What happened: or "What's wrong with me?"

[poobah123]

So, after a 1.5 year experience with polyamory, I am left questioning why things didn't work out. Primarily it was me out of the four partners who had problems with poly and eventually ended it. However, I continue to believe in this and question things. Primarily I ended the relationships because I just wasn't enjoying myself.

First problem
I really never became comfortable with my wife Sarah being with someone else sexually, mostly because of feeling inadequate. Why? Well, we are somewhat incompatible. I have erection issues. Sarah can only orgasm when she's on top. Mostly she uses a vibrator now. She has always lacked sensitivity, meaning she felt nothing from me from oral sex. She told me she had the same problem orgasming with her other lover too, so it shouldn't have bothered me, but it did.

Second problem
While my lover Sunny was attractive, she wasn't my "type." I had only ever been my wife before, so maybe this had something to do with it. I know when you love someone this shouldn't matter, but physical and hormonal feelings do matter. I just wasn't "feeling it". Only occasionally did I feel the urge to be physical with Sunny, whereas with Sarah (who is my type) I feel the urge 24 hours per day.

Today
It's been a year since anyone's been physical. We are all really good friends. We are kind of like family and it's good. However, I always consider going back. Why? When we started we did it the wrong way. Lots of mistakes were made and lessons learned. I do have feelings for Sunny, and Sarah has feelings for Sam.

Now here is the real kicker. I do every once in a while feel like having sex with Sunny. Fact is, on a compatibility scale, for me, like 90% of it comes from our chemistry emotionally, with sexual acts. I mean, we can have incredible phone sex, rough sex, slow sex, anywhere sex. I literally can tease and play with her all day without having sex, until she is at the point where she will do anything. She loves it and I enjoy seeing her enjoy it. Alas, then we get down to it physically, and it's not very exciting for me. WTF is wrong with me?

I feel like I have overcome lots of my insecurity. I've sure learned a lot in a short period. I am someone whose mind never stops thinking... hence the above book.

I guess I'm just looking for opinions. I respect many of you on these forums and still believe in being poly.

 

[NovemberRain]

Primarily I ended the relationships because I just wasn't enjoying myself.

That sounds like a pretty good reason to end it.

She had the same problem orgasming with her other lover too, so it shouldn't have bothered me, but it did.

It's not really productive to "should" on yourself. Feelings are what they are. There is no "should." Telling yourself you shouldn't have feelings doesn't help. It's perfectly okay to feel bothered. About anything. Could be an indicator that action is needed, but it might just be a feeling...

While Sunny is attractive, she isn't my "type." I had only ever been Sarah before, so maybe this had something to do with it. I know when you love someone this shouldn't matter, but physical and hormonal feelings do matter. I just wasn't "feeling it." Only occasionally did I feel the urge to be physical with Sunny, whereas with Sarah (who is my type), I feel the urge 24 hours per day.

Why shouldn't it matter? Does it matter to you if it's man or a woman? Oh, so some things matter.

For me, it doesn't matter what the plumbing is, but I have other preferences. It's taken me forever to get okay with having preferences, because I also believed that it "shouldn't" matter. I learned that if it matters, it matters. There are enough people to choose from. It's perfectly okay to have a preference.

WTF is wrong with me?

Not a thing that I can see, from this post.

I guess I'm just looking for opinions. I respect many of you on these forums and still believe in being poly.

Not really clear on what you're asking, if it was more than "WTF?"

 

[poobah123]

Thank you for taking the time to respond!

LOL Yeah, that about sums it up. I guess I have never experienced this. Being into someone with my mind and being so compatible. We think so much alike that sexual tension is easy to play with and escalate. It's fun as anything, but from the physical standpoint, not so much.

I guess if there were a lineup of 10 women, I would think she is pretty for sure, but wouldn't single her out as a "I'd love to hit that" type of girl (guy line).

I've been told I am shallow because of this, but it's how I feel. I do feel like once in a while the physical part would be cool. Actually, now that much time has passed, I wonder to myself how I would feel today. I wonder if I overcame all of my hold ups and would actually enjoy it.

 

[GalaGirl]

I ended the relationships because I just wasn't enjoying myself.

Sounds like a good reason to end them...

I really never became comfortable with Sarah being with Sam sexually, mostly because of feeling inadequate. Why? Well, we are somewhat incompatible. I have erection issues. Sarah only orgasms when she's on top. Mostly she uses a vibrator now. But she has always lacked sensitivity. I mean, she felt nothing from me from oral sex. She had the same problem orgasming with Sam too, so it shouldn't have bothered me, but it did.

Why does Sarah have to orgasm from PIV for you to feel "adequate?" You could hold the vibrator to bring her to orgasm, right?

We could have incredible phone sex, rough sex, slow sex, anywhere sex. I literally can tease and play with her all day without having sex, until she is at the point she will do anything. She loves it and I enjoy seeing her enjoy it.

Great. Enjoy!

Alas, then we get physical, and it's not exciting for me. WTF is wrong with me?

Erectile dysfunction when you try to have penetration, you mean? Is it because you worry about bringing Sunny to orgasm like you experience with Sarah?

Are you of age for andropause? Something else?

I do feel like I have overcome lots of my insecurity.

This is good. But "overcoming lots" is not you saying "I am secure."

What other areas are left for you to come to terms with?

Galagirl

 

[IndieSolo]

I am trying to recall your situation, as I believe you used to post here a lot. I read one of your old threads, and skimmed a few others. DingedHeart had summarized your situation in one of your more recent threads, and you told him he had understood the situation pretty clearly:

​

You fall for this woman, Sunny. She gets her husband Sam to agree to open up the marriage. You then try to get your wife Sarah on board. With the help of the other couple, she comes around. You and the women are HAPPY for a time. Then, because of the circumstances and now relatable situation, Sam and your wife Sarah form a support group, which leads to them becoming involved with each other. That made you unhappy. It's a struggle for you, with jealousy, the usual stuff. Then Sarah told you she loves you, but she is not " in love" with you. She is not turned on by you. This was a crushing blow to you. The two of you then have problems sexually... things further devolve.

​

And now you have become so tortured by all this, you want to stop, and want Sarah to stop as well, or at least stop having sex with Sam. Ideally you'd want it to go back to the way it was a year or two before you got that great idea. Did I get this essentially right?​

​

It sounds to me you carry a lot of guilt and other emotions for pushing this situation into three peoples' lives and now you're the one that can't handle it. Maybe you need to get some therapy or counseling to figure out what you really need or want, independent of the group. However, now that you put these other balls in play, you might be screwed as to actually achieving it.​

In that thread, you had said you were going to go to a therapist. You said that it was an issue around Sarah being sexual with someone else that bothered you the most.

How did therapy work out?
Have you come to terms, at least somewhat, with your jealousy and possessiveness?
Are you questioning things now because you feel more ready for both you and Sarah to have additional partners?
Was there a reason why you and Sarah decided it had to be a quad?
Why couldn't you each have pursued other partners separately?

FWIW, I don't think it's weird or odd that your wife's best friend, with whom you had an emotional affair, turned out to be someone you were not attracted to sexually. You were attracted to her mind and her personality, and had fun with her in that way, but do not feel the urge to boink her. That's okay. Nothing wrong with you for that. However, it seemed that your jealousy and obsessiveness/possessiveness over your wife having sex with someone other than you (and liking it?), was very connected to your sudden lack of attraction to Sunny. Did you look at that in therapy, specifically, and address it?

 

[poobah123]

I am trying to recall your situation, as I believe you used to post here a lot. I read one of your old threads, and skimmed a few others of yours. DingedHeart had summarized your situation in one of your more recent threads, and you told him he had understood the situation pretty clearly:

Yes, this was very accurate. I am somewhat embarrassed by those old messages, as it was a perfect example of how not to enter into a poly relationship.

In that thread, you had said you were going to go to a therapist. You said that it was an issue around your wife being sexual with someone else that bothered you the most. How did therapy work out? Have you come to terms, at least somewhat, with your jealousy and possessiveness? Are you questioning things now because you feel more ready for both you and your Sarah to have additional partners?

I did see a therapist who specialized in open relationships. It helped somewhat, but like marriage counseling, it got to a point I didn't feel like it was helping. When I ended everything poly, I was very insecure over many things-- Sarah's feeling for someone else, hurting others, etc., but I have moved past this. I am at the point where I have overcome a lot of these emotions that prohibited being poly. I feel comfortable where I am in life. My relationship with Sarah has gotten better. We are really great friends with the other couple. Example: Sarah had emergency surgery while I was out of town and they were there to help. I suffer from anxiety and panic, and my SO Sunny has been so sweet and helpful with this (something Sarah hasn't been). I feel so blessed to have her in my life. It gets really bad sometimes, with nervous breakdowns, and to have another person who understands and cares is so helpful, words cannot explain.

I am someone who always questions the status quo. I really do believe in being polyamorous, and the invalid emotions that get in the way are due to being pre-programmed a certain way. I am open-minded, so, yes, I do consider having a relationship again.

I have also gotten more comfortable with Sam, Sarah's SO. He is a good guy and respect him. We get along. We are different, but that's okay. I do not view him as a threat whatsoever.

Also, was there a reason why you and Sarah decide it had to be a quad? Why couldn't you each have pursued other partners separately?

No particular reason other than we are both super compatible with our OSOs. Sarah and I are less compatible, but certainly not incompatible. Been married 14 years, so there you go. It can be summed up like this. Both marriages feature an introvert married to an extrovert. Match us up with our OSO and there you go.

At this time, I don't think Sarah is up for being open after the fiasco that I put up, especially not with someone new, mostly because if she were going to enjoy someone else, she would like it to be Sam.

I don't think it's weird or odd that your wife's best friend with whom you had an emotional affair turned out to be someone you were not attracted to sexually. You were attracted to her mind and personality, and had fun with her in that way, but do not feel the urge to boink her. That's okay. Nothing wrong with you for that. However, it seemed that your jealousy and obsessiveness/possessiveness over Sarah having sex with someone other than you - and liking it? - was very connected to your sudden lack of attraction to Sunny. Did you look at that in therapy, specifically, and address it?

Yes, this certainly played a role. However, the strange thing is, I do feel like "boinking" her sometimes.

Sarah is incredibly gorgeous-- 5'1", 95 lbs, long flowing hair. The sex is good, but she has never been a super-sexual person. My libido is far above hers. I could have sex with her 3x a day.

However, not so much with Sunny.

I wonder if it's just natural that when my hormones start raging that it's instinct to want to be physical with Sunny since 1) it would be allowed and 2) she is available and willing and 3) it's super fun from a mental standpoint(?), and a little from the physical.

So this is really confusing for me. However I will continue to search within because I believe in questioning what a "relationship" and "marriage" truly means.

 

[AnnabelMore]

Just wanted to say that I love your story, Toy! It's natural to get different things from interactions with different people.

 

[GalaGirl]

Well put, Toy.

For me, the goal of a sex share is to share loving sex behaviors. It isn't to orgasm. That's just one possible outcome.

Even with the same partner, each encounter will be different. Sometimes there are lots of orgasms, sometimes there aren't. Sometimes there's lots of time to indulge, sometimes there isn't.

I wonder if it's just natural that when my hormones start raging that it's instinct to want to be physical with Sunny since 1) it would be allowed and 2) she is available and willing and 3) it's super fun from a mental standpoint(?), and a little from the physical.

Sure it's natural. And if it is also in keeping with your relationship agreements, and everyone is okay with it, great!

This is really confusing for me. However, I will continue to search within, because I believe in questioning what a "relationship" and "marriage" truly means.

I think you could be questioning "desire" and "sexual expression" perhaps, because you are in relationships with both your lovers already. With one lover, you also have a marriage union/contract/bond thing. My definitions run along the same lines as Toy's.

But let me add this and put it this way... Sex share can be a part of a marriage, but a marriage is more than sex share, like, clam chowder is a kind of soup, but not all soups are clam chowder. Your lovers are different people and touch different parts of you inside. You can enjoy them just as they are. They don't both have to be the same, or both have to touch the same places within, just because both are your lovers.

GG

 

[Marcus]

Your lovers are different people and touch different parts of you inside. You can enjoy them just as they are. They don't both have to be the same, or both have to touch the same places within, just because both are your lovers.

That's beautiful, GG.

 

[poobah123]

Thanks everyone! I am leaning towards having a more involved relationship with Sunny. Just a great feeling what our relationship brings to my life. I think I have evolved to the point I am comfortable. We shall see.