When do you decide if it's love or NRE?

Vicki82

Active member
I'm just curious to hear people's takes on this; I know we all process differently.

With a budding relationship, how do you decide whether it's just the rose coloured glasses, or if it's love? Is it time? Specific things?

I'm just trying to shake out my own thoughts after a good conversation with my ex girlfriend (I hate that English doesn't have a word for ex partners we are still friendly with- people assume ex means bad, and friend doesn't give the nod to the romance we once shared).
 
This is something I have pondered a lot too. I don’t even really remember NRE with my husband, but I definitely felt it with my boyfriend. We have been together over a year and when we were talking last night about whether our relationship is healthy or not (we are possibly going to part ways), he said, “one thing that I noticed is that I never got past NRE with you. Like, it’s supposed to be over after like 6 months or so, right? But the intensity has just never faded. I love you more and more and more. Is that normal? I feel like I should have settled into something more stable by now.”

So I don’t know about specific signs that it has transitioned into a more stable type of love, but there is definitely a certain desperation and anxiety that comes with NRE that, perhaps, shouldn’t go on for too long (like I said, we might be breaking up).
 
I tend to feel like NRE can vary in intensity over time; I was past the first mad blush of it with RacingSnail (the part where I actually had trouble sleeping and was full of pleasantly obsessive thoughts) after about a month, but I have certainly had periods of over-the-top love since then. It’s definitely done now (after almost two years) but I credit the shift to us dealing with difficult stuff together. Meeting trials of some kind side by side changes things. For MonkeyMan and me, that happened when his dad died. With RacingSnail, it’s been learning to navigate his depression.

Side note—I totally get what you mean about the gap in our vocabulary! I call MightyCupcake my exGF/BFF... but what a mouthful!
 
For me, probably a year is a reasonable baseline, although I’ve only had 3 relationships go that long and the first - Knight - I have a hard time remembering because that was 20 years ago and it’s hard to remember how I felt at 17. It’s definitely a gradual taper though - and I’m _really_ cautious about NRE in general so I may blame it longer than I should.

And Ms. Emotional? I think you and Ponytail might want to do a little reading about limerence - between the general instability of your relationship - you’ve had a lot, a LOT of things happen in two years, magnified by your kink relationship (not judging, am kinky myself, just pointing out the power there), Ponytail’s statement sounds like he’s veered into that and not just maintaining NRE.
 
I still have that your heart skips a beat and or you grin stupidly when you think of them type love with both my husbands.

I have been with Butch 17 years and Murf 6 and a half.
 
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And Ms. Emotional? I think you and Ponytail might want to do a little reading about limerence - between the general instability of your relationship - you’ve had a lot, a LOT of things happen in two years, magnified by your kink relationship (not judging, am kinky myself, just pointing out the power there), Ponytail’s statement sounds like he’s veered into that and not just maintaining NRE.

Thanks, I will. I had always thought of limerence as pre-relationship NRE — like the crush that you feel before actually telling someone you “like-like” them. Sounds like I might have the wrong idea about that concept if it is something that can develop during a relationship.

ETA: Holy crap. You’re right about limerence. I just read the Wikipedia article and it is spot on....�� Sounds like a disaster
 
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When you know that person, I guess? When it's more real-life interaction then fantasy, when there's little pretense and when you've been through at least one crisis or fight.
 
Thanks, I will. I had always thought of limerence as pre-relationship NRE — like the crush that you feel before actually telling someone you “like-like” them. Sounds like I might have the wrong idea about that concept if it is something that can develop during a relationship.

ETA: Holy crap. You’re right about limerence. I just read the Wikipedia article and it is spot on....�� Sounds like a disaster

It can be both before and after a relationship - or even during if the object of one's limerence is less available than one wants or perceived to be unavailable due to outside circumstances. Which I think poly lends itself to in a lot of ways - it's something I did a lot of reading about in the aftermath of HipsterBoy, though I can't find the best article about it I read at the time. But there's a reason that the archetype of "starcrossed lovers" resonates so VERY strongly throughout pretty much all cultures, y'know? the very obstacles make the emotions seem stronger.
 
Yeah, in most of my long-term relationships the NRE phase lasted somewhere between six months to eighteen months or so, then slowly settled into a calmer, more "mature" love.

With Jester, my NRE lasted way longer and at times veered into that almost-disturbing "limerence" category you mentioned, icesong. I now realise this was due to a disparity of intense feelings when his NRE (for me) abruptly ended, yet mine hadn't faded at all! The less Jester seemed to crave my attention 24/7, the more I yearned for him.

It felt almost like grief mingled with the desperation of unrequited love - even though the love WAS and IS requited, just not quite in the same way. I wanted things "back the way they were" because I really really wasn't ready for that magical feeling to end. Thankfully, we're on a more even keel now.

I should add that, in the above circumstance, the reason for the sudden lessening of J's intense desire was due to him relapsing, which I didn't know at the time, hence the pain and confusion I felt.

I do agree that, in general, NRE tends to wear off over time... and only after a relationship has been through a few different phases or "testing" life experiences. That is one reason it sometimes lasts longer for those in LDR... because you don't physically share the mundane aspects of daily life until you've spent extended periods of time together.
 
It can be both before and after a relationship - or even during if the object of one's limerence is less available than one wants or perceived to be unavailable due to outside circumstances. Which I think poly lends itself to in a lot of ways - it's something I did a lot of reading about in the aftermath of HipsterBoy, though I can't find the best article about it I read at the time. But there's a reason that the archetype of "starcrossed lovers" resonates so VERY strongly throughout pretty much all cultures, y'know? the very obstacles make the emotions seem stronger.

Yes. Actually when I originally wrote "Seems like a disaster" I had gone on to explain the same thing -- specifically that it seems like a disaster especially for people practicing polyamory, because there will always be (perceived or real) obstacles to "spending every moment together." Those obstacles could be distance, other metamours, responsibilities associated with separate households/families, feelings of jealousy/possessiveness around other partners, challenges to negotiation, etc.

Fuck. I'm really screwed, aren't I?

Sorry Vicki. This is about NRE and not limerence or my personal shit. I'll stop hijacking your post!
 
I hate that English doesn't have a word for ex partners we are still friendly with- people assume ex means bad, and friend doesn't give the nod to the romance we once shared.

Everyone is an "ex" so I am perplexed as to why that term has such a negative association. My former husband is one of my dearest friends. I'm still trying to find a term that accurately reflects my affection for him.
 
Hi Vicki,

It seems to me that NRE and love have a crossover period. That is, there is a time when it is both love *and* NRE. One grows while the other diminishes. So it's not like there's one moment where, before that it was NRE, then after that it was love. Just a thought.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I don't really see a difference. If there is no love there is no nre for me.

This is interesting. So you don't experience NRE early in a relationship when you're still getting to know someone? Or do you call that love, too?

I'm not sure if we're arguing concepts or definitions and want to make sure I'm following.
 
Everyone is an "ex" so I am perplexed as to why that term has such a negative association. My former husband is one of my dearest friends. I'm still trying to find a term that accurately reflects my affection for him.


The vanilla community in particular seems to have a very negative perception of the term "ex". Generally, the kill it with flame type. I remember when I went to pick up a game for my ex boyfriend at his request, they asked me who I was since my name wasn't on the pickup slip and I said I was his ex girlfriend, and suddenly they seemed a lot less happy about giving it to me and actually called him to make sure it was okay. Ex generally means drama.

My ex husband is most definitely in the kill it with fire category. My first few secondary relationships went down in flames too, but it definitely wasn't just on my end. I'm still good friends with my ex girlfriend and most recent ex boyfriend- they're very important people in my life and I still love them dearly, we just aren't romantic or sexual together anymore. I wish we had a word that could cover that without the long explanation.
 
Hi Vicki,

It seems to me that NRE and love have a crossover period. That is, there is a time when it is both love *and* NRE. One grows while the other diminishes. So it's not like there's one moment where, before that it was NRE, then after that it was love. Just a thought.

Regards,
Kevin T.

I suspect you are right, Kevin. I'm just not sure where the crossover begins! My ex girlfriend is encouraging me to tell Charles that I love him, since those words are starting to go through my head. I feel like it is too early to really be love. We've only been dating for two months, seeing each other twice a week for about 5-6 hours at a time with no overnights or anything. It feels like it can't be love yet.

It's getting harder not to blurt it out though. I don't do the filter very well. And when we're together, I say that I love things. Or I love what he's doing in bed. One of these days I'm gonna screw up and just say it by accident lol. But I don't want to say it unless I really mean it.
 
Who knows, maybe when you say it by accident, that's when the crossover begins. ;)
 
This is interesting. So you don't experience NRE early in a relationship when you're still getting to know someone? Or do you call that love, too?

I'm not sure if we're arguing concepts or definitions and want to make sure I'm following.

I am probably more likely to feel that in a D/s relationship. Is Dom space a form of NRE?

In a vanilla relationship, I feel a sense of excitement at the prospect of love. But there is a point where I might begin falling in love. That is when the NRE starts for me. That is usually farther down the line than a few dates for me.
 
I am probably more likely to feel that in a D/s relationship. Is Dom space a form of NRE?

In a vanilla relationship, I feel a sense of excitement at the prospect of love. But there is a point where I might begin falling in love. That is when the NRE starts for me. That is usually farther down the line than a few dates for me.

Hmm. I certainly consider Dom space to increase all those feel good chemicals. With my husband, I literally could not think of anything else in the early stages because the feels were so overwhelming. I fell for him pretty quickly.
 
Everyone is an "ex" so I am perplexed as to why that term has such a negative association. My former husband is one of my dearest friends. I'm still trying to find a term that accurately reflects my affection for him.

I know of someone who used the term “was-band” for a husband-turned-friend.
 
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