I am pretty new to polyamory, a little over 7 months. This is my first poly relationship. It has many benefits, but at the same time, so many problems. I am having trouble sorting out my feelings. I would appreciate any insight that anyone can provide. Where to begin?
We met through Facebook. The husband (Bread) and I had a history in high school. Nothing major. We didn't even date officially. However, I was his first.
Apparently this couple had previously talked about introducing a girlfriend for them both to share. I came over one snowy night and we had sex. At the time it was thought to be a one-time adventure. Bread started developing feelings for me, more intense than what I think his wife Butter would have expected.
We discussed being exclusive. A relationship with them both. I was open to the idea, because I enjoyed each of their company, was physically attracted to them both, and we had a great time with each other. We enjoy same activities, etc.
The problems began when Bread started showing me lots of attention and expressed feelings towards me. I have had moments where Butter and I are close, but her "daemons" creep up and she "shuts herself out" (her words). I do really care for her, but she has a lot of emotional baggage that causes her to put up insurmountable walls that I have climbed numerous times. She admits that she closes people out rather than dealing with problems. She ignores problems. I'll admit I hate confrontation and dealing with issues as much as the next person, but she is really good at this. I have pushed and pushed for her to let me in, all the while developing deep feelings and connection with Bread, and juggling the balance of the relationship.
Our relationship has had numerous ups and downs. When things are good they are great. We laugh together, enjoy simply hanging out together. Butter and I share similar interests. Bread works night shift, so there have been lots of nights where we will have a "girls night in," when I'll spend the night. She and I usually "play" together. I enjoy the time we share together.
When Bread is at work and I am not there, he and I text frequently. We have a relationship via text because phone calls are not permitted. He and I will chat into the wee hours of the morning about everything. We have a very honest, romantic and flirtatious relationship that is limited to texting. When they are having their alone nights, I respect their time together and usually do not interfere.
The problem is that my feelings for Butter have not developed as rapidly as my feelings for Bread. I believe that the majority of this is due to her closing every door and window, not allowing me to enter. I care deeply for her. I have always said that I would never hurt her. I have even offered that if this is not what she expected, then I would leave.
I understand that when this all started, she expected someone for them to share, and she and I have just not reached the level of intimacy that he and I share. That being said, Bread and I have NEVER done anything that could be considered cheating. Neither of us have even considered it. He loves her and he loves what she has sacrificed for his happiness. I look at them and can see his love for her. And I care about her too much to consider hurting her in that way.
I respect their marriage, feelings, and family. They have two children of their own and a foster child that will be leaving in October. I honestly would never want to hurt anyone in that way and I truly do care about Butter.
There have been incidents in which alcohol makes him a bit more touchy. I have always been the "angel." At a party once, he took me aside and kissed me. I declined his advances. But the night ended with her berating me in front of their friends and talking about me to my face. Alcohol and emotions...
Bread and I have discussed this at length. He and I don't want a separate relationship. For one, I couldn't do for him all that she does. She homeschools their children, basically waits on him hand and foot, and is an excellent mother and wife. I'm not so domestic and have no desire to be. Not to mention, I like my life the way it is. I work hard and play hard. I have fewer responsibilities and that is how I like my life. Secondly, he doesn't want just me. He wants us both.
For the most part, I have embraced my role as a secondary. I have a demanding job and lots of responsibilities. As I said, I enjoy my life the way it is.
The problems have been creeping up more and more. Butter is going through an emotional roller coaster right now. I actually fear she is suffering with severe depression or manic depression. She and I have talked so many times about her seeking someone to talk to. The problems are not solely our relationship, but I do see its role in her feelings. She has suffered with bulimia, physical abuse and she has alluded to some sexual abuse.
I too had a severe episode of depression a while ago. I lost my job and my husband within the space of one month. I became suicidal and severely depressed, but with counseling and medications I have significantly improved.
I see the pain she has. I have encouraged her to get help numerous times. I understand how difficult admitting you need help can be. I have tried being supportive many times. Even when I was not feeling like giving emotionally (due to things occurring in my own life) I still made the effort. Many times my efforts go ignored or unreciprocated.
Recently I was sick and even hospitalized, and the limitations of the relationship became more evident. Initially it was the realization that due to the nature of these relationships, I can't have certain things that a "normal" mono relationship would provide, a partner that can be with me emotionally and physically when I need them. Don't get me wrong, they were supportive, but not to the extent that I needed.
I understand that. It's the nature of their responsibilities and their life, but it still hurt. And I have realized that my feelings are valid. I can be hurt and feel those emotions and I am dealing with them.
At the same time, other stresses have made my situation more evident. Butter is having her "issues," and despite me needing more from the relationship, I have to emotionally check in with her and keep her going.
It has gotten to the point where I am finding that my emotional needs have not been being met and I need more. However, at the same time, she has been having more issues with her depression and has been needing more encouragement. I have found myself resenting her more and more because of her demands on my emotional needs and her lack of response to me. This resentment has caused me to be less responsive to her, but I have needed to be selfish.
Finally, yesterday, when I couldn't take the idle chatter and elusiveness from her, I asked if we could talk. I have been doing extensive readings and research on my feelings and what could be done to address the problem. I had decided to try and get to the root of the issue, to ask her--what are her daemons? What can I do to, in effect, make her more comfortable? Tell them my needs and why I have been feeling the way I have and my responses to her.
The problem is immediately she came back with "I don't want to be ganged up on!"
We have never done that, but when she has these irrational explosions she is prone to, you pretty much have to get in her face and call her out.
The last discussion, she kept saying we were cheating and having a relationship behind her back. There has been no such relationship. We asked for evidence. There is none, because there has never been any cheating.
Finally, after discussing it, she acknowledged it, but that is the way things have to be with her. You must literally beat a dead horse, repeatedly!
The problem was that I needed this convo to be about my needs, and how they were not being addressed, and how emotionally I felt like I give so much support and receive little in return. But I was hurt because, once again, my needs were swept under the rug and her issues were getting dealt with.
She finally agreed to seek professional help, which I want her to receive, not because I see it as help to our relationship, but because I see how sad and depressed she is. I have lived with that and don't want to see her go through it. It's scary and sad and you feel isolated and alone!
However, when do I get to have my feelings addressed? It pains me to say it, but I offered her a break to allow her to focus on herself and not have to deal with us. She accepted the break and I will respect her needs.
I guess my biggest issue is being selfish. I know that she needs this help. I have pushed and pushed for several months as I have watched her become more and more depressed. While she has pushed him and me away. While I have pushed back even when I was hurting myself. I don't like that I am resenting her and her feelings. I don't want it to be like that. I want to be able to care for her and show her the feelings I have, but at what price? Losing my sense of self and my own self preservation?
I am happy that she is taking the right steps, but I was being selfish yesterday. I needed it to be about my feelings and needs for once.
So now we are on this break. Butter said Bread can still text with me, and that she will when she can. I understand that. I hope that she will be able to find a happiness that will include me in their life. I worry that in this process of healing she will realize that this isn't what she wanted, or that I'm not what she bargained for. If that happens, I am willing to walk away. It will be painful, but I have to respect her feelings.
I don't know what I am even asking for. Some insight? Thoughts?
We met through Facebook. The husband (Bread) and I had a history in high school. Nothing major. We didn't even date officially. However, I was his first.
Apparently this couple had previously talked about introducing a girlfriend for them both to share. I came over one snowy night and we had sex. At the time it was thought to be a one-time adventure. Bread started developing feelings for me, more intense than what I think his wife Butter would have expected.
We discussed being exclusive. A relationship with them both. I was open to the idea, because I enjoyed each of their company, was physically attracted to them both, and we had a great time with each other. We enjoy same activities, etc.
The problems began when Bread started showing me lots of attention and expressed feelings towards me. I have had moments where Butter and I are close, but her "daemons" creep up and she "shuts herself out" (her words). I do really care for her, but she has a lot of emotional baggage that causes her to put up insurmountable walls that I have climbed numerous times. She admits that she closes people out rather than dealing with problems. She ignores problems. I'll admit I hate confrontation and dealing with issues as much as the next person, but she is really good at this. I have pushed and pushed for her to let me in, all the while developing deep feelings and connection with Bread, and juggling the balance of the relationship.
Our relationship has had numerous ups and downs. When things are good they are great. We laugh together, enjoy simply hanging out together. Butter and I share similar interests. Bread works night shift, so there have been lots of nights where we will have a "girls night in," when I'll spend the night. She and I usually "play" together. I enjoy the time we share together.
When Bread is at work and I am not there, he and I text frequently. We have a relationship via text because phone calls are not permitted. He and I will chat into the wee hours of the morning about everything. We have a very honest, romantic and flirtatious relationship that is limited to texting. When they are having their alone nights, I respect their time together and usually do not interfere.
The problem is that my feelings for Butter have not developed as rapidly as my feelings for Bread. I believe that the majority of this is due to her closing every door and window, not allowing me to enter. I care deeply for her. I have always said that I would never hurt her. I have even offered that if this is not what she expected, then I would leave.
I understand that when this all started, she expected someone for them to share, and she and I have just not reached the level of intimacy that he and I share. That being said, Bread and I have NEVER done anything that could be considered cheating. Neither of us have even considered it. He loves her and he loves what she has sacrificed for his happiness. I look at them and can see his love for her. And I care about her too much to consider hurting her in that way.
I respect their marriage, feelings, and family. They have two children of their own and a foster child that will be leaving in October. I honestly would never want to hurt anyone in that way and I truly do care about Butter.
There have been incidents in which alcohol makes him a bit more touchy. I have always been the "angel." At a party once, he took me aside and kissed me. I declined his advances. But the night ended with her berating me in front of their friends and talking about me to my face. Alcohol and emotions...
Bread and I have discussed this at length. He and I don't want a separate relationship. For one, I couldn't do for him all that she does. She homeschools their children, basically waits on him hand and foot, and is an excellent mother and wife. I'm not so domestic and have no desire to be. Not to mention, I like my life the way it is. I work hard and play hard. I have fewer responsibilities and that is how I like my life. Secondly, he doesn't want just me. He wants us both.
For the most part, I have embraced my role as a secondary. I have a demanding job and lots of responsibilities. As I said, I enjoy my life the way it is.
The problems have been creeping up more and more. Butter is going through an emotional roller coaster right now. I actually fear she is suffering with severe depression or manic depression. She and I have talked so many times about her seeking someone to talk to. The problems are not solely our relationship, but I do see its role in her feelings. She has suffered with bulimia, physical abuse and she has alluded to some sexual abuse.
I too had a severe episode of depression a while ago. I lost my job and my husband within the space of one month. I became suicidal and severely depressed, but with counseling and medications I have significantly improved.
I see the pain she has. I have encouraged her to get help numerous times. I understand how difficult admitting you need help can be. I have tried being supportive many times. Even when I was not feeling like giving emotionally (due to things occurring in my own life) I still made the effort. Many times my efforts go ignored or unreciprocated.
Recently I was sick and even hospitalized, and the limitations of the relationship became more evident. Initially it was the realization that due to the nature of these relationships, I can't have certain things that a "normal" mono relationship would provide, a partner that can be with me emotionally and physically when I need them. Don't get me wrong, they were supportive, but not to the extent that I needed.
I understand that. It's the nature of their responsibilities and their life, but it still hurt. And I have realized that my feelings are valid. I can be hurt and feel those emotions and I am dealing with them.
At the same time, other stresses have made my situation more evident. Butter is having her "issues," and despite me needing more from the relationship, I have to emotionally check in with her and keep her going.
It has gotten to the point where I am finding that my emotional needs have not been being met and I need more. However, at the same time, she has been having more issues with her depression and has been needing more encouragement. I have found myself resenting her more and more because of her demands on my emotional needs and her lack of response to me. This resentment has caused me to be less responsive to her, but I have needed to be selfish.
Finally, yesterday, when I couldn't take the idle chatter and elusiveness from her, I asked if we could talk. I have been doing extensive readings and research on my feelings and what could be done to address the problem. I had decided to try and get to the root of the issue, to ask her--what are her daemons? What can I do to, in effect, make her more comfortable? Tell them my needs and why I have been feeling the way I have and my responses to her.
The problem is immediately she came back with "I don't want to be ganged up on!"
We have never done that, but when she has these irrational explosions she is prone to, you pretty much have to get in her face and call her out.
The last discussion, she kept saying we were cheating and having a relationship behind her back. There has been no such relationship. We asked for evidence. There is none, because there has never been any cheating.
Finally, after discussing it, she acknowledged it, but that is the way things have to be with her. You must literally beat a dead horse, repeatedly!
The problem was that I needed this convo to be about my needs, and how they were not being addressed, and how emotionally I felt like I give so much support and receive little in return. But I was hurt because, once again, my needs were swept under the rug and her issues were getting dealt with.
She finally agreed to seek professional help, which I want her to receive, not because I see it as help to our relationship, but because I see how sad and depressed she is. I have lived with that and don't want to see her go through it. It's scary and sad and you feel isolated and alone!
However, when do I get to have my feelings addressed? It pains me to say it, but I offered her a break to allow her to focus on herself and not have to deal with us. She accepted the break and I will respect her needs.
I guess my biggest issue is being selfish. I know that she needs this help. I have pushed and pushed for several months as I have watched her become more and more depressed. While she has pushed him and me away. While I have pushed back even when I was hurting myself. I don't like that I am resenting her and her feelings. I don't want it to be like that. I want to be able to care for her and show her the feelings I have, but at what price? Losing my sense of self and my own self preservation?
I am happy that she is taking the right steps, but I was being selfish yesterday. I needed it to be about my feelings and needs for once.
So now we are on this break. Butter said Bread can still text with me, and that she will when she can. I understand that. I hope that she will be able to find a happiness that will include me in their life. I worry that in this process of healing she will realize that this isn't what she wanted, or that I'm not what she bargained for. If that happens, I am willing to walk away. It will be painful, but I have to respect her feelings.
I don't know what I am even asking for. Some insight? Thoughts?
