Wife has me on the back burner, need advice

[esarati300]

Hey everyone,

I've lived in a poly family with kids for about 2 years. My wife been poly for about 3 years altogether.

The whole poly lifestyle started when I brought the stress home from work to my wife (which I am not happy about). I can't change that now. But me bringing the stress home and not giving much attention to her... she went to cheat on me and had feelings for him. Pretty much that is how the poly came out.

It was a very hard thing for me to accept, but I said I was willing to try out the lifestyle after days of talking about it. At first she had a good amount of lovers, and I was ok with it, because I know she'd come back to me and still be sexual with me. I do wish I had a partner for fairness, but she has no control over that. Plus girls can get many lovers just like that.

There is one she has met and really fell in love with him. He moved in with us. We have a queen size bed, so we tried all 3 of us to sleep in the bed, which did not work out. She is a BBW so the space is limited. Then we switch to one night you sleep upstairs with her and some nights you sleep on the couch. For some reason I could not sleep upstairs anymore. (Not sure why) So I sleep on the couch for good.

Now she is showing all the attention to him and always give him sex. We don't have sex anymore. She always making something up, like I am going too fast or I have bad timing. She has a new set of rules. One time I ask her to go cuddle upstairs and she said No, I want to stay downstairs," so I leave to do something and come back, and find her upstairs with him, having sex.

She said she feels more comfortable with him and awkward with me. She want to be friends for awhile before we are lovers again. Because of my stress issue.

Just hard for me to be friends with her, when she still has other lovers and is having sex. I am jealous about that because I don't get love. I feel empty and alone, while she has many lovers to fall back on. Just not sure if we will be lovers again. Just really hard knowing my wife is having sex everyday with him. Sometimes I am home when it happens.

Should I be her friend and start over, or should I just move out? Any help would be great. Just don't know where to turn.

 

[PaulDrakket]

I do wish I had a partner for fairness, but she have no control over that

The first thing I want to point out is that life isn't fair and that polyamory is no different. The concept of fairness has no place in the real world, or your relationships.

As for what you should do, that's a tough call. Personally, I would move out, but continue the relationship (assuming you still love her and that she has interest in you, of course). However, I feel as though I don't have nearly the wealth of information and insight that you do about these people.

Regardless, more than anything, communicate. Talk to them both about how you feel and try to get a sense of the way they see the future playing out. It can be helpful to know what others foresee and expect in/of the future when determining what our place in it might be (if we have one at all).

Best of luck to you.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you are going through this. You have some hard decisions ahead. This sounds like poly hell.

Ask your wife to clarify If she's talking about being "Friends in a healthy marriage" or "Friends and healthy exes." Right now her behavior doesn't sound very "friendly" to me. She cheats on you, polyships badly, and now you are on the couch, suffering. This is not loving kind behavior toward a spouse.

To solve the couch problem...

• You could move out entirely, and have your own bedroom that way.
• You could all move to a home where everyone has their own bedroom, and there's no more of this on to the couch business.

Which of those two options you pick depends on how invested you and wife are in rebuilding the marriage and staying together.

But if her actions show she's not emotionally present in the marriage any more, your continued investment in the marriage, continued investment in polyamory, or new investing in a larger home may not be the best choice for your personal well-being, because the return on the investments is meh and not fulfilling.

I know things probably suck right now for your short-term health. You could accept that, and look after your own LONG-term health, even if you have to endure short-term suckage to get to a better place.

Sometimes the choices in life are not "win" or "lose," but "Which of these stinky options stinks the least?"

 

[BBQGreg]

What's in it for you if you stay with her? What are the downsides?
What's in it for you if you leave her? What are the upsides?

I don't see much upside in spending your life with someone who you say doesn't manifest love for you and who you don't feel friendly towards.

Yes, you have kids, but kids can tell when their parents aren't happy together, aren't treating each other well. I believe it can cause them to lose respect for one or both parents and sets them a poor example for their own future lives and relationships. So while it's fine, even laudable, to consider your children's well-being when making your decision, children's well-being isn't automatically better served by their parents staying together than by their parents divorcing.

My advice is to leave, unless you honestly believe your relationship with your wife (feelings and actions both, for both of you to each other) can and will improve to a desirable state within an acceptable timeframe. "Desirable state and acceptable timeframe" are for you to define, but be honest with yourself when you do it.

 

[Elements]

That's terrible and is poly hell. You should sit her down and talk to her about this. Are you dating others as well?

 

[Icewraithonyx]

Hi there.

First of all, I'm the mono husband of a poly wife. We'd been married for years before she started having serious feelings for others and wanted to open our marriage. That said, there were a couple of points that caught my attention.

But me bringing the stress home and not giving much attention to her [caused her to] cheat on me... That is how the poly came out.

This, more than anything, is a huge misconception. Polyamory is about being open, honest, and respectful about non-monogamy. Except for the number of people involved, cheating is almost the exact opposite. Think of it this way: polyamory is you willingly giving someone money because they asked. Cheating is someone hacking into your bank account and stealing from you, and then when they get caught, them saying, "Well, let's just say you gave it to me, and are going to keep giving more to me, going forward."

You were cheated on. That's horrible, and I deeply sympathize. My wife started out the same way.

It was a very hard thing for me to accept, but I said I was willing to try out the lifestyle after days of talking about it. At first she had a good amount of lovers and I was ok with it because I know she will come back to me and still be sexual with me. I do wish I had a partner for fairness, but she have no control over that.plus girls can get many lovers just like that. There is one she have met and really fell in love with him, where he move in with us. We have a queen size bed, so we try all 3 of us to sleep in the bed. Which did not work out. she is a BBW so the space is limited. Then we switch to one night you sleep up stairs with her and some nights you sleep on the couch. For some reason I could not sleep upstairs anymore. (Not sure why) So I sleep on the couch for good. But now she is showing all the attention to him and always give him sex, where we don't have sex anymore. She always making something up, like I am going to fast or I have bad timing. she have a new set of rules. One time I ask her to go cuddle upstairs and she said no I want to stay down stairs, so I leave to do something and come back, I find her upstairs with him, having sex. she said she do feel more comfortable with him and feel awkward with me. She want to be friends for awhile before we are lovers again. Because of my stress issue. Just hard for me to be friends with her, when she still have her other lovers and having sex. I would be jealous about that because I won't get love. I do feel empty and alone. where she have so many lovers to fall back on. Just not sure if we will be lovers again. Should I be her friend and start over with or should I just move out? Just really hard knowing my wife is having sex everyday with him and sometimes I am home when it happens. Any help would be great. Just don't know where to turn.

So much wrong here I barely know where to start. Another misconception I see with "polyamory" is the idea of "I'm poly, so I want to open up my marriage, so I can have all this relationship with the New while dumping all over the Old."

I've seen many poly relationships on here where the person in love with two people treats EACH person in a LOVING MANNER. From what you write, BF is getting all the love while you are feeling neglected.

The fundamental questions for a mono in a "poly" relationship is not "Is this fair?" but "Am I getting what I need from this relationship?" and if not, "CAN I get what I need from this relationship?" It sounds like the answer is NO to both questions. Not to mention, this sounds less like polyamory and more like, "She wants to freedom to have lots of sex with her BF without me making a stink over it."

Me, I think I'd move out, or ask my wife and her bf to move out. This so does NOT sound like a healthy dynamic. I'm really sorry she's putting you through this.

 

[esarati300]

Hey there, Icewraithonyx. I was wondering if you were ok with being a mono husband. Would you want more love? I always want it to have another love, but never have any luck. If I had another lover I would not feel alone anymore.

When my wife comes home, she goes right up to her bf, and the next morning I go to work, so I don't really see her Sunday-Thursday. Mind you, it is because of work. I might see her for about 30 min or so. On Friday we are both home, just me, her and the kids. I can tell she feels not herself around me. She covers up and there is no touching each other. We are pretty much like friends. But the hard thing is to be a friend. Because I know I am not getting no touching or sex from her.

When the bf comes home, she has sex with him right away. She makes excuse with me, like I'm going too fast, or his words turn her on from text, which I can not do at work, while the bf can. I have no control over that.

I just wonder if she will ever be sexual with me again. Like I said, I bring a lot of stress to her, and there was a good amount of time that I said I would leave her. Which I never did. I am upset I said that to her. She is not comfortable with me anymore.

I wonder if she will ever feel comfortable with me again. Should I start out as friends? Just knowing she is still having sex gets to me. She has sex with 3 other lovers and treats them well. But then again, they never did anything to hurt her. I do get along with all her lovers. So she choose wisely.

I was thinking to move out, but it would not be the best idea because of my son. I would like to make this work, if I can.

 

[Icewraithonyx]

Am I okay being a mono husband? Pretty much. I'm not ruling out future relationships, but right now I'm working on being comfortable in my current relationship. It would be unfair to seek to date someone as a "band-aid" for my discontent. One of the common pitfalls in non-monogamy is the "Relationship broken, so add more people." Then the "broken" relationship gets worse quickly, because all the time and energy is going to the new relationship. When it dies and new relationship starts having trouble, they often repeat the cycle.

One of the only things we have control over is identifying our wants and needs and determining whether those are being met. Is a platonic non-sexual marriage meeting your needs? I'm guessing no. You mentioned that she's been hurt by you and that may be part of the reason for the physical distance. Is anything being done to resolve this?

Also, it may be an idea to invite her to join the forum, not only to read what you've expressed, but to express her wants and needs as well.