When one relationship outshines the other

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OnTheCusp

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Last time I posted here I swore to myself I wasn't coming back, but I'm not sure where else to pose this question. Thank you in advance for whatever advice you might give me.

I've been in a relationship with my bf since May of this year. I didn't intend for it to be a long-lived thing, but as it turns out, he and I very much love each other and want each other in our lives for the long-term.

My husband is completely accepting of my relationship with bf, and recently he and I have begun talking about and taking steps toward him having girlfriends of his own.

My problem is this: my husband and I come from a background of his cheating on me while we were mono. I remain angry and hurt, although it's less than it was. But I find that I would much rather be with my bf than my husband. I feel the walls come up when my husband wants physical intimacy, while with the bf, they fall away completely. I know I love my husband, but really, sometimes wonder if I'm IN love with him.

Since the relationship with the bf is less than 8 months old, I figured this was NRE going strong, and overshadowing the relationship I have with my husband, and that eventually, it'll all even out.

Does anyone have thoughts about this? It's kind of worrying me.
 
You have to be the change you want to see.

Do you want to be committed to your husband? Erecting walls certainly isn't going to help.

Does he deserve to be in a relationship with you?

Is the difference between his cheating and your poly that of open disclosure? That he didn't tell you about his others while you are sharing yours to him? How is you're hiding your preference (BF over husband) honest?

I glanced at your introduction thread and I didn't see any explanation about your reconciliation, but you do say you are still angry and hurt. Acting to hurt your husband will do nothing to make your life better. Your thread title and your post tells me you are intentionally allowing your husband's relationship to diminish, which of course means you can choose how much it shines as well.
 
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NRE can last 6 - 24 mos. But it isn't sounding like the BF is the problem here.

What I perceive as one issue is this --
my husband and I come from a background of his cheating on me while we were mono. I remain angry and hurt, although it's less than it was.
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  • Has he apologized and asked for a chance to make amends?
  • Have you forgiven?
  • Have you given opportunity for him to make amends and defined what he has to do? (ex: named what behavior(s) he has to do/stop doing to make good in a way he can understand? And the time frame to do it in?)
  • Has he agreed to the terms you give? Has he begun the "make amends" process?
  • Has he completed that task or tasks that were set as making amends? Or still is it still in the time frame?
  • Have you both agreed the slate is now clean?

What work remains to be done so that you could be willing to let go of your anger and hurt?

The other issue I perceive is this:
I know I love my husband, but really, sometimes wonder if I'm IN love with him.
Click to expand...

I subscribe to love theory. You could Google for more examples.

Maybe it could be useful to you to think about that model for love share?

A 2 yr old toddler behaves different than a 13 yr old jr high schooler who behaves different than an 25 year old adult.

Your relationship with BF is "newborn age." I do not know how old the marriage is. I assume longer than the BF!

But I think it is reasonable to expect that love share will be different at different "ages" of the relationships. Just as it will be different with different people.

HTH!
Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
NRE can last 6 - 24 mos. But it isn't sounding like the BF is the problem here.

What I perceive as one issue is this --

  • Has he apologized and asked for a chance to make amends?
  • Have you forgiven?
  • Have you given opportunity for him to make amends and defined what he has to do? (ex: named what behavior(s) he has to do/stop doing to make good in a way he can understand? And the time frame to do it in?)
  • Has he agreed to the terms you give? Has he begun the "make amends" process?
  • Has he completed that task or tasks that were set as making amends? Or still is it still in the time frame?
  • Have you both agreed the slate is now clean?

What work remains to be done so that you could be willing to let go of your anger and hurt?

The other issue I perceive is this:


I subscribe to love theory. You could Google for more examples.

Maybe it could be useful to you to think about that model for love share?

A 2 yr old toddler behaves different than a 13 yr old jr high schooler who behaves different than an 25 year old adult.

Your relationship with BF is "newborn age." I do not know how old the marriage is. I assume longer than the BF!

But I think it is reasonable to expect that love share will be different at different "ages" of the relationships. Just as it will be different with different people.

HTH!
Galagirl
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That's cool! There's more info here.

Besides the concept of age, there's also the concept of stage.

Dating, newlywed, etc, all have different expectations and experiences.

Dating: Flaws are ignored because the limited/brief contact minimizes their effects.
Newlywed: Flaws are ignored because hormones boost the positives, minimizing the negatives
Years Married: Constant daily exposure to flaws start irritating each other
More Years Married: Negotiations, mitigations, and agreements have been made to minimize flaws
Even More Years Married: Flaws are seen positively because they remind you of your partner, even if they are still annoying

So NRE might be making your BF more appealing, boosting the time spent, which increases the NRE, etc. What your rational mind has to keep reminding you is that NRE disappears and you'll be left with everything you've ignored.
 
While NRE could be factor (the different stages Spock outlined - awesome btw!), I have to agree with Gala Girl. Of course your relationship with your bf is going to outshine your husband as long as you are still hurt and angry over your husband's cheating.

Have you two taken steps to heal? Gala Girl made excellent suggestions, but I also wonder, did you do any counseling? While deceit is a horrible thing, did your husband learn from it? Has he become a better person? Has he owned the mistake?

Equally important, do you want to get over your anger and hurt? Or are you content to hang on to it?
 
Thanks for the responses!

To clarify some stuff: I do want to be committed to my husband, and I am. I'm not sure I erect the walls, though, exactly. They just seem to fly up on their own. I know that's ridiculous, but that's certainly how it feels. I wish it was different, and I'm trying to work toward a place of openness and passion with him, but I've got a long way to go.

Does he deserve a relationship with me? In all honestly, I don't know how to answer that. Sometimes I'm pretty sure he doesn't, and he's damn lucky I chose to remain with him after his crap. Sometimes, I don't feel like that. It's a rollercoaster.

The difference between his cheating and my poly is that when he was cheating, I believed we were mono, and he believed we were mono, but he was planning to leave me and wanted to have something in place when he did so he wouldn't be alone. My poly has been open and aboveboard with him from the beginning, and was, in fact, his idea. I have hidden nothing from him, while when he was cheating, he hid every facet of his life from me.

I don't believe I act hurt to my husband. I AM hurt, and I express it, which is actually progress, because we never communicated before.

We have indeed done counseling, and he is definitely making amends. I don't think I've forgiven, yet, although I want to. I have 30 years of monogamy behind me, and so am not as able as many others to simply let go of all the hurt, as much as I want to. And the thing is, it wasn't the sex that was so bad, it was they lying, and the knowing finally that he was ready to hand my entire life over to someone else: my whole life, including my child. It was traumatic for me, and I'm healing from it in much the same way anybody heals from great trauma: slowly and with setbacks.

Have we agreed the slate is clean? No. I'm not sure how it will ever be clean, but that's my issue to deal with. Maybe someday I'll be able to let it go. Lord knows I want to.

I looked briefly at the love theory information, and I'm intrigued. I haven't had the chance to get into it in depth, as I was at work until just an hour or so ago. That's tonight's activity!

Anyway, thanks again for the input. It makes me feel better to know that all things ebb and flow and I guess that's what our relationship is doing right now.
 
I can understand the lack of trust with your husband, given not only the lying, but the fact that the affair was an exit strategy as well. (I'm not saying that deceit is ever acceptable - it's not - but cheating as an exit strategy is different from simply having the hots for an additional person, at least to me).

So I guess my question to you is why did you ultimately stay together? And how long ago was this? It takes a lot of time to recover when the breach of trust was so huge.
 
Do you want to stay with your husband because you believe that suffering and struggling will ultimately et you rewarded? That's something religion teaches and is part of the reason people try and make relationships work when they obviously aren't going to.

Your husband obviously thought that being poly would meet more of his needs. He let you go first, knowing he fucked up, you went first and proceeded to start another relationship, despite being angry and not gaining sufficient trust and now, your husband wants to actually date others and you've refused him. If you wasn't gaining trust and forgiveness, you shouldn't have proceeded with the poly thing. Being poly was meant to be fixing your relationship and you weren't forthcoming about saying that it wasn't. Now youve got your boyfriend, your husband and want to deny your husband the chance of having anyone else, despite the fact you think you prefer your boyfriend anyway.

Either close your marriage and work on that, or split up. That, to me, is your options.
 
I'm not sure how the perception that I'm not letting my husband date started, but I have no problem with it.

The bottom line is that I want to stay with my husband because I love him, but I'm having a difficult time right now. I'm not making his life miserable or whining or being horrible to him or refusing him anything.

I don't feel that I haven't been forthcoming to anybody. I'm honest about everything I do, and have discussed with him the fact that the dynamic between me and bf is different than how I am with him, and that I'm more passionate and open with bf. He knows this, and still maintains that my relationship with bf has done nothing but enhance ours. This is true.

I do NOT want to hang on to the hurt and pain, but it unfortunately rears its ugly head when I'm least expecting it. I do my best to see it for what it is--a vestige of a terrible time that serves no purpose in my current life--and dismiss it. It doesn't always stay dismissed, and over that, I have very little power right now.

I trust my husband as much as I ever will. I know that he has owned what he did and has learned quite a bit from it. I will forgive him, but I am not there yet. I do understand why he did what he did, given what our marriage was like beforehand.

My issue at the moment is figuring out the differences I feel when I'm with bf as opposed to when I'm with husband. It's confusing, and I don't want to muddy the waters more by letting people think that I'm gunning for his unhappiness or being a harpy to live with or that I'm keeping him from doing what he wants to do.
 
I'm glad you've clarified. My first impression still holds however, it sounds like you've a recipe for disaster. The walls are real and your husband probably will feel resentful.
 
I just had a wonderful thought. Don't you want two, wonderful, brilliantly sparkling relationships?
 
My husband is completely accepting of my relationship with bf, and recently he and I have begun talking about and taking steps toward him having girlfriends of his own.
Click to expand...

This statement made me think that he isn't permitted to have other relationships in the way you are.
 
You are committed to the relationship. You seem to want to forgive him. So you could decide to do it and tell him.

To me "forgiveness" is not outcome. It is an action I do FIRST to get the initial outcome of (working toward returned peace of mind/soul for me) so I can move on to the next step. Which to me is to do the (work of healing and repair) so that the outcome of (return to right relationship with each other) can be had for me and partner.

You do not seem to be in peace of mind or in peace of soul at this time.

Maybe you could start to feel better in your peace of mind/peace of soul if you said to husband something like --

"Look, I've decided to forgive you. That took me some time to get there. Now I am in the healing and repair process, and that also is going to take some time. But I made a decision to forgive. So... just making you aware where I am at."​

I have to decide to forgive someone and think to myself "There. I forgive you. It sucked, it happened. But I have decided to forgive you. Moved it forward a baby step. Now I have to get used to life post suckage and post forgiveness. THAT is the square I am on now. I have to learn to let this go so I can move past it and get on the the work of healing and repair. It takes the time it takes. "

Note I say "past it" and not "over it." You probably won't forget it, but it doesn't need to cloud your whole future either. :(

I apologize for the eyesore rainbow colors in advance.

I don't believe I act hurt to my husband. I AM hurt, and I express it, which is actually progress, because we never communicated before.

We have indeed done counseling, and he is definitely making amends.


I don't think I've forgiven, yet, although I want to.

I have 30 years of monogamy behind me, and so am not as able as many others to simply let go of all the hurt, as much as I want to.

And the thing is, it wasn't the sex that was so bad, it was they lying, and the knowing finally that he was ready to hand my entire life over to someone else: my whole life, including my child.

It was traumatic for me, and I'm healing from it in much the same way anybody heals from great trauma: slowly and with setbacks.
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You have many green sentences where you tell yourself things to help you move it forward to the healing space. You have also done concrete things like counseling to help move it to the healing space. Good for you! Keep thinking and doing those green things.

In the blue -- you talk about wanting to forgive but not there yet. What blocks your willingness to decide to forgive and move on to the work of healing and repair? Fear he will cheat again? Thinking of forgiveness as "outcome" thing rather than "action" thing? Something else? The way you think or express that?

"I don't think I've forgiven, yet, although I want to."

VS

"I want to forgive, so I've decided to forgive him. But I'm still in the healing/repair process of it. I'm getting there bit by bit."​

The first way helps keep it in the stuck -- like you haven't even started the process. The other way helps move it forward and acknowledges that you have begun the process but are still working your way across.

This process will take the time it takes. Is that red sentence an expectation of yours? That you "should be able to get over it as fast as other people? " Thinking like that just ends up increasing your burden? Because rather than accepting it takes the time it takes for you, you yourself are rushing you/making yourself feel bad that it isn't faster? :confused:

I don't know what to make of the purple area. He cheated as an exit strategy. Do you believe he is here NOW with intent to stay and be in right relationship with you? Or do you worry/fear he's going to bail? I see that it was a horrible experience to have. Is fear that there will be a repeat and you will have to go through that again holding you back from doing the forgiving?

Again, you seem to have more green than not. Maybe counting the greens helps you see you are moving forward? And knowing this helps you begin to let go of the other colors that don't help you move on toward peace of mind/soul?

My issue at the moment is figuring out the differences I feel when I'm with bf as opposed to when I'm with husband.
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To what aim? :confused:

"There. I sorted it out.
I feel X for my BF.
I feel Y for my husband.
I wanted to know this so that I can ________?"​

What would you put in the blank? :confused:

To me, you have 2 relationships. One has work of healing and repair to be doing. (Husband one.) One doesn't have that work. (BF one.) It's totally fine to enjoy hanging with BF so you can have a break from heavy work. So long as you are not overdoing (hanging out with my BF) for escapism and to AVOID doing the work of (repair with husband)? It's fine. You spend time with BF tending to that relationship. And you spend time with husband tending to that relationship. The two relationships require different kinds of tending at this time. It is what it is.

Neither one seems to be complaining about needs not being met by you. So this seems to be largely (internal conflict) stuff rather than (external conflict) with either of them.

I see you are trying to process things and really you gave yourself the best advice. I lift it up to you but with italics of my own at the end:

I'm healing from it in much the same way anybody heals from great trauma: slowly and with setbacks. But I am getting there... bit by bit.
Click to expand...

You are IN the healing process. That's ok. Keep sorting yourself out.

Hang in there!
Galagirl
 
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london said:
This statement made me think that he isn't permitted to have other relationships in the way you are.
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I think you want reassurance that 'stay the course and everything will be okay'.

There are now multiple posts however from multiple people saying that it probably isn't going to be okay. The act of preferring one relationship over another will probably lead to some damage to your marriage, especially if you cannot control how you act (you can't control how you feel, only how you act).

Yes, I understand you are still angry and don't want to be fair, don't want to treat him equally, but that isn't going to lead to a positive outcome.

I mean, if you're lucky it will, but you can't bank on it.
 
Wow, GalaGirl, you really make my posts look lame and inadequate.

I agree with GalaGirl and wish there was a way to promote it.

++!
 
You basically are saying similar. Peace of mind/peace of soul stuff.

I think you want reassurance that 'stay the course and everything will be okay'.
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Yep. OP has to reassure her own self of that so she can have peace of mind/soul again.

That even though she cannot see HOW it is going to work out at this time? She knows that she's committed to the husband and her relationship. She knows she's still got to do her side of the coin to help the odds of that outcome arriving -- that it all works out in the end. So... she's doing it!

  • Her side of the coin? It is the work of forgiveness/healing repair.
  • She says he's doing his end -- the work of making amends.

So... play ball! Both people holding up their end of it and help move it forward. :eek:

She could also ask for extra reassurance from the husband that he too is on board and committed to seeing it through.

Galagirl
 
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You want to let go of the resentment, anger, and hurt you are carrying around. That's good. A very wise mentor of mine used to say that the degree to which we are successful in life is directly proportionate to the amount of resentments we carry. The more energy we spend harboring those kinds of feelings, the less we have to devote to things that make us happy and satisfied.

So, how does one let go of old past hurts and resentments?

Basically, you start training yourself to notice when those feelings and thoughts come up without judging yourself for having them. Not judging yourself is the key element. Judging keeps us wrapped up in ourselves and not dealing with the present moment. For example, you might find that a thought rises up and suddenly you realize you're all pissy and cranky towards hubby, and then a part of you says, "Good! He deserves my anger, the cheating bastard!" or some such sentiment. That's a judgment. Or you tell yourself, "Ugh, I'm so angry! But I should be over this by now, why can't I stop getting upset?" That's judging yourself.

Judging our feelings and thoughts only keeps them coming back because they don't get to "complete" themselves. Feelings organically bubble to the surface all the time, but if we just let ourselves feel them without placing any expectation on them, others, or ourselves, those feelings dissipate, change, and a new wave of beingness rolls in. Judging our feelings keeps us stuck in them.

We also need to be on the lookout for feelings that get manufactured by our own patterns of thinking which we indulge in because there is a part of us that really wants to go there on some level. You may feel scared to let go of the anger because that is more familiar and moving past it is unknown - "What's next in store for me if I am not wrestling with this issue?" Or maybe you're not ready to forgive him because somewhere in you, you might feel that he hasn't made it up to you enough or re-earned your trust. Or perhaps your early role models in life were not quick to forgive and this is just how you learned to be in relationships. There could be a number of elements all playing a part.

The best way to let go of recurring difficult feelings and thoughts that distract you from the present moment is observe your reactions like an anthropologist. "Hmm, there's that thought again. I'm still thinking about when he cheated on me." or "Oh, I'm feeling angry right now. Huh, my chest is getting tight and I can feel myself frowning." Then let it go and get present. Pay attention to your surroundings, the people you're with, the color of the sky, anything that is not in your head! Eventually, with practice, you will be able to recognize and let go of old patterns of thinking that keep you locked in certain uncomfortable states of being, and will become better able to deal with whatever life brings you in the next moment of now.
 
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