when it's over

L

loveboth

New member
I have loved Smart Girl for more than 10 fraught, complicated years---since before she was married. We've been together to varying degrees over all that time, and had a serious long-distance relationship for about a year, since she and her shitty husband finally split up. It's been a process for my Dear Husband and I to get to the point where he felt OK about it. In the past few months, I've felt like my marriage has been better than it's ever been and I think he felt the same.

Oh, but the irony--the problems I've had in my marriage in the past reared their head again in my relationship with Smart Girl. I think of it in terms of attachment theory: I keep falling for people with avoidant attachment. I have a little of that myself, but I'm more anxious avoidant. So I fall for avoidants and then I feel perpetually starved.

Smart Girl and I broke up yesterday. I just couldn't deal with chasing her all the time, with always initiating sex, with...oh a bunch of stuff. There's a lot of divorce/parenting-related drama in her life too, and she was impatient with me because she felt I didn't take it seriously enough or something. I don't know. She just seemed annoyed with me so often. I don't have kids so I'm sure I don't entirely get it the way a woman with children would, but I tried to just be on her side, to cheer her on, to let her know she was OK--more than OK. And she felt that was blowing off her problems. I admit to compassion fatigue. I've been hearing about shitty husband for a long, long time. She started dating him the day (the actual day) we admitted feelings for each other the first time, and dumped me to be with him.

We were on a trip together when it all fell apart. We cut the trip short (for reasons other than the problem that arose as well). Three silent hours in the car and when we arrived at her house, we agreed that we were not what each other needed and I came home a day early.

I am sad. So, so sad. And I don't have anywhere to go for sympathy. Friends have watched this on-and-off with Smart Girl for years and I really don't want to hear any variation of "I told you so." Dear Husband is tense and worried about what it means for us---if our marriage is going to go bad again because I don't have this distraction and outlet for the woman-loving side of me. (It's true that having Smart Girl in my life made me very happy, but I also think a lot of the improvements in our marriage are due to the fact that he quit smoking and drinking so much and got a lot happier himself, and more energetic. As well as the increased communication poly requires.)

He also knows, as I do, that the fat lady hasn't necessarily sung yet. Smart Girl has come and gone so many times--she seems this weird inevitability in my life. She may not be gone for good. I don't know. I just don't know.

I don't know the answers to his concerns right now. I don't know anything except that I hurt. I want to be sympathetic to his worries, but I also just want to say FUCK YOU to both of them and go live alone in a cave.

I suppose all I really want here is a little "there, there, everything will be ok." I have nowhere to turn and no one to talk to. But then again, I'm always amazed and impressed by the wisdom I hear here, so I may hear something that will give me a whole new outlook.
 
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Of course you want to make that trip, and since you already know it will not really end the pain I hope you will continue to resist the urge. You can ask your husband for whatever support you would like from him and let him know you cannot take on his worries just now. Change is a fearful thing and it is best managed through supporting each other. If you need to hole up and mourn you should see if it can be managed. You have ample cause for grief.
Letting yourself greive and cope is the path out of your pain. It sounds to me as though you not only know this but are ready to take on the process and reach a better place. You are worth the effort.

Leetah
 
Thank you Leetah. I know you are right, that I just need to ride the grief to the other side. That's the only thing to do.

Smart Girl and I have broken up so many times--often for years at time--and I never seem to come out the other side. It's horrible. She's an addiction.

Maybe if I can find another woman.... I think my husband would like that. I think he's afraid of the responsibility of keeping me happy all by himself. Possibly a valid concern. I guess that's what being poly is. I have always figured I was just "acting" poly to be with Smart Girl and that if she and I broke up I would just go back to being mono. But I'm not sure that will work. I wish it were easier to meet people I click with. I just don't. I let very few people in.
 
When you have broken up for years were you out of contact or maintaining some kind of friendship? Total no contact for some substantial period of time might help. Have you had a break up of any duration since your husband achieved more control of his life? Things might be different this time if he is steadier. As to poly you should perhaps put it on the back burner for now until you can see where you stand with yourself. You don't want to fall into a bad relationship just to replace this one and certainly not just to reassure your husband.

Leetah
 
We've been completely out of contact for years at a time. I thought about her Every. Fucking. Day. Years in therapy dealing with it. It's a nightmare. She's my kryptonite.

My hope is that since is the first time we've been together under optimal conditions (she no longer married to shitty husband, my husband more gracious about it than he was in the past) and I've found she couldn't fulfill my needs, since this is the first time that the breakup was mutual and not her dumping me for her marriage--maybe this time I'll be able to move on.

Or maybe once she gets past the crisis of her recent divorce, she will become everything I want and beg me to return. (Haha.)

I'm really not a nutcase. I'm a smart, reasonably successful, mostly sane adult. I don't even know how to place all this in my understanding of myself.
 
I think years of therapy with virtually no results means you were with the wrong therapist or in the wrong mindset or both. You might want to try again. That is what my husband and I have had to do and we have been making great progress this time.

After all, SHE is not your kryptonite, something in your own mind/ heart drives you. Since it is inside you you can, perhaps with some effort, find the damaged place and nurture it into health. If you think of attachment issues perhaps you could think of it like the child you were, seeking help, give that self the attention and reassurance she needs. You are the only one who can help her.

Leetah
 
Two different therapists after two different breakups. But maybe, as they say, third time's a charm. I would love to figure out what it is that has so enchanted me about her. And "enchanted" not in a good way.

Thank you again. You have helped nudge my thinking in another direction.

I wish I could be Sleeping Beauty and go to sleep and not wake up until the grief is over.
 
Hi loveboth,

Sorry you're going through a time of grief over the loss of Smart Girl. I think the thing to do for now is take care of yourself, as much as possible. Keep us updated here and we'll try to help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
While I cannot begin to understand the level of hurt and layers of mixed emotions I'm hearing here, I just wanted to offer hugs. I'm definitely not in a place to offer advice, so instead will offer silent support and let you know that you need to only survive one hour at a time right now.

Cry.Rant. Yell. Write angry letters (but don't send them). Cry more. Let your husband comfort you. Take time to heal.

Big hugs!
 
I really had some hope the past couple of days that we just jumped the gun. It was the first friction we've had that was not directly related to the poly structure and we choked--partly, I think, out of fear that after years of yearning for each other, we might find that we couldn't fill each others' needs when we finally had the chance. I see it as that stage in any relationship, when you realize that your adored has flaws like anyone else.

We have done all our serious relationship talks via email, and we didn't talk our way through this recent conflict--we both just shut down completely. It was weird. We just stopped talking. I want really badly to get together and talk face-to-face, I think that would help. (Unfortunately, we live three hours apart, so that takes some planning and work.)

Except I guess that's not what it was to her. She said "we both know deep down that this is not where we're meant to be." Except no, I didn't know. I have never felt so whole before as when it was all working. She said she loved me. Often. How could I know?

What I do know is that I've had the nagging feeling that one false move and she's gone, and she'll blame the poly thing. Not that she wants me in her life full time--she doesn't want her ex to know she's seeing me and she doesn't really want me around her kids much while everyone adjusts to the divorce.

And I guess that's what happened. I got upset, she used it as proof that it can't work. Or maybe that we're not compatible.

Meanwhile, my husband says he's looking forward to more attention from me. I have been away a lot recently, though not all related to her. So he's been unhappy too, I guess.

Seems like everyone was unhappy but me. So now I get to be unhappy.
 
That sucks, loveboth. It sounds like this breakup was not what you wanted at all.
 
Thank you. No, it isn't what I want. I thought I did and I want to want it, but I don't. And I feel strongly that we just panicked and blew the whole thing up. But I don't think I can do anything about that. I don't know.

I hate that she said "we both know" when I guess she was talking about herself. I told her in my last message that maybe she knew, but I didn't. Haven't heard back and I'm going to leave it alone. Trying to pull some shreds of dignity around myself.

This is why I shut down negative feelings, I don't express them. They always bite me in the ass. If I had kept my mouth shut about something that was bothering me, we'd still be together. But I've been trying to work out something between us that has not felt good, and I fucked everything up.
 
10 years seems long to pine for someone who isn't fully invested in the relationship, who can walk away from you for years at a time. I've spent some time chasing emotionally unavailable women, too, and it's not that much fun. I've got a new rule for myself: if the relationship feels bad more often than good, if it's causing me anxiety, not peace, if there's more frustration than flow, I'm out.

Hope you heal fast. She ain't the only fish in the sea.
 
I know. It's crazy. It's the craziest thing in my life. Her ability to walk away is not my understanding of love.

When it's good, it's so damn good. And then it's not.

I hope I heal fast too. Either that or she comes to her senses.

Thank you.
 
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