Wife and I begin a life of polyamory.

J

jdicky700

New member
Hello! I hope to get some advice here. I am not huge into forums but I've been looking for somewhere to talk about this openly. Months ago my wife met another man. We've been married almost 15 years and he stole a piece of her heart. She wanted to explore polyamory but I couldn't stomach the idea at the time. Needless to say... they ended up having an affair and it almost ruined our marriage. My wife maintains that she has never stopped loving me but says that there is just a special connection between them that she has only felt with me. She wants to be with both of us. We have begun to reconcile our marriage and I have recently agreed to try this arrangement.

The thing is I adore this guy as well. Not in a sexual way... but I feel like I've known him forever and he has become in a short time the best friend I've ever had in my life. It's as if he was put in our lives to complete our triangle. My wife and I both "fell" for him quickly. She fell in love with him...and I did in a non-sexual way. Hopefully that makes sense. It's as if we have known each other in previous lives. We've been inseparable. It's hard to explain.

The problem is my head. Like I said...my heart says yes but my mind is terrified. They have already been intimate...so it's not like that would be something new. They have an emotional connection...so that isn't new. The problem is just the thought of my wife with another man turns my stomach. The thought of sharing her with another is upsetting. Like I said... I believe he was meant to be in our lives...so how do I let go of these feelings I have?

I just am struggling with the fact that she wants another man. We have always had a fulfilling relationship mentally and physically...even she doesn't know how it happened. We love each other...I believe she genuinely loves me... I just can't seem to shake the nerves. To be honest...tonight is the first night they are going out as an open couple between the 3 of us. We are not sharing it with friends and family at this time.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Hopefully this all makes sense and honestly it's a little bit overwhelming. Like I said...I believe he was meant to be in our lives but I can't shake the images in my head.

I've even thought about approaching him to have a three way... I know it's one of my wife's fantasies and I know he hinted at it early on in their relationship as a way to get close with my wife. There are a ton more details...it's the strangest set up we have with how close we all are.

I love the guy like a brother. I just need to shake the jitters. It's driving me crazy and I don't want to upset my wife (she knows I'm terrified) and I don't want to let him know how scared I am because I know he will back off and that would upset my wife and him tremendously.

Help!!
 
Hi Brother

Hi Brother,

I'm new here too n just noticed your posting...wishing you Heavenly Love, Joy, and Peace as you work through this situation...also heavenly fire and anointing.

Are you familiar much with the Bible? There's a thought like this..."there is no fear in love but perfect love casts out fear, because fear has torment..."

It sounds like you're really being stretched right now...growing pains, not easy but necessary for the forming of a beautiful/handsome Oak Tree :)

That's great that you're working through the repentance/rebuilding/healing process from adultery...hopefully getting good counsel from somewhere.

Going forward, I would encourage you as the senior leader to jump in n take the lead...good leaders can acknowledge to those around when they're knees are shaking...not real easy but can be done...again, something from Bible comes to mind ( a good king, named Jehoshophat)...got the people together n prayed...basically scared stiff...this big army coming and we don't know what to do! God showed up n showed off for him...think they won that war!

Most important thing going forward...please, all 3 of you make a marriage commitment covenant with each other...probably would be good to do a little certificate n sign your names. And then, please give some thought to it n plan a romantic threesome! Now here I might get some disagreement from others, so I'll simply say, you'll be blessed if you skip the anal stuff...it ain't "kosher"....

You want the heavenly angels to have a good reason to stop by and enjoy your celebration together...the demons of fear, mistrust, theft, adultry, fornication...aren't allowed.

Blessings in the Holy Spirit brother!
Steve
 
Torahson said:
Most important thing going forward...please, all 3 of you make a marriage commitment covenant with each other...probably would be good to do a little certificate n sign your names. And then, please give some thought to it n plan a romantic threesome! Now here I might get some disagreement from others, so I'll simply say, you'll be blessed if you skip the anal stuff...it ain't "kosher"....
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Um...Why in the world would they get "married?" This has, according to the OP, been going on a couple of months. I'm going to say that is a horrible idea (also, in many states, illegal even if not submitted to the state, and occasionally enforced--so, research first!. No one should get married that fast.

And as for "skip the anal stuff," if that is what everyone wants, it would be unfortunate if the poster felt judged here. Kink-shaming, slut-shaming, love shaming..ick.
 
Thank you

Thank you for the encouraging words. I am very familiar with the Bible (I once was a Sunday school teacher) but now practice a more left handed path. It's nice to know that there are people out there who care for our situation without judgement. I am feeling very stretched...I'm hoping time is the answer! I just need to stay firm for my wife who I love more than anything. She really wants this and I believe if there was a man on this planet for this we have met him. Thank you again. Blessed be.
 
No worries!

And as for “skip the anal stuff,” if that is what everyone wants, it would be unfortunate if the poster felt judged here. Kink-shaming, slut-shaming, love shaming..ick.
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Being judged isn't an issue for me. My spiritual path has rid me of that worry. I come from a very conservative family and my pagan path is quite the put-off for a lot of people.

As for sexuality...my wife and I have explored many many ways to have fun and enjoy the human body. I'm just trying to find a way mentally to let her enjoy what we have shared with another. It's been very tough but I am committed to the happiness of the three of us. Blessed be.
 
jdicky700 said:
Hello! I hope to get some advice here. I am not huge into forums but I've been looking for somewhere to talk about this openly. Months ago my wife met another man. We've been married almost 15 years and he stole a piece of her heart. She wanted to explore polyamory but I couldn't stomach the idea at the time. Needless to say... they ended up having an affair and it almost ruined our marriage. My wife maintains that she has never stopped loving me but says that there is just a special connection between them that she has only felt with me. She wants to be with both of us. We have begun to reconcile our marriage and I have recently agreed to try this arrangement.

The thing is I adore this guy as well. Not in a sexual way... but I feel like I've known him forever and he has become in a short time the best friend I've ever had in my life. It's as if he was put in our lives to complete our triangle. My wife and I both "fell" for him quickly. She fell in love with him...and I did in a non-sexual way. Hopefully that makes sense. It's as if we have known each other in previous lives. We've been inseparable. It's hard to explain.

The problem is my head. Like I said...my heart says yes but my mind is terrified. They have already been intimate...so it's not like that would be something new. They have an emotional connection...so that isn't new. The problem is just the thought of my wife with another man turns my stomach. The thought of sharing her with another is upsetting. Like I said... I believe he was meant to be in our lives...so how do I let go of these feelings I have?

I just am struggling with the fact that she wants another man. We have always had a fulfilling relationship mentally and physically...even she doesn't know how it happened. We love each other...I believe she genuinely loves me... I just can't seem to shake the nerves. To be honest...tonight is the first night they are going out as an open couple between the 3 of us. We are not sharing it with friends and family at this time.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Hopefully this all makes sense and honestly it's a little bit overwhelming. Like I said...I believe he was meant to be in our lives but I can't shake the images in my head.

I've even thought about approaching him to have a three way... I know it's one of my wife's fantasies and I know he hinted at it early on in their relationship as a way to get close with my wife. There are a ton more details...it's the strangest set up we have with how close we all are.

I love the guy like a brother. I just need to shake the jitters. It's driving me crazy and I don't want to upset my wife (she knows I'm terrified) and I don't want to let him know how scared I am because I know he will back off and that would upset my wife and him tremendously.

Help!!
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JD, welcome! Kevin will, hopefully, be along shortly with a great list of resources for you. In the meantime:

-Can you articulate what you are scared of, exactly? The first step in addressing the issue is getting specific about it. Are you worried she'll leave you? That it will make her love you less? That your love for one another is somehow sullied/lessened because she shares love with another? Are you worried about family, jobs, resource and time management? Once you can be specific, it'll be a lot easier to figure out what your next step is.

-I'd hold off on the threesome thing, at least for now. It's a great fantasy, and if it becomes a reality that you all enjoy, that would be wonderful. But, get a handle on your feelings first, and get all the relationships on solid ground. Sex can up a lot of emotions, so work first no getting the ones your having sorted out before you add more to the mix.

-Talk. A lot. Honestly. It is okay to tell your wife you're scared, and be specific about what you need to feel better (X amount of time with her, more words of encouragement, etc.)

-You say "sharing her" makes you feel sick to your stomach. Another way to think about it is that you are not sharing her. You cannot share another person, because they are not property. She is sharing herself with you, and you are sharing yourself with her. There is a difference there and it can be helpful to look at it from another perspective. Just like sharing yourself with a friend doesn't make you any less of a friend to anyone else, her sharing herself with another partner doesn't diminish what she shares with you.

You're undertaking quite a lot to move into poly with your wife, and that is wonderful. It's clear you love her, and are willing to be open-minded for her happiness, and that means you're already well into a good space for poly!
 
Yes!

GreenAcres said:
JD, welcome! Kevin will, hopefully, be along shortly with a great list of resources for you. In the meantime:

-Can you articulate what you are scared of, exactly? The first step in addressing the issue is getting specific about it. Are you worried she'll leave you? That it will make her love you less? That your love for one another is somehow sullied/lessened because she shares love with another?
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YES!!!! lol

Because of the affair and how it almost ended our marriage..l am worried. I think it is in my head because since my wife and I have had open dialogue about how deep her love is for him I can tell our relationship has gotten better and dare I say our love is even deeper!? I know I contradict myself in the same paragraph but it's how my heart and mind is battling it out right now.

She constantly quotes "love does not divide it multiplies" and uses our kids as an example. Again...I think the affair is messing with my head on this one.

I worry a bit if she is crazy about this arrangement she will find she loves him more and I don't know if I could deal with that. I love her so damn much I'd do anything for her!
 
Great insight!

GreenAcres said:
-You say "sharing her" makes you feel sick to your stomach. Another way to think about it is that you are not sharing her. You cannot share another person, because they are not property. She is sharing herself with you, and you are sharing yourself with her. There is a difference there and it can be helpful to look at it from another perspective. Just like sharing yourself with a friend doesn't make you any less of a friend to anyone else, her sharing herself with another partner doesn't diminish what she shares with you.
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You are absolutely right in the way you wrote this!!! This is a fantastic way of looking at it!!! Thank you so much! I really want this to work and feel good for all parties. I love her and I love him as well. My heart says this is right. Just need to get the brain to catch up!!!
 
Have you and she taken the time to heal from the affair? Jumping straight into poly is a lot, and often doesn't happen easily because of the breach in trust (which starts everything off in less-than-ideal circumstances). That's not saying it can't happen, and we have members here in very long-term relationships that formed out of affairs; but, it can be more difficult. What has been done to rebuild the trust and bond between the two of you?

Have you talked about what relationship style you both are comfortable with, and has she talked with him about it? Perhaps, if you had an idea what the road map might look like, you'd be more comfortable with the journey? For example, does everyone prefer a hierarchical or non-hierarchical relationship? Are you all going to be a "closed" V, or can each of you seek other partners, as well? This talk could help clear up some of the nervousness by clarifying things for everyone.

Love is different in each relationship, so there needn't ever be a "more," but it will be "differently." Love isn't like a pie--giving a slice to someone else doesn't mean there's less pie for those who previously had a whole pie. But, resources are limited: time, money, etc. It's reasonable to talk about expectations for those things: vacation time, for example, or who pays for dates. This can happen along with the relationship structure talk, and may help quiet some of the nervousness you have, as you're reassured you and she can still have the time you need to nurture your own relationship.

There is uncertainty in all relationships, of course, but right now you're still healing from the affair and it sounds like relationship models may not have yet been discussed, which can cause even more uncertainty.
 
jdicky700 said:
You are absolutely right in the way you wrote this!!! This is a fantastic way of looking at it!!! Thank you so much! I really want this to work and feel good for all parties. I love her and I love him as well. My heart says this is right. Just need to get the brain to catch up!!!
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I am glad something spoke to you. For me, it often helps when someone else gives me a new way of looking at things (because, let's face it, we're all a bit myopic about some things)!
 
I know I still haven't fully healed. To be honest...it's not the affair it's the breach of trust from the two people outside of my children that I love the most. That's the most bitter pill to swallow.

We don't have any real relationship guidelines...none of us have ever explored anything like this and I think we are trying the "see what happens" approach. I've talked with him and her both apart and a little together. I believe there is still more discussion to be had but we are proceeding slowly. Actually...tonight is their first date together out in the open and I'm a bit nervous right now. I don't know why but I am. The trust part hurts so bad...I believe this could be the real root of my anxiety. I love them both and believe that if there was a person meant to be in with us it's him. My wife doesn't want to explore anything with anyone else...I would say I don't either but who the hell knows down the line! I've come to learn the only constant in life is change!

He is free to date...he ultimately wants to get married and have kids but I don't know if he will. He loves her deeply as well. I wish I could express the relationship and feelings between the three of us...it's really magical. That's why I want to get rid of the jitters and heal from the affair so bad. It brings her such joy to be with the two of us and it gives me great joy to see my wife smile.
 
The breach of trust is, understandably, a factor in your feelings. Have you guys discussed how trust will be repaired going forward? What things she would need to do to make you feel safe in trusting her again, and how to more honestly communicate?

All that said, some of getting over the worry is just time and experience. The more experiences you have where things don't explode, the more likely the unease will start to subside.

There are, of course, coping strategies:
-Plan fun things to do for yourself when they're out, so you're not just sitting home thinking about it. Go out with friends, play video games, get involved on a sports team, whatever works for you.

-Plan re-bonding time for when she returns (consult her on this, of course--everyone is a bit different with this, and eventually the need for it can subside). A massage? Watching a favorite show together?

-Ask directly for what you need. Partners aren't mind-readers, so if you need more reassurance, more physical connection, etc, tell her directly what that need is.

And, post here! We'll help as much as we can. The forums ebb and flow, as we're all on different schedules, but just talking can help.
 
Thank you again!!!! Even the small amount of conversation on this board tonight has helped get me through this evening. You actually made me smile. Thank you. I'm not sure how to fix the trust. She has pleaded with me to give her a chance to show me...that's what I'm trying to do. Blessed be.
 
Have you considered seeing a counselor? There are ones that are poly friendly, depending on where you live, that might be able to give you both some tools for rebuilding the trust.

A place to start is creating a safe space where both of you can talk. Not an actual space, but an emotional one, where there is no judgement or recrimination, and you can both express things without fear?

Have a good night, and, if you are up for it, let us know how things go.
 
Thank you again.

I have thought about a counselor...I don't know if there is a poly friendly one in our area or not. That might be something to consider. Thank you again and I hope you have a wonderful night!!!!! I definitely will keep you posted!!!
 
jdicky700 said:
I know I still haven't fully healed. To be honest...it's not the affair it's the breach of trust from the two people outside of my children that I love the most. That's the most bitter pill to swallow.
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Ok I want to put the breach into a bit of perspective. If you don't have the words to describe something therefore you don't know how to talk about it and the only thing you know is that you feel compelled beyond everything else down to your bones to do something. You are probably going to do it... we are only advanced monkeys with really advanced monkey desires. Luckily we can apply logic to things and we can put the past into ways we can understand. I would gander a guess that If she/they knew about poly before they did something and you talked about it before it happened, you would still feel "breached". She didn't breach your trust out of malice but rather out of being scared, confused and not seeing another way. She didn't want to hurt you and that is misguidedly commendable, it is also ironically this path that always leads to even more pain for everyone involved. You shouldn't be upset at her or him, be upset about the position she, you and he found yourselves. In hind sight being honest is painful but usually workable. We however don't live in a society that allows this, we don't see it we hide it, we don't get to internalize it while we grow up and our power structures say its bad. They did what was natural and our man made order we place on everything says its wrong (internalized cultural misogamy). Weather it is or isn't somethings you need to see as whoops and let it go. I like to think that my wife is around not because we have a piece of paper that commands her to but she is around because she wants to be. I don't share or control her any more than I share or control the sky. I would like her to spend time with me but I can't make her and ultimately she will do what she wants. And I am happy that she chooses to spend time with me. When she isn't I am hope she is having as good a time as if she were spending time with me. I need to take that time and try to do something that brings me happiness too.

In general if fear is getting in the way I go to the Benne Gesserit litany against fear from Dune (the parentheses is my interpretation)
"I must not fear. (Whoa whats up I don't feel right)
Fear is the mind-killer. (Why am I afraid why am I not thinking right)
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. (If unchecked it will consume me)
I will face my fear. (How do I get past this)
I will permit it to pass over me and through me. (Do what needs to be done to get past it)
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. (Remember this time so you can not let it get you next time)
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." (Everything is fine, I am fine)
 
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I love the guy like a brother. I just need to shake the jitters. It's driving me crazy and I don't want to upset my wife (she knows I'm terrified) and I don't want to let him know how scared I am because I know he will back off and that would upset my wife and him tremendously.
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What is this fear of feeling emotions? So people feel upset right now. Changes are going to come with a price tag. Their behavior broke trust. If they value relationship with you, they could work with you to repair it.

You are trying to change a cheating affair into a poly V. It's reasonable for that to be rough at first. It is not the easiest model in the world to do!

If you love your wife and also this guy like a brother, how is withholding information and keeping them in the dark doing them a kindness? Or helping to repair trust?

I think you could secure a poly counselor for yourself or all of you so you get more support in transition and so there's someone to help keep moving things along toward your goal. You seem to want to be in a V with trustworthy partners and be ok.

You could be more up front and honest with your poly V people about what you are going through and what specific support that you need. Get on with doing time management so all the puzzle pieces are being seen to in turn.

It's all well and good for you to hold space so they can have time to have a date and not deal in serious stuff. People need a break.
But they too could hold space in turn for you. So you know there IS going to be a time to process serious stuff and move that forward. Not be like they have an affair and you just lump the aftermath alone.

There also could be time so you could be with hinge NOT doing serious stuff. And with your Meta not doing serious stuff, since you seem to like him as a friend/brother. Doing "not serious stuff" with both will help Life not always be jacked up anxious. It's just pizza and a movie... it's just mini golf... stuff that dials the intensity down. While at the same time, setting part of the week aside to sort out the big stuff with counselor so it's not just sitting in the corner like a never shrinking elephant.

Galagirl
 
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If you love you wife and this guy like a brother, how is withholding information and keeping them in the dark doing them a kindness?
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I have been pretty open with my wife...I don't know that she is seeing things at all from my perspective..at least that's how I feel. I have been very content with our monogamous relationship and I am finally on board with doing this for her. I can't express enough how this is right in my heart. The 're-wiring' of the brain has been a struggle. It's literally only been a couple of weeks since they have been very open about their affair so processing it has been a challenge. I am afraid to be completely open with him because one of his big issues is hurting me. He has expressed that I have a big place in his heart with her and he can't stand hurting me. I'm afraid if I express my concerns with him he will pull back from her and this would cause a rift with my wife. Does that make sense?
 
I am afraid to be completely open with him because one of his big issues is hurting me.
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Correct. His issue. You could trust he can find a way to handle doing his job sorting out his issues.

Don't shrink yourself and not do your job. Just because you think he cannot do his.

Right now you are keeping things bottled up. That's not helping you express and release hurt appropriately. So you can finally let it go and lay it to rest.

If his concern is you not hurting MORE? He could not be ok with you bottling up.

He has expressed that I have a big place in his heart with her and he can't stand hurting me.
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Great. He could be ok with the idea that healing from a cheating affair requires some WORK and be willing to get on with it. He wants to contribute toward healing and get through this patch. Lean INTO it, and not away from it. So you all make it through to the other side. It's not going to happen by magic. it's going to happen through WORK.

Is this a shared mission across the three of you? I am assuming it is.

I'm afraid if I express my concerns with him he will pull back from her and this would cause a rift with my wife. (<-- Between wife and who?)
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You do a behavior to contribute toward healing -- express so you can let go. Benefits all.

He chooses to do a behavior -- pull back from her.

  • Well, he can do that. He is in charge of his behavior.
  • I think it's not helpful, if the shared goal is for all three to make it through. But it IS a behavior he could do.

Who gets the rift? You are not clear.

  • He does? If she gets mad at him for pulling back that is a problem between (her and him) to solve. That one is not on your plate. Do not pick up baggage that is not yours. You have plenty of your own to carry. You will burn out trying to carry everyone else's too.

  • She gets mad at you?
    • Because he says he pulls back because because of you? And he makes you responsible for his behavior choices?
    • Or because she thinks he pulled back because of you? She makes you responsible for his behavior choices?

That's blame shifting. You do not control other people's behavior. Only your own. If she's misplacing anger and blaming you?

  • You could say "No. I did not ask him for that behavior. I asked for space to express how I feel. I expressed. I thanked him for listening. I am trying to let go and move this forward so all of us make it through.

    If he's pulling back, that his doing. Not mine. He could own it. I do not control his behavior. Please sort this out between you first. Then come back to please pull together towards the bigger mission. I want to focus on moving it forward."


Does that make sense?
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It makes sense that you feel skittish right now because this is hard and this is new. I think you are anxious and not leaning INTO it. I might be wrong... but I wonder if you crave stability but you see a vista of more "up and down" weird ahead? It's understandable not to be thrilled at that.

But again... if all three share a mission of "We lean into this, work it out, and see it through and form a healthy V" then I think all your behaviors need to align toward that mission.

You withholding info? Not serving the bigger mission. They cannot be mind readers.

You cannot control if they align their new behaviors toward serving the bigger mission so you can all get through. But you can be holding up YOUR end of the stick and align yours. Report loud and clear what's going on with you and what you need so people are aware.

Again... see about securing a poly friendly counselor. You seem to need extra support.

Hang in there!
Galagirl
 
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being honest and self advocating

Galagirl is right on the money.

I would say about 90% of my relationship problems come from one of us not being completely honest and open about our feelings/wants/needs/concerns. Most of the time one of us is holding back so as not to upset the other, only to make a right mess of it when it inevitably gets dragged out on its own.

Don't be afraid to self advocate, you ARE important to your wife and the relationship, your concerns are important. No one knows how you feel unless you tell them. You need to bring your thoughts out into the open. Don't let them gnaw at you in silence. You will never know how he will react until you actually say what you have to say. There are generally 3 outcomes Things get better, things stay the same or things get worse. If you don't say anything things are likely to stay the same or get worse (most likely the later).

Good luck
 
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