When is it appropriate to "slow down" for someone?

O

Open4love

Member
Hi all,

Lately I've been struggling with my primary partner, Karen's, consistent request for me to "slow down" every time I'm interested in another woman. Each time I'm getting excited about someone new, Karen wants me to put on the brakes and wait until she feels more comfortable. Only problem is, historically when it is on Karen's time, I'm the one that's left feeling uncomfortable and even controlled by her emotions. And until I push again for what I want, she doesn't bring it up at all.

I realize I have a choice in all of this. I can continue pursuing my attractions despite her hard feelings and make sure to hear her out and communicate as we always do. But I have difficulty determining when it is an appropriate time to slow down specifically "for her."

If it were up to me, and my partner was totally cool with my pursuits of other women, I would not feel any need to slow down on my own. I'm comfortable with the pace that I'm getting to know other women, but Karen obviously is not. I'm just stuck, as Karen withdraws more and more when I continue my attractions, and I am often met with silence or shortness when around her.

I see no good choice in all of this because the more I do what I want to do, the more she distances herself or has emotional reactions to little things. I love her, but I also need to love myself. How can I balance all of this? :confused:

Thanks in advance for any and all advice! :)
 
Sounds like Karen is not specific about what "slow down" behaviors she would like.

If she wants to hear about the new crush a week , two weeks, three weeks before you take them out... Maybe that is doable to you because it is named, specific thing that can be measured. Maybe she wants a week heads up so she can make plans to be out or something.

Or if she wants to hear LESS of the crushing lalas. That you have a crush, great. But not up for the lalas.... So share that part with your friends instead?

Could you ask Karen to give specifics? Are you also meeting her other needs or neglecting her?

Otherwise if she is asking you to postpone indefinitely with no explanation ... You could say no, with regrets, but no. You are not willing and able to deal in vague.

Galagirl
 
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It is very vague. She wants me to wait until some unknown time when she is emotionally ready to accept that I'm sleeping with other women. It's not necessarily a time thing because I schedule dates when Karen is busy with something, like work or on a date herself. I would like more specifics, and that's a good thing to ask her for.

But if she says: "I want you to wait one month before resuming your pursuit of other women." Or even one week ... I find that really hard to agree with. Especially because it is her own issues to work out, and I can't be responsible for postponing things until she feels better.

She seems to think that if someone in a relationship is struggling, it's not a good time to date others. I've heard that from other poly folks. But I don't know if I agree with that. "Struggles" can sometimes be a way to control others. If there is hurt, it's easier for me to have compassion and maybe make some changes to ease the person into the situation. When there is just resentment, it's much more difficult.
 
What is that you do that is too fast for the shared relationship? Can she articulate? Do you move to sex behaviors more quickly than she? Is it about fluid bonding? Something else?

Could any of these help?

http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/poly/Labriola/jealousy.html

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles

If it is behaviors... Maybe these could help spell it out specifically so you can have a more productive conversation?

http://openingup.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Open-Relationship-Checklist-OU.pdf

From the sound of your other post

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=70740

a few weeks back it still sounds like you guys are figuring out how to DO poly together and how much to share and how much not to share with communication and information management. Like you are forming agreements still.

Keep sorting it out.

Galagirl
 
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I'm sorry, when SHE is out on a date? So you're supposed to let her do whatever she wants. But she gets to prevent you from dating any other women.

Nice deal for her.
 
possible compromise?

We created a timeline that was faster than one persons comfort and slower than the other persons comfort as a timeline for "how soon we will do xyz behaviors" with a new person. Which doesn't mean we WILL do those behaviors, but we won't do them prior to that timeline.

It has worked well as a compromise for several years now. One of us tends to move faster into being ready for sex (and consequently also blow through lovers and move on when they find that they really have nothing in common to maintain a relationship) and the other prefers to build a relationship with sex on the latter end of that.
Our compromise is somewhere in between.
 
Thanks for the replies, everyone. Very helpful stuff!

@ Galagirl: She is definitely uncomfortable by how fast I am willing to move if I am attracted to someone. I do tend to be more open to sex more quickly than Karen is. There's something about sex that really gets to her. It's almost as if she believes it "takes away" energy from her and I when I sleep with other women. I don't think it's true because I am still willing to be present and available with Karen, but she pulls away and it's a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts when I then respect her space to do so.

I wonder, too, if there's something about sex that she equates to control. If she is able to determine who I sleep with and when, then she feels like she has a voice in the relationship. She says she wants consideration, which I give her plenty of through long talks and check ins constantly, but what she really seems to want is veto power. And I'm not okay with that.

Thanks for the links!
 
@ Inyourendo: It may indeed be that time. I tend towards FWB relationships similar to your partner, and I'm wondering how you initially felt about his tendencies. It feels natural and enjoyable for me to pursue several women physically without a desire for more, although I'm open to it. Did you initially feel insecure about your partner's attractions? How did you two sort things out? How many people is he currently involved with?

@LovingRadiance: That's an interesting approach. I can't see that working for me, though. I would feel restricted and unnatural in my interactions with the women I'm attracted to. I don't tend to have sex until the 3rd or 4th date (unless it's a friend I've known for sometime and have decided to try out a physical relationship). I don't know what would be reasonable for Karen. She waits about the same amount of time.

It just seems to come down to sex being the main issue -- how much, when, and the idea that I hold sex with other women as more important that Karen. She actually thinks she could be dying, and I would still have sex with another woman if the opportunity arose right then and there. haha
 
in the beginning when I was part of it ( ie 3ways) but anytime he would venture off alone I would take a sleeping pill and just go to sleep and ignore the issue because I knew when he would come home he would tell me all about it everything would be fine. it was just the first several times he was a that I felt really uncomfortable. Eventually that went away and during that entire time I never express to him the fact that I had discomfort, I wanted him to have a good time and I didn't want to ruin that for him, so I just ate those feeling and kept them to myself

we've been together 6 years I was his 7th lover and he's had 20 lovers since we've been together. currently he has about 6 regular lovers that he sees sporadically. I think he has more issues with my one boyfriend despite that.
 
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Could you please clarify?

You say you tend to be more open to sex than Karen.
You also say you both tend to move to sex by third or fourth date...which makes it about the same pace.

Could this be not sex in general but your choice of lover? Because in your other post it seems to go that way. That Karen doesn't get why you pick some who seem like .... Drama people?

Maybe she requests you slow down in sex share and date longer to see if they are stable or not first? If you cohabitate with Karen and you end up with a loopy calling the house at all hours or doing weird drivebys or something that affects her too. Is that what she is worried about and wanting some consideration for first?

I know I am totally guessing here and I could guess wrong.

Galagirl :confused:
 
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I think those are part of her fears. She thinks I don't choose partners well. But there has never been anything I've done that has directly affected her. Only things that she can't stand the *thought* of are what gets to her. "How could you fuck her?? She isn't that great of person."

I think that's how I mean we differ in what sex means to us. I am more open to getting to know someone sexually without needing to know they are an amazing person. Not that I don't respect and enjoy the people I'm with, but I don't need for them to be some kind of inspirational figure in my life. It seems that Karen does. She really believes: "Don't fuck anyone you don't want to be." I say: "Fuck anyone you want to and feel good with." And I also don't think pleasure has to be so emotional or spiritual all the time.
 
So what are the things you do that indirectly affect her?

Are you saying this is about Karen struggling with losing respect/admiration for you because you share sex with people she cannot respect/admire herself?

Or that she is struggling with losing respect/admiration for you because you value sex share as physical pleasure, and she values it as an extension of emotional or spiritual pleasure?

Or that she is struggling with losing self respect in there somewhere somehow?

What kind of model are you guys trying to practice with the primary/secondary thing?

Multiple concurrent relationships but all separate.... Or like everyone a team, group or family?

If Karen is after group or family style, it will be hard if she cannot get on with your other partners. Is she after that model?

You seem to want separate rships. Like.... The rship with Karen is your primary rship, but you do not want the other rships mixing much or playing like one big team effort thing. So you do not get why you having a relationship over HERE is getting Karen all bent out of shape over THERE. Is that it?

Galagirl :confused:
 
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