When the relationship is over

C

catalyticurge

New member
Hi there.

I've been having an ongoing problem getting over a bad experience from a past relationship. Tension and disagreement meant no one was able to find closure, a marriage ended, and things got uncomfortable. We all moved on with our lives but remain part of the same community due to shared interests and proximity.

I still feel hurt and we've tried talking things out but that just makes it worse. One person refuses to talk to me at all so another acts as middle man, but their agenda filters every communication.

For about two years I have been adjusting my life to avoid uncomfortable run ins with these people. We work in the same field, we have hundreds of mutual friends on social media. I tried blocking them for a year and it was nice, but I unblocked them thinking things were better and now I'm having these same uncomfortable feelings of dis-ease.

Here are some examples of the way things are now with these two people:
*We are at an event. My ex comes in for a hug and I refuse, for the third time. He's not getting the hint and I want to cry whenever he comes near me. I sent an email asking them not to hug me because it makes me uncomfortable, and even more uncomfortable refusing the hug in front of our friends. The response I get is "sorry but I can't be expected to remember because I talk to a lot of people every night." We had an intimate relationship for 9 months that felt equal until the day he ended it.
*We go on the same group excursion, but don't talk to each other. Everything feels great about that until the day after we return my partner gets a text from this person (they used to date) saying they are sad they didn't get to talk to my partner more. They haven't made an effort to contact him for months and were pretty offensive behind his back in conversation with me the last time we spoke. IDGI.

I guess I'm looking for advice about coping with this. It's depressing and I want to get over it, brush these experiences off when they happen, and live my life!
 
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I am sorry you struggle.

*We are at an event. My ex comes in for a hug and I refuse, for about the third time we've seen each other in public. I sent an email asking them not to hug me because it makes me uncomfortable, and even more uncomfortable refusing the hug in front of our friends. The response I get is "sorry but I can't be expected to remember because I talk to a lot of people every night." We had an intimate relationship for 9 months.
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That's fresh. :mad:

I've had that happen to me with the "slimy guys" who think they can slime on any woman they want to just because they feel like hugging or whatever. Unasked for and unwanted touching. And because a lot of women are usually raised to not make a scene, they coast on that silence and keep behaving fresh at people.

My solution? I make a scene about it. Like...

1) If he comes so you can see it, head him off by holding out your hand to shake hands. Say loudly so all around you can hear "NO HUGS. A handshake is ok.

2) If he comes up from behind, let him hug you and simply scream. "AAAAHH! FRESH! Don't be grabbing me from behind!" Let people stare at him.

One way or another, make a scene/call it out in public with people looking so it embarrasses him. He doesn't care to remember or respect your words shared in private? Make it so he remembers the staring. Next time he won't be in such a hurry to hug you without consent.

Might turn it around on you and call you "too sensitive" but just agree. "That's right. I am. Don't hug." He can deal with it. (And you know it is NOT you being "too sensitive" but him behaving poorly and not wanting to own it.)

*We go on the same group excursion, but don't talk to each other. Everything feels great about that until the day after we return my partner gets a text from this person (they used to date) saying they are sad they didn't get to talk to my partner more.
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That sounds like you taking on board someone else's problems for yourself. You could ask your partner to not be telling you what goes on in their texts. They can deal with the sad person themselves.

I don't think that one is your job.

Your job is to give you closure. Other people don't give that to you. Other people may not want to share their closure things with you -- like a "shared" closure experience. But YOU can still give that closure to yourself. And maybe part of that process is giving up the want for "shared closure" stuff.

I want to get over it, brush these experiences off when they happen, and live my life!
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I think that's a good mantra. If you catch yourself thinking things... say that to yourself. Make a choice like "Nope. Changing the channel! I am not going to be ruminating on this. I am going to brush it off. I am going to go live my life instead and go do____." Then go do something. Fold laundry. Take a walk.

Maybe just make a note on the calendar and see how it comes up less and less over time as you keep doing that "changing the channel" thing.

Galagirl
 
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Hi catalyticurge,

I guess my advice is to avoid your ex/es as much as possible ... and, when it's not possible, do damage control and then get away from them as soon as possible.

I, too, agree with the idea of making a scene when your ex tries to hug you. "No! That's not appropriate." And take an indefinite break from communicating with your ex/es. It's obvious they're not going to help you get closure, so there's no point in talking to them. Build your own closure by giving yourself time to heal.

You can of course vent here and share more of your story, if that helps. I'm sorry you had such a difficult breakup.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
The fact of the matter is that oftentimes we don't "get closure" in the way we want or expect it to happen. I don't know what closure should look like to you, or what closure is even supposed to mean, but I imagine it's reaching some sort of acceptance and/or understanding about the way things went down and where you are now. To me, it seems like the chapter is definitely closed with this person, so I think you can say you have closure. However, you could also accept the fact that there are a lot of times in life - and especially when it comes to break-ups - when nothing makes sense and you will never understand it or be at peace with it.

The sucky thing is that now you are dealing with these people's annoying behaviors. I agree with the idea of making a scene. There is a guy in my neighborhood who was kind of stalking me. He would see me in restaurants and pubs and sit near me or stand over me and talk to me. Sometimes he would come into the place after seeing me through the window while walking by, and then sit down nearby and stare at me, and a few times he waited outside for me - ugh! If he ever saw me in the street, he would follow me for a few blocks, even crossing the street to do so (he's really fat, so I was never scared because I know I can outrun him, but it was still creepy and super annoying). I would tell him to go away but he didn't stop until I very loudly said to him, "I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE!" in the middle of the dining room of my local pub. Everybody looked. He hasn't bothered me since then. I've seen him and just ignore him, and now he leaves me alone.
 
catalyticurge said:
I sent an email asking them not to hug me because it makes me uncomfortable, and even more uncomfortable refusing the hug in front of our friends. The response I get is "sorry but I can't be expected to remember because I talk to a lot of people every night."
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This is absolute bull. You had an intimate relationship and he can't distinguish you and your desires from any number of random people? I don't buy it. He's pushing himself on you and completely invalidating your feelings. He's also using your discomfort about making a scene to his advantage.

If you take that power from him and cause the scene (like in NYC's story), I have to wonder if he'll act very differently in the future.

Anyway, I agree with the others re. closure. You can't force it. Sometimes, we don't get any answers, and that's okay. We can still move forward from there...
 
Hi again! Thanks for your replies. I'm not going to take the time to make quotes but I will try to make a general sweep in responses since you all seem to be on the same page :)

My ex wasn't trying to grope me or dominate me, he was being a naive idiot. In addition to forgetting that I used to matter to him, he forgot that he was a brat about copying sex tapes after we broke up and he treated me like the worst undeserving secondary after assuring me throughout our relationship that there were no primary/secondary dynamics in our relationship. Anyway, I did act out when he tried to hug me before I made my OP in this thread. It didn't work. It was embarrassing for me. We ended up exchanging a couple of emails about it where I made myself clear and the next time we saw each other he did not come in for the hug. Success.

I really do need to find some way to make peace with not having closure and running into my partner's ex though. Anytime I see her on Facebook or hear about her at a party I have anxiety. The other day someone asked me to do a gig for her because she was looking for help in my field :p I didn't know what to say. This person knows some of our history though and realized their error pretty quickly. My partner is supportive when I tell him how I'm feeling and that's all I really need. He wants to be able to have conversations with her at parties. Today we had an awkward conversation about her and he said some really annoying and unnecessary stuff about her that I think mostly comes from trying to be supportive of my feelings about her, but really just grosses me out about him. Don't disrespect your ex!

I guess I assume that the nature of our forgiving community will one day lead us to a chance meeting where we will bury the hatchet and be civil. I don't have very high expectations (mainly anxieties) about this possibility. My partner suggested he could talk to her about talking to me. I'd prefer something organic or nothing at all.

I've been pretty antisocial lately and neglecting my friendships too. In the last couple of years there have been some crazy things going on with my family that I became a hermit to cope with. Now my partner's ex is a lot closer with the people I used to see more often. I see it all over Facebook and it's a bummer but it's not the end of the world. I'm trying to be more social but seeing her on the "invited" list for events throws a wrench in my plan every time. I don't want to deal with her scowling at me and giving me the silent treatment because I have real problems to feel bad about.
 
It is sad that your partner's ex has so much power over you. I'll make an odd suggestion, I've never tried anything like this but I've heard it works for others. What you do is, write a letter to your partner's ex, state all the negative emotions you feel because of her, and stuff she has done to you that caused you to be hurt. Then, do a ceremony where you take the letter and set fire to it. Let the writing burn away. Let the paper float away as bits of ash in the smoke of the fire, disappearing into the heavens. It is a way of giving yourself permission to put that part of your sufferings behind you.

Might work for you, might not. I just thought I'd throw the idea out there.
 
"It is sad that your partner's ex has so much power over you. I'll make an odd suggestion, I've never tried anything like this but I've heard it works for others. What you do is, write a letter to your partner's ex, state all the negative emotions you feel because of her, and stuff she has done to you that caused you to be hurt. Then, do a ceremony where you take the letter and set fire to it. Let the writing burn away. Let the paper float away as bits of ash in the smoke of the fire, disappearing into the heavens. It is a way of giving yourself permission to put that part of your sufferings behind you.

Might work for you, might not. I just thought I'd throw the idea out there."

That sounds like exactly the type of thing that would work for me! Thanks for the suggestion. I'm sure my partner would love to light that fire :)
 
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