Why am I not more excited about poly dating?

[Chloe1970m]

First I should mention I'm new to this but I know I'm not monogamous. I've cheated almost every time I tried, which is why I gave up on monogamy. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore.

So my situation is this. I have a friends with benefits I've been seeing for four months. Earlier on I asked him if he was open to being someone's primary partner and the answer was no because he hasn't gotten over his divorce. But he treats me well (like a gf in some ways) and the sex is phenomenal so I am still hooking up with him anyway.

I kept talking about dating to find a primary partner but put it off until recently (after he went on a couple of dates with someone new, although she has since disappeared.) So I finally went on a date with someone else and there was an attraction but not like my FWB, who I kept thinking about during the date. And I'm worried anyone I see won't measure up to him and definitely won't be as exciting.

But like I said, I'm not monogamous so why am I feeling this way? It doesn't seem to make any sense.

 

[vinsanity0]

You're right. It doesn't make sense. Perhaps you are still looking at things through your serial monogamist eyes.

Why does anyone need to "measure up" or be as exciting? You aren't looking to replace him, are you? Is he cool with you dating other people?

Really, just date people for who they are. I think The Big Hunt is just a waste of time. Have some fun. If someone comes along that seems like you want to have fun with them for a long time, then it will happen.

 

[Chloe1970m]

Yes, he is fine with me being with other guys. I'm not looking to replace him. I don't want to give him up. However, he is not emotionally available and I'm trying to look for someone who is. I think it's healthier than waiting around for him to start and finish grieving his marriage, which could take a year or two for all I know. The reason I want to avoid "just having fun" with others is that I don't want to end up in the same situation - in love with someone who is emotionally unavailable. I want a primary partner with a casual relationship or two on the side. I already have a casual relationship (the FWB) but no primary partner.

 

[GalaGirl]

Makes sense to me.

Dating is WORK. Takes time, costs money, have to put on your game face and get out there, sort out the compatibles from the incompatibles, etc.

And it also kind of sounds like you wish you FWB was up for being your primary.

So yeah. I could see why you are feeling kinda meh right now.

Galagirl

 

[Chloe1970m]

Galagirl, all of that is true. Plus I'm an introvert so there is a certain degree of feeling awkward on the inside while trying to appear sociable on the outside whenever I meet someone new, even outside the context of dating. I guess I just need to keep trying and see what happens. And thanks!

Makes sense to me.

Dating is WORK. Takes time, costs money, have to put on your game face and get out there, sort out the compatibles from the incompatibles, etc.

And it also kind of sounds like you wish you FWB was up for being your primary.

So yeah. I could see why you are feeling kinda meh right now.

Galagirl

 

[Ravenscroft]

My feeling is that we are raised to believe that "dating" is defined as the process by which we get a permanent life-partner, ASAP. When we succeed, there is no further need for dating, ever again. So, dating not only requires effort, but disruption of a comfortable rut, & admits to some degree of failure.

(I've discussed elsewhere how "going to the gym" is either part of the hunting ritual, or a way to get out of the house for structured distraction when there are relationship problems. When things are going well, gym usage plummets.)

 

[emgeemoto]

I'm in the same boat

I've been dating the best guy for about a year now. We have always maintained that we would see other people. I did date a lot of others in the beginning but he wasn't dating anyone else so I kind of stopped. Then he started dating someone else and I started dating again but everyone is not as good. I'm not like looking to replace him.", I just want to be treated well and "seen" for who I am. I go from thinking I'm maybe not capable of loving more than one at a time to wanting to have people to see and have fun with even if it's more casual to wondering why bother if they're not going to be a "great" connection. I'm not sure how to decide which of these is me.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Chloe1970m,

It sounds like you are looking for a primary partner, and you are seeing your FWB, but he is apparently not the primary partner that you seek. He would be more your casual relationship on the side, if you can find a primary partner. Unless he gets through the grieving process, then maybe he could be the primary partner that you seek.

I guess my advice is to continue to dating other people, while continuing to see your FWB. You could even tell him what it is you are ultimately seeking, but that might put undue pressure on him. Tricky situation, that is for sure.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Emmy]

. I want a primary partner with a casual relationship or two on the side. I already have a casual relationship (the FWB) but no primary partner.

I'll tell ya, if you have my weird luck... you might try looking for the opposite of what you want.

It seems when I look for a casual fling, I end up married. If I'm looking for something serious... I attract sociopaths or married-and-cheatings.

I find that dating goes better when I relax and meet with people free of expectations. If mutual attraction exists, I'll explore that with an open mind. If I'm getting the same dismal results (OKCupid) then I try somewhere else (social meetups).