled across the bed with the cats milling about.

For me, that was the very definition of decadence.

What do YOU do? Well, try having an individual existence.

 

[icesong]

For me, not being anxious about my nesting partner’s dates just comes down to practice - I was a mess for the first year or so, now it’s just a part of my life and I read a book or play computer games or whatever else strikes my fancy. Occasionally I don’t sleep enough, but that’s due to my ADD and being bad at sleeping, not anxiety, at this point.

Sorry, probably not a helpful response given your relationship isn’t even that old, but it really is a question of time IMO.

 

[vinsanity0]

I agree that it just takes time to adjust. You are fighting a lifetime of mono programming.

Me? I would either go out myself, or stay in.