Wide Awake

Yeah, like KD said :D


FullofLove1052 said:
Our counselling session was very productive. 120 minutes. We each had things we wanted to discuss, and we talked about them. Our therapist was just kind of there as a mediator or to let us know if we needed to correct something or if we needed to rephrase something. The most important thing is he knows I am listening and processing everything he is saying. It is not just hearing key words or replying with "mmhm," "yeah," "right." It is actually being engaged in the conversation, listening to his feelings and thoughts, and asking questions about what was just said or discussed.
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I found this to be one of the most helpful tools during counceling! It taught us a great deal about how to communicate with each other.
 
:D Your post just made me smile. I sense the happiness from the first word to the last smile.

It sounds like things are going well. If Matt is like my guy, he'll remember that dress. I have one in my closet from when we met at my cousin's wedding. He walked by me and said the dress was going to get me in trouble. My nickname for him is Mr. Trouble now.

What you learned in therapy is something I need to utilize. I have a bad habit of like just nodding and not being totes into the convo. I gotta do better.

I hope your lunch with your ex goes well. You have a good idea as far as working from the friendship side and working from there. It's totes fine that you're not sure that you wanna integrate polyamory back into your life. I'd be the same. I wouldn't be ready to jump back in the saddle either, and it ain't even my first rodeo. You'll figure out what you want and what's for the best.

♡ Bella
 
Good afternoon. I am home at last. I worked from 10-5, so that is more than enough time. It is Friday, and I wish I would work a full day. *hair flip* :D I am in too good of a mood to be locked in at work for hours and hours. It was relatively quiet today, and I am not on call this weekend, so I can sleep in, lounge in PJs, and spend time with my children.

Where to begin? I guess I will start with last night. I need nights like that every night. Since this is a new beginning, it could be described as Christening. We have not made love since the beginning of March, and I was missing it. We were at odds, and I am not one of those people who gets turned on and heated by arguing. It does the opposite. Do not get me wrong. Angry sex can be titillating and passionate. Those carnal kisses, hair pulling, back scratching, pillow biting, breaking things, pushing things off the desk/furniture, etc. can all conspire to a hell of a night. That is not what I wanted. I wanted passion, tenderness, and love. I think I wanted Matt so much because he was that person I could not have. It drove me batty. My Aussie Adonis was the one I was yearning for, but he was playing hard to get. Everything around us has settled down and is beginning to take shape, so it was to be expected that I would miss the physical connection right about now.

It was a great night. I feel closer to him, and that is not the post-orgasmic bliss speaking. I am still ascending from that high, but I am thinking clearly. Intimacy and lovemaking serve several purposes in the process of healing from damage or loss of trust. We addressed a few of those reasons during our session yesterday. It is a way to heal, reconcile, connect on a level beyond words, etc. I view it like a physical love letter, too. Yes, I can say, "I love you. I need you. I want you. I desire you." Yet, there is still nothing like showing the person you love. Before, during, and after, I felt like the sexiest woman alive, so it was a major confidence boost and even a self-esteem boost. I still have some of the curves from my last pregnancy, and I am self-conscious about showing certain parts of my body. It was comforting to know that he still thinks I am sexy.

This morning was equally beautiful. I enjoyed our shower and our breakfast for two at a local eatery. It is amazing how much I took for granted. The little moments are proving to be everything and then some. Even if I do decide to try polyamoury again, I want to make sure to keep these things in effect and a constant part of our lives. After our breakfast date, we picked up our children. I had morning tea with my mum, and she was looking at me with a very cheeky grin on her face. I had to ask her what the deal was? All she said was, "It is written all over your face, my dear." I do have this certain glow about me today. I cannot stop smiling, so it is obvious that I am a freakishly good mood.

The drive back to London was far from dull. Our daughter told us all about her time with her grandparents. They have always been part of her life, but just recently, it clicked like, "I have grandparents." She beams with pride when talking about them. I love my little duckies. When I became a mother, I knew it would be my greatest accomplishment, and it is the one thing that consistently brings me joy and endless pride.

We got home around 9, and we had to be at work for 10. We ended up watching "Good Luck Charlie" with our children before we left. I am all for family time, and that is a cute little show. I hated to leave them, but our nanny had a fun day planned for them. They came in after me.

Speaking of Si, we met up for lunch at Nobu. It was really nice to see her, We talked for the entire hour we were there. I used some of the communication techniques that I learned in counselling during our lunch, and she was definitely more at ease. We spent most of the time catching up. I missed having her in my life. Though there were times where we did not talk every single day, her presence was still missing. I am glad that we are talking now and on better terms. There is definitely a level of deeper understanding behind our actions. I look forward to strengthening our friendship.

I will be seeing her tonight and this weekend. She just picked up my daughter to take her to ballet practise. I think she said they are going to get manicures, indulge in a little retail therapy, and get dinner. Surprisingly, Matt gave the green light. I like that they are getting along for the sake of our children. It is a start.

So, yes. The first half of the day has been exciting, productive, and just plain awesome. I am about to go play with my son. I love to make him laugh. It tickles me. He is such a happy baby. My baby is almost 1. We need to start planning his first birthday party. Matt should be home soon, and I missed him today. I look forward to hearing about his day. We are going grocery shopping and cooking dinner together. This should be hilarious. Wish him good luck. I plan on sitting on the counter and drinking a glass of a wine while he cooks.

Here is to a laid back evening with my son and my hubby.

Ry
 
InAndOut said:
:D Your post just made me smile. I sense the happiness from the first word to the last smile.

It sounds like things are going well. If Matt is like my guy, he'll remember that dress. I have one in my closet from when we met at my cousin's wedding. He walked by me and said the dress was going to get me in trouble. My nickname for him is Mr. Trouble now.

What you learned in therapy is something I need to utilize. I have a bad habit of like just nodding and not being totes into the convo. I gotta do better.

I hope your lunch with your ex goes well. You have a good idea as far as working from the friendship side and working from there. It's totes fine that you're not sure that you wanna integrate polyamory back into your life. I'd be the same. I wouldn't be ready to jump back in the saddle either, and it ain't even my first rodeo. You'll figure out what you want and what's for the best.

♡ Bella
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Haha. We have an inside thing now behind that N. Rodriguez creation. The front was very modest and had cutout panels in the decolletage. The back featured bands that formed a web and an exposed zipper. It was very form fitting. Pippa Middleton eat your heart out. I enjoyed teasing Matt. When we got back to our room last night, we were sitting on the chaise lounge, and I leaned across him to get my clutch. He mumbled, "You play dirty." I sure do. :D

I am seriously beaming with happiness and joy. I am just enjoying my present situation and making the most of it. It is not what I expected, but I am enjoying every day. Anywho, I hope you are having a fabulous day. If not, I hope your weekend is everything you want it to be.

Hugs!
 
A real live encounter? Damn girl, that's awesome. :) May those happy moments keep on coming; sigh ...
 
kdt26417 said:
A real live encounter? Damn girl, that's awesome. :) May those happy moments keep on coming; sigh ...
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Yes! I hope they do, too. After almost two months of stormy weather, the sun is coming out. I just want to keep it on this positive path. I like being at peace with Matt and Si. Progress is happening. Bit by bit.
 
That's great ... I'm happy for all three of you.
 
I went out club hopping with a group of friends. Bodo's Schloss, LouLou's, Boujis (amazing crackbaby cocktails), and Mahiki. We went to VQ, so they could sober up. I am not big on alcohol. I am more of a wine connoisseur. Give me a glass of aged wine that has been chilled, and I am perfectly content.

Last night/the wee hours of this AM were worth it. I love to dance, and lately I have been so caught up in our marriage, work, my career, preparing to move, and everything. I never stopped to slow down. Weekly ladies nights are back. I used to be more into the partying scene and jet-setting. I tamed it down once I had children and started my career. It is okay in moderation, though.

During the sobering up meal, we were talking about our lives and catching up. My friends have always been fascinated by polyamoury and ethical non-monogamy. One of my dearest friends asked me if I missed having more than one relationship? I miss my ex, but it would not be fair of me to get back in a relationship with her knowing that I do know have the time to contribute to it. Aside from that, my heart would not be in it 100%. I am still a beautiful disaster and a masterpiece in progress. We are better off being friends for the time being. Our [mutual] friends had a joint name for us, and to lighten things up, they were like, "We miss calling you that." Though they are more mono minded, they were always supportive of my relationship with Si, and they all became friends over time. Our circles meshed well when they crossed. I do believe that some of them have taken our split harder than us.

My thoughts are kind of random right now, but I have stopped feeling selfish and guilty. Now that I am making amends and correcting my many mistakes, I am shedding the dead weight and coming into my own and my new normal. I have a new level of assurance. It has taken awhile to understand, but I am beginning to see where I am going. I am more aware of who I am, what I want, what I need, and how to keep peace and happiness in my life. A month and a half ago, that was the most distant thought. This path was on a road that had never been travelled, and I feared the unknown. It felt like being an artist with a block of marble and trying to figure out how to shape it and mould it into something to capture emotion and stand the test of time.

I am learning new things about myself every day. I am not harping on the past. I am focused on the future. I had to dig in my past to figure out the root of certain issues and to figure out a better way to handle those things if they arise again. I have never been the type to do anything halfway. I prefer to give my all, so if I am going to learn lessons and apply them from this moment forward, I have to see the full picture. I finally do. I cannot change anything that happened, but I can handle my behaviour and conduct accordingly. I have been given a second chance, and I know not to take it for granted.

I am happy that Si and I can have lunch, a glass of wine, or go out with friends without an argument ensuing. We have a long way to go, and it is not going to be an easy journey. Emotions are still high. Time will tell how everything will play out. I would like for it to continue moving forward.

Speaking of moving. We are slated to move in a few short months. As it stands now, we kind of own two homes. The one we live in now, and the home in Aussie land. This home has sentimental value for me. This is our first family home, and we have so many memories here. I know that it is a prime piece of real estate in a very coveted area of London. I am aware of the average price that homes in this area go for, but no amount of pounds can replace the memories here. This is the first home that we brought our children home, too. Matt and I definitely need to talk. I realise we are moving a world away, but I am not sure I want to let this home go. It is not on the market, and I honestly want to keep it that way. We will have to see what is more cost effective. Decisions, decisions, decisions.

I am off to take a shower and drift off to sleepyville. Clubbing wore me out. I knew there was a reason why I stopped doing it ages ago. Is it seriously almost 4:30 in the morning? Good grief. Good night, but technically good morning.

Ry
 
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In talking to Si, I discovered something. and I need to get those thoughts out. A piece of it is Si was jealous of Matt.

I had surgery on 29 April 2012, and Matt took four weeks of holiday time to be with me during the recovery period. I was discharged on the morning of 6 May, and I was immediately placed on modified bed rest. I had strict orders. I was grateful that Matt was there with me to keep me in shape and to stop me from breaking them. Could we have hired a nurse immediately? Sure, but I was happy that he was there. Admittedly, I was closer to him during the postop period. We bonded over the life we had created, and we lived together. Si was at work, and I saw her when she got off and such. I probably could not have done much to help with her jealousy then, but it did give me the chance to think. I can see how she would have felt jealous. Matt was there comforting me, keeping me company, talking to our son, and helping me out. We could not be intimate, but we established intimacy in many different ways. That was the closest we have ever been. I found new reasons to fall in love with him.

To give you an idea of how strict it was. I remember the first few days of the postoperative period were horrible. I had to stay in the hospital seven days. I was only allowed to have clear fluids. I was hooked to IVs. I was on oxygen because I was supposed to cough everything up after being placed under anaesthesia for the surgery. It was uncomfortable every time I coughed. In addition to all of that, I was on a fetal monitor, urinary cath, and epidural cath for pain management. I could not get out of the bed, shower, or lay on my back. It was rough during the postop/recovery period in the hospital.

Once I got home, I was not able to lift more than x amount. I could only do light activities. I was only allowed out of the bed for 15 minutes per hour. Sex was not allowed. I had to have 2-3 weekly ultrasounds. Due to the surgery for my baby's CCAMs, I am now required to have C-sections for any children I have. I was told that I might be able to make it full term. Some mums do. I was on medicines to prevent preterm labour. I made it to 34 weeks. The original goal was to get me to at least 37, but my son had other plans. Fortunately, he is healthy now and has no problems. It was a tough decision to have surgery, but it saved his life. Any pain I was in has been forgotten now.

My relationship with Si probably did suffer. My first priority was my son and his safety. A shift did occur after I delivered him. She was around much more, definitely more involved in our lives, and I could definitely sense that she wanted more of my time and attention. That was another point of it rubbing Matt wrong. I remember him coming to me in August or so. Yes, he and Si were building a friendship and ultimately a romantic relationship, but I think her constant presence was bothering him. It reminded me of not being away from someone long enough to miss them because they were always there or close. I know Matt addressed his concerns with Si. He did see less of her. He explained that we needed bonding time with the baby, and she understood how important the first few weeks and months were. We became more comfortable with being second-time around parents with a preschooler in the home. They started spending more time one-on-one romantic time together after we took a holiday to Walt Disney World. By that point, our son was five months old, and we had a handle on everything. They became official in early December. We know how the rest of the story goes. She did not stay away, but she was around more and more. With every day she was around, he grew more and more aggravated. He asked her to call before dropping in. She did not comply. She admitted that she tuned out what he wanted and asked for. By the end of January, I believe Matt knew the relationship would not work. He explained it in counselling. He tried to push aside the feelings of guilt, but he could not shake them. By the end of February, he knew with certainty that polyamoury was not for him and no amount of time was going to make him be more comfortable with the idea. He had accepted that he would never love Si and that he needed to end it. He wanted to end it face to face, but conflicting schedules and travelling interfered. By March, the relationship had to end, and it did in the first week of March.

I am trying to figure out if I could done anything different. During my recovery period, should I have spent more time at her home or more time with her in general? I was depressed, and I had a hard time. I was worried about my baby because there were still risks. The worst case scenario was him dying or only living a few months. I gravitated towards Matt. He made me feel safe and secure. He was a massive piece of my daily support during the whole ordeal. He kept my spirits up because he would not allow me to be down. I cannot tell you how many nights he held me while I cried and listened to me when I opened up about my fears and worries.

I do hope it did not come off as me showing favouritism. I know that I was still in a relationship with both and that things had to go on, but if I had given her more attention during that period, would things have turned out differently? Would she have still felt the need to be around so much after he was born? I have a lot of questions, and I guess I will never know the answers. She was jealous of the time he spent with me from April on. I did not ask Matt to take an extended holiday from work to be there with me. He did it of his own accord. I knew she had a household to maintain, so I never expected her to take a leave of absence to be at my beck and call. It does make me wonder if there was anything else she was jealous of. I suppose I should ask.


Ry
 
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The reaction of your friends reminds me of when straight people only know one gay couple, and they can sort of become weirdly overly-protective and overly-supportive of said relationship in their enthusiasm for feeling like they're good allies, like they're such good, upstanding, open-minded people for having this gay couple in their life.
 
Also, in response to your most recent post, don't feel any guilt about that period in your life. It sounds like you were dealing with so much, physically and emotionally, like you were barely getting by in some ways. The idea that YOU should have done more then to maintain your relationship is just unfair, you were trying to *survive*. Si is entitled to her feelings, but I know that, for myself, I would have felt immensely relieved to know that my partner had someone who could be there so much, and do so much to help them keep it together if I couldn't.
 
AnnabelMore said:
Also, in response to your most recent post, don't feel any guilt about that period in your life. It sounds like you were dealing with so much, physically and emotionally, like you were barely getting by in some ways. The idea that YOU should have done more then to maintain your relationship is just unfair, you were trying to *survive*. Si is entitled to her feelings, but I know that, for myself, I would have felt immensely relieved to know that my partner had someone who could be there so much, and do so much to help them keep it together if I couldn't.
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Yes, you are right. It is not really guilt. Something new emerges every day, and it just makes me step back and think about how I handled it or if it could have been handled better. In this case, I do not believe I could have done anything else.

It was a lot going on with me. Physically and emotionally. I am just like you. I would have been relieved to know that someone was there when I could not be. I know that jealousy would not have been part of it. Her feelings were and still are important.
 
One can also be both -- relieved AND jealous. Feelings don't have to make sense, it's how you choose to act that matters.
 
Hubby and I talked before we went to bed. I love that we are talking and constantly strengthening our communication. We decided to go salsa dancing, but it is kind of hard to talk when you are on your feet and feeling the music. Granted, our bodies were speaking a language of their own, but that is not the same. (Being fluent in the language his/her body speaks is fab, though.) I saw this advert a couple of weeks ago, and the song was so catchy. The beat stuck with me, and when I heard it again yesterday, it actually did make me dance.

We spent most of yesterday in Tunbridge Wells with close friends of ours. The weather was glorious, so we enjoyed the morning out and about in London. The last time we had clear skies and no chance of rain was ages ago. Our friends are expecting twins at the end of May, so we went shopping. Matt and my friend's husband did their own thing. I enjoyed bonding with my children and shopping for them as well as my godchildren. We had dinner at their house. I love to cook, so I gladly helped. We left around 7 and got back into London after 8. We did our nighttime rituals of bath time and story time with both of them. My son ended up falling asleep in my arms. I hated to put him in his nursery because he was sleeping peacefully in my arms.

Matt and I watched a movie and ate froyo. He asked me if I wanted to do anything tonight. *light bulb* Dancing! It did not take me long to get dressed. Usually, that would be a three hour process. We decided to go to two different clubs. One featured a live band, which is always an experience. I had forgotten how great of a dancer he is. The chemistry and heat were turned all the way up.

We need to go out more often. I love letting my hair down. Last night was the second night that I have been out. I love socialising and having a good time. It is a welcome change from the constant seriousness that had become our lives. What a difference it has made. I feel like a new me is emerging, and I love who she is and what she is about.

I am not the woman I was before. I made some very bad decisions and made an arsenal of mistakes. I am continuing to learn and grow. It is not bad because it feels like a new level of free. I can accept and understand why something had to change. I know that this is going to be a long road. I am finding myself and my way.

I see the changes in Matt. He is more firm and assertive in what he wants or needs. I have a deeper level of respect for him, and I hear everything he is saying now. Loud and clear. I hate the way things fell apart, but I think something amazing is on the other side of this mountain we are climbing.

Si and I will get to this point, too. I am supposed to see her and her parents today. My children's grandparents want to see them, so I am setting time aside this afternoon.

I am about to finish setting up for tonight's dinner party and go back to bed. I could not sleep comfortably knowing there was work to be done. We are hosting about 20 people. We wanted to keep it intimate. I thought about inviting Si and her parents to the dinner, but I could tell Matt was not entirely comfortable with the idea. I did not want him to feel obligated to say "yes" to please me. Her presence on anything more than a limited basis is still a limit for him, and limits must be respected. The last thing I want is either of them to be uncomfortable. There is no guarantee she would have said yes or felt comfortable enough to be around him either. It is better this way. I would hate for things to regress. In due time. No sense in pushing the issue or trying to force anyone's hand.

Happy Sunday and enjoy the rest of your weekends before you get back to the hustle and bustle of the week!
 
I am impressed with the grace with which you are handling these many new changes, boundaries, and whatnot. I think Matt and Si have made some efforts to do some things better, smarter, kinder, too, so all three of you deserve kudos.

It is wonderful to hear about the progressive direction things are going. I know that we have learned that there is such a thing as "false bliss" (the bliss of denial), and good things that turn bad later on. So I relate to your inclination to take in all this new good stuff with a bit of caution. I think the caution will help you a lot. It will help you avoid a lot of would-be mis-steps.

I'm still blissfully optimistic about the way things seem to be headed. I suppose some turbulence is inevitable somewhere along the way, but I think you will weather it fine -- no big shipwrecks this time.

I enjoy your blog and look forward to your new posts.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you, Kevin. I have no choice but to handle boundaries, changes, and limits with grace. I helped to create the mess, so it stands to reason that I should not dare to oppose much that has been suggested or needed by all parties involved. It takes quite a bit of willpower. The old me would have invited Si and her parents without asking Matt how he felt about it. The old me would have let her parents continue to be part of our children's lives without stopping to ask him how he felt about certain people being in their lives. As their father, he has every right to say who can be part of their lives. I was lacking consideration and common courtesy. I am forcing myself to get in the habit of asking instead of assuming, expecting, or feeling like it is owed to me.

I find myself wondering if there will be major steps taken backwards. I am all too aware of false bliss and even one-sided bliss. I do wonder how long things will continue progressing in this positive direction. I hate almost expecting doom or something bad, but after last month's apocalypse, anything goes this time around.

Turbulence is inevitable. The key is to continue handling things the opposite way that I did before and to continue learning from my mistakes. It has been hard to break those habits. I am breaking free from those chains every day.

I have to give credit to Si and Matt. I know it has hard for them to be civil on behalf of the children. I am sure they are probably working on themselves and taking something from the process. I notice that many people say poly helped them to look within themselves and work on personal issues that probably would have been swept under the rug in a mono relationship.

Thank you for the continued support. This blog is therapeutic. I have endless thoughts these days, and I am still struggling to find the positives in poly. I hope that one day that will change.

Ry
 
Hello, hello, hello.

I always do a check-in at the end of the day/night because there are always thoughts that cross my mind. I am in the midst of cleaning up before heading to bed, but I wanted to go ahead and do this.

Last night's dinner party was a success. I loved being a hostess. The perfectionist in me thrived. We spent most of the day cooking. I know there is nothing like a home cooked meal. My favourite part of the meal was the desserts. I made two. One for dinner and one for our guests to take home. The ones for dinner were miniature citrus cassata cakes with a strawberry persimmon compote, and the ones that I put in the adorable little gift boxes were miniature red velvet cakes filled with white chocolate mousse and fresh raspberries and drizzled with ganache. I put so much work into making the dinner perfect. From the colour of the roses to the shape of the mirrors under the floating candles to the fabrics and the lighting used in the room to the type of beverages served to the music. It was a stress reliever for me. I am over the moon that our guests enjoyed themselves and wanted to know when to expect the invitation for the next one! I am such a behind the scenes person that they thought I had hired someone to do everything. Flattery will get you everywhere. :D

My children and I left during the afternoon to meet Si and her parents. Hubby had a handle on things at home, so I was able to slip away. I stayed for a little while and chatted with them, but I decided to let them bond without me around. I did not want it to feel like a supervised visit. I just asked them to let me know what time they would be ready. I treated myself to a visit with my favourite hairstylist. I also got a facial, massage, and make-up. When I picked up my children, my daughter said they had an enjoyable visit. As expected.

I read something earlier, and it made me stop and think. I am not sure that I would expose my children to poly if I had to do it again. At least not until they were of the age to decide if they wanted that person or people in their lives. This person's comments made me think. She said that her daughter never had a say as to who could be in her life. She and her spouse just decided that for her. They invited their partners to birthday parties and to be part of that child's life. Now, her daughter is in her teenage years, has a brain that she uses, and is deciding who or what she does and does not want to be exposed to. The mother has an issue with that. Some part of me disagrees with that. Yes, as parents we are supposed to do what is best for them, but I think that could have drawbacks.

I know I did that to my daughter, and it became a problem because when things fell apart, who felt it the most outside of the adults? My daughter. I had to answer her questions like, "Did I do something wrong, mummy?" "Why does she not want to see me?" "Why was she not at my recital?" It was an endless list of why's, and she was blaming herself. My child was hurting, and never will I ever allow anyone to hurt my baby again. Especially when it is someone that I brought into her life and seemingly forced on her because this my way of living and my beliefs. I believe that part was truly, genuinely selfish of me. Add it to the list of another lesson learned.

I talked to Si about that, and I hope she issued an apology and explained it to her. I have not asked my daughter, yet, but what happened before will never happen again. If it does, she does not have to worry about Matt blocking her from seeing them. I will do it and shut off every last drop of communication. My son is not old enough to care. As long as he has my milk, food, attention, a dry nappy, and someone playing with him, he is happy and delightful as ever.

As their mother, it is my job to protect them as much as I can. I apologised to my daughter because I let this person be in her life, and she subsequently ended up getting hurt. Not okay in my book at all. My daughter may only be four, but she has feelings and rights. This burden was too much for her and entirely unfair. I disagree when people say that she will not remember this. Children have a funny way of holding on to the negative things and carrying them through life, and I would hate to see my indirect actions contribute to any potential issues.

All around, I am more cautious and more aware.
 
Well I can see your point about involving Si for the wrong reason, and perhaps in the wrong manner, such as Matt not being 100% on board with Si's level of involvement. In your situation especially, you should make sure that Si's involvement doesn't become something that could hurt the children.

I think you acted out of an ideal you had in your mind of how a poly family would look. You assumed Matt shared that ideal, and hence, a conflict was brewing. The situation detonated, and now you're in the midst of a clean-up. A mess to prevent in the future.

But in more general terms, I would say that parents (and often other adults) do choose who their children will associate with. First of all the parents choose themselves, to take on that parental role in their child's life. It's not the child's idea. But we still assume it's a good idea. And then I think how as I grew up, I was encouraged to spend time with aunts, uncles, and cousins. I didn't mind it (though I lost a bit of my taste for it when I got older).

So, if a house has a particular aunt hanging around all the time, and then there's a falling out with this aunt, in hindsight maybe she wasn't the right call for the kids, but it was still the parents' call. Even minus the aunt, if a conventional couple divorces, then again adults that were "always there for the kids" are now divided up. The point is, there's a risk factor in putting any adults into a child's life. As a parent, you make that call and hope you're doing it wisely. If something doesn't work out about it, you work on the mending and moving on, and possibly removing the adult in question from the child's life, depending on the situation.

If Si is willing to make things right where the kids are concerned, then she is okay to stick around. I imagine the move to Australia is going to change a lot of things though, unless Si is going to move also after all.

But I'm not trying to flatter you that it was no mistake to involve Si with the kids in the first place. Rather, I guess I'm saying it was a call you would have had to make one way or another, as a parent. Probably the main mis-step there was not involving the other parent (Matt) more in the decision.

I think the kids will be more forgiving and understanding than you would expect. It's not un-fixable. Taking it one cautious step at a time will get you there.
 
If--and that is a huge if--I ever decide to be in another relationship, that person will not be around my children. That is a hard limit.

I have always been cautious about who I let be involved in their lives. They have no relationship with my father's family. They are poisonous. I cut them out of my life at 11 or 12. I was respectful, but they were not invited to birthday parties, anything involving my wedding, gradations, or any part of either pregnancy. To this day, they have never my children. They are not missing anything, so their lack of presence is no problem.

I just cannot shake the thought that it was a bad move from the beginning. I am limiting contact. My child may be forgiving, but in talking to her this morning, I know her trust is not where one would think it should be. It was in the questions she was continuing to ask. "Is she going to leave again?" I could not lie to her and say yes or no with certainty. She is in the stage where she likes promises. I cannot promise something like that. It is able to be fixed, but there is unexpected reluctance in the form of my mini me. I think I may give her time and let her make her own decision regarding this.

I agree that Matt should have been more involved and had more say. That would be like him introducing my children to those relatives I do not want them exposed to and expecting me to just deal with it. Instead, he understands why the ties were severed and why there will be no relationships formed with any of them.

We are their parents, and we should be deciding who can be in our children's lives. Albeit late, we are doing that now. Overdue does not even begin to describe it. Moving will definitely change it. It may not even be because of me or Matt. Our daughter knows who she wants to be around. She has no problem saying that she does not want to be around this child or that child. She went on a playdate, and we always ask for a rundown and if she had fun. She flat out said that she did not really like her and did not want to play with her again. She was like, "Mummy, she was trying to get me in trouble." Sure enough when we asked, she was right. She said that she had to separate them because of this other child. I was expecting her to have some cheeky little reason like she would not share with me or something like that.

We will see how things will turn out between Si and my mini me. I wonder how it would work if she says that she does not want her in her life. We have been careful not to say much about Si. I know it was hard for Matt to bite his tongue and refrain from saying anything negative before.

Underneath their fake smiles, it is still a fairly volatile situation. I know he is not saying anything to sway our daughter. I also wonder how long they are going to be able to keep up this act. Somebody is going to crack. I feel it in my heart. The only agreement is to get along for our children. How long can that really last?
 
I have avoided addressing this, but there is a massive elephant in the form of Matt and Si. I am waiting for it to explode. I know I should be optimistic and hopeful, but please. After the battle last month, I know it is coming. I feel it in my heart and soul. There is only so much time before one or both crack under the pressure of being tolerant of one another. I have to call it like it is. They do not like each other, and the only interactions they have are forced and certainly not genuine. They are more of an obligation to our children. Matt likened it to having wisdom teeth extracted with no drugs.

Realistically, Matt does not want Si around our children for any reason at all. That is clear, and he has been blunt regarding that. "I am only going along this because of them, and most days, that is still not enough. I do not like her. I tolerate her because I have no choice and what I say really does not matter." His opinions are very strong. I try to limit their interactions any more than necessary outside of work. Every move is being carefully orchestrated. The other day is an example. She came by at 5:45 or so to pick up my daughter. He walked in a little before 6. They just barely missed each other.

He does not want to hear about her unless it pertains to something regarding our children like she will be at ballet class or if she/her family wants to see them. Here is the problem. I know that when he agrees, he is doing it begrudgingly. I know it is not what he wants, but I do not know how to approach that. Do I continue to go against what he wants just like before? The difference now is that I know what he does and does not want. I am hearing him loud and clear, but I am still going against him. You cannot tell me that will not cause problems again. I already went down the path of ignoring him, and we see how that turned out. I am not trying to do that again, so I think something may have to change. I am torn.

When he suggested that we make peace, that was a catch-22. Make amends with her because life is short, but keep her away from him and know that she will never be part of his life again.

I realise that Si has been part of their lives since before birth, but I cannot help but wonder if I should put some distance in between them. Either way it goes, it does not seem fair to anyone. I have been urged to remember my children and their well-being. I am doing that, but at the same time, I have to remember that children can sense things. If Matt is sitting there with a clenched jaw and struggling not to say something that could potentially cause an argument and Si is doing whatever she is doing, I know my daughter can sense the tension between the two. How healthy is that for her when it is all said and done?
 
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