What's my problem? Not wanting to hear some metamour details

G

gorgeouskitten

New member
Hi all. This is only my third post. I'm hoping I can get some feedback, advice, or just people who've been there.

I'm married to a super guy. I also have a boyfriend who was poly before me, but it turns out (since I'm his first relationship) his spouse isn't as on board as I thought she was going to be.

I've been listening to him talk about arguments with her, and being supportive, and that's ok. But then today he was commenting on wanting time to cuddle her without her talking to her other partner, and the things he doesn't want to lose in their relationship, and it bothered me.

I can't even really put my finger on it. Am I being overly sensitive?

I don't mind hearing about sex, or their plans, but these were intimate details that made me feel like he was talking to a buddy instead of his girlfriend. With my spouse, I can talk him through how to get a date with a girl, if it seems like she's into him, etc., but talking with my bf about his marriage is striking a different chord.

Any comments? Advice? I'm happy to provide further info.

Edit: the more I think about it, I guess part of what's bugging me is that for a while he seemed really into me, and us, and wasn't worried about his spouse (not that he didn't care, just wasn't worried), but now it seems like he is so worried about them that I'm just not that important. He said the other day that if I didn't want to be with him, he'd still love me, but he'd want me to be happy and move on. I guess I wanted him to declare how badly he wants me to stay instead, which is maybe unfair and less mature.
 
Last edited:
Dude, I've been having similar issues, myself. What I've isolated is that whilst he is with her and she wants monogamy, it's going to make me feel rocky. Just because she has laid out a monogamous relationship with her as an option. Something I couldn't offer him and if he took that option with her, it would exclude me. However, I posted a thread on here in which Marcus helped immensely, but I thought about what is going on a bit more logically. Sadly, her desire for him to be monogamous is killing his love for her. I can tell that by what he says. That might not be relevant for you though. But I'm as sure as I can be that he doesn't want to be monogamous with anyone, and that alleviates some of my concerns.
 
Last edited:
If hearing about his personal problems with his wife feels uncomfortable to you, it feels uncomfortable.

As for guessing why it makes you uncomfortable (really, only you know)-- what is your need from BF? You could take a need inventory to see if that helps you articulate it to yourself.

Is it that you are ok hearing him talk about wife problems because you know your own place in his life is secure? But then hearing how much he wants connection with her is perceived as "going toward her and away from me," so that's putting you on shaky ground emotionally? You don't like talking about emotional subjects or emotional intimacy? Or is it something else? I could be guessing wrong.

These were intimate details that made me feel like he were talking to a buddy instead of his girlfriend.
Click to expand...

Is a GF not also a friend? :confused: Or is it that you are a relatively new GF and this is getting too heavy, too fast?
 
Last edited:
London, thanks for calling me dude. I love that. I dude all the time. lol.

Anyway, not quite the same, but I totally hear you. She is poly. She has had more partners than he has, but I'm his first and I get the impression she isn't dealing well with that.

Gala, well, I was his friend long before his I was girlfriend. I'm used to listening. I just feel like he shouldn't take advantage of the fact that I'll listen. I dunno. I'm confusing myself on this one!

I think you're right. I didn't like hearing about the emotional intimacy, because it felt like he was moving more towards her. I don't feel particularly secure in our relationship, because I feel like she isn't actually OK with it, and he is going to do what he can to please her, potentially to my detriment.

Do I just need to calm the F down?
 
I don't feel particularly secure in our relationship because I feel like she isn't actually OK with it, and he is going to do what he can to please her, potentially to my detriment.
Click to expand...

Well, there ya go. You nailed it. You could ask him to reassure you that he isn't going to throw you under the bus. Then you could feel better, and be ok listening to his stuff about her without it triggering you like this.
 
I told him I worry about that, and he kind of just said nothing. He did say he thought as he improved his communication skills things would get easier. So maybe I'm overreacting. I'm kind of the anxious relationship type, and while my husband is very doting and reassuring all the time, bf isn't really like that (with me, he might be with the spouse).
 
There is nothing wrong with saying, "Please do not pull me into your marriage problems. It makes me uncomfortable." And explain why.

My bf doesn't like to hear about my marriage, because if he feels like my husband is doing something wrong, then he wants to defend me.

Plus some people just cannot carry another's security issues in a relationship. For example, I tend to overthink the small things. When we are solo my bf is very playful, flirty, touchy-feely. Not his normal persona, tbh. When my kids are along for the weekend that sort of dries up. Come to find out, he didn't know where the line was with the PDAs. He is not a man of many words, so those little small touches, etc., are important to me. If they stop, then I worry.

It is my issue, not his.
 
Dagferi, thank you! that was insightful. I know a lot of it is my own issues too. I want more flirting, more touching, more affectionate texts, etc. I need a lot, and that's not really his problem. I guess I can just ask him not to go into the spouse stuff, but I also don't want to be shutting him out, in any way.

Silly, but part of what got me on the cuddling comment was I'm going over there later to cuddle on the same couch. I know it doesn't matter. I know I like being poly, yet sometimes these little silly things get me!
 
Dagferi said:
He is not a man of many words, so the little touches are important to me. If they stop, I worry. It is my issue, not his.
Click to expand...

Good for you, Dagferi. Understanding where you end and everyone else begins is primary to being able to have a healthy relationship, imo.

gorgeouskitten said:
I know a lot of it is my own issues too. I want flirting, touching, affectionate texts... I need a lot, and that's not really his problem.
Click to expand...

It isn't his problem, but it's not unreasonable for you to think that sucks. Some people have a great ability to identify their own issues and never project these issues onto other people. The rest of us have to hope that we can identify that we are putting the burden of our feelings onto someone else before we allow our feelings to turn into action. I find that I am better at this as time goes along, and I would consider myself to be in the advanced class of personal accountability - but sometimes reality can go screw itself and I just want someone to fix my problems for me.

As long as I remember that a feeling (even one that is totally irrational) is not intrinsically bad, allowing irrational feelings to motivate my action is almost certainly going to end in pain.

gorgeouskitten said:
i guess I can just ask him not to go into the spouse stuff, but I also don't want to be shutting him out, in any way.
Click to expand...

Unfortunately, that's the risk. So if you do decide you want to curb how much information you get about his spouse, then I suggest you do some thinking before putting it into words. If you can identify exactly what it is that you don't care to hear and can express that to him, then you can decrease the chance that he will clam up entirely.

However, finding out *why* this information feels ugly to you will get you farther. Dealing with those emotions is always going to be more productive in the long term than trying to limit the information coming in. One is a solution, the other is a Band-Aid.

gorgeouskitten said:
Silly, but part of what got me on the cuddling comment was I'm going over there later to cuddle on the same couch. I know it doesn't matter, i know I like being poly, yet sometimes these things get me!
Click to expand...

That is silly, and possessive. Recognizing that is a good first step, but getting that crap out of your head is going to greatly improve your ability to relate to your partners more effortlessly. I don't know what works for you, but sometimes I will fall back on a mantra to repeat until I can get free of those emotions. "That is not mine to control," or, "It makes me happy to know that my partner is happy." It's kind of hokey, I know, but if it is a choice between being a little hokey, or damaging my relationships because I'm being immature, I'll take hokey.
 
Kitten,

FWIW, T uses me to complain about her other relationships. She's secure enough in me to know it won't push me away. I'm not sure that I like hearing about it all the time, and contrary to what you're hearing, hers is always, "I don't hear from them often enough," or "They did something that hurt my feelings," as opposed to, "I need more love from them."

Still, what gets me through it is understanding that I'd rather she come to me with intimate details of her life, than not. Maybe one day if the passion dies it will cause issues, but for now, I get both, and that's good for the long run... I think.
 
I told him I worry about that, and he kind of just said nothing.
Click to expand...

That sounds like expressing worry. It doesn't sound like you asked for reassurance. What was it, verbatim?

Don't confuse "having needs" with "being needy." Perhaps being more assertive could help you. You feel whatever it is you feel. But if you don't like how you are feeling, change your behavior, see how that feels. See if it serves you better.

You could just ask for what you want and see what happens.

If you don't want to hear about his wife stuff, you could ask him not to tell you about that. "Would you please not tell me about your wife stuff? It triggers me. Thank you."

If you want reassurance from him, you could ask him. "Would you please reassure me that you aren't going to just break up with me to please her? There would be a heads-up talk first? Would you reassure me that I will get that?"

You expressing worries as, "I am worried about _____," lets him know you are worried, but it isn't asking him to do anything to reassure you. Spell it out. Don't expect "mind-readering."

If these are things you want -- more flirting, more touching, and more affectionate texts, etc., ask. If he is willing to provide it, great. If not, great. You get to know that perhaps this person is not willing/able to meet your need and that perhaps this person is not the best match for you. That's what dating is for, to figure out the compatible ones.
 
"But then today he was commenting on wanting time to cuddle her without her talking to her other partner."

The potential issue that I see in this is that he's saying that he feels like he can't have one-on-one time with his partner without her other relationship interfering... while allowing his other relationship to interfere with his one-on-one time with you. It's one thing to mention that it's bugging him, but if it's all the time, I think it's perfectly reasonable to point out this hypocrisy to him and ask him to dial it back, and to not share super personal things.
 
Thanks for the replies, Marcus and Evad-- very helpful and insightful.

I talked with my boyfriend about how hearing him saying how he wants time with his spouse, love from her, etc., I just also want to hear he wants those from me. Funny, but one thing that had irked me that he said about her, he ended up saying about me a few days later, and helped me remember we are both important to him.
 
Gala, I just saw your other comment, and that was great, too. Thank you.

He finally got that I wanted reassurance, while I also realized I tend to be too anxious and expect an over-abundance of reassurance. He's been trying to text and talk a little more, and it's helpful.
 
I'm reviving this thread because it's relevant, and hopefully you all aren't tired of me yet. ;)

BF is still having troubles with his spouse. He is about to leave on a trip, and he has recognized that while I've been warm and attentive, she is being a little distant. He tells me about his hurt feelings with the way she is acting, but does not tell her. I'm seeing him off later today. Their last interaction was this morning, and while he feels things have smoothed over, it still sounds rocky.

I explained to him last night that I'm happy to listen, to support, to offer advice, but when my words go unheeded, and he continues to gripe to me, then do nothing about the issues, I get frustrated and a little resentful. I want him to be happy, and I want him to assert himself, which I think is something he hasn't done in a very long time. I'm encouraging him to do so. I just hope that their communication problems, and his worry about her, aren't detrimental to our relationship.

I'm not sure any of that warrants a reply, but there it is. I'm just trying to remind myself to be the best partner I can be and let them work their stuff out.

Edited: Okay, I do know what bothers me. I'm afraid he'll take my listening for granted, and I'll keep being his shoulder to cry on, while he tries to please her and ignores his needs.
 
Last edited:
I'm sorry you feel UGH right now. :(

I explained to him last night that I'm happy to listen, to support, to offer advice. But when my words go unheeded and he continues to gripe to me, then do nothing about the issues, I get frustrated and a little resentful.
Click to expand...

I see where it bugs you.

If you want to feel better, you could ask him what your job or role is here, what he expects.

In the quote above, you do not cite any boundaries or limits. If you get frustrated that you are in a hamster wheel of endless suckage, realize you could ask for clarification, and/or step off any time you choose.

When talking to him, you could be assertive and state your limits. Maybe something like--

"Am I just a safe ear for venting? If so, I can do about 5 gallons. When I'm full, I'm letting you know, and then if you still have gallons behind the dam there, you need to find someone else to vent to. I cannot hold it all on this one. If it were a 1 gallon problem, ok. But you have lots.""​
​
"Am I safe ear for venting and feedback? If so, I can do up to 5 gallons, and give some feedback, but if you aren't taking action at some point with your own choices, considering feedback from me or others, then I am withdrawing my willingness to listen and give feedback on this one. There's being a supportive GF and being sucked-dry GF. I'm not up for endless suckage. I don't need to be vampired."​

You can figure out how you want to word it. But word it and state it. Find a healthy balance for yourself. You are responsible for your own well-being. State/accept your personal limitations.

Otherwise, when it becomes endless suckage, who's going to nip it in the bud? Probably not the vampire.

It has to be you.

I see where you're encouraging him to be assertive. That applies to you as well, right? :)
 
Last edited:
Gala, you always have the best stuff to say!! I did tell him last night when I was getting full. I was like, "H, we've talked a lot about this. I understand your hurt. I've told you what I think. There is nothing else to say about it until you talk to her."

I might broach it with him again when he returns, but for today I'm super happy I get to see him off.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top