What do you think?

R

riftara

New member
A short background on the issue-- Ronan and I are long-time friends and sometime lovers. He just lost a baby with another woman in December. He says he wants to move here to be with me, and live in a V with me and my husband, John. He made a commitment to me to do so, and to talk to me every week (my only "boyfriend" requirement from him at this point), until such a time as he's here, or changes his mind.

My counselor says I'm taking advantage of Ronan by even considering him moving here right now, because of his loss.

John says he only wants to do it because I'm familiar. But he is okay with Ronan moving in with us.

Personally, I feel that Ronan needs something familiar and I am willing to be that for him.

Ronan says I'm not taking advantage of him.

What is your take? Feel free to be harsh and honest. If you need more info, please ask.
 
Does he want to be co-primary with your husband, or is he okay with being a secondary partner while living under the same roof as your primary partner? If the latter, that seems like it could be a very taxing situation for him, emotionally.

Why do YOU want him to move in -- just to comfort him, or because you think you guys are really at that stage on your relationship?

Is there a Plan B if living together doesn't work out? Would he be financially able to move back out and get a place on his own?

Am I right in thinking you have another bf? What does he think of this potential development?
 
I'm not entirely clear about Ronan's relationship with the mother of the lost baby. Was the baby planned, or was it an accidental pregnancy?

I reckon these things matter. If Ronan is dealing with grieving the loss of a much-wanted baby and the loss of a relationship with the baby's mum, then this might well not be the time to be making big decisions like moving a distance from his home and in with a friend and husband, hoping to have a relationship with the friend.

Did Ronan want to move in with you guys before his SO lost the baby? That might also give you some information. Grief is hard to go through.

My Dad died at the start of last year, and one of the loves of my life died at the end of the year. The process is painful, frightening and utterly horrible to go through. I feel as though my world has been turned upside down and life is a struggle right now.

I suspect that the offer of moving away, starting a new relationship and being looked after by somebody I care for would be very appealing to me right now, if it were to come up. The comfort and support would be very appealing. I'm equally as sure that it would be a bad idea for me to start a new relationship of any seriousness right now-- bad for me and bad for anybody I got into a relationship with. My emotional capacity just isn't there just now.

If Ronan is in the same place as I am, I'd wait a good while, roughly a year or so, before making those sorts of decisions.

If, however, the baby wasn't planned, Ronan didn't want to be with the mum, and is feeling enormous relief to be free from the situation, then I can't see why him moving to be with you guys would be a problem.

IP
 
The loss of a baby is hard to bear. I am sorry to hear of his loss. :(

If you are offering your home as a safe place for him to be for the initial few weeks while he is grieving, that is one thing. Offering your body, your loving arms to comfort him is another thing. Offering you and your husband in a live-in V is yet another thing, and not appropriate at this time.

You can WAIT to offer that increased level of commitment in your tier of relationship when he returns to stable ground in himself. Don't fuck with fragile. It's not kind.

Changing your relationship level to him when he is NOT mourning maybe two things is better-- mourning the loss of his potential baby, and mourning the loss of relationship with the mother. You do not specify where that is at. I assume they are not together anymore, otherwise he'd be grieving the baby's loss with her.

It's better to be a friend right now. That's what it seems like he needs most, you with your "friend hat" on.

It is normal to crave sex after a death -- the human need to feel "Yes! Loss happened but *I* am alive!" And since you are "sometime lovers," maybe you both choose to indulge in that and create a space to be that kind of comfort to him too -- the warm body comfort of a lover's arms. So you could schedule a vacation, not a larger (possibly permanent) life change at a time of duress.

Times of duress are not good times for making Big Life-Changing Choices. If the desire to update your relationship to a live-in V is there now, it will still be there a few months down the road when he is not mourning. A change like that involves your husband too. If you are not taking advantage of John now, you still won't be later either. So wait til later, til you are sure you can take Ronan's word at a time when he is NOT suffering other losses, a better time than the mourning time.

Just as it is not decent to take up with a man who just lost his wife and is a widower, it's not decent to take up with a man who has just lost a partner/baby! He might SAY he is okay, but his circumstances right now could make his judgement clouded.

You guys being in a V could be the right thing, but you could have the right thing at the RIGHT TIME. Wait til his judgement is not clouded from mourning a death.

Also, look out for YOUR best health, not just his.

"We became a V because we saw we really wanted to be together, both in times of bad emotional weather, and in times of good emotional weather."​

is a much better reason and foundational start to a live-in V than--

"We became a live-in V because he was upset over his breakup, and the loss of their baby. He thought he wanted this at the time. I was very eager to do it too. But now that the storm has, passed he's flaking out on me. Ugh! "​

Your husband's reaction is not "Yay!" but "I think he's just wants what's familiar. But all right." That's worth noting.

If a live-in V is what you want, then give that live-in V the best foundational time you can to start it up in. Don't give it a crap time to start in.

So, be his friend, for sure. Be his lover, maybe. But being his live-in V partner can WAIT.

Just my 2 cents,
Galagirl
 
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AnnabelMore said:
Does he want to be co-primary with your husband, or is he okay with being a secondary partner while living under the same roof as your primary partner? If the latter, that seems like it could be a very taxing situation for him, emotionally.

Why do YOU want him to move in? Just to comfort him, or because you think you guys are really at that stage on your relationship?

Is there a Plan B if living together doesn't work out? Would he be financially able to move back out and get a place on his own?

Am I right in thinking you have another bf? What does he think of this potential development?
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The plan is to be co-primaries. I think we've been at that stage for a very long time, and if we lived closer then this would have already happened. We lived together for a long time, mostly as friends, though we did have sex occasionally. We were at almost co-primary level for about a year before, but then I moved from GA to TX, and he wasn't ready to make the move.

I have offered to pay for the move back if things don't work out, and he has a place to go if that happens. The initial trial period would be six months, starting in August.

My BF is very secondary. I see him maybe three times a month and talk to him about every 4-5 days. I haven't had a chance to talk to him face-to-face about this particular development, but he is good with the possibility of me having another relationship.

InfinitePossibility said:
I'm not entirely clear about Ronan's relationship with the mother of the lost baby. Was the baby planned, or was it an accidental pregnancy? Did Ronan want to move in with you guys before the loss of the baby?
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He didn't and doesn't want a relationship with the mom. In fact, he is trying to get away from her emotionally. But he's a really nice guy and he is being there for her emotionally. They no longer have sex. He is only there emotionally. He has expressed to me how much it is draining him.

The baby was an accident. When it happened, Ronan's comment to me was that he wished it were me having his child. He wants children, just not with her.

He has always been open to the idea of moving here, but has always said he can't because of emotional ties to his friends, family and school. He has been working the 6 months or so to sever those ties that are unhealthy. He has found himself with only me as a true friend.

He is getting kicked out of school, so now seemed like a good time to both of us (well, August, when he should be coming here).

I think, from our conversations, that he is dealing with the loss well. I know even an unplanned pregnancy loss can hurt. The only reason on his end he doesn't come here now is the obligation he feels he has to the mom.

We talked last night. He expressed that he wants to fulfill my contact obligation, and he wants to come here. But he doesn't want to talk about it or make definite plans (like dates, or John and me moving to a bigger place, which we will have to do) until he is free of his obligation to the mom. This may actually still work out the same, because the tentative move date is August.

GG, thanks for the input. You gave me lots to think about.
 
It speaks well of his character that he wants to be around for the mom, to support her during the grieving time. Even if it was an "Oops!" they created life together, and it is done. So a observing a mourning period is the decent thing to do.

He doesn't have to hang around forever there, but he doesn't have to make it be like "Wham, bam, thank you ma'am!" either in their lovership that led to an unplanned pregnancy. Parting seems inevitable there, but wanting to part on decent terms at a decent time is commendable.

Timing matters in things.

A right time and place for everything, and everything in the right time and place.

GG
 
With the background you've provided, I think it all sounds very sensible and like it could totally work out! And, importantly, it also sounds like if it didn't, it wouldn't be an irredeemably terrible mess. For what it's worth, I say go for it.

One final question -- he's said he'd like to have your kid, in so many words. How do you feel about that prospect? How does your husband feel?
 
I feel the same way, AnnabelMore. John and I have talked about me having Ronan's baby. I think, at this point, John would just want to know that it was Ronan's at the beginning of the pregnancy.
 
I think the most important thing is being open to change and taking time to process, not rush. It sounds like all of you are doing that. It also sounds like there is a "contingency plan," and a good history and familiarity. He is not someone new. You already have experience together. I see no major red flags, so long as you keep communicating and being open to the plan changing as emotions from the grieving change.
 
My two cents on this issue, since I read over it, and the only thing she said about my point of view was acknowledging he wanted something familiar, and to go for it. Yes, that is true. The other side of that is they just work better as friends who occasionally have sex. Ronan has never really been a commitment type of guy. I am supportive of her going for it, because it is her dream, and she has a shot at it, so why not?
 
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