What to do when your partner has the passion for his gf that you wish he had for you

C

Coraline

New member
H and I have been together for three years/married for one. At first, like probably most *everyone,* sex was hot, experimental, and frequent. I was coming out of a decade-long relationship with someone who I had *never* had any sexual desire for, so passion with H was a really, really, really important part of my relationship with him, and something I vowed to never be without in a marriage again.

Over the past year, however, surprise surprise, sex has gotten less hot, less experimental, and less frequent. Now it's maybe twice a week, lasting maybe ten minutes each time. H doesn't seem to think there's a problem. I've raised the subject multiple times and asked to talk about it. He thinks I'm just projecting my baggage from my ex onto our relationship, and making up a problem where there is none. He says he'd like to do more experimental stuff again, but feels like I'm always moody or that I have a less playful demeanor most of the time, or something like that that I don't really understand. Not to mention, if he wants more playful/experimental stuff, he hasn't done anything at all to put that into practice. I've stopped talking about it lately because I'm starting to feel like my ex must have felt as the rejected partner.

Anyway, H has been sort of dating this woman, M, and I'm pretty sure they're going to sleep together when they meet up next week. I've read some of their text messages (with H's knowledge), and they are incredibly hot, and go on and on about all the ways he wants to seduce her. I try sometimes to prompt him to send me sexy texts, and even send naked pics, etc. of myself... I don't usually get much of a response, but he asks this other girl constantly for pics of herself, which she won't send because she's kinda uptight. He doesn't ignore me - he'll always say something flattering - but the messages never go anywhere.

Okay, so how should I react to this? I tell myself things seem more passionate between H and M because they are new, and things are always more electric when they're just getting started, and that sex between me and H is actually usually pretty meaningful and loving, even if it is short in duration :p. I know he just wants to seduce her, and that it is mostly a sexual thing for him, but I'm feeling really, really sad that he doesn't put as much energy into seducing me as he does her, and for sure I feel like my sexual needs aren't met, despite my efforts. I'm afraid I'm going to have a big meltdown when they sleep together, instead of being happy for him, which I would be if it felt like he and I were doing okay sexually.

I guess I'm also asking a more general question about what to do when you need something from a partner that they give someone else, and just barely give to you.
 
Do you want to be seduced because YOU want to be seduced or do you want it because he's giving it to her? There is a difference. If you want more imaginative sex initiate more imaginative sex.
 
I am asexual, so sex and sexual desire is confusing to me, but feeling like I'm losing my love's attention/affection is not. I don't know if my opinion will be useful to you or not, but I thought I'd give it a shot since no one else has responded yet and I know how frustrating that can be.

Have you tried to initiate experimental stuff with him? Not just the texting, but when he's with you. If he says he wants to but you're moody, be very clear that you are in a sexy experimental mood and see how he reacts. I understand if you're hesitant because rejection is so painful and risking it is scary. But I have found that when I am convinced that there is a problem, I will subconsciously create situations that make that problem worse. I have to really consider whether there is a real problem or one I am creating and perpetuating by my own thoughts and actions. Does that make sense? I feel like I'm not expressing myself very well. Are there other issues between you, aside from the sex or is sex the only thing you feel is lacking?

I also have to be careful to NOT do things that my husband's girlfriend does. For instance: she likes to sit right next to him in his truck. That never occurred to me, but now that I know she does it, I kind of want to, too. But that's just not me, so I don't. I would actually be uncomfortable and feel like I was trying to imitate her instead of being myself. So I focus on being the me I always was, the one he fell in love with and still loves.

Sometimes the issues I think are OUR issues are really MY issues and I have to figure them out myself. Sometimes they are HIS issues and I have to let him figure them out himself.

I hope this is helpful. It's really just random thoughts that occurred to me as I read and thought about your post. I hope things are resolved for you soon.
 
Maybe the sex you considered exciting, he didn't and he just doesn't want that type of relationship with you. If that's an issue for you, leave.
 
KittenPuff - Your thoughts DO make a lot of sense, and my situation seems very much the same as losing your love's affection in a general sense. I also wonder constantly whether this is a self-fulfilling problem I've created for myself, which I think is something else you hinted at.

The last time we had a serious discussion about it, he told me his decreased interest is due to his perception that I had lost my ability to have fun and be playful - not just in sex, but in everything. That was probably a true statement, and has a LOT to do with my job, which leaves me tired and depressed most of the time. The problem is, I get more unhappy and less satisfied in my life the more he pulls away, so the problem just feeds itself. He turns me down much more now than ever (which really isn't that often because I'm cautious about ever initiating anymore). That just leads me to feel lonely and more unhappy.

I'm working on all these issues, and he's been very supportive of that. In the meantime, I can't get out of this rut, whatever the cause - whether it's all in my head, or it really is his being turned off by my moodiness, or worse. I am certain that a little flirting on his part, or reciprocation of my efforts, would go a long, long way. In the meantime, I can't get it out of my head that the thing I need right now - some indication that he is still sexy passionate about me - is being directed toward someone else. I know these things I'm doing are unattractive, so I don't blame him for being turned off. I don't want to make matters worse next week by being hurt when he comes home after what I would normally hope would be a fun adventure with someone else.
 
Coraline- I'm sorry that you are having these concerns and can only tell you what my experience is. It concerns me that the sex between you & DH is waning. I am not saying there is anything wrong with you, I'm just wondering if he feels trapped by the concept of marriage since the waning seems to coincide with marriage (you're not the only one this happens to by far) & why he really wants a lover. Have you actually told him how much it bothers you, like your actual true feelings? Total open communication is the key to making these relationships work. Typically, comparing one person to another is not a good idea but when your sex life is waning, one has to start asking questions. After 2 failed marriages & feeling trapped myself, I question the institution of marriage & don't know that I will do it again. My last marriage was 10 yrs & was loveless, sexless & miserable & I never want to do that again.

So some similarities but from a different perspective, I am the new woman in a V, boyfriend is married for a few years with a young child. His wife is a little upset because we talk & text so much, then again our relationship is new & we don't get a lot of face time. She doesn't want to be privy to the actual texts/emails & I feel that I have some right to privacy as does she. Plus do you really want that level of detail? I'm not privy to the details of their sex life though other than generalities. She actually expressed the concern that he will like her more than me & that we will be more sexually compatible (I believe that all feelings are valid & should be discussed). The reality is that I am much more sexually open than she is & share his sex drive & taste for more adventurous sex, but this doesn't take away from their sex life or his love for her at all. He seems to just love & want her more. If I was in any way taking away from their relationship sexually or otherwise, I think I would lose interest. I love seeing the love between them. Love is not finite, it grows with each person you love.

I think there is a problem with your marriage & you need to get honest with yourself & him before you hit the point of no return.
 
Sorry more....

I've been in that kind of rut. But having sex outside your marriage (or allowing it) when things are great probably isn't going to make things better. Being poly or open is about adding something else to something already good....there might be some additional desires you have that only another person can fulfill but the foundation of the "primary" relationship should be solid IMO

I think you are being way too hard on yourself, are being somewhat dishonest with your feelings (not a criticism, just feedback) and need to get this all out in the open. Don't let him fuck someone else if it's going to make you feel bad. That's no good for anyone.

Have you thought about counseling either for you or both of you? Sounds like you need to work on things in your life to feel happier & maybe that will help the relationship. Plus it sounds like you two need to re-open the lines of communication. Pulling away from each other is not a good sign at all & if you keep doing it, you'll be too far from each other to get back to where you need to be. Believe me, I've been there.
 
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Have you tried seducing him?
 
I guess I'm also asking a more general question about what to do when you need something from a partner that they give someone else, and just barely give to you.
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Could acknowledge "envy" in that other partner gets something you want -- quality time and attention and opportunity to connect.

Could ask your hinge for what you need.

Could learn to articulate the NEED (connectedness to partner) and distinguish it from the desired method (sex behavior.) Because we don't only connect to our partners via sex. It's a powerful way to connect, but it isn't the only way. When you frame the conversation in terms of sex and it isn't moving it forward to get your need met? Could maybe take a step back from the trees and get the forest picture?

Could take the need inventory. Figure out what you are missing. Then talk about it.

Okay, so how should I react to this? I tell myself things seem more passionate between H and M because they are new, and things are always more electric when they're just getting started, and that sex between me and H is actually usually pretty meaningful and loving, even if it is short in duration . I know he just wants to seduce her, and that it is mostly a sexual thing for him, but I'm feeling really, really sad that he doesn't put as much energy into seducing me as he does her, and for sure I feel like my sexual needs aren't met, despite my efforts. I'm afraid I'm going to have a big meltdown when they sleep together, instead of being happy for him, which I would be if it felt like he and I were doing okay sexually.
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You seem like you are doing fine sexually in general, though you desire longer lovemaking or experimental lovemaking here and there. That is one thing, perhaps the easier to see thing as the "top layer" problem?

What's underneath to me seems to be the need for CONNECTION. Maybe the need for some REASSURE too?

You don't seem like you are doing fine emotionally connected with your partner. I'm not seeing that expressed to partner clearly though. I see you trying to express and feeling frustrated he's not getting it. Well... could you broadcast in a different way?

We make love with our partner(s) to feel close and connected. You also say you crave texting behavior, picture sharing behavior. Those are other behaviors to serve the need to feel CONNECTED. (That's what makes me think it isn't about sex per se. )

Have you told him that paragraph quoted above jsut like that? Maybe could tell him again using other words? Maybe some of the struggle is in the HOW you tell it?

Could try somethings like...

" I'm sorry I seem moody and not playful. Could you tell me what behavior I am doing that I'm not aware of?

I feel sad and disconnected from you. I need to feel connected emotionally. I struggle to articulate my need to you. Could you be willing to spend quality time with me to connect on a deeper level? Could you be willing to acknowledge how I feel and support me in sorting it out?

I feel envious of your other partner when I see you spend time doing that kind of connecting behavior with her. I wish I had that quality time/connection for myself. Things like ____ that show loving connected behavior to me.

I am willing for you to date her and willing to understand that THAT relationship needs time/space to grow in. But could you be willing to understand that our own relationship could also be given time to stay connected and healthy? So our own relationship doesn't get neglected or taken for granted in the dating time?

Could you be willing to read poly hell with me and see how we could avoid those pitfalls as your new thing unfolds? I want to feel happy for you in your new relationship but it is hard to feel happy in that area when I feel sad and disconnected in this area. I need to be reasurred and I need to feel connected. "​

Could try talking about the EMOTIONAL NEEDS that having sex would fulfill for you -- (is it the pillow talk after? The happy hormones sex releases? reassurance you are still important to him? Something else?) and thus be open to meeting those needs (ex: like connectedness during the dating time) in other ways through other methods besides sex.

Maybe taking that perspective could serve you better? Talk to each other. Sort it out.

Hang in there!
Galagirl
 
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For me, the chase and the new sex is exciting. So take that into account as well.
 
How you feel is understandable. Not saying that you are overblowing this, but I find it helpful to remember that you will always imagine your partner and your metamor are having better sex than you and your partner, regardless of the reality!

Also, side note, after they are together for three years, see how much has cooled down. It probably will have. NRE is powerful. Knowing this is NRE could help you feel less upset.

Also, do you live together? Because if you do, living together tends to take the edge of urgency away. When you have a partnership where you only meet once or twice a week, desire builds. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. It's not that you are lacking. It's that she is far away! (If that is the case.) You can test this by going away for a week. Come back and see how the sex is.

Talk about it! He seems unresponsive, but you need to talk about it. As soon as you find yourself in a forum, that's a sign you need to sit down and have a serious all-night chat. Find a poly-friendly counselor. Talk it out. Hear his side of things. Tell your side of things. Share your honest feelings. If you can't do that it won't work.

Sucky situation, all around.

Hope somethings helps.
 
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