Wide Awake

Yes, it rings true. I am somewhere between two and three. I let go of the pain when I was able to release it and stop holding it in. I could jump up and down on the furniture in my therapist's office and and yell until I am blue in the face, but it was more of a release to actually say the words directly to Si. In therapy, it just felt like a one-sided conversation. I was able to get feedback and ask questions that only Si had the answers to. The conversation provided clarity and understanding.

While I do not condone what she did or consider her apology absolution, I am empathetic. I do appreciate her apologising, and I believe the apologies were sincere. I am not completely shutting myself off from her. In some ways, I find myself taking Matt's approach and trying to find something good in every one. She made rotten choices, but I do not think her core is rotten. I have no idea what the future holds, but if we can reach a place where trust can grow and an honest friendship can blossom, I am okay with that.

Something that has struck me about those four levels is that the higher the level, the more it tends to require the participation of the person who hurt you. You could let go of the pain without any effort on Si's part, perhaps without Si even caring whether you forgave her. But now that she is beginning to participate, and is beginning to take action and begin the repentance process by expressing regret for what she did and owning up to it, it seems to make it possible for your heart to open up to her just a little. Maybe even do something (just a little something) nice by giving her a hug.
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I noticed that as well. Truthfully, there was no awkward energy between us. It was reminiscent of talking to an old friend that I had lost contact with. Am I happy that she owned up to it and is taking responsibility? 100%. That little act just might be the beginning of her getting back into my good graces. We are a long way away from daily contact or being buddy buddy, but I can respect her taking responsibility and admitting her mistakes. Time can supposedly heal what has been hurt.

In any case, it would be hard for both you and her to go as far as that fourth level. My brother says you have to give the offending party a reasonable set of steps they can follow to regain your trust. Well, I am thinking the quest Si would have to accomplish would be that she would have to regain Matt's trust before she could regain yours.

I can't imagine how Si would accomplish that. I don't know where Matt is in terms of forgiveness level but I'm sure it's far from the fourth level. I wonder if it would help if Si wrote Matt a hand-written letter? I'm sure Matt wouldn't be willing to meet her for lunch or tea, but maybe he'd be willing to read that letter (without crumpling it up). If so, it would give Si a chance to apologize to him, and own up to what she did.
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Matt is the key piece. He tries to see the good in people, and if she apologises directly to him in whatever form, he might be receptive to the idea of giving her the chance to earn his trust back.

I cannot definitively say what level he is on. He is able to talk about her without changing the subject or getting irritated at the very mention of her name. Does he want to be around her? I am sure he would prefer to keep it like it was the first eight years. Minimal to no interaction. He has no interest in telling me who I should and should not be friends with, so as long as I keep them apart and her away from our children, he is not likely to say anything.

It is quite possible that he has forgiven her, though. He is devout in his faith, and if he felt like God was displeased with his dislike of Si and the harbouring of ill feelings, I am sure he found a way to reconcile both. He has been in therapy for months, and I am sure his feelings regarding Si have been discussed. It would seem as if he was at peace with it. Yesterday was the first time we talked about Si in more than passing.

I was a bit thrown off by him not checking out of the conversation and actually engaging in dialogue. That was not what I expected. It is possible that he might be willing to meet with her face to face. I think he would be receptive to a handwritten letter, and he might be willing to talk to her face to face with some type of signed agreement stating how it will and will not go down. I am not refereeing or chaperoning any meetings. After the last public display of foolishness, he might not trust her to behave and conduct herself calmly and rationally. The reluctance will probably stem from her side. It was easy to face me and own up, but could she do the same with him? I know him well enough to say that he will give her the chance to speak her peace, but he has no filter. If he is thinking it, nothing will stop it from coming out. I attempted to protect her feelings while being direct and carefully selecting my words. If she takes offence to anything he says, face to face interaction would sour in about 15 seconds flat. History has a way of repeating itself. They are petrol and fire. Volatile and flammable. A video chat might do the job. If it gets too intense, end the call, walk away, and take a breather.

Of course, even doing all four levels would not mean that you could let her back into your life again. It's not a matter of trusting her. The fact is, there simply isn't room for her in your life anymore. You have found out that polyamory doesn't work for you. I suppose the best Si could hope for (hypothetically) is to become a cordial friend, though not one who could ever see the children. How could she ever regain their trust? It is a riddle; perhaps there is no answer.
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Absolutely. There are no guarantees that I will be able to fit her in my life as a friend. I am willing to try should the opportunity present itself. Romantically, we are done. There will be no reconciliation, and if the hopes for one are alive, they need to be dashed right now. It has been a day shy of a year since we broke up, and if I had any interest in renewing a romance, it would have popped up by now. I doubt she would ever regain my child's trust. She wants nothing to do with her.
 
I would say that you definitely don't yet trust her (yet) in the sense that

  • you don't yet entirely trust her motives,
  • you don't trust her to keep it together if Matt gets too forthright with her.
I would not rush into anything with her, I would let some time go by and let her be the one to take the responsibility for initiating contact, in whatever form. Sometimes it wouldn't be appropriate to trust a person, if they haven't (yet) followed the necessary steps that would make trusting them make sense. Si has taken a few tentative steps, but has many more steps to go.

It sounds like that situation is actually more hopeful than I thought it was, so that's a comfort to hear.
 
Not much going on. I have pneumonia again. I found out after about five days of feeling bloody horrible. My symptoms are quite similar when I have a cold or allergy/sinus issues, so I was not overly concerned until I started sounding like a wheezing dragon. How the hell did this happen again? I literally just had it in January/February. My GP suggested seeing someone who specialises in pulmonology as a precaution. Physically, I feel fine, but I will be getting checked out because in almost 34 years of life, I had never had pneumonia. Twice in a short span? I am inclined to believe there is an underlying cause. (I am trying not to let my mind think of worst case scenarios.) I am on a longer and more aggressive course of antibiotics and on a very strong cough suppressant/expectorant that is apparently a sedative, too. It leaves a lingering metal taste for hours. When everything tastes like metal, it is not exactly pleasant. Nasty side effects vs. not coughing up a lung...oh joy. It has been a bottle of surprises of most unwelcome kind. I took a dose last night, and it was a struggle to keep my eyes open or lift my head. Eventually, I just fell out and did not wake up for hours. Nonetheless, I am good spirits and taking it easy. The good news is I had already started my holiday to coincide with their term breaks, so I was not forced to scramble because of work.

We are departing for the UK in a bit under an hour. I will have plenty of time to rest over the next couple of weeks. I was given clearance (and two additional injections in my hip) to make the trip. We are not due to return here until the evening before Easter Sunday. Resting adequately is mandatory, so when we get to London/Weybridge, GP's orders will be followed. I hope everyone is doing well. :)
 
Hmmm, I wonder if whatever bug caused the pneumonia didn't really quite die out completely. Maybe it sort of went into remission? In any case, I think you are wise to have a specialist take a closer look.

Enjoy your trip and get as much rest as you can.
 
FullofLove1052 said:
I am on a longer and more aggressive course of antibiotics and on a very strong cough suppressant/expectorant that is apparently a sedative, too. It leaves a lingering metal taste for hours. When everything tastes like metal, it is not exactly pleasant. Nasty side effects vs. not coughing up a lung...oh joy.
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Sympathies! Whatever this junk is, it seems to go around twice and then linger forever. I too am still trying to cough up a lung 2 months later, but luckily no wheezing. I'm on double doses of sinus/allergy meds with a nasty nasal spray that makes everything taste like metal also. It's frustrating to see no end in sight. I wonder what it will be like to taste things normally again?

Have a good trip, get lots of rest.
 
We made it to London on Sunday afternoon, and it has been wonderful to be back. I have especially enjoyed visiting our old haunts like shopping on King's Road, waking up and seeing Regent's Park, Bubbleology, LouLou's/5 Hertford, our friends, our family, and our home.

We are staying in our home instead of in a hotel. The last months in this house were not exactly happy or pleasant, and I am finding that when I walked in on Sunday, a flood of bad memories and unhappiness waved over me. It was no longer that happy place I once remembered. When I was alone earlier this week, I walked on all five floors, and the nostalgia was not there. All I could remember were the arguments over the years and a lot of miserable moments from last year. I did remember some happy moments, but then I started wondering, "How many of those "happy" moments were just to prevent an argument, Matt stifling his discontentment, or to keep me from bitching?" Where is the joy in knowing that we are back in our first marital home? Where is the joy in knowing that this is the home where we brought our children home from the hospital? I do not know what is wrong with me, but I am trying not to let it get to me. I would hate to be a Debby Downer and insist that we stay elsewhere for the remainder of our trip. Here is to hoping this is temporary. I used to love this home.

This is our oldest's first visit to the UK, and she has been on a happy high. We have went above and beyond to make this a memorable trip for her. It gives me joy to see her smiling, laughing, and having the time of her life. She has found joy in every moment. I guess I took things for granted. I have an affinity for London, and being away has made me appreciate it more than ever.

She has never been to Paris, so we are flying there tomorrow. We will be flying back early Sunday morning, as we are due to attend church with my parents. I am looking forward to Sunday lunch/dinner with my parents, siblings, nephews, etc.

I am feeling better, so I have been getting out more. I have gotten plenty of rest. My mum has been watching me like a hawk in the sky, and to make sure that I comply with GP's orders, she has taken up temporary residence in our home. She makes sure I take every pill, breathing treatment, and dose of cough suppressant. I will not complain because she has been spoiling me and cooking all of my childhood favourites. Plus, my children love having their grandmother here.

My ex and I are on speaking terms. We have exchanged a few text messages here and there. I video chatted with her for almost an hour while we had a layover in Singapore. Matt actually said "hello" to her. When you are in the air for 20+ hours, you have nothing but time to talk, so it was interesting to hear his explanation regarding forgiveness. He said that he has [surprisingly] forgiven her and is not completely opposed to the idea of talking to her in a controlled setting like via Skype. He is more devout in his faith and believes that part of being a Christian means being able to forgive--not for them but for yourself. I have to applaud his efforts because several months ago, the mere mention of her name was enough to cause a negative reaction. I am not rushing towards a friendship or cordial interactions between them. At this point, the exchange of one or two words between them is sufficient. As long as I respect his wishes not to have her around him or our children, that should keep potential confusion down.

I have enjoyed my conversations with Si. I managed to lose all of Matt's trust, so I know how much work goes into earning it back. It was a mutual effort. Give and take, if you will. She took a few steps, and I am taking a few by extending opportunities for her to earn mine back little by little.

I have only seen one member of my paternal family. I had high tea with my aunt in Taplow. I have chosen not to see the rest of them. They thrive off of drama, bringing up the past, and just ridiculousness. There is a reason why they have not met any of my children and why they have no access to me. They do not know that I am here, and I want to keep it that way.

Outside of that, I am taking it easy, recovering, and enjoying my family. I hope everyone is doing well!
 
Sounds like the only fly in the ointment has been the negative memories your old home has stirred up. Maybe this trip can be the beginning of sowing some new memories in that home?

Kudos to Matt for sticking to his faith and practicing forgiveness. Likewise kudos to you. Si doesn't have to become a big part of your life, but it probably feels like less of a burden to be able to talk with her in a relatively warm and friendly manner.

Glad that pneumonia is starting to recede.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Good morning. Happy Easter to those in the States and Happy Easter Monday those who celebrate it. I am in excellent spirits for no other reason than the fact that I woke up today and was given the chance to try my hand at this thing called life again.

We are back in Oz after a whirlwind hols in London, Paris, and a 13 hour layover in Singapore. We left the airport and spent the entire day at Universal Studios. The day trip to Singapore was quite fun. It was not the original plan. Our connecting flight to Oz was delayed four hours from its destination, and the next flight all of us could get on did not depart until almost 10 PM. They had one-three seats on the other flights or they were arriving too late. It was a mess, but the airline handled it and offered us freebies for our inconvenience. We made it home at 6:14 AM on Easter morning, and we were able to attend the [Anglican] family worship service at 9 and the Solemn Mass at 11. It worked out beautifully, and yesterday was a lovely day. It was our first Easter with our oldest and the first Easter in our new home, so it was already a special day.

I am feeling much better. I am due for another chest x-ray this week, so fingers crossed that the infection has cleared up for good. I am not trying to be back at my GP's office in another eight weeks with pneumonia again. No complaints, though.

Being back in our old home did turn out to be a trigger for me. Ironically, I was worried that it would be a trigger for him. It was awful the first few days. I spent as little time there as possible. I have not figured out what the trigger was, but I am working on it. I thoroughly enjoyed our hols. It was our oldest daughter's first visit to Great Britain, so it was special and great for making new and happier memories. My paternal family did not know I was there, so I did not have to worry about them bringing up my past life or anything that could lead to drama. It was peaceful and just what I needed for my recovery.

Si and I have talked quite a bit over the past couple of weeks. We are rebuilding slowly. I missed talking to her and just her presence. She made some bad choices, but at some point, she was a good and decent woman and friend. We used to be friends, so there is hope. We have agreed not to rehash the past and to move forward. Therapy is not off the table. I am not foolish enough to believe that we can do it all on our own. I have no desire to bring it up, but I am all for learning how to effectively communicate and blend our styles. I have said everything I needed to say regarding that situation. I do not feel any anger towards her. I have every intention of respecting Matt's clearly expressed wishes. More importantly, he trusts me AND my judgment regarding her, so in that sense, I do have something to lose. My eyes are open, and I am cautious and more aware. I am looking for red flags.

She invited me to her birthday dinner later on this week. I might make an appearance. My schedule is clear that evening, and Matt has plans with friends. Our children's nanny offered to watch them, so there is nothing really stopping me. During her birthday last year, I did not see her in person. I think I might have told her happy birthday via Skype or FaceTime. It has definitely been less of a burden to be warm and kind towards her. It is not costing me anything, and I am not losing anything in my marriage. I have softened quite a bit towards her. Disliking her weighed me down and caused me unhappiness. How was that affecting her or her life?

There is one drawback to being friendly towards her. My dislike of her masked any feelings that might have been left over. Since I am warming up to her again, the mask is being lifted. I do still have feelings for her. I am not surprised. I figured they were still there under all the dislike. I invested almost 13 years, so it is not unrealistic to feel something. I love her, but I can say with certainty that it is not romantic love. Talking to her has elicited that "old feeling." I am not in love with her, and I do not want to rekindle a relationship or start one with anyone for that matter. The desire to date is not there. I feel strange having feelings for the once perceived and proven enemy. I feel like a traitor. To who or what? I have no bloody idea. The situations I get myself into.

It is in my best interest to ignore whatever I feel for her and keep her at a safe distance. It is not because I do not trust her. I do not trust my ability to realise and process when something is amiss. I have taken this fork in the road before, and I know what the next series of novels entails. I do not want to get caught up in emotions and feelings. When that happens, all common sense and logic shoot to hell. I have already worn the rose coloured glasses once, and I am not going to do that again. I had a soft spot for her in the past, and nothing good came of it. If I reach the point where my feelings start clouding my judgement and causing me to miss red flags, I will cease all contact. Lessons learned and vividly emblazoned in my mind.

We finally have the date for our meeting regarding the approval or disapproval for adoption: 1 May. I am quite calm. Praying for the best and secretly preparing for the worst case scenario. It is out of our hands, so I am not going to worry myself to the point of distraction. Keeping calm and carrying on.

I am off to cook breakfast for my duckies. They are returning to school on Wednesday, but they are out again on Friday. They should have just given them the entire week off. I hope everyone is doing well and enjoying quality time with their families and loved ones. Happy Easter (or Easter Monday) to everyone!
 
Thanks -- I am such a stick in the mud when it comes to holidays, I just sit at my usual spot on the computer. :)

As for Si, I think the secret is to take tiny steps and carefully analyze your mental/emotional state after each step that you take. I doubt you would, like, start going out with her or something. You've been through too much to go down that rabbit hole again. But keep an eye on your state of mind and proceed with caution. I actually think your blog here is a great way to do that.

It sounds like things are going pretty well in general. The scary part is the May 1 meeting. My fingers are crossed for you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I generally have an aversion to holidays. I am learning to make a big to do about them because of my children and their insistence. If I had my way, we would be tucked away at a resort in the middle of the ocean with limited to no cell coverage, WiFi in the room only, spa treatments, plenty of sunshine, white sandy beaches, and fruity cocktails. I could skip most holidays and be happy. (I think I need to check out Luxury Lodges of Australia and New Zealand for my next weekend getaway.)

I have definitely been doing that. I have been double and triple checking myself and my overall state of mind. I question everything I do and say and if they are emotionally driven decisions or not. It is best to keep my emotions and feelings compartmentalised and separate from the rational and logical side of my brain when it comes to her. I can just see myself falling into the rabbit hole again. I am not one who thrives off dysfunctional, unhealthy relationships, but some people love them and love even more fiercely while in one. I can forgive and agree not to bring it up, but I cannot forget what happened. I am going to keep myself in check, though. I think I will use my blog as a way to work out these thoughts and feelings. If I was still in therapy, I could devote some of the time to discussing this matter, but that is not an option.

Everything is going well. Thank you. We found out the date on Thursday. I was not expecting it to be so soon. I just knew we would have 60-90 days or something. Fingers crossed over here, too.

I hope everything is going well with Snowbunny and your brother-husband.
 
Brother-Husband might have been bummed that we didn't do anything special for Easter yesterday, and I'm in some kind of funk today not sure why, but basically we're doing alright.

Keep us posted on how that meeting goes. (Hoping hoping hoping)
 
The meeting is in a few hours. Nervousness has taken over. I had the chance to talk to other adoptive parents who succeeded at gaining approval. Most say the home study has nothing on this. One described their panel as all over 50 and likely to have not parented any child in this generation. Another said their views are antiquated, outdated, and minimally progressive. She also said it felt like they were seeking reasons for non-approval. Go figure.

I was strongly considering being open about my past. I now realise that very honesty will likely cause us to lose our child. I have read the laws from beginning to end. There are endless pages part of this state's Adoption Act, and I have read every single word. I have posed questions to our legal team and the social worker. There are no gray areas. It would be like playing Russian Roulette if I wanted to blaze a trail. I am praying for the best, but I am bracing for the worst. I have learned about the appellate processes for the various steps. I am not in good spirits today. I really am grinning and bearing it.

Sad but true: I have serious regrets about my past. The whole damn thing. I have been doing everything humanly possible to erase any trace of what used to be. Honestly, I am ashamed of my past and all choices surrounding the decision to be a polyamorist. I feel foolish. I wish I had never come out. I want to erase all of it. Shame is a new feeling that no one prompted. It is not just this meeting and the possibility of losing our child. I have been feeling this way. Matt thinks this is just stress, but it goes deeper than that. I will expand on this later.

I hope everyone is doing well.
 
I can't imagine how much stress you must be under with this meeting looming overhead. Man if you have any Xanax or Valium now might be a good time to take a few.

That's too bad to hear about the kind of panel you'll be facing. I just hope their bark is bigger than their bite.

Good luck.
 
Good Luck with the panel!!!

As a parent, as a wife, daughter, friend, etc we all have regrets and moments that haunt us. I could have done ____ so much differently, OMG, I can't believe how stupid I was, If only... Stress will magnifying everything and give us tunnel vision where we only see the bad and shines the spotlight only on our part in it. When the stress clears, there will be a bigger picture and things won't feel so all encompassing.
 
Can I Breathe Now?

Thank you both!

Yesterday was stressful, but I am glad it is over. It was interesting and informative. There was nowhere to hide, and all eyes were on us. We were forewarned that even if our social worker had recommended us for approval, it would not matter if they were not in agreement.

My confidence wavered a bit. I felt guilty at times and like I was perpetrating a lie. At moments, the stress made me want to scream out the truth, and my husband knew it. He gave me a reassuring glance like, "You can do this." Meanwhile, he was cool, calm, collected, and charming.

In total, there were 20 pages of questions. They had ten primary levels of suitability criteria. Fair enough, right? Well, each primary level had 2-10 secondary levels of questions to complete the picture. They asked questions like: "Have your respective upbringings influenced your parenting style," "Do you and your husband agree on routines," "Have you established a routine that consists of adequate family time and nurturing," "Are your networks of family and friends willing to validate your decision to adopt," "Are your respective families supportive of your decision to adopt," "What changes have been implemented to integrate the prospective adoptee into the established family," and "Have your biological children been receptive of the prospective adoptee?"

They wanted to know all about our marriage and our history. They remarked on our level of warmth, subtle attentiveness (him looking at me and silently reassuring me), and our chemistry. This was crucial because it somehow showed that we could form a solid attachment which will ultimately help our daughter. It also explains why she felt comfortable with us. We exude warmth. Kudos to us.

Our self-disclosure exercises during the home study came into play. Our social worker talked to us separately, and she asked questions about the other spouse's strengths and weaknesses. Our therapist's remarks helped tremendously. It showed them that while our communication was not as open as it should have been, we have taken steps to amend that. Our conflict resolution skills were analysed pertaining to the marriage and parenting. Since she is a teenager, they posed a hot topic: birth control. We were asked for our respective views. We were reminded to take some time to ourselves. Parenting does not mean neglecting the needs of the marriage, and they seemed impressed by our model. They wanted to know if tasks like picking up and dropping off children was shared or if it was one parent's responsibility. It is not. Our system involves the three adults in the household, and it is efficient and running smoothly.

The only change to the adoption laws has been the accommodation of same-sex parents. There is one exception, and I am still not entirely clear if it applies to adopted children. In the cases of biological children, they have a De Facto Parenting Order. Basically, this is what Matt was afraid I would do last year when we moved here. If anyone outside of the biological parents meets the set criteria, they can be granted legal rights to a child. This third "parent" would have a say in the child's religion, education, an everything. Who was it designed for? Partners of divorced parents, de facto step-parents (with or without marriage), and unintentionally--poly families. There is nothing in the law that says non-traditional families cannot utilise it. Matt was concerned about this because this type of order can be granted without both biological parents agreeing. As far gone as I was, I would not have put it past myself to finally and legally grant Si equal rights like he and I automatically had. On that front, he had a reason to be concerned because it would have taken an act of God to undo that. It was bad enough with an unwanted agreement. Let alone something legally binding. I digress. It did not reach that point, and I am kissing the pavement because of it.

We were asked to leave while they deliberated. I was on edge. It was like a black cloud looming overhead. We were called back in, and they had a chairperson speaking on all of their behalves. She detailed how they determined suitability, and it was in the form of those endless questions. Each member had a vote, and if they were tied, the presiding member had the final vote. We were informed of our rights to appeal their decision. (No more than 28 days after the decision.) Fortunately, there is no need to appeal. We were informed that they were in fact approving our application. It was a deep sigh moment.

The major hold out was her age. This state favours Permanent Care over adoption for children beyond the age of two. From 2011-2012, there were only 333 adoptions in ALL of Australia, and it continues to be on the decline. Adoption is a rare occurrence, and we knew none of this would be easy with odds stacked against us and legislation that is not keen on it. They favour family hierarchy, so unless a child has absolutely no chance of being placed with his/her biological parents again, permanent care and adoption are not even considered. The need for adoption of a child over two is limited to "exceptional" circumstances. Our oldest was in the foster care system for years, and there is no hope of repairing the relationship with her biological mother. Our child nor the mother desire contact. She also has no contact with the biological family of either parent. I would say we are the better choice than her going back in the system and aging out in a few years.

What is next? We have submitted the applications for Dispensation of Consent and the Adoption Order. Due to her age and legislation, she actually has the right to consent to her own adoption. At some point, we will receive a hearing date. The courts are slow, so if we are lucky, we might be on the docket this year.

A small victory. Now to discuss the other stuff.
 
No wonder their adoption rate is declining. It amazes me that people actually consider it better to keep kids "in the system" than let them live with a slightly imperfect family.
 
Re:
"It amazes me that people actually consider it better to keep kids 'in the system' than let them live with a slightly imperfect family."
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No kidding! What's up with that?

Ry, I am so relieved that your hearing turned out alright. I feel like you're finally on the downhill side of the mountain to get your adoption completed.

Take a deep breath!

I did.
 
SNeacail said:
No wonder their adoption rate is declining. It amazes me that people actually consider it better to keep kids "in the system" than let them live with a slightly imperfect family.
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The adoption rate is sad. For known adoptions which includes foster carers, step-parents, or a relative, the total number might have been 5-10 for the year. The number of all adoptions for the entire state is usually under 60. I have never lived in a country where adoption is the last resort. If you can complete a domestic or local adoption within two years, you have done something unheard of. Intercountry adoption takes multiple years. I have heard from parents who said it took upwards of five years before the adoption was finalised.

Our social worker knew about my past, and off the record, she strongly discouraged me from saying a word about it. Now that I have interacted with that panel, I can understand why. They are not progressive, and even though their manual says they are to keep their personal opinions, views, and feelings out of decision making, there is no guarantee that would have happened. It is easy to hide behind the "best interests of the child."

It makes no sense that they want to keep children in the system rather than place them with imperfect families, and in some cases, they force contact with the biological parents. As if a child really wants to stay in contact with the parent who neglected them, abused them, or failed to keep them safe.
 
It is 3 AM, and I cannot sleep. I have so much on my mind. I need to get my heart under control.

My past is like a tear on a vintage, bespoke Versace gown that a seamstress has been unsuccessful in repairing permanently. To the outside world, it looks flawless and ready to wear. To me, I know the tear is there and no amount of putting it out of my mind will stop me from thinking about how the gown is flawed now.

Only the real life tear is my history with Kensi (aka Si). I have moments of regret strong enough to wish that I had never met her. I have moments where I wish I had lived monogamously from the time I met Matt. It is no reflection on her, but I have been unsuccessful in my attempts of shaking those thoughts.

This aspect of my past is vividly emblazoned in every facet of my life. As much as I want to pretend like the past never happened, evidence contradicts that. I can burn every picture, bar loved ones from speaking of it, sever ties with poly groups and friends, delete every Facebook status, move to a new country, hide it from the AAC, not mention a peep to new friends and colleagues, but none of those things change the fact that I was in a relationship outside of my marriage for years. I often feel awful about that choice. My therapist believes forgiving myself is key to acceptance of this "tear." She believes I am stuck in the vicious cycle of stitching, ripping, rinsing, and repeating. My efforts to conceal the "tear" are in essence futile because it keeps getting larger. I suppose I am lacking inner peace regarding my past, and it is causing me to feel an insurmountable level of shame and disgust with my choices. At this point, I lack the ability to see the beauty in an imperfect piece. I guess I need to learn to ignore the "tear," appreciate the gown (my present), or change it because all I can see is what is wrong. Not the potential of what it could be.

It is rather interesting how one small tear has the propensity to lead to lessons being learned, character building, gaining wisdom and insight, experience earning, and humility. I guess my tear is not all that bad. I am magnifying it because instead of focusing on the in tact 88%, I have honed in on the torn 12%.

The most messed up part of this is the more I try to conceal that tear, the more complicated things get. It is like pulling one ravel and causing the whole thing to fall apart or causing more tears that need to be repaired. (I liked the analogy my best friend gave about the water bed having leaks in multiple spots and the owner having to try and cover all of them at the same time.) This is one of those "leave well enough alone" situations. I am in love with two people (husband and my best friend), and I have unresolved feelings for Kensi. I only want a relationship with my husband, though. I am not keen on labels. I have the propensity to love more than one, but I am finding that I hate it and wish it was not so. There is no pull for me to have anything outside of what I have with Matt. I am not a polyamorist now. I am not polyamorous. Maybe in theory but not in practise. What label would fit that? Oy vey.

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Kensi and I are on good terms. We are speaking more on a consistent basis. I attended her birthday dinner, and I was vague about whether or not I would be in attendance. I decided to go about 40 minutes before the party started. She looked quite fit. She was radiant that night. For a moment in time, I remembered what initially drew me to her.

I have never really talked about Kensi. She is the blonde version of Angelina Jolie--full lips included. Physically, she is beautiful. Her inner beauty made her all the more beautiful. Her physical beauty was not what drew me to her. She has this aura about her that pulls everyone in. She is very intelligent, caring, and generally a class act. She always carried herself in a dignified manner. She was that deliriously cheerful person at 6 AM who would grind on your nerves because they were so bloody happy. She was that person who would give her last even if meant she went without. It was hard not to fall in love with someone who had it all.

It has been nice to remember the good times I had with her. She was not always calculating and vindictive. Yes, people change, but she underwent a massive personality overhaul. It was not for the better. I guess we all have moments where we step out of character. I do love having her back in my life. I went to her home after the dinner party, and we talked for a couple of hours. It felt like it used to when we would have those in-depth and thought provoking conversations. I do not know what it was about that night, but I felt comfortable being open with her. (No, there was no alcohol to blame it on.) She talked about her feelings for me. She is still in love with me. I knew that. (*sings* "There's nothing not to love about me." *hair flip*) She said that she is going to keep it respectful. It is easy for me to be in love with a friend, but I hope she can handle being in love with me and just being friends. Friendship is all I can and will ever offer. I admitted to still having feelings for her, but they serve no purpose. Some feelings are utterly useless.

We are working on rebuilding trust. It is a long road, but she is committed to healing what has been hurt. She is willing to do what it takes to get our renewed, budding friendship to a healthy and trustworthy place. I am still on therapy burnout, but I do want to seek therapy with her. I am not ready, yet.

Do I sound like as much of a mess as I feel?
 
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