When your country's rules make you consider divorce

K

KerrBear

New member
Hi, everyone. It's been awhile. Life doesn't stop moving on and after my first polyship last summer, I have been just casually dating online. That seemed to keep me happy. I got the emotional aspect I was looking for and the sexual desires I just carried over and used to spice up the bedroom with my husband.

I've met someone new. He is amazing. Super smart, spiritual, romantic. We skype for hours and hours and never seem to run out of things to say. We debate a lot. Sometimes those discussions have gotten a little carried away. Especially when we are talking about religion and clothing. . .

You see, he's a Muslim. Though I readily told him when we first met I was married and I practice polyandry. He was okay with that, which is shocking because that's totally against his culture. But then, I guess I am against my own culture as well.

We have so many things in common and some things that aren't. It's sad because I'm probably never going to be able to come completely out to his parents. They would never accept it and parents are very important to the Muslim culture. So that's on my mind.

The other issue is citizenship. Before he met me, he's never wanted to come to the US. His sights have always been on the UK. I don't really plan on moving anywhere outside the US. I have kids to raise. But bringing someone into the US isn't easy. It's pretty much impossible unless he's rich enough to afford our totally inferior and overpriced universities, is skilled in something unique or through marriage. That's about it. So getting him here to be with us is going to be nearly impossible.

He suggested that I divorce my husband (on paper) so that our marriage would be considered valid and it would be possible to get him a visa. Yeah, I dunno about that. I can imagine how well that would go over for my husband, though I'm not seeing a lot of other options here. I want marriage with both of them, of course.

My bf doesn't want me to leave my husband. He wants us to be a family and he accepted this right away when we decided to "date". He wants marriage. It is very important to him. He wants kids and a family life. He is responsible and family centered. Everything is good with him and I trust him. I just wish there was an easier way to bring him to the states that didn't mean "divorcing" my husband.
 
I understand how an authentic relationship can form via electronic communication. That said, before you consider divorcing your husband as a means to get him to the US, I do suggest some face to face meetings first.
 
Ever consider trying to go the recurring visa route? We're one of the last two countries that double taxes it's citizens. If they do get naturalized whatever finances held in any other country will have to be counted at tax time.
Which usually ends up in accounts being closed in their country of origin because of our nosy-ass new law (made to catch tax cheats but it basically fucks over ex-pats and naturalized citizens).
 
Are you able to see how that sounds to a stranger looking in?

"Divorce your hubby and marry me so I can get a visa and come install myself into your family and assume all legal access and rights as your legal husband. It is ok with me if your ex hubby hangs around."

Kinda fresh even suggesting that this early on from someone you just met! :mad:

This thread was from earlier this month about getting in too deep too fast and then scrambling to get out again. This reminds me of that. Rushing to get too close too fast is a flag. Have you considered he might be love bombing you to get what he wants? Visa via marriage? Or via pregnancy?

What if doesn't work out? Then what? Depending on your state he walks off with half your stuff and you paying alimony? He wipes you out and runs off to his country again and you are left trying to divorce a ghost? That is a legal mess.

There are easier ways to date than marrying people to ship them in and taking risks like that. If it was just you and hubby it would still be big risk but you have kids. I shudder at the thought of risking upheaval like that in their lives. Would your children be second class to him because they are not his own?

If he is worth dating he can figure a way here on his own. If he is not able, then he is not able and this relationship is not meant to be more than online flirtation. Limit reached.

I caution you to not let NRE lala's lead you to make major life decisions like divorce and marriage. Could guard against that.

Why would you invest here?

He wants a wife and kids and family life.
He never wanted the US but the UK.
His conservative muslim parents would never accept you.

The price of admission to all that incompatible is dumping your current husband and rearranging your kids' lives? More?

Too much to pay, IMHO. Not a match. I would walk away and stop investing there. You were happy online dating other people so could go back to that.

Be very careful. He is basically still a stranger and who knows what his true motives are. All you get is the skype thing.... And that could be an act. :(

Galagirl
 
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I divorced my husband on principle. We are still partners and we celebrated our first "anti-versary" two days ago. So I don't think your idea is crazy, except for the involvement of a relative stranger in the most risky part of it.

Divorce is trivial - it just puts you back where you used to be: legally an individual. Marriage has huge legal and social repercussions, no matter how non-traditional you are. And just because you seem to share intentions beforehand, doesn't mean one of you can't later use the legal requirements of marriage to pressure the other into consequences you never intended. This is not something we should do lightly, or with people who have not shown their commitment over time and in many ways. Mitch and I would consider marrying if there were significant practical advantages. There aren't for us, and I admit I'm relieved.

If your only reason for divorcing is so you can immediately marry this relative stranger so that you can get to know him better and eventually fulfill all of his life family goals while living the rest of your life in the closet, I strongly urge you to box up that idea and not open it again for five years. At least. Marrying him before you've had time to live together in your dynamic is of such great benefit to him, and potential cost to you, that you can't rely on his good faith and your breathless admiration to guide you in this.

Love is super awesome sparkly fun. But this guy's needs and the legal realities of the proposed plan don't sound compatible with you living your life with authenticity, or even with enough autonomy to be as happy as you've been. Maybe I'm wrong. Take a few years to find out what you can be for each other before going all in and legally binding yourself to him or anyone. Please.
 
yes, i think you guys should visit each other in real life extensively before starting this process. i would recommend this to anyone in a long distance relationship. my friend went to seattle to visit my ex boyfriend twice and he came here once before she chose to move to seattle to be with him. it's important to make sure that you guys are compatible in the real world before taking this huge step.

how does your husband feel about this? I agree with GG that this is a pretty balsy statement, i would be very turned off by that suggestion to be honest. i think it would be a really good idea to make sure this guy isnt just seeking a green card marriage
 
BE VERY CAREFUL. This sounds like someone who just wants a green card.

When you only know someone online, you don't really know them at all.

I'm sure he seems sincere, and says a lot of things you want to hear, but we have a recent member here who recently had to kick someone out of her house after over a year of being together in a triad because this person who seemed so sincere and nice, was in fact crazy and plotting to get her out of the picture to have the husband all to herself.

Don't do it! At the very least, see if you can get a background check done on him.
 
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