When to bring up poly in a new relationship

L

LAsoul88

New member
Hi Everyone,

I tried searching for a thread that touches on this subject, but I wasn't really able to find what I'm looking for (lack of correct keywords perhaps?). Please refer me to a proper thread on this subject if there is one.

My girlfriend and I are in a poly relationship and I am starting to date other girls, but I haven't met them in a poly context. I'm wondering when you all tend to bring up your poly lifestyle with new relationships.

I could see the validity in bringing it up on the first date as it is fair to be clear about intentions of this sort from the start. I also think it is a bit serious for a first date since there really shouldn't be any notions of exclusivity until it has been discussed/earned by both people.

It also seems like it could be off-putting to someone unfamiliar with poly to simply bring it up early in the dating process. Whereas, when they are more familiar with you, they might be more open-minded about it. Obviously it isn't my decision whether someone else is interested in having a poly relationship, but it does seem like something to hold off on bringing up for a few dates.

Do most of you try to date within established poly communities? If not, how do you eventually bring it up?
 
"It also seems like it could be off-putting to someone unfamiliar with poly to simply bring it up early in the dating process. Whereas, when they are more familiar with you, they might be more open-minded about it."

Why do so many people feel the need to manipulate people into liking them first, then springing poly on them? So what if they are off-put? If they are, they aren't right for you. Anyone who can't handle that I have a partner, isn't someone I'm going to date. It's unfair to them, unfair to me, and disrespectful to my partner. I care more about his feelings than some random date's.

This is how I bring it up.

Before the date:

"So, I like you and would love to go out. But I have a boyfriend of X years. Is that something you're okay with?" Done.
 
Candiedlove said:
Why do so many people feel the need to manipulate people into liking them first, then springing poly on them? So what if they are off-put? If they are, they aren't right for you. Anyone who can't handle that I have a partner, isn't someone I'm going to date.
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I suppose it just seems a little intense to spring poly before the date has even taken place. If you were politically liberal and felt that you didn't understand/want to date someone conservative, would you lay that and any other "dealbreakers" out at the outset of a first date?

I do see what you mean however. It would be unfair for to really start vibing with a person and then lay out that being with me comes with an unconventional lifestyle that they may not be on board with.
 
First conversation should include your relationship status. If you have dating profile this information should be included. If someone wasn't upfront about it with me I'd be furious and it would be immediately over.
 
LAsoul88 said:
I also think it is a bit serious for a first date since there really shouldn't be any notions of exclusivity until it has been discussed/earned by both people.
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While I can certainly appreciate the merits of "full disclosure" of some salient points of ones life or lifestyle on a first date, you've already summed up the more important factor in your post.

First dates aren't about picking out wedding invitations together, they're about getting to know someone else on a relatively superficial level. They do not imply that a relationship is in the offing any more than mailing a resume guarantees one a job. A first date implies interest, nothing more.

In a culture obsessed with labels, I see no problem with keeping poly relationship status on a "need to know" basis. First dates should be about getting to know someone else as an individual, not as a representative of a subculture. There are some topics that are just inherently second date, third date, etc. material.

If you're lucky enough to click with someone on the first date, sure, lay your cards on the table. Like many things, a hard and fast rule isn't really appropriate. Play it by ear based on the individual you're on the date with.
 
CosmoMcKinley said:
First dates aren't about picking out wedding invitations together, they're about getting to know someone else on a relatively superficial level. They do not imply that a relationship is in the offing any more than mailing a resume guarantees one a job. A first date implies interest, nothing more.
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This is what I was trying to get at.

Also, even if one did consider themselves monogamous, they could be dating/having sex with several people but not actually in a committed relationship with any of them yet. It wouldn't be until one of these people asks about exclusivity that you would have to make the decision to stay a bachelor/bachelorette or commit to a full-on relationship. At this point (possibly but not necessarily before), you would discuss other lovers in your life.
 
CosmoMcKinley said:
While I can certainly appreciate the merits of "full disclosure" of some salient points of ones life or lifestyle on a first date, you've already summed up the more important factor in your post.

First dates aren't about picking out wedding invitations together, they're about getting to know someone else on a relatively superficial level. They do not imply that a relationship is in the offing any more than mailing a resume guarantees one a job. A first date implies interest, nothing more.

In a culture obsessed with labels, I see no problem with keeping poly relationship status on a "need to know" basis. First dates should be about getting to know someone else as an individual, not as a representative of a subculture. There are some topics that are just inherently second date, third date, etc. material.

If you're lucky enough to click with someone on the first date, sure, lay your cards on the table. Like many things, a hard and fast rule isn't really appropriate. Play it by ear based on the individual you're on the date with.
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if I'm a monogamous person and somebody asked me out on a date for me to know they're not available for me to date is a need to know basis
 
chances are I'm not even willing to date someone who's in a poly relationship anyway so again I'd still want to know before I wasted my time even talking to somebody
 
Sometimes I'll pardon waiting for a second or third date to tell the person I'm poly, but I wouldn't wait any longer than that.

How would I bring it up? I'd say, "I have to tell you that I'm polyamorous. Is that okay?" If the person asks, "What's polyamorous?" then I say, "It means you can be in love with more than one person as long as all the people know and agree to it." I would of course need to be prepared to answer further questions, so it's important to be familiar with what's on Polyamory.com, in several poly books, etc.
 
Haha I interview people extensively before ever agreeing to meet up with them. But like I said I value my time. I won't waste time with someone im not compatible with or who can offer what I need in a relationship.
 
Why waste someone's time and potientally hurt them if your poly status is a deal breaker for them.

Be up front from the beginning.
 
Inyourendo said:
if I'm a monogamous person and somebody asked me out on a date for me to know they're not available for me to date is a need to know basis
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While I certainly don't want to get in to an argument over semantics, I do have to note that if someone asks someone else out for a date that the very act announces and makes it quite clear that they're available for a date.
 
Our situation was so different

When I met R I met her husband. So I sort of knew what I was getting into when I said yes to coffee. She was and has always been up front with me.

So I would start with that..
 
kdt26417 said:
Sometimes I'll pardon waiting for a second or third date to tell the person I'm poly, but I wouldn't wait any longer than that.
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Exactly. First date conversations shouldn't include a laundry list of every possible aspect of your life that someone else might find objectionable. We've all been on those, I'm sure, where the other party babbles out their entire life history before the third drink has been served. Did deeply enough in any stranger's closet, you'll find something you don't care for. A first date is about becoming acquainted with someone else, not laying the ground rules for a relationship.

Bring up a "sensitive topic" like poly on a first date with the wrong person, you'll spend the whole thing explaining poly and it may indeed sound like a sales pitch. First dates should be fairly general, not that specific.
 
CosmoMcKinley said:
While I certainly don't want to get in to an argument over semantics, I do have to note that if someone asks someone else out for a date that the very act announces and makes it quite clear that they're available for a date.
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My point is if I only date single people because im monogamous utb someone in an open relationship asked me out on a date *they* might beside ailable but not to me as someone who doesn't date non single people. As a single monogamous person it's assumed to me that if the person asking me out is single as well because monogamy is the social norm. I feel that if someone is looking for something outsidewhay a typical person might expect then it is on them to let the person know from the get go
 
CosmoMcKinley said:
Exactly. First date conversations shouldn't include a laundry list of every possible aspect of your life that someone else might find objectionable. We've all been on those, I'm sure, where the other party babbles out their entire life history before the third drink has been served. Did deeply enough in any stranger's closet, you'll find something you don't care for. A first date is about becoming acquainted with someone else, not laying the ground rules for a relationship.

Bring up a "sensitive topic" like poly on a first date with the wrong person, you'll spend the whole thing explaining poly and it may indeed sound like a sales pitch. First dates should be fairly general, not that specific.
Click to expand...

During initial texts I ask things such as do they live alone, do they have a car, what do thwy do for work, do they have kids, what religion are they, what are their hobbies etc.

No money =no date
Plans to Live with others long term =no date
kids = no date
No car = no date
religious =no date

Why would a person waste 2-3 evenings with someone they aren't compatible with?
 
So I think of my current relationship and different ways it could have started. Neither of us got into the relationship with the idea that it would be polyamorous. It began as a monogamous relationship, but we were both interested in the concept of polyamory and how that type of relationship would work. Neither of us had to convince the other to try this out. We both found the idea really fit within our value systems/beliefs, and it seemed like something could work.

Had she been openly polyamorous from the beginning and laid it out before our first date, I may not have gone on that first date. I can't say for sure, but I wasn't in a place to even consider polyamory until we had forged a strong bond.

I just feel like compatibility isn't a black and white process. Of course we all have our own preferences and things we will/won't deal with. I feel I'm still rather young and haven't experienced enough to have the mindset of "if you are X Y or Z, then we won't work." I'm still working my way through thing and discovering what does/doesn't work for me.

A common theme here seems to be that a date with someone that turns out to be incompatible is a waste of time. I wonder if this is simply a difference in personal preference. I have been on a couple dates before that obviously weren't heading to a romantic relationship but did end in a kind of friendship.

I'm curious how the monogamous people on this forum found their way into relationships with polyamorous people.
 
My boyfriend knew i was married when we first met. He was seeing my friend s nd g e also works for the same company as me. We started dating 2 years later and he was okay with it.

I told my husband on MySpace that I was married and poly, he was fine with it and when we got together agreed to be in an open relationship with me.

I would feel like a complete deceitful asshole if I essentially led someone into thinking I was single by not disclosing that I was married. I guess it comes down to treating people the way I want to be treated. I expect upfront honestly so I give upfront honestly. I guess if people are fine not getting the full story until dates in then they are going to be okay not giving the full story.

If I was transgender I would make sure the person I wad going out with was okay with that, not reveal that info dates later hoping they would like me enough at that point not to care.
 
When Murf asked me out , he met me in real life I show cars and etc without Butch, the first sentence out of my mouth involved my relationship status.

He down the road after thinking things through decided to date me.
 
When I first met my boyfriend and he friended me on Facebook, I told him I was poly right away. I knew he was interested in me and I didn't want him to think I was single. He thought about it for a while and then decided that he liked me enough and could handle me having a husband already. After our first date, a mutual friend shared the news with him that I was married. I can't imagine how unhappy and hurt he would have been to find out that way!

I wholeheartedly recommend telling people upfront.
 
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