Why Be Unhappy?

[SchrodingersCat]

Like most people, I believe strong foundations with compatible people maximize the chances of successful relationships.

I don't disagree that compatibility is easier than incompatibility. But my newfound revelation about learned behaviours vs true self is currently blowing my mind.

So if you have to "change who you are" to be with someone? No. But if you have to make some changes to "how you behave?" Sure, why not?

Who we are is innate and can't be changed. People try, but it doesn't work.

But you can change how you behave. Of course you have to want those changes for your own sake or they'll never stick, but often people require external motivation to make those changes. Change is hard.

One of the things I find the most rewarding about my marriage is that it pushes me to "be a better person." (I guess that's really a euphemism for "improve my behaviour.") When behaving like a jerk hurts someone you love, the motivation to change is strong.

Most of those behaviours aren't something I ever consciously chose or desired, they're just habits. I'm not attached to them and I even dislike many of them. Left to my own devices, they're not so damaging as to require actual effort to fix. But bring another person into the mix, and the damage potential goes way up.

That's the kind of "hard work" I'm always thinking of when I think "relationships are hard work." I don't mean incompatibility issues where you're constantly struggling just to get along on a basic level. I mean making positive changes to your own behaviour, triggered and encouraged by the presence of another person.

 

[SouthernFirefly]

I sincerely believed we were battling learned behaviors, not our own true selves.

This! This is where I find myself. Sometimes, like SchrodingersCat's DH asked, my DH will ask, "Why do we do this since it makes you so unhappy!?" And it is because I do believe we're battling learned behaviors and not the person that I want to be or really am in my heart.

I don't disagree that compatibility is easier than incompatibility. But my newfound revelation about learned behaviours vs true self is currently blowing my mind.

So if you have to "change who you are" to be with someone? No. But if you have to make some changes to "how you behave?" Sure, why not?

Who we are is innate and can't be changed. People try, but it doesn't work.

But you can change how you behave. Of course you have to want those changes for your own sake or they'll never stick, but often people require external motivation to make those changes. Change is hard.

One of the things I find the most rewarding about my marriage is that it pushes me to "be a better person." (I guess that's really a euphemism for "improve my behaviour.") When behaving like a jerk hurts someone you love, the motivation to change is strong.

Most of those behaviours aren't something I ever consciously chose or desired, they're just habits. I'm not attached to them and I even dislike many of them. Left to my own devices, they're not so damaging as to require actual effort to fix. But bring another person into the mix, and the damage potential goes way up.

That's the kind of "hard work" I'm always thinking of when I think "relationships are hard work." I don't mean incompatibility issues where you're constantly struggling just to get along on a basic level. I mean making positive changes to your own behaviour, triggered and encouraged by the presence of another person.

This is just so eloquently said! Thank you for taking the time to share this insight!

 

[scarletzinnia]

I think that being poly can enable us to stay in relationships that would not be tolerable if they were our only one.

I am thinking of my first poly boyfriend some years ago. We loved each other and our intellectual and emotional connection was off the charts wonderful. However, my physical attraction to him was not what it could be, and we had various physical incompatibilities that made sex very difficult and frustrating for me at times. Since I am a very sexual person, it was not a situation I could have stuck with had he been my only sexual partner. But I had one or more other partners, depending on when it was, with whom I had a much better sexual connection and a much more fun and satisfying time in bed.

In hindsight, I should have been just friends with that partner. But I loved him enough to try to give him what I thought he wanted, for two years. I learned from that situation and I wouldn't persist in a sexual relationship like that again.

In general, every poly relationship I have ever been in, including my primary one, has had its difficulties. I think I try harder than the average person to work through difficulties in relationships, since I generally feel very committed to the people I love. I am trying to get better at evaluating which connections are worth the effort and which are not.

 

[london]

We're taught that we will be rewarded of we struggle and settle for less than we desire. That is why people refuse to give up, remain unhappy and still believe that it proves good things about them

It's often said to be commitment, but it seems to simply be a commitment to being discontent, a lot of the time

 

[Dagferi]

Some people can not handle being alone...

Some people the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know.

 

[Searching4]

My viewpoint

My wife and I both admit we are very unhappy in our marriage. We got married early I was 20, she was 21 and have been married 19 years and have 3 children. I feel for my wife, as when when we met, we were both religious, and while she has kept her faith, my world views have changed dramatically.

I know that she is lonely and craves to share her life with someone who is better aligned with her viewpoint in life. Divorce is financially not an option, if it was I think she would take that route.

From my side, I am also lonely but value the relationship as I still very much love her. I will not cheat, my preference is that we would adopt a poly lifestyle so that we both have the opportunity to form bonds with others in the areas that we simply can't meet each others needs. At this point, her belief/moral stance is that such an arrangement is immoral and untenable, and so she would rather be unhappy in the hope that one day I will change.

 

[london]

My wife and I both admit we are very unhappy in our marriage. We got married early I was 20, she was 21 and have been married 19 years and have 3 children. I feel for my wife, as when when we met, we were both religious, and while she has kept her faith, my world views have changed dramatically.

I know that she is lonely and craves to share her life with someone who is better aligned with her viewpoint in life. Divorce is financially not an option, if it was I think she would take that route.

From my side, I am also lonely but value the relationship as I still very much love her. I will not cheat, my preference is that we would adopt a poly lifestyle so that we both have the opportunity to form bonds with others in the areas that we simply can't meet each others needs. At this point, her belief/moral stance is that such an arrangement is immoral and untenable, and so she would rather be unhappy in the hope that one day I will change.

Goodness.