Wisdom of Conference Flings?

T

tempeste

New member
Hi all :)

A little background: I'm married and polyamorous, as is my husband, although at the moment we don't have any additional partners. (I'm cisfemale, bisexual.) We're at a pretty good place right now in our relationship, and we're also becoming more active in attending some local poly events, etc, so we have a good support group.

I'm a graduate student, and I'm gearing up for attending my first major (week-long, thousands of attendees) conference in my field. My husband and I have discussed the possibility of a fling if I meet someone while I'm there, and from the standpoint of our relationship we both think that would be fine. (Of course, I would make sure the other person knew that I'm married and poly, use appropriate STI protection, etc. Also relationships with anyone that I'd potentially be working with directly - future employers, editors, etc - would be 100% professional!)

But from the standpoint of my career - I'm not as confident whether or not a discrete fling at a conference would be fine or would be something I should avoid for professional reasons. I find mixed opinions from just searching google for "conference fling" - some people seem to think conferences should be 100% professional, others think that it's fine as long as you aren't harassing anyone, while everyone seems to agree that conference hook-ups happen on a very regular basis. My field is probably about average for "liberality" - not particularly conservative, but not particularly liberal either. I'm also slightly concerned that it could be worse for me because many of my professional acquaintances know that I'm married, but I don't think any of them know that I'm poly (or even what that is). I'm happy to explain if anyone asks, and tell them that they're free to check with my husband and he'll gladly confirm that he's on board, but I think the reality would be that anyone who found out would just spread rumors - e.g. "OMG did you hear that so-and-so cheated on her husband at the conference?" - and not directly confront me. I'm comfortable enough with poly to discuss it if it comes up, but I don't really want to throw it in people's faces just to avoid the possibility that they would hear something and think I was cheating.

So I'm almost considering a personal hard "no" on conference flings, but I also don't know if I'm over-reacting. I grew up homeschooled in a VERY conservative family, so I don't exactly have the background to know if "most" people would look on it very negatively or if they just wouldn't care. Thoughts? Personal experiences with partner-approved conference hook-ups, or other intimate experiences that start moving in to your professional life?
 
In my field, conference hook-ups are very much a thing that people talk about, in a gossipy and not-so-nice way. I wouldn't go there unless I had complete job security and a boss that 100% knew and supported me being polyamorous.

That being said, there is always an opportunity to escape the venue/people on a trip like that. If I met someone on my travels NOT affiliated with the conference itself, then I might be tempted.
 
Hi tempeste,

I don't see any ethical problem with having a conference fling, although I guess the gossip factor is something one has to consider. As for my own experience, I actually worked in a professional setting with the person who is now my poly partner, and that professional setting is part of what brought us together. But it wasn't a conference fling, nor a fling at all obviously.

Don't know if that helps, but that's my perspective.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Because of the possibility of gossip about a married person 'cheating!' going around professional circles, I personally would not risk a fling at a professional conference.

However, if you go to hobby conferences, like sci-fi, gaming or another hobby, go for it!
 
Thanks for the replies - I think my initial thoughts were right and I'll avoid any conference flings for professional reasons. If I meet someone that I'm crazy about, we can always exchange phone numbers / facebooks and see about meeting up as friends after the conference :)
 
tempeste said:
Thanks for the replies - I think my initial thoughts were right and I'll avoid any conference flings for professional reasons. If I meet someone that I'm crazy about, we can always exchange phone numbers / facebooks and see about meeting up as friends after the conference :)
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Sounds like a plan :) My take on these things is to avoid gossip in professional circles as much as possible. Makes life simpler. And, there are plenty other people to date.
 
Re (from tempest):
"If I meet someone that I'm crazy about, we can always exchange phone numbers/facebooks and see about meeting up as friends after the conference :)"
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That's a good idea.
 
I always assumed conferences were made for hooking up. I mean, why else do they have them in hotels?

I never had a problem with gossip. If anyone ever asked me I would deny everything. It's about the only thing I consistently lie about, and as long as slut-shaming is a thing, I will never feel bad about it.
 
Why do people view these work related things as some sort of meat market? You're essentially at work. Of course it isn't appropriate to use that time to have a fling with someone. What is this world coming to?!
 
MightyMax said:
Why do people view these work related things as some sort of meat market? You're essentially at work. Of course it isn't appropriate to use that time to have a fling with someone. What is this world coming to?!
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So, because you're stuck in a hotel, away from home, attending meetings and workshops that run all day, you're supposed to just go back to your room and think about work until you fall asleep? Are you this critical of people who watch TV in their rooms?
 
MightyMax said:
Why do people view these work related things as some sort of meat market? You're essentially at work. Of course it isn't appropriate to use that time to have a fling with someone. What is this world coming to?!
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Coming to? It's always been this way. One way or another, people have been meeting at work since, like, forever.
 
IsidoreNabi said:
So, because you're stuck in a hotel, away from home, attending meetings and workshops that run all day, you're supposed to just go back to your room and think about work until you fall asleep? Are you this critical of people who watch TV in their rooms?
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FallenAngelina said:
Coming to? It's always been this way. One way or another, people have been meeting at work since, like, forever.
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Maybe I am old fashioned or something but I don't attend this sort of thing with the intention of meeting potential matches. Especially not having sexual interactions with them at the work related place we have met. I might meet someone interesting and swap contact details to meet in our private social time, so effectively we "met at work. I have noticed that some people, particularly men, seem to view these things as a singles party, or worse, for those who are "discreetly avaliable ;)".

I do enjoy a nice meal and a few drinks during the evenings at such events, but I still see it as work related socialising and networking.
 
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