Hi, i'm new here and to the scary world of what is called polyamory. 2 weeks ago i did not even know this word existed but thinking back i have apparently been in this state of mind for a very long time. Though i'm still not sure if its a relief to know that now or just a good excuse for me behaving like an ass - sometimes it still feels that way.
I would like to share my story with you and if possible get some ideas to keep me on track. I'm still new to all of this and ist's hard to navigate the "not normal" ways of behaviour.
I'm happily married. Still with the same woman that was my first girlfriend and up until about a year ago the only woman i ever really had slept with. Our relationship started as a long distance one. We met on the internet and spend the first year only chatting on the internet before we actually got to meet. After that we went on going back and forth, sometimes spending months apart before we managed to really see each other.
After a couple of years we got together and she moved in with me. Still going home a couple times a year to see her family the long distance thing never stopped though. Usually she is going for 2-4 weeks a couple times a year - lately a bit more to let her parents spend time with their grand-children (we do have 2, 1 and 4 ears). Often i join them there, but usually only for a week.
So in between being with someone there always was and still is a lot of time alone. I did never deal good with that and still only start to get comfortable with it slowly lately.
At first i went back to do what i did before, hit up some chat and find someone to talk to there and over the years i did have a couple of online-relationships that way with other woman. Sometimes just talking to one over a couple of days with a few lasting longer. One of them became a nice friendship, over years and we talk every once in a while and even met for real last year over coffee.
For a long time i did not tell my wife about any of that, though she probably had a pretty good idea. Eventually i did and now she knows about it since years and i'm open with her about it ever since. She also knows about my far away friend that i went to see, and occasionally even asks how she is doing. They even met once and chatted for a while.
Everything was ok like this until about a year ago. Our relationship had the normal up and downs with thee stress parenthood puts on it but nothing we did not make it through. We do communicate a lot, probably though the way we started our relationship and this has been essential.
About a year ago, i finally gave in to the suggestion of my wife to "get laid", as she does not have the energy to take care of me with our second kid just born and her putting all her energy into that.
She has been in my ears for a long time about finally going out and trying something else as she has been my only one until then. I did not really know what to think of it but finally went with it and tried something new.
No idea how to pick up real woman (never really did) i went for the easiest way and looked for a few escorts over the next few months (which is perfectly legal where i'm from, just to note).
Most of them ware really nice, good looking and i should have had a great time. Still most of the time i did not. Actually the best times i had (with few exceptions) ware mostly talking.
Only with very few there was actual sex that deserves that name. Meaning i did not call it off in the middle saying it just doesn't work for me and making up excuses (i'm too tired,..). Definitely not a good feeling, when you suddenly start wondering why you can't get it up with a incredibly hot girl naked in front of you.
A few times it did work quite well, i just had my head free to enjoy just the actual sex and did not go there because i was feeling lonely or insecure in the first place.
I kept going like this for a few months, every time when i had a few days to myself, until one time something was different with one of the woman i was with.
It was like any other time at first but laying there with her felt different and i was feeling good after.
So i came back and we mostly just laid in bed holding. I left hours later, not even having compensated her for a fraction of the time i was with her as i only realised later how long i was there.
A few weeks later i was home alone again, looking for some company and found her to be not far. When i went there she immediately recognised me and by the look on her face i did make her day.
This was about 3 months ago and i did see her a lot since, sometimes spending the night if she asked me to and i'm able to stay out, sometimes just going some place and walk through the part or whatever we come up with. I usually do not really pay her anymore, just give her a bit if i keep her from working all day (after all she is working for a reason and i feel bad if i keep her from doing that), but sometimes she even refuses to take it. When i could not see her for a while (because she was in another town or i had no time), we kept writing messages back and forth, much like you would with your loved one, kissing them good night before bed and saying good morning, etc.
It was going on nicely, my wife knowing about every step, was already making jokes about me having a girlfriend and telling me not to fall in love because she is only "babysitting" me for her.
A couple times this already lead to some arguments over little things, like seeing a picture of me and her when looking through kids pictures on my phone. Still every time we managed to talk it out and felt stronger together than before.
Actually the last few weeks the relationship between me and my wife felt closer than it was in years because everything that was happening got us out from our old rut and to think about ourselves.
Of course then i had to fuck the peace up:
My wife was (and still is for another week) home at her parents with the kids over the school holiday. She knew i was going to see my girlfriend in that time and left in good faith "knowing i was in good hands".
Unfortunately a few days later i ended up with that other woman in OUR bed. It pretty much went like in the movies. Her place was being broken into while she was out and a couple hours later i picked her up from the police station taking her back. Still in tears i managed to calm her down and eventually spend the night.
My wife already not so happy about the whole thing (i told her every step, from the moment i found out what happened letting her know i'm going there, etc) was still ok with it, since of course its ok to be with a friend in a bad time.
The next day i asked her to come home with me (not wanting to let her alone there) and managed to take her mind of what happened. I should have let it at that put her to bed in the guest room but of course i did not go that way. Instead i had an argument with my wife just about that, which let me all fucked up. Trying to cheer me up - like i did the day before - she came to me to comfort me, even insisting i go on talking to my wife to resolve it. After maybe starring a the phone for an hour i guess i gave up and the comforting with just a hug went on with a kiss and probably a movie worth love scene (though it was not even intercourse). Dead tired i just fell asleep at one point and woke up again with her in my arms in OUR bed.
I knew i was in deep shit then. We both knew it. We did not talk much anymore that morning, pretty much just got dressed and went back to her place. We sit a bit there and eventually i give her a kiss and left, not even saying good bye. I would not have been able to leave if i did not "run" out of there without looking back (which was absolutely not nice of me).
I thought i fucked it all up, lost my wife and family and lost her too. I drove a bit and stopped somewhere on my way home to sit in the car for a couple hours to calm down. Eventually i managed to talk a bit with my wife and got back home ok, sitting there alone for 3 days before i went on the plane to join her at her parents.
We talked in the days before i went there and managed to calm down but it took a couple more days of sneaking out at night and sitting in the garden talking half the night before we managed to be back to "normal".
My wife understands that i do care about the other woman a whole lot and that i am in love with her but we both don't really know how to deal with this so at the moment we just talk a lot and started to look into figuring our what is going on. Already half way though the "The Ethical Slut" we started to understand a lot more. We both already experienced that our relationship deepened a lot by what happened, but still need to find a way to make it work and not have it be an emotional roller-coaster.
My girlfriend understands that i want to be with her too, but i made it clear that this is not possible without my wife "on board with it". As much as i like her if i had to choose it could not be her, because i would not get out of my mind what i lost for her then.
I'm not exactly sure how to go on from here, all i do know is that we are going to need some time to figure out what exactly we (and by that i mean mostly me) want from all this. I don't want to loose either of them because i already felt like i did and it was not pleasant.
PS: Yes it did cross my mind that the other woman, giving her profession, might just putting up a big act making me think she fell in love with me, with the evil plot to break me and my wife up to have me for her. But apparently i'm willing to bet my way of life on the fact that she is the honest and nice person i believe her to be.
I would like to share my story with you and if possible get some ideas to keep me on track. I'm still new to all of this and ist's hard to navigate the "not normal" ways of behaviour.
I'm happily married. Still with the same woman that was my first girlfriend and up until about a year ago the only woman i ever really had slept with. Our relationship started as a long distance one. We met on the internet and spend the first year only chatting on the internet before we actually got to meet. After that we went on going back and forth, sometimes spending months apart before we managed to really see each other.
After a couple of years we got together and she moved in with me. Still going home a couple times a year to see her family the long distance thing never stopped though. Usually she is going for 2-4 weeks a couple times a year - lately a bit more to let her parents spend time with their grand-children (we do have 2, 1 and 4 ears). Often i join them there, but usually only for a week.
So in between being with someone there always was and still is a lot of time alone. I did never deal good with that and still only start to get comfortable with it slowly lately.
At first i went back to do what i did before, hit up some chat and find someone to talk to there and over the years i did have a couple of online-relationships that way with other woman. Sometimes just talking to one over a couple of days with a few lasting longer. One of them became a nice friendship, over years and we talk every once in a while and even met for real last year over coffee.
For a long time i did not tell my wife about any of that, though she probably had a pretty good idea. Eventually i did and now she knows about it since years and i'm open with her about it ever since. She also knows about my far away friend that i went to see, and occasionally even asks how she is doing. They even met once and chatted for a while.
Everything was ok like this until about a year ago. Our relationship had the normal up and downs with thee stress parenthood puts on it but nothing we did not make it through. We do communicate a lot, probably though the way we started our relationship and this has been essential.
About a year ago, i finally gave in to the suggestion of my wife to "get laid", as she does not have the energy to take care of me with our second kid just born and her putting all her energy into that.
She has been in my ears for a long time about finally going out and trying something else as she has been my only one until then. I did not really know what to think of it but finally went with it and tried something new.
No idea how to pick up real woman (never really did) i went for the easiest way and looked for a few escorts over the next few months (which is perfectly legal where i'm from, just to note).
Most of them ware really nice, good looking and i should have had a great time. Still most of the time i did not. Actually the best times i had (with few exceptions) ware mostly talking.
Only with very few there was actual sex that deserves that name. Meaning i did not call it off in the middle saying it just doesn't work for me and making up excuses (i'm too tired,..). Definitely not a good feeling, when you suddenly start wondering why you can't get it up with a incredibly hot girl naked in front of you.
A few times it did work quite well, i just had my head free to enjoy just the actual sex and did not go there because i was feeling lonely or insecure in the first place.
I kept going like this for a few months, every time when i had a few days to myself, until one time something was different with one of the woman i was with.
It was like any other time at first but laying there with her felt different and i was feeling good after.
So i came back and we mostly just laid in bed holding. I left hours later, not even having compensated her for a fraction of the time i was with her as i only realised later how long i was there.
A few weeks later i was home alone again, looking for some company and found her to be not far. When i went there she immediately recognised me and by the look on her face i did make her day.
This was about 3 months ago and i did see her a lot since, sometimes spending the night if she asked me to and i'm able to stay out, sometimes just going some place and walk through the part or whatever we come up with. I usually do not really pay her anymore, just give her a bit if i keep her from working all day (after all she is working for a reason and i feel bad if i keep her from doing that), but sometimes she even refuses to take it. When i could not see her for a while (because she was in another town or i had no time), we kept writing messages back and forth, much like you would with your loved one, kissing them good night before bed and saying good morning, etc.
It was going on nicely, my wife knowing about every step, was already making jokes about me having a girlfriend and telling me not to fall in love because she is only "babysitting" me for her.
A couple times this already lead to some arguments over little things, like seeing a picture of me and her when looking through kids pictures on my phone. Still every time we managed to talk it out and felt stronger together than before.
Actually the last few weeks the relationship between me and my wife felt closer than it was in years because everything that was happening got us out from our old rut and to think about ourselves.
Of course then i had to fuck the peace up:
My wife was (and still is for another week) home at her parents with the kids over the school holiday. She knew i was going to see my girlfriend in that time and left in good faith "knowing i was in good hands".
Unfortunately a few days later i ended up with that other woman in OUR bed. It pretty much went like in the movies. Her place was being broken into while she was out and a couple hours later i picked her up from the police station taking her back. Still in tears i managed to calm her down and eventually spend the night.
My wife already not so happy about the whole thing (i told her every step, from the moment i found out what happened letting her know i'm going there, etc) was still ok with it, since of course its ok to be with a friend in a bad time.
The next day i asked her to come home with me (not wanting to let her alone there) and managed to take her mind of what happened. I should have let it at that put her to bed in the guest room but of course i did not go that way. Instead i had an argument with my wife just about that, which let me all fucked up. Trying to cheer me up - like i did the day before - she came to me to comfort me, even insisting i go on talking to my wife to resolve it. After maybe starring a the phone for an hour i guess i gave up and the comforting with just a hug went on with a kiss and probably a movie worth love scene (though it was not even intercourse). Dead tired i just fell asleep at one point and woke up again with her in my arms in OUR bed.
I knew i was in deep shit then. We both knew it. We did not talk much anymore that morning, pretty much just got dressed and went back to her place. We sit a bit there and eventually i give her a kiss and left, not even saying good bye. I would not have been able to leave if i did not "run" out of there without looking back (which was absolutely not nice of me).
I thought i fucked it all up, lost my wife and family and lost her too. I drove a bit and stopped somewhere on my way home to sit in the car for a couple hours to calm down. Eventually i managed to talk a bit with my wife and got back home ok, sitting there alone for 3 days before i went on the plane to join her at her parents.
We talked in the days before i went there and managed to calm down but it took a couple more days of sneaking out at night and sitting in the garden talking half the night before we managed to be back to "normal".
My wife understands that i do care about the other woman a whole lot and that i am in love with her but we both don't really know how to deal with this so at the moment we just talk a lot and started to look into figuring our what is going on. Already half way though the "The Ethical Slut" we started to understand a lot more. We both already experienced that our relationship deepened a lot by what happened, but still need to find a way to make it work and not have it be an emotional roller-coaster.
My girlfriend understands that i want to be with her too, but i made it clear that this is not possible without my wife "on board with it". As much as i like her if i had to choose it could not be her, because i would not get out of my mind what i lost for her then.
I'm not exactly sure how to go on from here, all i do know is that we are going to need some time to figure out what exactly we (and by that i mean mostly me) want from all this. I don't want to loose either of them because i already felt like i did and it was not pleasant.
PS: Yes it did cross my mind that the other woman, giving her profession, might just putting up a big act making me think she fell in love with me, with the evil plot to break me and my wife up to have me for her. But apparently i'm willing to bet my way of life on the fact that she is the honest and nice person i believe her to be.
