Won't tell her he loves me

Cuppycake

Cuppycake

New member
When Bravo and Bean started seeing each other it was a secret affair. He and I had some problems stemming from money, work and parenting stress. There were a lot of assumptions and miscommunications between us that caused us to harbor a lot of doubt and resentment. Anyway, during that first year he was with her he told her we were no longer in love, that ours was a shell of a marriage and he loved her, not me. Fast forward to present day and Bravo and I have since discovered/researched the ideas of polyamory. He came to the conclusion that he felt he couldn't love me because he did, in fact, love her and had it in his head that he could not love two women at once. The old "if you fall in love with a second person you didn't REALLY love the first" thing. In addition to that realization he says he's also more drawn to me than ever before because of my new sense of self awareness, the ownership I've taken over my own feelings and the joy I've found in life by opening myself to new people and experiences. We are both much happier.

Now, here's the problem:
Bean and I became fast friends and lovers. We even call one another our girlfriends now. I know that she and Bravo love each other. However, he has not told her that he's still in love (or fallen back in love) with me. I mean, she knows he loves me as the mother of his children and for being a huge influence in his life, but he won't bring up that there is also romantic love between us. He told me he fears that Bean, while being open and excited to be with us both now, may not be "truly poly" or in for the long haul. She has apparently made statements that lead him to believe she wants or hopes for the two of them to ultimately be in a mono relationship, perhaps even get married (which obviously would require he divorce me first)

He says he will tell her, that he wants to take it slow. He doesn't know how she'll react to the idea of him truly loving two people. He's afraid of losing her. I can understand his not wanting to lose her, she's electric and I don't want to lose her either. But it's getting to a point where I feel both guilty that we are keeping this from her, and feeling kind of hurt that he hides his feelings at all. All kinds of things run through my head sometimes. Does he worry more about her feelings than mine? Does he share her desire to be mono "someday." Maybe he doesn't actually love me at all? He says none of those things are true, and I don't want to be needlessly insecure or a nag, but it really bothers me that he's not being honest. It's especially hurtful because seeing as they started out as cheating I still have a hard time believing everything he says.

I don't feel like it's my place to bring it up with her. He needs to tell her. What to do, what to do...
 
Does Bean not love both you and Bravo? Why would she find it hard to believe Bravo loves both you and her?

How does a conversation go where Bravo tells you Bean might want both of them to completely leave you eventually? Does he say that won't happen? Does he say why he would choose to let her think it could? Why is he telling you what she says about eliminating you? Why is he telling you he is deceiving her? Why is he saying "she says" at all? Are you pushing for him to tell her about his love for you, and her flakiness (as reported by him) is his excuse for not doing so?

Ultimately, it's his conversation to have with her. But you have a relationship with her, too. Why wouldn't you tell her you love him, and you two are romantically involved? Have you asked her how she views the future with you? Has anyone made a commitment that you and Bravo won't be intimate? Have you promised Bravo you will lie to Bean about your intimacy with him? Would it be accurate to say that you and Bravo are both cheating on Bean?

I don't understand how the three of you can expect to have honest relationships among you going forward if you aren't even admitting to each other the level of involvement currently going on.
 
No, I wouldn't say that Bean and I are in love. We enjoy each other's company but I don't hold romantic feelings for her and I'm fairly certain she doesn't have them for me. We're more friends with benefits I guess.

You're right though, there's enough "he said, she said" and I probably just need to work up the courage to tell to her about her vision for the future myself.
 
SlowPoly said:
I don't understand how the three of you can expect to have honest relationships among you going forward if you aren't even admitting to each other the level of involvement currently going on.
Click to expand...

He might be poly but no one knows.
She might want a monogamous relationship with him but no one knows.
He might leave you for a monogamous relationship with her but no one knows.
He might be mono or poly but has no idea​

It sounds to me like there are several relationships built on hinting, guessing, and in some cases outright dishonesty. I find it unlikely that this will be a sturdy foundation to build a relationship on (let alone a web on interconnecting relationships). I get that you're are talking to each other but unfortunately no useful information is being exchanged.

SlowPoly is right, this hinting and hoping is for the birds and is only serving to build anxiety for everyone involved. If you want an adult relationship(s), you need to act like adults and actually speak to one another. I strongly suggest you and he sit down and *explicitly* discuss your expectations of how you see your relationship and what would be a perfect outcome. Ask frank and direct questions and be prepared to hear some answers you don't like.
 
why does he need to tell her? honestly if he wants to share that with her then it's between the two of them. i would try not to impose on their relationship.
 
OP, I think you're being incredibly patient and understanding. I do think you have the right to have her be told. I understand that you and he had a falling out, so I'm not blaming her for finding it awkward to talk about this now. However, it's time, especially for his current reasons for delays.

It'd be one thing if he just didn't know how to bring it up. But the fact that he's doing it because he's afraid if she finds out he loves you, too, that she'll leave? It's very unfair to everyone. If she can't handle it, she's not right for him. And he's not right for her. Suppose it turns out that she doesn't like that he loves you, as he fears? Is it really fair to let her keep investing herself in a relationship that she'll just have to abandon, rather than refocus on a relationship that WILL last for her? Time is precious. Let her know the truth, now, in a gentle way of course. But don't lie to her (you're right in feeling like something is not right here).

I'd also recommend you first talk to him about this (so that you and he get on the same page first and don't cause her to wonder about trust between you two), than have a conversation with all three of you. Best for there to be no misunderstandings by second hand versions of what you/he/she said.
 
Hi Cuppycake,

I think your best move is to tell Bean what the situation is from your perspective. If a monogamous relationship with Bravo isn't available to her, then it's only fair for her to know it.

More difficult but just as necessary is that you should give Bravo a heads-up before you tell Bean. Maybe he'll be mad or upset about it, but it's another layer of fibbing that needs to be stripped away.

Unfortunately you can't control what he tells her.
 
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