When a man wants to be my only sexual mate

[SweetSensations]

I am in a DADT with husband who no longer wants sex. I have been upfront about having 2 mates from the beginning, but had not followed through with sex with both mates. One man would only have sex with me once every 2 months, so I sought someone else who would fill in those gaps. All was great. My first mate just kind of faded into the background.

My second sexual mate has been with me for 4 months, and mostly sees me once a week when he is in town for business. When I had sex with the first mate over spring break, my second mate was feeling slightly jealous and possessive. Here is what happened when I did meet with my second mate during sex:

It seemed as if he was claiming his territory. Almost immediately, he told me to lie down. He told me he was going to show me what it was like to be wanted. Almost no prep, no foreplay, no fellatio. He put me on the corner of the mattress, entered, and started pounding.

He asked if I was okay. I'm sure I was wincing or he would not have said anything. I said, "Yes, I just need a little time to get used to you." He started saying, "This pussy is my pussy, no one else's. Tell me, baby, this is my pussy." I said "It's your pussy, Daddy." He said, "Tell me it is my pussy only. Say it." "It is your pussy only, Daddy." "No one else's?" "No, Daddy, it is no one else's, only yours." Then he said, "Do I take good care of your pussy?" "Yes, Daddy you do." "Well then, don't share my pussy with anyone else." "Okay, Daddy. It's all yours."

Then later that night I told him, "You were claiming your territory by making me say it was your pussy." He said, "Yes, I did it when you were in a very vulnerable state."

How do I regain the freedom to still have a sexual relationship with others and as little hurt as possible? What would my dialogue look like with this man only?

 

[AJ1]

He said, "Yes, I did it when you were very vulnerable state."

Can you elaborate on this? The way it is phrased makes it sounds like it was premeditated, which would be really manipulative.

 

[SweetSensations]

Can you elaborate on this? The way it is phrased makes it sounds like it was premeditated, which would be really manipulative.

I can't, as I have no details. I am sure his intention is to move in the direction of one mate. I told him I felt sore after our session. He said, "Good, you won't need another man if I keep you sore."

He has a great need to feel wanted/needed, as he also does not get sex at home.

 

[BoringGuy]

Maybe he thinks you like it rough. You should talk to him about your wants, needs, and limits.

 

[SweetSensations]

Maybe he thinks you like it rough. You should talk to him about your wants, needs, and limits.

About 45 minutes later, I am prepped and can handle rough. He was so interested in showing me good lovin,' he forgot, or his mind was in a different space. No biggie. It may be part of claiming his territory. I adore him anyway, and it won't kill me to be sore.

 

[BoringGuy]

About 45 minutes later, I am prepped and can handle rough. He was so interested in showing me good lovin,' he forgot, or his mind was in a different space. No biggie. It may be part of claiming his territory. I adore him anyway, and it won't kill me to be sore.

So he sees you as "his territory"? You're ok with that? Is there a D/s dynamic to your relationship with him? It won't "kill" you to be sore, but do you want to be sore? Some people do like being sore after sex because it reminds them of the great sex they had. But it doesn't sound like you really enjoyed yourself. It sounds like you're tolerating this treatment, but would rather have it done another way.

 

[SweetSensations]

So he sees you as "his territory"? You're ok with that? Is there a D/s dynamic to your relationship with him? It won't "kill" you to be sore, but do you want to be sore? Some people do like being sore after sex because it reminds them of the great sex they had. But it doesn't sound like you really enjoyed yourself. It sounds like you're tolerating this treatment, but would rather have it done another way.

He seems like he is claiming his territory by placing me on the corner of the bed, forgoing fellatio, or me riding him. Then once I am on the bed he started pounding and saying, "This pussy is my pussy, no one else's. Tell me this is my pussy, baby." "This pussy is yours, Daddy." "Tell me this pussy is only mine." "This pussy is only yours, Daddy."

We have a shared sensual Dom/Domme relationship. We switch, sprinkled with small amounts of pain, mostly sensual bondage, with toys for each of us.

 

[CattivaGattina]

This is how it sounds to me. If things aren't right, let me know. It sounds like he got you into pretty much a state of subspace, where you'd agree to things, and then used that to make you have this agreement that it doesn't sound like you want.

That is not a healthy relationship. My recommendation would be meet with him somewhere where you know you wouldn't be getting in bed, like a coffee house, and explain to him that you agreed only because of where he put you, and that is not a relationship dynamic you agree to. Remind him that you were already poly when he started seeing you, and if it's not something he's okay with anymore, that's fine, and you two can work towards a mutual breakup, but that he does not have the right to use a subspace-like state to try and change your dynamic.

 

[IndieSolo]

I would ask him if that was just sex play for the bedroom, or if he actually really expects you to be "only his" 24/7. In reality, you only belong to yourself. If you want other partners, his idea that you "belong" to him is farfetched and a misplaced demand. Don't put up with being dominated and treated roughly if it is not done in the way you want. What he did sounds invasive and presumptuous to me. If any sex partners of mine wants to play it rough, or get me to be a little submissive, they usually ask first and see what I'm comfortable with before actually going for it. It's supposed to be safe and consensual, with agreed-upon limits beforehand, not forced on you.

Honey, you shouldn't be that desperate for sex to just let any guy do whatever the hell he wants with you!

I didn't have sex with my husband for over three years and wanted it very, very, very badly when we split up -- but when I started dating, I knew I was still in charge of who does what and how! D/s is supposed to be for the sub's benefit, and it doesn't sound like you benefited at all. He does not seem like someone who would be healthy, sane, respectful, or safe for you to get involved with. And your posts about it make you sound like a deer caught in the headlights. You better snap out of it fast, or you'll get run over!

 

[AnnabelMore]

You asked how a dialogue with this man might look:

You: I want to talk about what happened when we had sex the other day. It seems to me like you were using that encounter to tell me that you wanted to be my only lover. Is that, in fact, what you want?
Him: Yes/maybe.
You: Okay. I hear you and I respect you, but that's not what I want. In the moment, I said yes to the idea of being just yours, because, as you pointed out, I was in a very vulnerable state. However, you deserve to know that I don't intend to hold to that. I prefer to make decisions rationally, like this here now, not in the heat of the moment, during actual sex. So if you want to make decisions about our relationship together in the future, please talk to me like this. I'm going to have other lovers if it feels right, because that's what I think is best for me, and I would encourage you to do the same. Knowing that, do you still want to continue our relationship?

 

[SchrodingersCat]

What would my dialogue look like with this man?

I can't answer for you, but my dialogue with this man would look like:

"Make sure the door hits you on the way out."

Just because someone is in a D/s relationship doesn't mean "anything goes!" Do you have an arrangement that includes him possessing your body? Does skipping foreplay fall into your predefined limits and negotiations?

Putting someone in a vulnerable state and then pressuring them to make agreements is abusive behaviour, D/s or not. The time to make agreements and discuss boundaries is when everyone is fully clothed, on equal footing, and feeling confident and free to speak their mind... not when you're wanting gratification and you'll say anything to get it. Agreements made under duress don't hold any weight in court, and they sure as shit don't hold any weight in any relationships I'd participate in.

 

[SweetSensations]

I would ask him if that was just sex play for the bedroom or if he actually really expects you to be "only his" for 24/7. In reality, you only belong to you, and if you want other partners, his idea that you belong to him is farfetched and a misplaced demand.

This is how it sounds to me, if things aren't right let me know.
That is not a healthy relationship. My recommendation would be meet with him somewhere where you know you wouldn't be getting back in bed, like a coffee house, and explain to him that you agreed only because of where he put you and that is not a relationship dynamic you agree to.

You asked how a dialogue with this man might look:

You: I want to talk about what happened when we had sex the other day. It seems to me like you were using that encounter to tell me that you wanted to be my only lover. Is that, in fact, what you want?
Him: Yes/maybe.
You: Ok. I hear you and I respect you, but that's not what I want. In the moment, I said yes to the idea of being just yours, because, as you pointed out, I was in a very vulnerable state. However, you deserve to know that I don't intend to hold to that. I prefer to make decisions rationally, like this, not in the heat of the moment, so if you want to make decisions about our relationship together in the future please talk to me like this. I'm going to have other lovers if it feels right, because that's what I think is best for me, and I would encourage you to do the same. Knowing that, do you still want to continue our relationship?

I can't answer for you, but my dialogue with this man would look like:

Just because someone is in a D/s relationship doesn't mean anything goes. Do you have an arrangement that includes him possessing your body? Does skipping foreplay fall into your predefined limits and negotiations?

Putting someone in a vulnerable state and then pressuring them to make agreements is abusive behaviour, D/s or not. The time to make agreements and discuss boundaries is when everyone is fully clothed, on equal footing, and feeling confident and free to speak their mind... not when you're wanting gratification and you'll say anything to get it.

I liked what all of you contributed. I will take steps to empower myself. (I edited your comments to the most important pieces.) I will use this exact dialogue.

I am very grateful for your responses. Thank you for taking the time to respond. I will report back next Wed. with an update. Thanks again.

 

[CattivaGattina]

Thank you for letting us know when to expect an update.

 

[nancyfore]

I can't answer for you, but my dialogue with this man would look like:

"Make sure the door hits you on the way out."

Just because someone is in a D/s relationship doesn't mean anything goes. Do you have an arrangement that includes him possessing your body? Does skipping foreplay fall into your predefined limits and negotiations?

Putting someone in a vulnerable state and then pressuring them to make agreements is abusive behaviour, D/s or not. The time to make agreements and discuss boundaries is when everyone is fully clothed, on equal footing, and feeling confident and free to speak their mind... not when you're wanting gratification and you'll say anything to get it. Agreements made under duress don't hold any weight in court, and they sure as shit don't hold any weight in any relationships I'd participate in.

Totally agree!!!

I read it almost like you were forced into something you weren't comfortable with. I was alarmed in reading it, quite frankly. You should empower yourself, most definitely.

 

[SweetSensations]

Update: I wrote a letter to my sexual mate

When we were making love, again he said, "Do I take care of your pussy?" I said, "Yes, love, you do. Thank you for taking care of me. It feels good."

He just continued and said nothing else.

I am guessing if he ignores it, it may go away in his mind. He never responded to my letter.

Here is the finished version of my letter:
"Good night, lovey. Enjoy your weekend. Hope you get time off every weekend ... the whole weekend.
My mentor said at some point I need to talk to you about me going in the direction of two relationships, even if my second is only seen every blue moon. I will be mostly exclusive, but keep the relationship open to other men. I read this in the forum quote, "Growing into a sense of security with each other over time, realizing that the existence of other relationships for each other didn't change how you and I are together or love one another."