When do you define the poly relationship?

franchescasc

franchescasc

New member
To catch up on my story, here's my intro:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=40446

So, where we are now.... All is well on the front with my husband FJ & I. We are in a really good place of understanding and connection.

But (there's always a but, isn't there?) my gf MD is a mystery. She knows exactly where I'm at, and how I feel about her, and how FJ feels about us. What I don't know is how she feels about all of this. I'm unsure whether this is a relationship MD wants to pursue, or if it's just a fun thing for her that isn't too serious. Things that she's said lead me to believe she has really strong feelings for me. But I also get the feeling she feels like this is a relationship that isn't going to go anywhere else. Mostly because she keeps talking about where we live. And she's right. No one here would get it. It's a super-small town, she's lived here forever, and it would be all anyone would talk about. It certainly would hurt my reputation as a fundraiser for a big non-profit here.

I'm ok with it being a secret except for among a very few close friends. Do I try and define the relationship with her moving forward, or do I just enjoy what time and energy she can give me for now? It gets frustrating and confusing to guess what we are, if I should back off and give her space, or push the talk to set up expectations. Ugh. I am definitely leaning towards just space, and when she wants to hang out, I'll be there. But, I have only ever had a relationship with totally open communication, so it's hard to act differently. Thoughts?

Franchesca

FJ- husband of 13 years, virgins when we married, mono male
MD- gf for 4 months, probably mono, maybe poly
 
Could you just ask MD whether she considers this a serious relationship? if she wants it to go any further? Do *you* want it to go any further? What kinds of goals and expectations would you like to have in place?

Is MD a "reluctant talker," or does she like to communicate? Does she mind talking heavy personal stuff? Can you increase the amount of communication with her just a little, at least?

When do you want to define your poly relationship? Do you consider it a poly relationship? Based on what I've read so far, I would consider it a poly relationship. So maybe you can define it right away, if you want to.

Do MD and FJ have a romantic connection, or are they just friends? If, "just friends," then, you have an FFM "V" relationship. If MD and FJ have a romantic connection, then you have a triad. Either way, you can define it right away, if you want to.

Could things get serious enough with MD to consider all three of you moving to a bigger city, where you'll (probably) have more acceptance? On the other hand, maybe it's premature to assume your small town won't accept it unless/until they've had the opportunity.

These are just questions to help clarify the matters. Hope some of this helps.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Defining

Anytime I've talked about whether this was a serious relationship, she's said something about this town and how she wishes it were different. I'm just not sure if that's a reflection of how she feels about me, our relationship, or just the place we live.

I don't think I really have goals per se, just want to make sure we are on the same page and I'm not getting more invested than I should.

She both is and isn't a reluctant talker. We both lost our fathers when we were young, and we can pour our hearts out about that. We can talk about a lot of things very candidly. But she has not had healthy relationships before, and I definitely feel her hit the brakes when I try and start up the "What are we?" convo. She will talk for a little, and then change the subject. I'm just not sure if I need to press the issue or not. This is all new for both of us. I don't want to scare her. I'm farther along with thinking about/researching poly and what it means.

MD & FJ are just friends, with a deep level of mutual respect for each other. So I guess it's a FFM V. I would describe it like that. Again, sort of unsure about her view on it.

I've definitely daydreamed about it. But that wouldn't be for quite some time. And our small Southern town would absolutely not accept it. Don't get me wrong-- there would be a handful of people that would be just fine. But there are plenty that have the power and the money to cut me off, job-wise, if it came out.

She has a nasty ex to worry about, too!

--franchesca
In a FFM V (apparently)
 
Ah, it sounds like MD is the one who's reluctant to have the "relationship conversation." I wouldn't give up trying to talk to her about it, just give her a nudge now and then.

As for the town you live in, it sounds like you have three choices:

  • keep your poly relationship a secret,
  • break up with MD,
  • move out of that town.
I personally think you have a good relationship with MD so I wouldn't vote for that option. I'd vote for the other two options. There's no rush on anything, so for now you can just keep your poly relationship a secret while you figure out what to do.

You won't have enough info to know what your next move is until MD opens up a little (e.g. elaborates what she means about the "too bad about this town" saying). And you can't force MD to open up, so it looks like you're stuck giving her a verbal nudge from time to time. Perhaps you can press a little deeper as time goes on, but do so carefully, checking MD's "emotional temperature" to make sure it's not freaking her out too much.

I know it doesn't seem this way, but you're very lucky in that you have a lot of love between three people and a husband that supports you in this. Sure there are some challenges, but treasure the good, and just tackle the challenges a little at a time.

Keep us posted on how things are going.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Planning to keep nudging

Great advice, thank you! Today I can feel her pulling back. I'm resisting going after her, and just giving her some space, because I know she needs room to sort out her own feelings. But I do feel very lucky and mostly happy about this new relationship. It's damn frustrating sometimes, but worth it, if even just for the journey of self discovery.

Thanks!
 
franchescasc said:
Anytime I've talked about whether it was a serious relationship, she's said something about this town and how she wishes it were different. I'm just not sure if that's a reflection of how she feels about me, our relationship, or just the place we live.
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My interpretation, based on first impression only, is that being able to be "out and about" with your loved one is something that she considers integral to her version of a "serious relationship."

I can practically remember the exact day that my girlfriend and I had this conversation. She's the "fall fast and hard" type, likes to see her partners each and every day, if possible. I take things slower and I'm much more introverted and solitary. I'm fine with going days without seeing someone. Early on in our relationship, we had a talk about where we both saw this going. I told her I wanted something a little more casual.

At first she really struggled with that, since it's completely against her nature and every relationship she's ever had. But her husband came to our rescue and explained to her that if she came on too hard & heavy, she would scare me away. It took her a lot of processing and self-control, but she scaled it back. Now she basically thanks me for teaching her independence in relationships, so that's kinda cool.

Despite our beginnings, we've grown much more serious than my initial expectations. We're like the tortoise and the hare; I take my time, but I get there eventually.

So with that in mind, my advice is to just take it at face value for now. Just give it space to grow. After all, what's more important: the quality time you spend with her, or the label you put on that time?
 
Hi franchescasc,

I think it is wise of you to give MD some time and space to sort out her feelings. You will be able to figure out your relationship with her a little at a time.

The great mystery of life is how creatures as complicated as humans manage to have loving relationships with each other. I will always be amazed about that.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Insecurities

Well, it's apparent to me that I have a lot of hidden insecurities to work out. I've been in the same relationship with the most loving and devoted man for 18 years. I don't have to question that at all. The new relationship with MD has me questioning every word and action I say or she says. I want to grow past that. I'm glad this is forcing me to look at hard things in myself. Thanks for the encouragement!
 
SchrodingersCat said:
At first she really struggled with that, since it's completely against her nature and every relationship she's ever had. But her husband came to our rescue and explained to her that if she came in too hard & heavy, she would scare me away. It took her a lot of processing and self-control, but she scaled it back. Now she basically thanks me for teaching her independence in relationships, so that's kinda cool.
Click to expand...

I think I relate to your gf. Seriously, that is me. I am learning to scale back.

More info would be appreciated on some things that helped her scale back. I am one that likes interactions. Conversation, even if it is mundane, makes me feel like we are connected.

I haven't written a background intro on myself, which I really need to do. But in my youth, for almost half my life, I was left alone (until I met T). I can't stand to be alone, nor can I stand not to have interaction. So with that, I relate to your gf. However, I don't think I fall hard and fast. I am cautious, but I do come on hard and heavy. I am learning self-control now. Hell, I am learning a lot more about myself then I imagined I would. Right now must be a growth time.

Anyhow, thanks for posting this.
 
franchescasc said:
Well, it's apparent to me that I have a lot of hidden insecurities to work out. I've been in the same relationship with the most loving and devoted man for 18 years. I don't have to question that at all. The new relationship with MD has me questioning every word and action I say or she says. I want to grow past that. I'm glad this is forcing me to look at hard things in myself. Thanks for the encouragement!
Click to expand...

I hear ya. I am in the same boat. T and I have been together 18 years ourselves. It's a joy to have that. But I am doing the same thing. I wonder if the planets' alignment has anything to do with this? lol. It does seem like a reflection-on-self time. Hope we both can fully grow. :)
 
trixlg said:
I think I relate to your gf... I am learning to scale back. More info would be appreciated on maybe some things that helped her scale back... I am one that likes interactions. Conversations, even if mundane, make me feel like were still connected... I am cautious, but I do come in hard and heavy. I am learning self control now. Right now it must be a growth time.
Click to expand...

Well, I should point out that she hasn't turned this around entirely, just that she's learned how to have "a relationship" where she didn't have to be together all the time. She's still completely that way with her husband. But he is, too, so it works out fine for them.

And, well, medication. She's also bipolar.
 
Well, what a bummer. Sorry to hear that she has condition of bipolar.

I'm sure it works great for you all. Just hoping I can learn to scale back myself.
 
Gentle nudges

Feeling good today. Been giving MD some space & gentle nudges, and being reaffirmed about our relationship. Feels good. Still unsure of the future, but right now we are on the same page. No need to look into a crystal ball :)
 
The present is the most important moment. Glad to hear that yours is going well.
 
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