When to Quit?
- Thread starter KC43
- Start date
JaneQSmythe
Well-known member
I've been to counseling twice, the first time was useless (I blame the counselor, not the process) the second time was immensely helpful (and lasted less than 6 months). The way I phrase it to my clients? "NO-body's life is so perfect that they couldn't benefit from some therapy. Talking to someone who has NO stake in the outcome = Priceless!"
Jane, I agree. But I doubt S2 would seek counseling on his own, and even if someone suggested it to him he would probably brush it off. He was brought up in a family where counseling just plain wasn't a thing people did ever. One of his brothers is in AA; that's the closest any of them have ever come to counseling.
It isn't my problem... I keep reminding myself of that. I worry about him, but he isn't my problem anymore.
I texted him last night to let him know that I'm open to discussing a friendship when enough time has passed. I just felt like I needed to make that gesture. His response was "I do want to be friends, but I need a bit more time. Maybe we can have lunch in a week or two."
Translation, based on the way he's behaved this summer: I want to be your friend but I don't want to be, and I can't make up my mind so I'm going to blow you off but make you think you'll hear from me again soon, and hopefully you'll give up and go away.
Jerk. LOL. His reply pissed me off, but sending him that text last night took away a lot of the negative energy and a lot of the mental swirling that I'd had going on. Last night, I slept soundly for the first time in over a week, and for the first time since at least Saturday I didn't wake up from a dream about him with my brain shouting all the things I wanted to say to him. I did dream about him, and it did wake me up for about thirty seconds, but that was it. And this morning, I woke up feeling happy and positive.
Things between him and me had been crumbling for longer than I wanted to admit, and likely longer than he wanted to admit, and the ickiness of that was dragging both of us down. Even though I hate the way he did this, I'm glad it's happened...because now I don't have to sit here knowing damn well that something isn't right and wondering when it's going to come crashing down.
He's going to have to face me at some point, because as I said somewhere here, I have one of his amps and one of his guitar cases, and he has my laptop computer. So if nothing else, we're going to have to meet to exchange property.
I'm not worried about him having the laptop; he's had it since fall, because I have Dropbox installed on that and on my desktop, so we were using it to share music files and so he could proofread stories for me. And also because he didn't have his own computer until about a month ago. I cleared everything except Dropbox from the laptop before I loaned it to him, and last month Dropbox started giving me "you have too much saved, buy more space" messages, so I cleared everything out of it except the music and some pictures he and I took on our "excursions". So there's nothing he can see that I wouldn't want him to see. And the laptop is 6 years old and doesn't work particularly well anyway, which was why I didn't have a problem letting him borrow it. His amp is probably worth at least twice as much, so if he isn't overly concerned about getting the amp back right now, I'm not going to stress about the laptop.
It isn't my problem... I keep reminding myself of that. I worry about him, but he isn't my problem anymore.
I texted him last night to let him know that I'm open to discussing a friendship when enough time has passed. I just felt like I needed to make that gesture. His response was "I do want to be friends, but I need a bit more time. Maybe we can have lunch in a week or two."
Translation, based on the way he's behaved this summer: I want to be your friend but I don't want to be, and I can't make up my mind so I'm going to blow you off but make you think you'll hear from me again soon, and hopefully you'll give up and go away.
Jerk. LOL. His reply pissed me off, but sending him that text last night took away a lot of the negative energy and a lot of the mental swirling that I'd had going on. Last night, I slept soundly for the first time in over a week, and for the first time since at least Saturday I didn't wake up from a dream about him with my brain shouting all the things I wanted to say to him. I did dream about him, and it did wake me up for about thirty seconds, but that was it. And this morning, I woke up feeling happy and positive.
Things between him and me had been crumbling for longer than I wanted to admit, and likely longer than he wanted to admit, and the ickiness of that was dragging both of us down. Even though I hate the way he did this, I'm glad it's happened...because now I don't have to sit here knowing damn well that something isn't right and wondering when it's going to come crashing down.
He's going to have to face me at some point, because as I said somewhere here, I have one of his amps and one of his guitar cases, and he has my laptop computer. So if nothing else, we're going to have to meet to exchange property.
I'm not worried about him having the laptop; he's had it since fall, because I have Dropbox installed on that and on my desktop, so we were using it to share music files and so he could proofread stories for me. And also because he didn't have his own computer until about a month ago. I cleared everything except Dropbox from the laptop before I loaned it to him, and last month Dropbox started giving me "you have too much saved, buy more space" messages, so I cleared everything out of it except the music and some pictures he and I took on our "excursions". So there's nothing he can see that I wouldn't want him to see. And the laptop is 6 years old and doesn't work particularly well anyway, which was why I didn't have a problem letting him borrow it. His amp is probably worth at least twice as much, so if he isn't overly concerned about getting the amp back right now, I'm not going to stress about the laptop.
Last edited:
opalescent
Active member
I suspect you did not whiff on judging his character KC43. Sometimes we just fail ourselves and those we love. He's overwhelmed (and that is a lot!) and isn't being his best self. Fear can lead us to the easy way out - which often causes more hurt and pain in the long run but seems better at first. I respect that you have empathy for him on that.
I was just cruising around and came across this article again and it seems to me to be relevant for each of you in your relationship with S2.
http://aphroweb.net/articles/nre.htm
I hope you keep feeling strong.
Leetah
http://aphroweb.net/articles/nre.htm
I hope you keep feeling strong.
Leetah
Thanks, Opalescent. I know how much fear can mess someone up. It contributed to the way I acted in the relationship with S2 as well; I recognize and admit that sometimes I needed too much reassurance, or tried too hard to hold onto what I wanted to believe because I was afraid of losing it.
Unfortunately, I have lost it... Even if we manage to salvage a friendship at some point, it won't be like we had. My ideal would be to have the best non-romantic parts of the relationship: The hours-long conversations that led anywhere and everywhere, the laughter, the way we sometimes seemed to read each other's minds because we think so much alike. The talks about music and my books. The walks around the city or on hiking trails.
I don't know if we can have any of that. Even if we manage to become friends, I'll still know he was dishonest, and he'll still have seen me at my insecure panicky worst. And of course, right now I'm not holding out much hope that we'll be friends anyway.
Today has been hard. For a few hours of sleeping, I kept drifting in and out of dreams about S2 in which we were still friends and still spending time together...and then waking up and remembering all over again that we aren't. About half a dozen times before I finally gave up and got out of bed, because every time I woke up from one of those dreams, it was almost as hard as when he and I talked on Sunday.
Unfortunately, I have lost it... Even if we manage to salvage a friendship at some point, it won't be like we had. My ideal would be to have the best non-romantic parts of the relationship: The hours-long conversations that led anywhere and everywhere, the laughter, the way we sometimes seemed to read each other's minds because we think so much alike. The talks about music and my books. The walks around the city or on hiking trails.
I don't know if we can have any of that. Even if we manage to become friends, I'll still know he was dishonest, and he'll still have seen me at my insecure panicky worst. And of course, right now I'm not holding out much hope that we'll be friends anyway.
Today has been hard. For a few hours of sleeping, I kept drifting in and out of dreams about S2 in which we were still friends and still spending time together...and then waking up and remembering all over again that we aren't. About half a dozen times before I finally gave up and got out of bed, because every time I woke up from one of those dreams, it was almost as hard as when he and I talked on Sunday.
Thanks.
Last night I had more dreams about him, but this time they put me in a positive frame of mind. Instead of reminding me that we aren't friends now, those dreams gave me the hope that we might be able to hash things out and salvage some kind of friendship.
Despite the way this ended--the relationship aspect at least--he meant a lot to me, did a lot for me, and we click on so many levels that I would really prefer to keep him somewhere in my life. At more of a distance, and with more guardedness on my part, but still somewhere in there. I don't know if that'll be possible, because I'm still waiting to hear back from him.
(If I don't hear from him by the end of the month, I'm going to text him to let him know that if we aren't friends, he needs to get his ass over to my apartment to get the stuff I'd borrowed from him. I'm not going to hang on forever. Lesson learned on that. But I'm trying to strike a balance between "forever" and "enough time to heal at least somewhat and move on".)
Last night I had more dreams about him, but this time they put me in a positive frame of mind. Instead of reminding me that we aren't friends now, those dreams gave me the hope that we might be able to hash things out and salvage some kind of friendship.
Despite the way this ended--the relationship aspect at least--he meant a lot to me, did a lot for me, and we click on so many levels that I would really prefer to keep him somewhere in my life. At more of a distance, and with more guardedness on my part, but still somewhere in there. I don't know if that'll be possible, because I'm still waiting to hear back from him.
(If I don't hear from him by the end of the month, I'm going to text him to let him know that if we aren't friends, he needs to get his ass over to my apartment to get the stuff I'd borrowed from him. I'm not going to hang on forever. Lesson learned on that. But I'm trying to strike a balance between "forever" and "enough time to heal at least somewhat and move on".)