phasedandconfused
New member
Hi all. My emotions are seriously fucking with me tonight and although I should be sleeping and getting ready for a hellish week at work ahead, I'm here because all I can do is think and worry about conversation I had with my boyfriend today.
This is my first poly relationship, and if I'm being honest, my first serious relationship period. My boyfriend is currently my only partner. We've been together about 4 months. The boyfriend is in a long-term committed relationship with a partner of 4 years with whom he lives. He and she share finances, a pet, and know and get along with each other's families. He and I on average spend time together once a week.
Recently he's expressed worry that it must be difficult for me that he's only able to give me that much of his time and energy. He says he feels bad that he can't spend more time with me, but I'm not entirely sure if he feels bad because he can't or feels bad because he won't or doesn't want to.
I expressed that I want a primary partner in my life the way he has a primary partner in his. (Neither of us like that label, but it is what it is). He said our relationship would probably make more sense if I did have that. And he said he wanted that for me and that he hopes that I find that. He is also worried that once I find that that I won't have any need for him anymore and says he's "bracing himself for that." I can't imagine anyone making me want to leave him to pursue monogamy. But I've also never seriously tried monogamy and maybe it is the right decision for me. I just don't know. All I know is I love my boyfriend and I don't want him to go anywhere.
But I am realizing that finding a primary partner while attached to a secondary partner is kind of the reverse of how most people do poly, and as such it will likely be incredibly difficult for me to find someone who is poly but not already in their own primary relationship. I'm worried that if I don't find that primary partner somewhere that I'll sit an languish wishing my current relationship were more primary than it is.
And that's what brings me to the subject of my post. At some point in our conversation the boyfriend asked me if in ten years' time he were to be married to his primary and were still only able to give me about the same time he gives me now, would I be happy with that? At first I didn't know how to respond because ten years is a long damn time even in hypothetical years. And retrospect it kind of felt like a blow.
I guess in the back of my mind maybe I had been hoping that our relationship might one day evolve into a co-primary situation, if we put in enough time and feelings remained strong. It's not something I've been depending on or something I wanted to attempt to jump into right away, I just thought maybe it'd be a possibility down the line. I mean lots of poly people have multiple primaries. It's not unheard of. I don't think it was unreasonable to think it might one day happen if circumstances were right, especially since we never explicitly defined our relationship as secondary from the outset.
His asking me that question felt like he was subtly trying to tell me that that is never going to happen. That he has already made that decision. That our relationship is as serious and as committed as it's ever going to be, no matter what.
I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about that.
This is my first poly relationship, and if I'm being honest, my first serious relationship period. My boyfriend is currently my only partner. We've been together about 4 months. The boyfriend is in a long-term committed relationship with a partner of 4 years with whom he lives. He and she share finances, a pet, and know and get along with each other's families. He and I on average spend time together once a week.
Recently he's expressed worry that it must be difficult for me that he's only able to give me that much of his time and energy. He says he feels bad that he can't spend more time with me, but I'm not entirely sure if he feels bad because he can't or feels bad because he won't or doesn't want to.
I expressed that I want a primary partner in my life the way he has a primary partner in his. (Neither of us like that label, but it is what it is). He said our relationship would probably make more sense if I did have that. And he said he wanted that for me and that he hopes that I find that. He is also worried that once I find that that I won't have any need for him anymore and says he's "bracing himself for that." I can't imagine anyone making me want to leave him to pursue monogamy. But I've also never seriously tried monogamy and maybe it is the right decision for me. I just don't know. All I know is I love my boyfriend and I don't want him to go anywhere.
But I am realizing that finding a primary partner while attached to a secondary partner is kind of the reverse of how most people do poly, and as such it will likely be incredibly difficult for me to find someone who is poly but not already in their own primary relationship. I'm worried that if I don't find that primary partner somewhere that I'll sit an languish wishing my current relationship were more primary than it is.
And that's what brings me to the subject of my post. At some point in our conversation the boyfriend asked me if in ten years' time he were to be married to his primary and were still only able to give me about the same time he gives me now, would I be happy with that? At first I didn't know how to respond because ten years is a long damn time even in hypothetical years. And retrospect it kind of felt like a blow.
I guess in the back of my mind maybe I had been hoping that our relationship might one day evolve into a co-primary situation, if we put in enough time and feelings remained strong. It's not something I've been depending on or something I wanted to attempt to jump into right away, I just thought maybe it'd be a possibility down the line. I mean lots of poly people have multiple primaries. It's not unheard of. I don't think it was unreasonable to think it might one day happen if circumstances were right, especially since we never explicitly defined our relationship as secondary from the outset.
His asking me that question felt like he was subtly trying to tell me that that is never going to happen. That he has already made that decision. That our relationship is as serious and as committed as it's ever going to be, no matter what.
I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about that.
