ExploringTheGrapeLife
New member
Hi all!
This is my very first post. I am hoping to your collective infinite wisdom will help out with my current confusion.
Alright, I am a 26 year old bi woman. I have always been open to polyamory or openness, but have no experience with actually loving more than one person at a time.
The man I am currently in love with and I have a somewhat unique history. He and I met online just before he had to move quite far away for a job. We are very sexually compatible, so we stayed in touch. He told me at our very first date that he has a gf, they had been open from the start. That was a very new concept for me, but I was open. Him and I started a long distance thing, with me visiting him only, since his gf lived in the same city as me and when he was in town, hanging out with her was his priority. Over time my feelings became stronger, like they do when you get closer, get to know each other more etc. He tried quite hard to keep the two relationships seperate. Never really talked much about her and their relationship. What he and I had was somewhat in a gray area, since they had never put down any rules and didn't want to restrict the other's experience. But they had also never delt with something so long ongoing. 1 1/2 years in I was visiting him and she had somewhat of a breakdown and told him she couldn't deal with theh situation anymore. Me and him had some great talks and I was really sad obviously, but understanding. I didn't want her to be in pain.
a month later he proposed an affair. He said he loved his gf but wasn't ready to do without the sexual experimentation and growth he was experiencing with me. I had to think about it. I had never met her, but in the end I decided against it. I felt it would change everything. Also the relationship him and I had.
Some time later the two of them revisited the whole thing. She was quite happily dating someone and was happy to move from 'open' towards 'poly' so he took the chance and brought up his relationship with me.
So that's how we continued our relationship ( I am calling it a relationship simply because I don't know what to call it exactly and because in the end, what isn't a relationship?)
Now we've been spending more time together and have become more intimate on an emotional level. He had made me more of a priority, wants to see me more and we started going on small vecations together instead of me visiting him. Everything seemd fine, but now over christmas we all were in the same city together and her and I had talked about meeting up for coffee for the very first time. After 2 years of this strange situation I thought we were moving in the right direction, dealing with jealousy and the great unknown of this stranger. But then it all turned out differently. He stayed over at my place a view times, which is unheard off when he's in the city, and then left the city on a whim for new years to spend it with some friends. The things I overheard and that added up to them having issues or breaking up. But we didn't talk about it. I figured if they were right in the middle of it all I wasn't really the right person to talk to. But it opened up a whole load of questions in my mind. Since then we've been talking a lot, but not about this. He is eager to make plans for trips and visits.
Now this is a confusing place to be in. I am aware that I have to talk to him about it. If he doesn't bring it up I will have to. But that convo comes with a lot of fear and insecurity on my end.
If they did break up, what does this mean for us? Do we have to establish new rules? I am his primary now? He definitely seems to have extra time to go on trips and talk to me.
I also experienced new jealousy. I had somewhat gotten used to the old situation but now I am thinking of him going on new dates, seeking ou new sex parteners and I get sad.
On the other hand I am loving the freedom this relationship has given me and wouldn't want anything else. I love knowing that he's in my life while beeing free to explore anything with whoever I want.
I would love some advice and maybe some of you have had similar experiences regarding breakups in poly relationships.
Love, H
This is my very first post. I am hoping to your collective infinite wisdom will help out with my current confusion.
Alright, I am a 26 year old bi woman. I have always been open to polyamory or openness, but have no experience with actually loving more than one person at a time.
The man I am currently in love with and I have a somewhat unique history. He and I met online just before he had to move quite far away for a job. We are very sexually compatible, so we stayed in touch. He told me at our very first date that he has a gf, they had been open from the start. That was a very new concept for me, but I was open. Him and I started a long distance thing, with me visiting him only, since his gf lived in the same city as me and when he was in town, hanging out with her was his priority. Over time my feelings became stronger, like they do when you get closer, get to know each other more etc. He tried quite hard to keep the two relationships seperate. Never really talked much about her and their relationship. What he and I had was somewhat in a gray area, since they had never put down any rules and didn't want to restrict the other's experience. But they had also never delt with something so long ongoing. 1 1/2 years in I was visiting him and she had somewhat of a breakdown and told him she couldn't deal with theh situation anymore. Me and him had some great talks and I was really sad obviously, but understanding. I didn't want her to be in pain.
a month later he proposed an affair. He said he loved his gf but wasn't ready to do without the sexual experimentation and growth he was experiencing with me. I had to think about it. I had never met her, but in the end I decided against it. I felt it would change everything. Also the relationship him and I had.
Some time later the two of them revisited the whole thing. She was quite happily dating someone and was happy to move from 'open' towards 'poly' so he took the chance and brought up his relationship with me.
So that's how we continued our relationship ( I am calling it a relationship simply because I don't know what to call it exactly and because in the end, what isn't a relationship?)
Now we've been spending more time together and have become more intimate on an emotional level. He had made me more of a priority, wants to see me more and we started going on small vecations together instead of me visiting him. Everything seemd fine, but now over christmas we all were in the same city together and her and I had talked about meeting up for coffee for the very first time. After 2 years of this strange situation I thought we were moving in the right direction, dealing with jealousy and the great unknown of this stranger. But then it all turned out differently. He stayed over at my place a view times, which is unheard off when he's in the city, and then left the city on a whim for new years to spend it with some friends. The things I overheard and that added up to them having issues or breaking up. But we didn't talk about it. I figured if they were right in the middle of it all I wasn't really the right person to talk to. But it opened up a whole load of questions in my mind. Since then we've been talking a lot, but not about this. He is eager to make plans for trips and visits.
Now this is a confusing place to be in. I am aware that I have to talk to him about it. If he doesn't bring it up I will have to. But that convo comes with a lot of fear and insecurity on my end.
If they did break up, what does this mean for us? Do we have to establish new rules? I am his primary now? He definitely seems to have extra time to go on trips and talk to me.
I also experienced new jealousy. I had somewhat gotten used to the old situation but now I am thinking of him going on new dates, seeking ou new sex parteners and I get sad.
On the other hand I am loving the freedom this relationship has given me and wouldn't want anything else. I love knowing that he's in my life while beeing free to explore anything with whoever I want.
I would love some advice and maybe some of you have had similar experiences regarding breakups in poly relationships.
Love, H
