When to tell kids?

[Maygen]

So I've started dating an awesome guy. I was already friends with him, his wife and I am "Aunty" Maygen to their kids. I won't lie, I'm totally having major NRE (but taking steps to avoid rhe negatives associated with it) but I do see the possibility of this being a long term relationship. So the thing is the kids

They're younger (preschool and almost a preteen) and like I already said, I'm aunt Maygen so they know me. They're already used to waking up and finding I've spent the night because I did it often as a friend. However, now the relationship has obviously changed between their dad and I. We don't show physical affection between each other when the kids are around and I am sure they don't have any idea about the relationship.

So my question is: when is an appropriate time to tell kids?

I've seen plenty of info of how to tell kids about polyamoury, but not so much when. Obviously it's not up to me (as my partner and his wife may never want them to know and I respect that) but I'm talking about a scenario where parents want to tell their kids. When is an ok time to tell kids that their aunt is more than just a friend to a parent?

I know that its never a 'one size fits all' scenario or anything. I'm looking for mostly different perspectives, ideas, opinions and maybe some actual real life examples. Also, what happens when parents are open to their kids, a poly partner is introduced and a relationship doesn't work out?

Sorry for the long post for a small question haha

 

[KC43]

Like you say, there is no "one size fits all" answer, because there are WAY too many "it depends" factors.

It depends on the ages of the kids.

It depends on how open the parents are with their kids about other things.

It depends on the *reason* for wanting the kids to know.

It depends on how long the relationship (vs. just friendship) has been going on.

And so on.

As with a lot of things, there is no one true "it's okay" time or way to do it.

If your friends are considering telling the kids, the most important thing will be for them to do so at a level the kids can understand. With the preschooler, something like "Daddy loves Mommy, and Daddy also loves Aunty Maygen, and we're all happy" would be sufficient. For a preschooler, they don't need a lot of detail and they don't need to know WHY something is happening, necessarily. Mostly all they're going to be interested in is seeing that *their* life isn't changing much; preschoolers are very self-focused.

With the preteen, they might want to add something along the lines of, "Mommy knows about Daddy and Aunty Maygen loving each other, and she doesn't mind. Daddy and Mommy are staying together, and Aunty Maygen will be spending time with Daddy too." Kids that age might have questions about why and how someone can love more than one person, and how that kind of relationship can work, but again, they don't need much detail, and the foremost question in the mind of a preteen (by which I'm assuming you mean somewhere in the 9-12-year-old age range) is going to be "Are my mom and dad getting a divorce?" That's what they'll need the most reassurance about.

As for what happens if the relationship doesn't work out... the same thing that happens if a parent with kids has a monogamous relationship that doesn't work out. The person who isn't a parent to the kids probably won't be part of the kids' lives anymore, though maybe they will be if there's a strong enough friendship between them and the parent(s). The kids will want to know what happened, and just like in a divorce, they'll need to be reassured repeatedly that the break-up has nothing to do with THEM, it's between the adults.

That's my perspective from having worked with children of varying ages in varying capacities over the past quarter-century...

From a more personal perspective, out of the four kids mentioned in my signature, Alt is the only one who has been told that S2 and I are actually in a relationship. And I didn't tell her I was polyamorous until about 6 months ago, just prior to a trip I took to visit my previous boyfriend. I haven't told Country yet (though I'm about 95% sure she *knows*) partly because she's on the autism spectrum and it's going to take some work for me to figure out how to explain it in a way that will make sense to her, and partly because since she's still under 18, I share legal custody with her father, and I'm concerned about her telling him what's going on and him responding by filing a custody case against me. I've also learned after 16 years of parenting the child that with things like this, it's better to wait for her to ask questions than to just throw information at her.

So as far as Country, Spikes, and Beads are concerned, S2 and I are good friends and spend a lot of time together because he helps me promote my published books and is teaching me to play bass guitar. And that's how it's likely to stay for the foreseeable future.

 

[sparklepop]

Hi Maygen,

You pose an interesting question - not *how* to tell the kids, but *when*.

As you already acknowledged, I absolutely think it depends on many factors, including the age of the children.

In my situation, I met my girlfriend's daughter when she was only 2. She's now almost 6. We have never used the term "polyamorous". This is largely because we don't see polyamory as a big horror that we need to "come out" about. However, we also consider our daughter's school life and what she repeats there. When she's older, we may use the term 'polyamorous'. We bring things up as and when they come up. Things we've said include "Mommy loves sparklepop, just like Mommy loves Daddy", "Mommy and Daddy are married, but Mommy also loves sparklepop", "Sometimes people love more than one person", "Sometimes people have more than one boyfriend or girlfriend", etc.

Like you, I used to be known as 'Aunty'. We actually found an unexpected consequence of this - our child became confused about boundaries. For instance, she thought that I was GF's sister, which was causing some confusion in terms of family roles. We decided straight away to stop referring to me as Aunty and simply be straight with her when she asked. The difference here, though, is that our child was 2 when I met her. Your boyfriend's children are... about 4 and 11? It's a slightly different scenario, especially in terms of the older one.

I'm personally very open with my step-daughter. She knows if I go on dates, she knows I'm into women instead of men. She's completely unphased by the poly part. She recently became confused about the lesbian part, but she now tells me that she wants me to find a wife. ~laughs~ My GF, however, calls all of her dates "friends". She has not told our daughter that she has another partner, outside of myself and her husband.

To answer your question, I'm of the personal belief that honesty from the outset is the best option. I don't see the problem with it, if it's communicated in an age-appropriate way. Other people disagree. I'm not sure there is a right or wrong. If honesty wasn't present from the outset, I'd want to get at least 6 months into a relationship before we had The Conversation. I personally wouldn't have my step-daughter spend much time with one of my partners unless I'd been with them for around 6 months and felt that they were likely to be long-term. I might introduce a new partner once in a while - but not enough to allow any relationship to form between them. Your scenario is different, because you've already been in their lives for some time.

In terms of what happens if the poly relationship breaks up... I don't think it's any different to a parent breaking up with a mono partner. My parents divorced when I was 4. My mom was always honest about who her new boyfriend was. My Dad, however, continued to pretend his girlfriends were "just friends". He still does! My sister and I clocked this pretty fast - kids are observant and intuitive. They see more than you think. My Dad went through two major breakups with women we were close to when we were growing up. Of course it was upsetting for us at the time, but it didn't cause any long-term damage to us. Break-ups happen. I think it's worse for the child to be kept in the dark. Even when I was 8 years old, I felt insulted by this!

Overall, it's obviously going to be up to your boyfriend and his wife, in your situation. What will fall on your shoulders is if you're ok with being 'Aunty' for X amount of time. You may always be fine with this, or you may reach a point where you want everything out in the open.

 

[A2Poly]

I think the right time is when all of the adults think it is time. Hopefully before the kids decide that you are 'hiding' something from them.

I'm out to Billie, but she has poly freinds her own age, so that was easier, she actually guessed immediately Djinn thinks we should be out to The Kids, but Mal doesn't yet. But it's up to Djinn and Mal in the end, because while I've know both kids since before they were born they aren't my kids.