opalescent
Active member
Giggled so hard! You're my kind of person, Mags!
When do you tell new SOs?
- Thread starter baughb
- Start date
Giggled so hard! You're my kind of person, Mags!
Icewraithonyx
New member
London, there a lot of... energy coming through your posts. Obviously, some of NYCindie's choices have triggered some intense reactions. And you've expressed that, and become more determined that you will choose to behave differently yourself. Often that's all we can do. If you're going to confront everyone with whose choices you disagree, you are going to find yourself very busy, not to mention frustrated by your inability to make other people do what you want. Agree to disagree?
IndieSolo
Active member
I don't give a shit what you think is ethical non-monogamy or not, nor what you think a date is supposed to be about. My views are different. You seem to think that everything is black and white, making you right and me wrong. You forget that different approaches can all be right, to different individuals. Furthermore, I'm not justifying nor defending anything to you. It's not important to me that you get it. I just wanted to make my position clear to other posters because you keep stating such ridiculous misinterpretations of what I wrote.
But it looks like everyone else understands my perspective, even though you don't. I suppose you would need the ability to empathize to really grasp what I'm saying, and be content to just read everyone's viewpoint and contribute your own without arguing about it.
<YAWN> Oh well. You killed another thread.
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It's a forum. That's what it's here for, to debate and discuss. I wouldn't come to them if that weren't my intention. I don't care if the people on forums do the things in ways that I agree with, as long as they know my opinion of their actions.
Dagferi
Well-known member
You made your point. You discussed it. But then you beat a dead horse, London. It seems like unless everyone agrees with you they are wrong. Again, as I've asked before, who made you the internet poly police? You can agree to disagree with someone. Do I agree with NYCindie in this case? Not particularly. But it is her life and it is working for her.
gorgeouskitten
New member
Always. Right away. My husband and I never start a new relationship without telling them we are married, poly, and in my case, have a long-term BF.
PipersGirl
Member
Other info?
Something came to mind as I’ve read through this thread. Being poly/ethically non-monogamous isn’t the only issue involved in assessing the romantic potential of a date. These immediately come to mind:
Religious affiliation/faith/spiritually or lack thereof
Political affiliation
Desire to marry or never to marry
Having/not having children
So, my question to London (or anyone who wants to reply) is this: do you tell a date all of these things before you ever meet them for a date, even just coffee or a drink?
Something came to mind as I’ve read through this thread. Being poly/ethically non-monogamous isn’t the only issue involved in assessing the romantic potential of a date. These immediately come to mind:
Religious affiliation/faith/spiritually or lack thereof
Political affiliation
Desire to marry or never to marry
Having/not having children
So, my question to London (or anyone who wants to reply) is this: do you tell a date all of these things before you ever meet them for a date, even just coffee or a drink?
Marcus
Well-known member
If I meet them on OKCupid, yes, they get most of this info, because it's pretty explicit on my profile. I figure, anyone who is going to be a romantic interest should know this stuff upfront, just so I don't waste anyone's time (including my own).
In person, it's just "getting to know you," which can take an indeterminate period of time. I mean, I don't even assume to know a person's interest in me. Like, do they want to date me? Be my pal? Be a casual acquaintance?
For someone who wants to be close to me, all of the core info is important to discuss at the earliest point appropriate. My preference is, once I know there is interest on their part (and presumably my own) I want to figure out how much of this fundamental stuff we have in common as quickly as possible.
LovingRadiance
Active member
Yes, like Marcus said about OKC, all of my public profiles explicitly address all of these (and more) topics. If I meet someone new in person, these topics all come up quickly in conversation.
Caveat-- I don't consider it a "date" if it isn't intended to be a romantic or sexual pursuit, so meeting a friend or acquaintance that I already know I have no intention of having a sexual or romantic future with doesn't make it a date, to me, regardless of whether it's coffee, dinner, hiking, camping.
And yes, I do tell my current partners in advance, "not a potential" or "is a potential," before going out with someone new.
And once I decide "not a potential," that is permanent, even if sexual chemistry arises later.
Caveat-- I don't consider it a "date" if it isn't intended to be a romantic or sexual pursuit, so meeting a friend or acquaintance that I already know I have no intention of having a sexual or romantic future with doesn't make it a date, to me, regardless of whether it's coffee, dinner, hiking, camping.
And yes, I do tell my current partners in advance, "not a potential" or "is a potential," before going out with someone new.
And once I decide "not a potential," that is permanent, even if sexual chemistry arises later.
InsaneMystic
Member
Yup, this, basically.
"No marriage, no kids ever," does come up very fast for me. But I guess that's a special case for me, as it tends to run off a natural tangent of "no sex ever," which does qualify as a tell immediately. *shrug*
As for religion and politics, eh, as long as you're not a jerk about it, who thinks your opinion is The One Truth, I'm rather flexible about it. (In fact, R is an atheist; I'm very much not. And today, 24th July, happens to be our fifth happy anniversary.
) And as I doubt that "Are you an arrogant jerk-ass?" is a question that tends to get honestly answered, anyway, I'm fine with finding that out on the go (and reserving my right to drop you like a hot potato in case it turns out that yes, you are one).All in my profile. If I meet someone through other means I tell that I am poly, a Christian, a stoner, a mum, and more left than right, before we meet for 1v1 time. So yes, before coffee, even.
Am I? Are you a crossdressing, kinky howling stoner freak too? Let's fuck!
As for the central argument, to tell this or that, mono/poly status, politics, religion, need to breed, I'd say NYCindie is speaking from a different perspective than London. NYCindie might pick up a cute guy in a bar and take him home just because she's dying for a shag. Or, she might want someone to go to a groovy NYC art installation or whatever the hell those NYers do. She might not want a LTR.
OKCupid gives you the option of just wanting "casual sex, short-term dating or activity partner." None of those people might care if NYCindie is polyamorous or not.
Now, all I want is something rather serious and committed, or at least a very good FWB. So, yeah, me being polyamorous is something I'd be upfront about. I would also bring up that I am queer and a leftie. I won't date someone if they are homo-or-transphobic, or think burning the flag should be illegal, or that birth control or abortion are not options for them. I wouldn't date most Christians either.
PipersGirl
Member
Thanks for the responses. I asked the question because for most people, myself included, there is more than one potential "dealbreaker" when it comes to forming lasting or serious relationships, romantic or otherwise.
If one has a profile on a dating site, I would expect that the issues I brought up, along with being poly and many other areas, would be addressed, and if someone met you through the dating site, they would hopefully have read your profile and already know this information, either from the profile or from subsequent messages. (From the Fireplace thread on OKC messages, I know people don't always read profiles...)
I was thinking about meeting someone that's never perused your online profile, at the grocery store, for example. If I were looking to date, and I ran into a cute guy while looking at the fresh peaches, I wouldn't tell him my views on religion, politics, marriage/kids or polyamory, and I wouldn't expect him to immediately tell me his right there in the Produce department.
In fact, if a complete stranger that I had just met and lightly flirted with starting telling me all this information about himself before we even established mutual interest, I would likely back away and not want to engage any further with him.
If we met for coffee, and really hit if off, and had a great conversation, some of our views would naturally come out, and we could begin to assess our compatibility. To me, learning about the other person is part of the fun of dating.
When it specifically comes to when one should reveal that they are poly, I believe it depends on the situation. I, personally, would want to know if a potential date were married or had a serious relationship before even going out with him, but not necessarily if he had casual relationships, though I would want to know if he was having sex with other people before we were sexual. When I was dating, unless and until it was specifically stated that we were exclusive, I didn't assume I was the only person my date was dating.
For the record, I'm mono, but my partner is poly and has two other partners. He did tell me he was seeing them before we started seeing each other, partly because he had been burned by not revealing this type of info in the past, but mostly because it was clear that we were going to be sexual. We'd known each other for almost two years, and had been heavily flirting for about a month, so we both knew what was going to happen when we finally went out.
If one has a profile on a dating site, I would expect that the issues I brought up, along with being poly and many other areas, would be addressed, and if someone met you through the dating site, they would hopefully have read your profile and already know this information, either from the profile or from subsequent messages. (From the Fireplace thread on OKC messages, I know people don't always read profiles...)
I was thinking about meeting someone that's never perused your online profile, at the grocery store, for example. If I were looking to date, and I ran into a cute guy while looking at the fresh peaches, I wouldn't tell him my views on religion, politics, marriage/kids or polyamory, and I wouldn't expect him to immediately tell me his right there in the Produce department.
In fact, if a complete stranger that I had just met and lightly flirted with starting telling me all this information about himself before we even established mutual interest, I would likely back away and not want to engage any further with him.
If we met for coffee, and really hit if off, and had a great conversation, some of our views would naturally come out, and we could begin to assess our compatibility. To me, learning about the other person is part of the fun of dating.
When it specifically comes to when one should reveal that they are poly, I believe it depends on the situation. I, personally, would want to know if a potential date were married or had a serious relationship before even going out with him, but not necessarily if he had casual relationships, though I would want to know if he was having sex with other people before we were sexual. When I was dating, unless and until it was specifically stated that we were exclusive, I didn't assume I was the only person my date was dating.
For the record, I'm mono, but my partner is poly and has two other partners. He did tell me he was seeing them before we started seeing each other, partly because he had been burned by not revealing this type of info in the past, but mostly because it was clear that we were going to be sexual. We'd known each other for almost two years, and had been heavily flirting for about a month, so we both knew what was going to happen when we finally went out.
LovingRadiance
Active member
If I met someone, and they asked me if I wanted to go out for coffee, I would immediately tell them that I was poly with children, because I don't want to waste time I could be spending with people I know enjoy my time, attention and presence, on someone who can't handle it anyway.
Example: last October, I met a lady at an LGBTA conference. I was attracted to her physically the moment she stepped into the room. I was attending with my boyfriend, but he and I are not highly affectionate in public, so our relationship wasn't clear immediately. Before the end of the day, she asked for my phone number. I was thrilled. But I felt compelled to let her know I was bi and poly right then, and I am glad I did. She was lesbian and poly, which was great. We exchanged numbers, talked via email and phone, then we had a few dates. We didn't end up being involved as more than friends, but we enjoyed creating a friendship.
I don't think there is anything wrong with having coffee and deciding you even have an interest before sharing all of the details. For me, I have a busy calendar, and it is a big deal to me that anyone coming in new realizes that my time is and will be shared.
I also wouldn't go beyond a coffee or two before other dealbreakers were all out on the table, again, because I don't like to waste my time.
On the other hand, if someone is willing to just meet me where I am going to be, doing what I am going to be doing, with whom I am going to be doing it, they could spend a lot of time getting to know me. But I don't consider that a date. If they want to show up at the park on Wednesdays when I take the kids there, at the lake when we have family time at the lake, at a BBQ for friends at our house, etc., those things are options for getting to know me before I would "date" them. They allow for them getting to know me, the real me, because the real me rarely has time for one-on-one dates anyway. People who are willing to do those things in the "get to know me stage" get more time and opportunity to really get to know me over time.
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If this happened to me, exactly like this, no, I probably wouldn't tell him right there, but I would bring it up as soon as he called/texted me.
This.
InsaneMystic
Member
That's pretty much an unimaginably alien situation for me, personally. Dating strangers I've known for all of two minutes? Does that ever really happen in real life? Weirdness!
So yeah, I *might* not tell them I'm asexual and poly, in that sitch. But that's okay because they're pretty much 100% guaranteed not to get my phone number or email addy, either... there simply is no date coming, because of "WTF? I don't even know you!"
LovingRadiance
Active member
That's pretty much an unimaginably alien situation for me, personally. Dating strangers I've known for all of two minutes? Does that ever really happen in real life? Weirdness!
So yeah, I *might* not tell them I'm asexual and poly, in that sitch. But that's okay because they're pretty much 100% guaranteed not to get my phone number or email addy, either... there simply is no date coming, because of "WTF? I don't even know you!"
Ditto. I can't imagine even considering dating someone I hadn't had at least a decent conversation with. I don't randomly walk up to strangers and ask them out because they look hot. I don't accept other people doing that to me either. So if we didn't have at least one thing in common, in school together, mutual friend, mutual activity we participate in, they perused my profile already and are in a group I am in, I wouldn't be sharing my contact info with them, or meeting them for coffee, much less anything more.
I missed this yesterday.
Again, people do have some right to decide who they want to spend time with. You need to consider that someone might not want to go to a "groovy NYC art installation" with someone with whom that they are fundamentally incompatible for a romantic relationship. They could even think polyamory is soooooo wrong, they don't even want to spend time with someone who leads that lifestyle. They'd probably be jerks, but they have that right. They might want an LTR and have decided to only spend time with new people whom they haven't ruled out for that type of thing. Someone poly might be ruled out for an LTR straight away.
So will I. Just because you have random, sexual encounters that are the most casual of affairs, it doesn't mean you can't be ethically sound. I'd still tell said cute guy that I am fucking other people and/or plan to fuck other people, regardless of whether I end up marrying him. Why am I obligated to tell someone if I am married and poly, cheating and on the prowl, but not if I am poly? See, I think even if the guy is just going to stick his dick in me for a little while, I still owe him the decency of giving him information that could affect his decision about fucking me and/or his decision to call me after we fuck. He might decide someone poly is fine for a shag but nothing more. He might be decent and tell me that beforehand so I can decide whether I want to fuck him under those conditions. I don't know, I'm just a real fan of informed consent.
Again, people do have some right to decide who they want to spend time with. You need to consider that someone might not want to go to a "groovy NYC art installation" with someone with whom that they are fundamentally incompatible for a romantic relationship. They could even think polyamory is soooooo wrong, they don't even want to spend time with someone who leads that lifestyle. They'd probably be jerks, but they have that right. They might want an LTR and have decided to only spend time with new people whom they haven't ruled out for that type of thing. Someone poly might be ruled out for an LTR straight away.
PipersGirl
Member
I purposely used this example. I got the impression that some people were saying that they didn't even converse with someone without telling them they were poly before it was even established that the other person was interested in getting to know them or spend time with them.
Though, back when I was dating in my 20s, we didn't have internet dating sites (aging myself here!). You had to meet people in person without the benefit of viewing a profile or chatting over the internet first. People did meet random strangers in bars, at parks, museums, etc., and talk to them.
I haven't been to a bar or a night club in years, but I imagine that people still talk to random strangers at them, and hook up with or date them.
And this was personally the way I approached dating back in the day. I would probably approach it the same way if I were looking now, with the possible exception that if I met someone really interesting, I would probably meet them for a coffee during the day, while providing my own transportation and paying for myself. I would also sign up on dating sites. Though I hope this never happens! I've never liked dating.