what good is polyamory if everyone is going to feel shitty and emotional all the time

[Stucky]

What good is polyamory if despite our best intentions, everybody involved is going to feel shitty and emotional whenever someone links up with someone else? I’m doing everything I can to support my partner in their endeavours with love and yet somehow find myself in a confused emotional soup on a regular basis. We communicate, there is consent, everybody is being mature and grown-up about it; in short, we’re doing it by the book. Yet pretty well every week at least one of us has an emotional flare up. How is that sustainable? Considering many of these relationships have not much prospect of a future (looking at the individual circumstances, it’s pretty clear), what is to be gained besides a bit of fun here and there? And this at the expense of the emotional wellbeing of everyone involved.

So to be more specific: I can’t seem to find another partner without somehow pushing the boundaries of my primary partner. Everytime I have chemistry with someone else, I wind up feeling guilty because my actions cause duress to my primary. For example: last week I was speaking with someone with whom there was instant chemistry. Naturally, I wanted to talk with this person. I did so with utmost effort to ‘play it cool’ out of respect my primary’s boundaries and feelings as they were also present (picture a ‘cocktail party’ scenario. Lots of people around. not a poly event), yet they picked up our chemistry anyways because my primary is extremely perceptive to these things. It was emotional for them. I felt shitty, they felt shitty. This has happened before and it sucks. To be clear, my primary is not a selfish person. They are doing their very best to be fair to me and allow me to roam. It was purely circumstance. The only time I have not had this problem is when I have met someone while my primary was not around, which has happened maybe twice in four years. Neither time did it come to anything because the other person “couldn’t do my situation”. Fine. That’s to be expected. It’s also not what I’m talking about here. Neither of us are into the ‘dating scene.’ we live an organic life, we meet better people that way.

On the other hand, my primary has now 3 other partners of both genders (to very different emotional effect for me) and there is very strong feeling for my primary from each of them. These other partners often have feelings of jealousy for our situation, because we are committed life partners. This is hard for us as well. And of course, I have my issues when my partner is with one of them. Naturally my partner is also struggling with these feelings as they feel more than capable of loving each of us very much, yet the reality of the situation is just f--king hard.

At any rate, would love some perspective here if you have one to give.

**Before anyone comments with “maybe this isn’t for you”: I’ve thought about that. And the cost of giving up my primary, because that’s what it would mean if I decided this, is too high. I love this person too much to leave them for some emo shit that I can work through
**Also: Of my 3 metas, only 2 of them are regular one is long distance. So the idea that there may be too many people at this party, while worth noting, is something also that I’ve thought about and maybe it is true, but I’m hoping for new perspectives, something I haven’t thought about yet.

Hoping for sage wisdom from the poly veterans that I don’t have in my life right now.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Considering that you seem to not be in any other relationships,you obviously don't meet people better organically, or randomly as I'd prefer to say. It sounds like dating sites where you can really seek out non monogamous people would be a better fit.

I think you both would benefit from stopping the avoidance of negative feelings. Instead, feel them for what they are and in time they will pass.

Feeling upset won't kill anyone.

Well.. you get what I mean

 

[vinsanity0]

Sounds like the problem is with your primary. They have 3 partners, yet get upset if you even speak to someone at a party? It sounds like they are difficult and controlling. It also sounds like they are the one who should be in here asking how they can improve themselves. Have the two of you discussed why they need these "boundaries"?

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Stucky,

Honestly, it seems to me that poly has (so far) given you a raw deal, you have paid your dues (reading the books, communicating, getting consent, being mature, having the best intentions), and poly is not giving you the happiness that it promised. It makes me sad to hear about when someone gets screwed like this, but please, please, do not give up on poly. You just need a little more practice, a little more reading, a little more communication, I am sure that you will reap the rewards if you can just hang in there a little bit longer. It's not like poly to shaft someone who does all that they're supposed to do, I'm sure this is an anomaly.

Like vinsanity said, your primary should not be getting upset about you speaking to someone at a party when said primary has three other partners of their own. Could you do a little digging, to find out what is at the root of these reactions your primary is having? Is it jealousy? Is it fear? What are they afraid will happen? Can they articulate how they would cope with it if it did happen? What about your own reactions, you said you had issues when your partner is with one of the three other partners. What don't you like about that other partner?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I get the impression your partner's other three partners are all secondary partners ... and they don't like being secondary. Is there any way to fix this? Could they be made primary partners, equal to you? Would you want that? Why or why not?

Perhaps you could give more details on your situation. We'll keep trying to help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

Neither of us are into the ‘dating scene.’ we live an organic life, we meet better people that way.

So far, is "organic" is working for you or not? Sounds like no. Are you willing to change your approach to meeting people?

I can’t seem to find another partner without somehow pushing the boundaries of my primary partner.

What ARE the boundaries? You don't actually say.

Are they reasonable? Realistic? How are you pushing them?

Every time I have chemistry with someone else, I wind up feeling guilty because my actions cause duress to my primary.

Well, if almost 100% of your socializing is done with primary in the room? Could change.

Both you and primary could agree that SOMETIMES you are their date at the cocktail party. And other times? You are going to the "cocktail party" to meet other people. Your primary is NOT your date there. Maybe even take two cars so you can arrive/go separately.

You have to get comfortable just getting on with meeting people and observing primary be uncomfortable without taking it on board for yourself like their emotional management is your responsibility or job to solve.

You can be understanding and compassionate... AND still get on with it. Presumably poly means you both date. So date. Presumably that isn't a surprise to your primary, right?

Of my 3 metas, only 2 of them are regular one is long distance. So the idea that there may be too many people at this party, while worth noting, is something also that I’ve thought about and maybe it is true, but I’m hoping for new perspectives, something I haven’t thought about yet

Sounds like they are good at meeting people and dating them. That is one set of skills -- being the shared sweetie.

How good is your primary at the other set of skills -- being the one sharing a sweetie? Is that a set of skills they need to work on growing? And that's what their upset is about?

The road to "comfortable" passes through "uncomfortable." That's is how you grow. You do stuff you are not comfortable doing in order to expand and arrive at a larger comfort zone. Confidence and skills are grown by doing. Not avoiding.

The only time I have not had this problem is when I have met someone while my primary was not around, which has happened maybe twice in four years.

Sounds like you know another possible solution.

Make an effort to socialize without your primary more often.

You each could take turns staying home or doing something else other than that "cocktail party."

Galagirl

 

[ElMango]

some questions are going to be a repeat

How is that sustainable? Considering many of these relationships have not much prospect of a future (looking at the individual circumstances, it’s pretty clear), what is to be gained besides a bit of fun here and there? And this at the expense of the emotional wellbeing of everyone involved.

Even casual flings can be sustainable. My new girlfriend is a casual relationship; my two other partners are just...happy for me. We're going about it the same way I went about it before-what happens happens and what matures matures. She has a NP and other partners so we'll never end up living together.
But...They see I am happy and they are happy.
B started out as a FWB and we're getting married in like...2 weeks.

I can’t seem to find another partner without somehow pushing the boundaries of my primary partner.

What are those boundaries? Same as what gala girls asked

I wanted to talk with this person. I did so with utmost effort to ‘play it cool’ out of respect my primary’s boundaries and feelings as they were also present

My recommendation would be for them to not be there. That's one thing me and Z started with when opening our marriage on my part. His first GF when she was over I'd be off doing something else the first few times because it felt uncomfortable for (because it was new!) and I've never gone on first dates or any date unless invited.

It was emotional for them.

How so? Are they able to explain what's causing these negative emotions?

I felt shitty, they felt shitty. This has happened before and it sucks.

What shitty feelings were you feeling? My guess would be not only feeling bad for this causing her distress, but also feeling shitty BECAUSE this has happened before and no improvement has occurred (I know I find that hurtful). She has been uncomfortable, and instead of working with you or just herself or a therapist to move through it, you get blocked.

my primary has now 3 other partners of both genders (to very different emotional effect for me)

What feelings are those?

These other partners often have feelings of jealousy for our situation, because we are committed life partners.

Their emotions are their problems and your partners problem. They should be trying to not make it yours. The teamwork part is when it comes to going through their SOLUTIONS to these problems. Would it be moving in? Would it simply be things only your partner can provide? Is it a language change? Or...and not to be blunt...are they not compatible with how your hierarchy works? Do they either need to accept that; they they are not (at least yet) considered a life partner (that isn't something that happens quickly usually)? Can they articulate their issues? Why are their issues becoming your issues?

I have my issues when my partner is with one of them.

What issues? Can youa rticulate the cause of the negative emotions and what they are?

Don't give up on poly yet; as others have said being uncomfortable can mean you're growing. Pain is the body/minds warning sign that there is a problem. Every problem has a solution; you just all need to figure out what those solutions and problems are.

 

[Marcus]

Some Perspective

Everytime I have chemistry with someone else, I wind up feeling guilty because my actions cause duress to my primary ... It was emotional for them. I felt shitty, they felt shitty.

There is a difference between having empathy for someone having strong or negative feelings, and adjusting your behavior in service of those strong or negative feelings.

We have negative feelings about all kinds of stuff, all of the time. The way those feelings cease to rule our lives, is by dealing with them. When the source of those feelings is removed prior to our needing to deal with those feelings, we don't learn anything and we are not any better armed to deal with them in the future.

People don't get stronger because we avoid struggle, we get stronger because we learn how to endure struggle. This emotion dodging game the two of you seem to be playing is not doing anyone any good.

Hoping for sage wisdom from the poly veterans that I don’t have in my life right now.

Other than logistical concerns, all worthwhile polyamory advice I've seen is really just relationship advice. Generally speaking, we don't learn how to take responsibility for our own feelings, we don't learn to be effective receivers of bad news, we don't learn what a boundary is and why it should be enforced, and we certainly don't learn to let people deal with their own feelings. So, when an extra romantic partner comes into what is essentially a very traditional relationship, we see it fall apart at the seams.

My suggestion is to back away from thinking this is a polyamory problem, and embrace the reality that there are some fundamental errors being made in relating to other human beings.

 

[KC43]

Sounds like the problem is with your primary. They have 3 partners, yet get upset if you even speak to someone at a party? It sounds like they are difficult and controlling. It also sounds like they are the one who should be in here asking how they can improve themselves. Have the two of you discussed why they need these "boundaries"?

Like vinsanity said, your primary should not be getting upset about you speaking to someone at a party when said primary has three other partners of their own. Could you do a little digging, to find out what is at the root of these reactions your primary is having? Is it jealousy? Is it fear? What are they afraid will happen? Can they articulate how they would cope with it if it did happen?

There is no "should" when it comes to emotions. Emotions happen. Something occurs that sparks a certain emotional reaction in someone, and that emotion is there. If the OP's partner feels upset about them talking to someone else, that doesn't mean they're "controlling" or "difficult" or anything else. It means they feel upset when they see their partner talking to someone else. They have the right to feel that way; they have the right to feel however they feel, as does their partner.

It also has nothing to do with how many partners they have. It is entirely possible to BE poly, to date more than one person, but still feel upset or scared or insecure when your *partner* dates more than one person. That, too, is a valid feeling. For example, I know damn well *I* can have more than one relationship without short-changing anyone. I know if I'm seeing someone who tries to interfere with any of my other relationships, I will cut ties with that person. I know how *I* manage poly.

But I do NOT know for 100% fact that my *partners* will manage things the same way. I don't know if they'll end up shortchanging me. I don't know if a metamour will try to interfere with the relationship; it's happened before, so it's a higher probability in my mind. I don't know if a partner would *listen* to a metamour who tried to interfere, or if they would make their own decisions about whether to keep seeing me.

I just do not know. And that makes the thought of any of my partners finding other partners scary as fuck, because I've been burned and damaged in past relationships and by people with whom I'm not in a relationship, I've been conditioned to believe I am not and never can be good enough for anyone, and every time one of my partners starts seeing--or even playing at a party with--someone else, those "not good enough" voices kick off in the back of my head.

I would wonder whether the OP's partner is dealing with something similar, and that's behind her emotional reactions.

Now, that said, just because we might not be able to control the emotion *arising* does NOT mean we can't control how or whether we show it to others. We absolutely CAN control our responses and reactions to that emotion. When I feel upset or afraid about my partner seeing someone else, I don't screw with their happiness if I can help it. I *do* tell them how I'm feeling, only because they have asked me to do so. And I also tell them that regardless of how *I* feel, I want them to be happy and I don't want them to change anything they are or are not doing because I am having difficulty with the situation. At the most, I ask them for a hug and reassurance that I still matter to them and they aren't putting the other person ahead of me, because even when I know that, it helps to *hear* it.

I NEVER let a metamour or potential metamour (or someone a partner is playing with, or whatever) know how I feel, because it isn't their stuff to deal with and I don't want them to feel like I'm trying to interfere or like I hate them. I do let my partners know, but as I said, that is only because they have told me to tell them if I'm struggling so that we can discuss it and they can help me fend off the crap from my past that is usually what's causing the problem in the first place.

As for events... if it's a play party, then obviously my partner is going to be with others, as am I. That isn't *easy* for me, but it's part of the deal. I generally establish beforehand with my partner that we'll spend some time together at the party before finding others, and if I know it's going to be particularly hard, I will ask that we be able to check in with each other a couple-few times during the night. If worse comes to worse and I really can't handle it, I leave. (I make sure I have my own transportation for exactly this reason.)

If it's a different type of event, like a munch or other social gathering, my partner and I are usually there *together*, as in it's a date, and I have asked that my partners not full-on flirt or proposition anyone else while they're on a date with me. To me, that's just common decency and respect, and I abide by it too. (One of my partners has actually *encouraged* me to flirt with others when we've had a date night at a munch, and I've refused to do so because even though he's okay with it, I feel that it would be disrespectful to him.)

You (OP) say you haven't had this problem when you've met someone while your partner isn't around. To me, that strongly implies that your partner's problem, at least involving social events, is that you are picking up other people *while you are with them*. So don't do that. Make more of an effort to go to events separately. Seems to me that would solve at least part of the problem.

There is a difference between having empathy for someone having strong or negative feelings, and adjusting your behavior in service of those strong or negative feelings.

We have negative feelings about all kinds of stuff, all of the time. The way those feelings cease to rule our lives, is by dealing with them. When the source of those feelings is removed prior to our needing to deal with those feelings, we don't learn anything and we are not any better armed to deal with them in the future.

People don't get stronger because we avoid struggle, we get stronger because we learn how to endure struggle. This emotion dodging game the two of you seem to be playing is not doing anyone any good.

Also, this.