What to say

Talk it out. Go to counseling. Wait for either the bad blood to disappear (there is obviously bad blood) or for the relationship to end, which seems likely. Don't bring a child into that. Lies create this kind of tension and drama and bring out the worst in people. Find a poly-friendly counselor and talk about coming out, stopping the lies. COMMUNICATE TO THEM ABOUT THIS, maybe not so much strangers on the webz. Don't have a kid yet. As a child who comes from a troubled home, I am begging you, wait to have this child.
 
As for her having more children, that isn't a possibility, given that she's 46 and has had a partial hysterectomy. We did have a pretty lengthy discussion tonight as to the fact that I want my children to know the truth. And for me, the truth is they have two mommies and a daddy that love them beyond belief.

I also was able to address my concern about having a child that may not look like their child, and more like me, and the fact of planning on breastfeeding. If we are in Walmart or something, I am not going to hesitate to say things like, "Mommy's here, baby, it's ok." They seemed to take it really well.
 
Planning on breastfeeding in Walmart already? I can see you are thinking this through carefully - considering the really important things one needs to provide for a child. Of course, one can find most of that stuff in Walmart. No need to pay a membership fee to join a wholesale club. You can just shop at Walmart for free.
 
So do they accept that since the child is yours, they will either have to come out to their family, or you will keep the actual paternity of your child from these members of the family?

Since she is infertile and 46, no one will be fooled that she is the biological mother, especially if you are out with them. What kind of crazy looks will you get with a child who might clearly look like you and the husband, with this other woman claiming the title 'Mummy'? It would totally mess with this kid's head too.

Be Mummy. If she wants to be Ema, Tante, Aunty or any other title, that is fine, but you are the mother! Everyone and everyone's Uncle Bob better know that. There should not be any care about them taking it 'really well' that is a bloomin' fact!!!

I still think you are being hopelessly naive about the effect motherhood will have on you. Trust me, if she tries to claim maternity over this baby you will be near homicidal. I say that as the mother of an infant.
 
It sounds like it could be a very unhealthy situation in which to raise a child. She may have had the best intentions, and may be seriously only thinking about the very real situation of raising a child in a poly household. Good intentions will pave a road straight to hell if she isn't smart enough to care about how that would affect you or the child.

But to be honest, the main problems facing poly childrearing these days is shielding them from affliction courtesy of society and enforced beliefs.

Besides parenting, the legal challenges that will be faced present complicated problems. But they are problems that can and will be dealt with. The greatest distinction, if shit hits the fan, by that I mean it does not have to be a distinction that is apparent unless there are problems, but there is a difference between biological parents and non-biological, poly-step-like parents, or whatever you wish to call any other parental figure who is neither of the two biological parents.

So unless you are planning on willfully surrendering your parental rights to your SO's spouse, it sounds like a fucked-up thing to do, if you aren't OK with it.

These sorts of complications, especially the legal ones, are exactly why poly families will not have their withheld Constitutional rights granted and protected until the tail-end of dispensation, as opposed to the beginning.

The worst part is, each of us, as people, would know beyond any reasonable doubt what the right thing to do is if we practiced with honesty. It is the failure to be honest when we are hurt, or being practiced at lying to ourselves, that we justify our actions to be the right thing to do, which of course does not make it true in reality, no matter how much we believe it.

Very, very rarely would the courts of law even be needed if people were practiced and fluent with honesty. Most, if not all, of the controversy and grey areas that fill the news of the legal world would be distinctly black and white if all parties involved refrained from exaggerating and justifying their dishonest behavior.
 
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It sounds like you talked about the Mommy name, and who is going to get it if you birth a new baby -- YOU.

What about other questions? Did you get a chance to cover those?

How supportive is each person's family of origin (yours, his, hers) right now of your polyamory? How supportive is each group of a new baby joining the family?

Have you discussed not cohabitating if you choose to move forward with TTC, being neighbors, if you like, but at the end of the day people have their own spaces?

Have you discussed how this will break up, if you need to, POST baby?
 
Well, she and I were talking, and she said we needed to sit down and discuss how things would be if there were to be an end of our relationship. Personally, I said I feel like we would need to devise a co-parenting plan, as I can't fully walk away from a child that I gave birth to. My mom completely abandoned us as children and it's not something I could ever do.
 
I will admit when I first read this thread I thought you were this same kitten http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=48583 and my impression was formed before I went back to check.

I know this is rude, but please don't have a child with these people. If you do, find a lawyer.


kittenkittykat said:
Well, all was well and good until the wife said, "I will be Mommy, and you will be Emaw," as per what the child they have together calls me.
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She asked if she could pass my newborn off to family as hers.
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As far as her having more children, that isn't a possibility, given that she's 46 and has had a hysterectomy.
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She said we need to sit down and discuss how things would be if there were to be an end of our relationship.
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From what you've told us, does it really sound like they plan on keeping you involved once you give them another baby?
 
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kittenkittykat said:
She said we need to sit down and discuss how things would be if there were to be an end of our relationship. Personally, I said I feel like we would need to devise a co-parenting plan, as I can't fully walk away from a child that I gave birth to. My mom completely abandoned us as children and it's not something I could ever do.
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Surely the baby would be yours and the husband's? I think the fact that it is all being arranged around her pretty much confirms she sees you as the baby maker. She wants the baby and they probably don't want you. Please don't try for a baby with these people. It will cause ALL sorts of hell for you. :(
 
kittenkittykat said:
She said we need to sit down and discuss how things would be if there were to be an end of our relationship. Personally, I said I feel like we would need to devise a co-parenting plan, as I can't fully walk away from a child that I gave birth to.
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Why is this even being discussed among the baby-planning? This isn't your typical "Let's goosh about the baby's future" conversation many prospective parents have.

I agree with the others. This is a huge red flag. It sounds like she's trying to plan for a future with the baby and without you. I wouldn't even make it sound like you could partially walk away from your own child. It seems like she's grabbing for what she can.
 
Coparenting plans are fine and good on paper. But they could just decide to keep the baby and not return it, forcing you through a nasty expensive custody battle, where they could smear your character, name, and destroy you financially. Not to mention the mental mind fuck this woman will put your child through in her care.
 
Dagferi said:
Coparenting plans are fine and good on paper, but they could just decide to keep the baby and not return it, forcing you through a nasty expensive custody battle. where they could smear your character, name, and destroy you financially.
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You'd be the single woman who they were good enough to provide with a home, where the husband, in a moment of weakness, had an "affair" with you, but he is repentant now, and he and his loyal wife want desperately to provide a home with two parents for this little baby. I don't know where you live, but with a conservative-minded judge, this is all too possible a reality.
 
She said we need to sit down and discuss how things would be if there were to be an end of our relationship. Personally, I said I feel like we would need to devise a coparenting plan, as I can't fully walk away from a child that I gave birth to.
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GOOD. Talk it out before there is a pregnancy. Get your lines in the sand out there.

And now that you are finding even more reasons why you have differing viewpoints, maybe that means you do not have a baby with this partner, within this family structure.
 
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How long have you been in this relationship with them? At least a year together, I hope. This incident seems to reveal some very alarming deeper issues. I would be extremely cautious about bringing a new human being into the world if you are going to stay in this situation. I certainly wouldn't, if I were you, unless you all are completely "out" to everyone and all three families. Secrecy really fucks kids up.
 
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This is not right

Please listen to what everyone else is saying here.

I am in a triad, and we are currently trying to conceive a baby. It is my girlfriend who will carry the child and there is no way I would ever ask her to pretend the child was biologically mine. That is unreasonable!!

Our current child (biologically mine) is parented equally by all 3 of us. We all love her and consider her our daughter. She sometimes calls my girlfriend by a different name for Mommy, but she often calls her Mommy too. It doesn't really matter to me. I am still her mom and so is my girlfriend.

I fear you are being used in this situation. We have a lawyer and have tried to protect ourselves legally going forward. I suggest your family does the same before moving forward with a plan for a baby.
 
In the state we live in, since he and are not legally married, I would have custody by default. Secondly, we have been together for quite some time, going on two yrs. We wanted to wait til I was ready for a child and things. We do all live together now, but that is a very recent development.

Anyway, my family is not supportive of poly. He only has relationships with select family members, as does she. They would however totally have my back if something happened and I needed to leave with a child.

She has openly admitted to being a control freak. We are working it out.
 
Which state is that, btw?

A control freak doesn't necessarily try to take your child. Try to interfere with how you raise it, yes, but tell you that "She will be Mummy"? That is waaaay beyond being a control freak.

Just please wait, get it all in writing, see a lawyer and then wait some more.
 
Even better: if you want a kid so bad, get another source of XY chromosome DNA to fertilize your oocytes.
 
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