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lisa6

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Over Memorial Day went away with husband, gf and both our families..it was a preplanned trip.

We had lots of fun and stress too with all the kids..

I can honestly say as I watched gf she is not the same person I have known..she is very moody and looks stressed and depressed.. which may be factors in our relationship..she had to get a job do to divorce and is struggling hard financially, she has also had to get off meds for depression cause she can't afford it and recently her daughter and grandson moved out.. I think this all has her in a downward spiral..

We did find about 1 hr to be alone for some intamcy..but unfortunately right before the kids did something to annoy her so wasn't the best timing..

She did ask us to invite her and the kids over for a BBQ this week..

I am cancelling the night I had booked at resort..

I plan to take a step back and give her some space and see what happens..

In meantime feeling a little broken hearted and missing her.
 
lisa6 said:
she had to get a job do to divorce and is struggling hard financially, she has also had to get off meds for depression cause she can't afford it and recently her daughter and grandson moved out.. I think this all has her in a downward spiral...
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I don't know how serious your relationship is, so I don't know if this suggestion is suitable for you.

Striking it out on your own is a very traumatic time for people. Women in general tend to have it rougher economically as well as emotionally. I have helped a lot of women exit abusive marriages, and if there is one common factor I have found, it is one of money. Short of very well off couples, a divorce or separation always brings up the question of money to the point of financial viability of managing own existence.

My recommendation to all supporters is always to offer money. Not loans. Gifts. Small amounts from multiple people every month that can be counted on are more reassuring than one big amount. Also if a few people forget, the budget gets tighter, but doesn't collapse. With time, people drop out of such a commitment, but it happens at various times with various people, so the support money gets "weaned" off.

If she matters enough to you, it is something to consider. Speak with her and if she is willing to accept assistance, create a small group of well wishers who will contribute to her monthly budget every month till she is back on her feet. Suggest that if she is well off enough to have surplus funds, she can pay it forward to someone who needs it. That way, she is not obliged to "prove" herself by working hard to return it.

I would recommend against supporting her on your own, because it becomes too big a favor to owe someone to be overlooked and in addition to your romantic relationship, goes beyond the "gift" that can be accepted without expecting to return anything. That said, if you cannot round up enough well-wishers, you could still consider doing it without making the amount overwhelmingly large that makes her feel indebted.

If you have a very serious relationship with her, you could consider spending some time at her home every month and "contributing to expenses" as your "fair share".
 
Hi!

Thankyou..

Currently we occasionally pay her groceries, phone bill or prescriptions when we can.. We also buy dinner for her and her kids once to twice a week..

She never asks for anything we do this on our own.

My husband is in process of opening up his own company. We plan on putting her on the health insurance she has none at the moment..
 
Money gives power of choice. What she thinks is a priority to spend it on. Being able to count on a certain amount every month brings peace of mind in ways expenses picked up by someone else at their discretion cannot - not to deny that it isn't very helpful anyway. Please do consider my suggestion. It has helped a lot of women make it on their own.

It allows people to invest into a future like they actually had the bigger income they need rather than make do with no game plan because they don't know what bills will get picked up and what needs to be provisioned for, or maybe their "plan" for stability needs something else paid for more urgently than what is being paid for as help. And the money never actually is in their hand for them to rely on it. It is also a lot psychological.

When I initially moved out, I had accepted such financial help. Every month, I lived frugally and put some money aside. I was able to create a small fund for emergencies. Another time I was able to use surplus from a few months to buy specific equipment to help the Kid with his mobility issues. These aren't bills that can be picked, but the ability to plan for longer than month to month survival and start thinking sustainability.
 
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I think I'd hold up on adding gf to your hubby's group policy (unless she works for him), or giving her regular gifts of money. You already have some resentments towards gf related to time, money will just complicate that. Very rare is the person who can give (or receive) money regularly, without expectations creeping in. Last thing you need is for gf to feel trapped in the relationship because she's relying on you for financial support or health insurance. You do not want to create a financial/power imbalance in the relationship. Encouraging her, being her cheerleader, and helping her find ways to improve her situation are better ways to help, imho.
 
Hi..

Thanks everyone for the advice..

Husband thinks he may have a job for her within his company in about 2 weekend.. it would be a job that is in her chosen field.. he can offer her twice her salary and health insurance and also allow her to work from home so she can be with the kids..

So this would not be a gift or her borrowing money. She would have a job and earn the money she makes.
 
lisa6 said:
Hi..

Thanks everyone for the advice..

Husband thinks he may have a job for her within his company in about 2 weekend.. it would be a job that is in her chosen field.. he can offer her twice her salary and health insurance and also allow her to work from home so she can be with the kids..

So this would not be a gift or her borrowing money. She would have a job and earn the money she makes.
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That sounds fantastic!
 
Hi!

Yes I am really excited. This would solve a lot of her problems and really alleviate her stress load..

And husband and I have talked and if he is able to hire her- he will keep her on as an employee regardless of wether we are dating or not. In other words if we break up at some point she will absolutely have a job still.. her job will not depend on the status of our relationship..
 
Hi lisa6,

It seems to me really good that you are offering your girlfriend a job. I hope you are able to follow through, it sounds like it's not yet 100% decided. I have to have sympathy for your girlfriend, she is obviously going through a lot right now. I hope things get better.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks..

Me too..

What concerns me most is her mood swings..she appears very moody and depressed..she was on medication and I can tell there is a huge personality switch since she has been off..

Mostly she just yells and bitches at everyone.. she used to smile a lot more.. makes me sad..
 
lisa6 said:
What concerns me most is her mood swings..she appears very moody and depressed..she was on medication and I can tell there is a huge personality switch since she has been off..

Mostly she just yells and bitches at everyone.. she used to smile a lot more.. makes me sad..
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Some kinds of meds can be absolutely necessary for normal functioning. Has she been taken off meds or has discontinued for financial reasons? It may be necessary to support her and help her realize the importance of taking them on time. Maybe get a promise from her to take them and give a call on time to remind her - and make it clear that her changed behavior itself will give away if she skips.
 
Hi..

She took her self off the meds because she lost health insurance after the divorce and can't afford them..

I have known her for 12 years and can see a very negative personality change since she got off meds in Jan..

Not sure how to approach subject

Hopefully my hubby will have a job for her and than she can get in health insurance and restart her meds.
 
My mom has schizophrenia and a couple of days without meds and she becomes.... odd. She creates strange meanings out of real or fictional happenings, suspects people, is always bewildered or sometimes aggressive. It doesn't subside till she takes her meds again. Once she is back on the meds, she often doesn't remember her bizarre behavior at all. She doesn't believe us if we tell her she did all that. She has no answer to the missing days from her memory.

When she forgot once too often, I made a looooong video of her just rambling on and on about complete nonsense, hair wild, clothes in disarray, unrelated and incoherent replies to even basic questions.

When she was back on her meds, I showed her the video and asked her if she remembered doing all that. She didn't. But the video was proof that we weren't just scaring her with a bogeyman to make her take meds she thought she didn't really need. Once that knowledge sank in, I sort of repeated it in another way. "Do you remember what you were doing on Monday?" She didn't. I told her the video was from Monday. I had made sure to capture the date and time on my phone. I told her she had a choice. She could lose large chunks of her life to this rambling insanity or she could take a few pills a day and get on with life.

She hasn't missed taking her meds since.

I don't know if your gf's behavior is observably different the way my mom's was, but some way of giving her proof - maybe videos from early celebrations where she is cheerful and friendly while on meds and then asking her when she remembers being like this last and helping her draw the corelations with the meds.....?

I'm just guessing. But I find that many patients on meds for mental health issues don't really believe they need them - after all, there isn't a visible problem like fever, fracture, rash...
 
If she already knows about the job your husband has lined up for her, it could be an incentive - to get mentally fit and ready with the energy and positivity her new role is going to need from her.
 
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