Where to go from here?

FragileKaos

FragileKaos

New member
It's been over a year since I posted on here and things have changed a LOT within my relationship. I am now engaged to my bf and couldn't be happier. We have had a couple of men that we've had as a third with us during the year. We both have became quite close to the last one, in and out of the bedroom.

During this year, however, my fiance has gotten closer to a woman he met during his job. Our original agreement when we opened our relationship was that he would not be physical with another woman unless I found a gf to share with him. He apparently has became very interested in this one, and even asked if I would let him have sex with her. I told him no. They have remained friends. I know he does care deeply for her. But I was afraid that I would be replaced. He has apologized for asking. He loves me, and is great to me, but I can tell that he isn't as completely happy as he was before.

He keeps kidding me, I think, about my other boyfriends. I have none. lol I've only played with the men that have played with us. Is it possible he's trying to let me know he wants to fully open our relationship, and change the rules, without pushing the issue of the other woman? Do poly relationships really work with individual partners?
 
Yes! And you have come to the right place! I encourage you to read, read, read this forum! Welcome!
 
Yes, it does sound like that and I would suggest you read as you have been doing in order to seriously but honestly consider whether you can do it.
 
I do not share my partners. Neither of my husbands would be okay being sexual with each other. I have separate equal relationships with both men. Guess what? Everything has gone just fine. Butch has no fear that Murf will replace him. Murf has no fear that Butch has a higher ranking than him because we have a longer history. I love them for themselves. Each man is an individual and means the world to me.

Any issues that have come up have been between one of the guys and me.
 
FragileKaos said:
Do poly relationships really work with individual partners?
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Yes. I have been with my gf for five years and we have only dated individually. We much prefer that.

The exception is, in the past two years I have had a bf whom she likes a lot, and vice versa. They do have sex together from time to time. I am not 100% cool with it, but trying to adjust. Ideally I'd prefer she get her own bf (or another gf) and he'd be content with me and his wife, and perhaps one other gf or bf. But hey, they like each other, love each other (to an extent), lust for each other, and voila, have sex from time to time, and kiss and cuddle a lot.

Funny. Because most couples first attempt dating as a unit. I actually did that with my ex-husband and it was rather disastrous. We found a "unicorn," and she fell for him and not me.

Now, I've got myself in a sort of natural triad... It seems weird.
 
Dagferi said:
I do not share my partners. Neither of my husbands would be okay being sexual with each other. I have separate equal relationships with both men. Guess what? Everything has gone just fine. Butch has no fear that Murf will replace him. Murf has no fear that Butch has a higher ranking than him because we have a longer history. I love them for themselves. Each man is an individual and means the world to me.

Any issues that have come up have been between one of the guys and me.
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My fiance is bi, so that's why sharing with other guys has been okay. Originally my fiance didn't want the others to have sex with me, but it happened with the second guy. He has been the most recent and regular friend. My man was proud of it. lol It was a new experience for me. I can spend lots of time cuddling with him, too.

How do you have equal relationships with each man?
 
Magdlyn said:
I have been with my gf for five years and we have only dated individually. We much prefer that. The exception is, in the past two years, I have had a bf whom she likes a lot, and vice versa. They have sex together from time to time. I am not 100% cool with it, but trying to adjust. Ideally, I'd prefer she get her own bf (or another gf), and he'd be content with me and his wife, and perhaps another gf or bf, but they like each other, love each other (to an extent), lust for each other and voila, have sex from time to time, and kiss and cuddle a lot.

Funny. Because most couples first attempt dating as a unit. I actually did with my ex-husband, and it was rather disastrous. We found a "unicorn," and she fell for him and not me.

Now, I've got myself in a sort of natural triad. It seems weird.
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That is very positive news for me. LOL My guy and I originally started out wanting a FWB kinda thing. And I wanted to experience him being with another man, as well. I wasn't really expecting the threesome thing, more than being there to watch, but we evolved. I've spent several mornings cuddling with our friend after my fiance went to work. We didn't plan or look for a third for us together, but it happened.

I think my biggest problem is adjusting to change. It has been him and me for so long, and even with the other guy, we are still together.

I moved here with him about three years ago, and left everyone I knew behind.
 
A lot of people who come from a monogamous mindset are under the mistaken impression that because another potential partner has the same kind of plumbing we do, it makes us interchangeable. Not true. We are all unique. We understand this with friendships. We have a number of friends and enjoy each of them for who they are. But when sex is involved, then suddenly someone else with a vagina can completely replace us??? (I am also female, btw.). It'd not logical.

Now, in polyamory, you do have to become accustomed to the idea that your mate may love another partner as intensely as your mate loves you. You may no longer be "the one and only." And your mate may no longer be your "one and only." You may have other partners whom you love as intensely.

Many find this a great cause for insecurity, because in traditional relationships, couples often end up no longer being individuals, but instead have a shared identity. In poly, you must have your own sense of identity.
 
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I am bisexual, but I wouldn't consider sharing a gf with either of my men. Neither of my men are interested in anything together or in a threesome. Honestly, it is one of those things where I think people come to it from different mindsets. I seriously can't wrap my head around 'sharing' a lover with my husband or boyfriend. Yes, we have much of the same taste in women, but an intimate relationship is just that, intimate.

I love sharing with my men, and they share back and forth, our lives-- work, kids, interests, hobbies, jokes, that kind of thing. We are open and honest about people we are interested in, and relationships, but there's not really any relationship crossover.

Personally, I cringe whenever someone mentions that because one person is bisexual, of course it will be a triad or threesome. I'm like, yeah I'm bi, but does that mean I have to have an intimate relationship approved by and shared with someone else? It's like telling me I can only watch a television show if you also like it and can watch it with me. If I watch a show alone, or one you are not interested in, that's it! The end! Wha???

Being sexually interested in the same cisgender person does not mean that you will obviously have the same experience. Just saying. Having separate interests and experiences is what makes you, you and him, him.
 
Vixtoria said:
I am bisexual, but I wouldn't consider sharing a gf with either of my men. Neither of my men are interested in anything together or in a threesome. Honestly, it is one of those things where I think people come to it from different mindsets. I seriously can't wrap my head around 'sharing' a lover with my husband or boyfriend. Yes, we have much of the same taste in women, but an intimate relationship is just that, intimate. I love sharing with my men, and they share back and forth, our lives-- work, kids, interests, hobbies, jokes, that kind of thing. We are open and honest about people we are interested in, and relationships, but there's not really relationship crossover.

Personally, I cringe whenever someone mentions that because one person is bi, of course it will be a triad or threesome. I'm like, yeah I'm bi, but does that mean I have to have an intimate relationship approved by and shared with someone else? It's like telling me I can only watch a television show if you also like it and can watch it with me. If I watch a show alone, or one you are not interested in, that's it! The end! Wha???

Being sexually interested in the same cisgender person does not mean that you will obviously have the same experience. Just saying. Having separate interests and experiences is what makes you, you and him, him.
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I actually agree with you that being bi does not mean you have to have threesomes. I am bi, as well. The threesome happened because of my curiosity, and my fiance's willingness to let me experience seeing him with another man... Me joining in just happened because of the chemistry the three of us have. I do like sharing our friend. But I don't think I'd want to be joining in with all of his guys (not that there have been many).
 
bookbug said:
A lot of people who come from a monogamous mindset are under the mistaken impression that because another potential partner has the same kind of plumbing we do, it makes us interchangeable. Not true. We are all unique. We understand this with friendships. We have a number of friends and enjoy each of them for who they are. But when sex is involved, then suddenly someone else with a vagina can completely replace us??? (I am also female btw.). Not logical.

Now, in poly you do have to become accustomed to the idea that your mate may love another partner as intensely as your mate loves you. You may no longer be "the one and only." And your mate may no longer be your "one and only." You may have other partners which you love as intensely.

Many find this a great cause for insecurity because in traditional relationships, couples often end up no longer being individuals, but instead have a shared identity. In poly, you must have your own sense of identity.
Click to expand...

Wow. The first paragraph makes perfect sense and something I hadn't thought about!! I came from a very controlling marriage.. So adjusting to my fiance's openness has been a real eye opener already. The new girl is almost completely opposite from me.. I think that is another reason I have been insecure about it... I kept thinking that I'm not what he wants if he's wanting her..
 
How do you have equal relationships with each man? Easy. I treat them both equally.

I spend 12-15 days a month at the home I share with Murf. If Butch is working on those days, then my kids come along. Sometimes Murf comes and stays at the house I share with Butch. When situations that require more care, for example, Butch had hernia surgery last week, he got me on a day that I would have seen Murf. There have been times Murf has needed me and Butch has said "Go take care of him."

It is not hard at all.
 
Something in your posts have caught my attention. You mentioned fear of being replaced, and being insecure, as reasons for not agreeing with the separate female relationship. While I can certainly empathize with those fears, kowtowing to them tends to make them stronger. I'm mono, and while I sometimes struggle with polyamory, the philosophy of confronting and disassembling negative emotions is dead center. When I first read advice that amounted to "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway," I thought it was just polys advocating to just let my wife do what she wanted, regardless of the consequences. But it turns out it can go a long way towards reducing the fears and insecurities, as you experience that your BF values all of his partners.
 
@Icewraithonyx... "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" That's something I've seen a lot on here. I guess that's something I need to do... Suck it up and just feel what I feel and let him show me what he says is true.
 
You have to trust the ones you love. If you don't, why do you have them in your life?
 
Dagferi said:
You have to trust the ones you love. If you don't, why do you have them in your life?
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I do trust him completely. If I didn't, I would have flipped out when he even asked about being with her. I trust that he's not going behind my back.

After a lot of thinking and reading, including the replies to this post, I really think that he has been giving me time and, in his own way, is letting me know that I can find another partner, as well.
 
I'm free to have another partner. That's something the hubby and I have discussed openly. I just don't have a need to find one. If it happens, it happens, and we'll deal with it. But I seem to be mono, for the most part. I've had the same fears and insecurities as you.

He's bi, and the idea of him being with another guy doesn't bother me at all. But he likes women, and that was harder. I spent a lot of time introspecting to determine why that bothered me, and specifically facing those fears. Sometimes, they were things I needed to address in myself. Sometimes they were things he could help me with. But I found that if he and I made sure my needs were met for affection, reassurance, and emotional stability, I could handle my own fears.

For his part, he keeps me informed, is very sensitive to my needs, and shows me he's not trying to replace me, and is committed to us. We are closer now than we ever were before, and my mental health is better.

Good luck on your journey!
 
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