When to tell the kids

M

Martinus

New member
Sorry that I ask so much questions in a short period of time.

When to or how to tell the kids that the friend of there parents they know all there life. Has become more than a friend?

They gonna see us kiss an notice us sleeping together. When he is here.
The oldest is 10 youngest 5
We had vacations together and they really accept him. But I'm uncertain how they react to kissing. Cuddling between the 3 of us they accept, because they always see u do that.

How do most kids react to this.
 
Hello Martinus,

I am generally a proponent of telling the kids sooner rather than later, if they are going to see you kissing this friend, you might want to prepare them for that sight ahead of time. You can tell them in an age-appropriate way, e.g., "Mommy and I love our friend in the same way that Mommy and I love each other," rather than, "Mommy and I are having sex with our friend." Although if one of the kids asks, "Are you having sex with your friend?" I think it's fine to say, "Yes." If a child is old enough to ask something, they are old enough to hear the direct answer.

You don't have to tell the kids right this minute, but I would tell them soon.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Don't apologize for asking questions! Questions are good!

Okay, so I have no kids but have been a kid and studied child psychology for my continuing ed. Still, take what I say with some grains of salt as I am not a professional.

Kids aren't stupid, and if anything, they can gander on much faster than we give them credit for and faster than adults.

You can never really control how kids react, but I'd talk to the 5 year old at a different time than the 10 year old. They're at different points developmentally so they'll have different questions, if they have any at all. And, every kid can react differently even in the same family.

How I'd do it is, for the 10 year old;

"Hey [Child], you know [Friend(s)]? What do you think of them/do you like them(this style question)? (The reason I'd ask what they think of them/if they like them is, imo, it's important to know and important to make sure the kid does feel comfortable. I'm going to continue under the assumption they say yes)."

[Child]: Yes!

"Good! That makes me/us happy! Well, I wanted to talk to you about something. You may have noticed that [friend] is very special to us and have seen us cuddling, and we/I are [relationship] with them. All that means is we love each other, and want each other to be happy. So you may see us cuddling, or kissing. We want you to know it doesn't mean we'll love you less." And encourage them to ask any questions they have!

THen for the 5 year old, a simpler one where it's the same kinda idea, but not as much detail.
 
Thanks for the tips.
We will tell them when they ask, when they don't ask before our holiday in 2 months it will be the first thing we're going to tell them. Also because they will see us sleeping together the whole holiday
 
Martinus said:
Thanks for the tips.
We will tell them when they ask, when they don't ask before our holiday in 2 months it will be the first thing we're going to tell them. Also because they will see us sleeping together the whole holiday
Click to expand...

I would tell them with enough time for them to process before seeing you together for days on end. At least the 10 year old who already has expectations about relationships/ethics. It'll be a big shock find out parents aren't traditional and another to start seeing it. All of it at once would be intense
 
Re (from Martinus):
"How do most kids react to this?"
Click to expand...

Adults often worry that kids are going to freak out (like many adults would), thinking "OMG that is immoral!" In most cases the kids just want to know that Mom and Dad are still going to be around to take care of them.

There are cases where kids (particularly teens) may worry about what their friends at school are going to think. In such cases it is probably best for Mom and Dad to keep a low profile on their poly relationship when at the kid's school.

Sometimes it's just a matter of a teen going through the difficult times that teens often do. They might give Mom and Dad a bad time about their polyness, calling it immoral, simply to gain leverage. It varies from child to child. You said your oldest is ten, so you probably won't have any difficulties at this time.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
Have you considered that they might not want to see you kiss and sleep together?
Click to expand...

Yes but that's a little difficult when we are together 24\7 on a camping trip.
So if they don't want to see us together it will be very difficult for us and them.
 
Martinus said:
Yes but that's a little difficult when we are together 24\7 on a camping trip.
So if they don't want to see us together it will be very difficult for us and them.
Click to expand...

So, if that is the case, don't you think it's best you speak to your kids about this before you go. Otherwise they will be stuck in a potentially uncomfortable and even traumatic situation.

I wouldn't gamble with my children's mental wellbeing.

It might be that they are okay with it but don't want to see it in which case you and the other adults will have to do your adult business away from them.
 
They allready know about the camping trip we always go on holiday with this friend.
We will have to tell them that they will be sleeping in the small tent and that the grown ups will be sleeping in the main tent.

""It might be that they are okay with it but don't want to see it in which case you and the other adults will have to do your adult business away from them''

Well we wont kiss full on pasionately where the kinds see us but that is not something we do now.
But the casual good morning kiss and so on they will notice dad kissing D and D kissing mom.

cuddling isn't a problem because they don't know better than that we cuddle with D.
The main isuses are them seeing us sleeping together, were he used to sleep in his own tent.
And when we come back home and other people start reacting to our relationship.
 
Last edited:
My answer will depend on few things..

Are you out of the poly closet to the world?
 
I think one thing people are trying to say, and I know with any sort of language barrier things can get jumbled, is that would you be willing to tone things down to the kids comfort level?

Because I think if you are, then things will go a lot smoother. It's one thing to see parents going into the same tent (assuming you're not all sharing one tent), but another to see them doing more than the normal behaviors; sometimes kids can even get uncomfortable when normal behaviour takes on a new context of a new relationship. You guys may have to adjust to literally just all going into the same tent and really a lot less cuddling or even smooching around the kids. The more a child feels their boundaries are being respect (like most adults) the more comfortable they will be.

I know, for example, with my fiance, if my family found out that we're poly, any sort of physical contact would become weird; since they don't know I can rest my legs on him or lean against him at family get togethers and no one blinks. If they found out, we would tone it down to their comfort level and maybe sprinkle in some minor touching.

I hope that makes sense
 
We are not out of the poly closet.
First because it' s very recent that we "had our first time to give in to our feelings,"
D and I had feelings for each other for more than 3 years.
His ex girlfriend didn't accept this. one of the reasons its his ex now.
My wife liked him as a friend.
My wife is open to my bisexuality. I did not want to cheat on her (although she gave consent to me to have a sexual relation with a man)
Since my wife also fell in love with D. And D with her.
We can experience and discover our love further.
The official relationship is very young.

We won't tell anyone till after our holiday.

And of course we won't be doing sexualy oriented things In front of the kids.
And the cuddling they are accustomed to this because they known D all there life and don't know better than that mom and dad cuddle with D.
They even come to cuddle with us when we cuddle on the couch.
But they do know kissing is something you do when you are in love.
And yes when the girls will be having problems with the new situation we will change our behaviour.

The kids are number one of our concern. That's why I ask for tips tricks and advice from you as more experienced people
.
 
Last edited:
Martinus said:
We won't tell anyone till after our holiday.
Click to expand...

I'm a touch confused, I thought you were telling them before the vacation? Is there any reason why you'd wait to tell the kids? To me, it would make sense to tell them before and cancel the trip if they react negatively. Sometimes it's not better to ask for forgiveness than permission. Kids are sensitive and I know fo rme as a kid it wouldn't have made things better if I found out after a vacation that the vacation wasn't what I thought.

And of course we won't be doing sexually oriented things In front of the kids.
And the cuddling they are accustomed to this because they known D all there life and don't know better than that mom and dad cuddle with D.
They even come to cuddle with us when we cuddle on the couch.
Click to expand...

I know they're accustom to the cuddling, but as I said before; once they find out a relationship is different than they thought they may become uncomfortable with the cuddling. In which case I'd say tone it down to their comfort level.

Because even cuddling and little kisses can be too much when kids are told the relationship is not what they assumed.
 
I am the Mother of 3 boys.

Kids will expose your secrets to family, friends, teachers, strangers, and so on.

Are you prepared for the world to know your private life? Especially extended family.

I am out to the world but your children could pay the backlash from society or family if you live in a conservative area. Your kids could pay the price for your lifestyle. My youngest had mother forbid her son to play with mine because I am poly.
 
We Will tell the Kids but not to friends or family
 
Double post
 
Last edited:
Hate to be the bearer of bad news but kids do not keep secrets. They will tell someone.

Nor is it fair to place such a burden on children. It is not their job to keep your relationship a secret.
 
How long have you had a relationship w this "friend"? You might want to avoid the situation when it explodes after NRE weakens three months in, but the kids already know, so they basically ask (and relive with you) details of the breakup.
 
Dagferi said:
Hate to be the bearer of bad news but kids do not keep secrets. They will tell someone.

Nor is it fair to place such a burden on children. It is not their job to keep your relationship a secret.
Click to expand...

I agree with both of these points, and I am sorry I didn't think of them before.

I know these choices and factors make the choices much harder but they're excellent points to consider.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top