What is poly love like?

C

cheryl

New member
Is it any different from mono love? Is it as intense? Is it better because you have the all of the good things, like caring, closeness, companionship, sex, without the insecurity and possessiveness, because you know someone else cares, and you have another person to turn to when things aren't going well with your other partner?

If the relationship is a vee or a quad, and people aren't all in bed together, how much information should be shared? Conversations? What happens in bed? Disagreements? If there's no communication, it seems to lead to big secrets, someone feeling left out of the loop. When there's too much, it feels like there is no privacy, and I'm less inclined to confide anything I don't want shared with a third person. And talk, knowing how someone thinks and sees the world, is as important to me as sex, probably more. I worry that I'm shutting down, censoring what I do or say now.

In some ways, I can see the advantages of polyamory. Life is short. I can understand someone wanting to experience as much as possible. But I also wonder if it inevitably creates a certain distance between any two people, although certainly less distance and damage than having affairs.
 
cheryl said:
Is it any different from mono love?
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No.

Is it as intense?
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Yes.

Is it better because you have the all of the good things, like caring, closeness, companionship, sex, without the insecurity and possessiveness[?]
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Yes.

...because you know someone else cares, and you have another person to turn to when things aren't going well with your other partner?
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Well... another lover can feel healing if your primary or OSO is going through some shit that's wearing you out. But platonic friends can also serve this purpose, so I don't see that as exclusive to being poly.

If the relationship is a vee or a quad, and people arent all in bed together, how much information should be shared? Conversations? What happens in bed? Disagreements?
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This varies. Personally, I've never had a lover ask me not to share anything with any of my other lovers, nor have I asked them not to share about things I've said or done. But I have read here, some people require a lot more discretion and privacy, and you sound like you're in that camp.

If there's no communication, it seems to lead to big secrets, someone feeling left out of the loop. When there's too much, it feels like there is no privacy, and I'm less inclined to confide anything I don't want shared with a third person. And talk, knowing how someone thinks and sees the world, is as important to me as sex, probably more. I worry that I'm shutting down, censoring what I do or say now.

In some ways I can see the advantages of polyamory. Life is short. I can understand someone wanting to experience as much as possible. But I also wonder if it inevitably creates a certain distance between any two people, although certainly less distance and damage than having affairs.
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Do you feel distance between yourself and your lovers because you are holding back for fear they will share things with their other lover(s)? Have you tried just asking them to be discreet about certain things you tell them, or about your sexual activities?
 
Is it any different from mono love? Is it as intense? Is it better because you have the all of the good things, like caring, closeness, companionship, sex, without the insecurity and possessiveness, because you know someone else cares, and you have another person to turn to when things aren't going well with your other partner?

I have found that polyamorous love is just as intense as monoamorous love. You do have all of the good things, like caring and closeness, that is shared between all involved, but I do not think you should look at the other person as someone to turn to when things get bad with your other partner. With our triad, we share everything, and we all talk often about everything that is going on between all of us. It seems to me that if you do not have that kind of relationship between everyone, then you have trouble waiting to happen. Divisions will creep in where there should not be any. Understand, I am speaking from my own experience. If you confide in one and not the other, there is obviously a problem. Problems should be divided and conquered as a whole team. I do not see where if everyone involved is on the same page and wanting the same thing from the poly relationship that they shouldn't be able to share everything and work on each relationship and the relationship as a whole together.
 
I have found no two love relationships are the same. One can impact the other in terms of time and energy level, but it's up to me to find an appropriate balance. I have found I can't mold my poly relationship into what I think it should be. In a quad, everyone impacts both relationships, and one is bound by the pace of the least invested member. By the same token, progress, or deeper establishment, or whatever you want to call it, can only be made with effort - sharing of needs, desires, time. Information sharing grows over time, as trust levels deepen. I also find that relationship development is slow... But that is the way love endures, with time.
 
Try looking at some of the other threads on this topic. It might help you understand and answer the question for yourself a bit more. You can find other threads by doing a tad search in the search engine on the tool bar. The tag to find is "mono/poly." It's the biggest tag list we have. :)
 
cheryl said:
Is it any different from mono love? Is it as intense? Is it better because you have the all of the good things, like caring, closeness, companionship, sex, without the insecurity and possessiveness, because you know someone else cares, and you have another person to turn to when things aren't going well with your other partner?
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Think about the different people you love in your life, your friends, family, past boyfriends or girlfriends. Love comes in many shades, hues, and intensities. Try not to think in terms of such blanket statements that polyamory is "better" than monoamory, or that love in a polyamorous setting is better. It's all about what's right for YOU and the people involved. One is not better than the other. Polyamory is just not as familiar a structure for relationships, in most modern cultures, as monoamory is. People can be just as insecure and possessive in poly relationships as in mono ones. People are people and they take all their best and worst traits into whatever scenario they engage in.

cheryl said:
If the relationship is a vee or a quad, and people aren't all in bed together, how much information should be shared? Conversations? What happens in bed? Disagreements? If there's no communication, it seems to lead to big secrets, someone feeling left out of the loop. When there's too much, it feels like there is no privacy, and I'm less inclined to confide anything I don't want shared with a third person. And talk, knowing how someone thinks and sees the world, is as important to me as sex, probably more. I worry that I'm shutting down, censoring what I do or say now.
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There are several long discussions here about pros, cons, and various protocols people use regarding sharing information with those you're involved with. I posted some relevant links here:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=94797&postcount=6.

cheryl said:
In some ways, I can see the advantages of polyamory. Life is short. I can understand someone wanting to experience as much as possible. But I also wonder if it inevitably creates a certain distance between any two people, although certainly less distance and damage than having affairs.
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Do a search for topics that interest you. There are so many informative, juicy discussions here!

There is also a good FAQ here: alt.polyamory Frequently Asked Questions
 
Is it better because you have the all of the good things, like caring, closeness, companionship, sex, without the insecurity and possessiveness?
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Yes. That's really nice. No jealousy. Everybody cares, everybody shares. Everyone takes turns. Everyone is mature about it. Open communication. Talk about issues right away before they become too serious.
 
I don't think I'm tough enough

Tonight my boyfriend said "I love you" as he was hanging up, because his other girlfriend was pulling into the driveway. I said "Have a good night."

Maybe this really isn't for me. It's too hard. I honestly feel like I'd rather be alone than be on this rollercoaster every day. I know it's my fault, my own lack of confidence or self esteem. But if it makes you miserable, what's the point? I thought I could reason my way out of feelings like jealousy, but it doesn't seem to be working. It's too much. I wanted honesty, but God, it's brutal at times. I don't ever fucking want to be in love again. I'm sick of it.
 
It certainly helps to have people you can talk to about your feelings. Honest communication is extremely important when you are in any relationship, but I find that it is most important to be honest with yourself. I'm not telling you that you should act on what you're feeling right this very second. That would be rash. I propose you need to contemplate all of the feelings you are having, and I do mean all of them, and discuss them with your partner/s, even friends whom you have told about being poly and you know will be considerate. Keeping your feelings to yourself will not help anyone.

Jealousy is a very hard monster to fight, but you don't have to fight it alone.
 
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