Worried unsure need advice

I

Inzpash

New member
I've been in a relationship for the last 5 years, we got married last year. I knew that I the past she had both boyfriends and girlfriend at the same time, but she never really told me about it, or expressed any interest I'm having a girlfriend while we have been together. Within the last 2 weeks I noticed she has been dropping little hints about how she wants a girlfriend. I half way thought she wad kidding. Add it turns out she wasn't kidding.

A few days ago she expressed to me in a serious conversation, that she feels like she is missing out. She wants a female friend that she flirt, and be sexual with. This threw me for a loop. We have talked about having the three ways, which I'm cool with. But she wants one on one time and a relationship with another woman, that I'm not involved in at all. I realize I'm not a woman and I can't give her what a woman can, but I'd does hurt my feeling and makes me insecure even thinking about it. If i agree to open this door i feel like there's no coming back, and I am fearful of what could potentially happen.

She has be totally honest with me about the way she feels. She said she has been keeping an eye out for the right one but had no-one in mind. What she has be doing, is talking with girls, and flirting online. The online thing, gives me bad feelings. Again it makes me feel insecure and depressed.

She told me that I could in turn have a boyfriend, and a relationship with a guy. I've never been worth a guy. I'm open-minded and maybe a little curious but I'm definitely not sure. Then she said that she would even be willing to let me have a girlfriend also. I guess I wouldn't mind having being sexual with another person, but I don't really want to have a second full blown relationship. Again all this scares me of the possible outcome. I don't know how too feel. She reassures me that she's not going to do any of this behind my back, without my approval, and I believe her. But the online thing with other girls around the county trips me out. I see them flirtatiously commenting on posts and it makes me feel uneasy and I feel a need to make a comment myself as her husband.

Anyways I've said enough, I really hope someone can give me some information or advice on what I should do as a loving husband, who Just wants to live a happy life... Thanks.
 
What do you think could "potentially happen" if she has a girlfriend on the side?

If you can't be comfortable with it, then tell her you can't be comfortable with it.
 
You seem okay with the idea of poly and dealing with unfamiliar feelings of jealousy even though you trust her. Welcome to the learning curve. Sounds about normal for a kick off.

I'd say discuss your concerns with her. What is bothering you? Also, her being poly does not mean you MUST be, unless you are interested. And it is absolutely fine to ask her to be more attentive and loving with you if you need it or feel ignored with her excitement of NRE.

Take a moment to feel good that you are able to understand her and want the best for both of you without any drama or overreactions.
 
Hi Inzpash,

If you are worried that your wife will leave you, you should consider that she might leave you even if you don't agree to her having another woman. Relationships always have a risk factor. You have to figure out whether you can stand knowing she has the freedom to pursue another woman, even if none of your fears about it would come to pass. Maybe you would resent the time she spent with the other woman. That's something to consider.

In any case, you have multiple discussions yet to be had with her, you should share all your fears and concerns with her and see what she says. She is offering you the freedom to find your own "extra" person, and that freedom isn't making you feel better about the whole thing. Tell her this. Or, if you already did, tell us (if you're willing) how she responded.

I hope you can get this worked out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
After I posted this we had another long discussion, where I expressed all of my concerns. I'm not worried she is going to leave me for another relationship. I'm worried that feelings of jealously would ruin my thinking. Within the last three days this has been all I can think about and is making be half way crazy. I really have no one I can talk to about this except her, and you guys. The first three years we were together the sex was great, and often. In the last 2 lives get busy we have less time for each other and sex lives put the back burner. I'm struggling with the idea that she want to have a new sexual relationship when we barley have time for our own.

The other thing that get to me is the internet thing. She has always be stuck to get phone doing social media, it bothered me sometimes. Now she told she has joined poly groups, and is flirting and messaging other girls. I feel like she should have told me before she started doing this and that it's crossing the line. I told her this and she looked at me and almost started crying, and said so I can't message them anymore. I said I don't care. But honestly now every time I see her looking at her phone I feel jealous. And she is looking at the phone almost ever waking moment.

I seriously need to consider if I can be ok with all this. If I agree, I know she will have her girlfriend within 2 weeks. She is super outgoing people person. Me not so much. I won't be able to able to find another partner as easily. I'm a good looking guy but I'm shy soft spoken and insecure.

Anyways when we talked and I voiced all of my issues with her, she told my I was thinking to far ahead about the possible what it's. Like things start out with the Best intentions and the tumble out of control. We have worked hard to build a good live together, and I feel like that life could potentially be threatened by introducing this into our relationship.
She says I'm over thinking it. She just want a best friend she can hang out with, go shopping with, and have sex with.

I'm a process person. If something needs to be done or a new idea comes, I think about it research it and eventually make a decision, with all possible outcomes. She knows this about me, and knows I Need time with it. My question is should I ask her to stop messaging girls online until I can make a decision one way or another.? Thank you for your input.
 
Inzpash said:
She says I'm over thinking it.
Click to expand...

This concerns me. Being unsure or jealous is fairly normal for the situation you find yourself in. And whether normal or not, as a person faced with profound change, there will be a necessity to take it at a pace you can handle. If she is dismissing it, in my view, it does not bode well. Add to it your certainty that if you agree, within two weeks she will be with someone.... not getting one of those "all is well" vibes.
 
Inzpash said:
Now she told she has joined poly groups, and is flirting and messaging other girls. I feel like she should have told me before she started doing this and that it's crossing the line. I told her this and she looked at me and almost started crying, and said so I can't message them anymore. I said I don't care. But honestly now every time I see her looking at her phone I feel jealous. And she is looking at the phone almost ever waking moment.
Click to expand...

This does not sound like healthy relating. You expressed a concern, she responded with emotional manipulation, then you told her you don't care.

But you DO care. It sounds as though the two of you need to have an honest conversation, in which you both state your needs and concerns. If your current agreements aren't working any more, new agreements could be made.
 
Re (from Inzpash):
"My question is should I ask her to stop messaging girls online until I can make a decision one way or another?"
Click to expand...

Yes, you should.
 
I'm not even sure where to start. I'm sorry you're in so much fear and doubt. Don't try poly if you feel it would damage you. You have every right to not participate. But don't dismiss it just because of fear either.
Let me share this article with you. If you do decide to give it a go, it's a good indicator of direction. And it's short enough, so you could read it together with your wife. 10-realistic-rules-for-good-non-monogamous-relationships
But really, I get the feeling that what's going on here is both her and you being dissatisfied in the relationship, and her trying to solve it by "adding people". You need to do the work on yourself and your relationship. If you're jumping into poly, it's gonna amplify all problems and make you do the work pretty fucking intensely, or crash and burn.

I'm not sure if you should ask her to stop flirting online. She's got an outlet there which is perhaps relatively harmless. But you should certainly ask her not to proceed for at least a few months. If she's willing, take half a year to accept the change and do the work.

To contradict myself a little, you don't have to be perfect (like embodying every single point in that article) to do poly. You're almost certainly worrying too much. But the worry is telling you something.
 
Last edited:
Thank all of you for your advice avid reference. I still feel highly uncomfortable. I need to figure out what I have to say in the next conversation, and make it completely clear how I feel. Thanks again
 
Your wife has certainly not thought this through.

Inzpash said:
She told me that I could in turn have a boyfriend, and a relationship with a guy.
Click to expand...
No. As soon as half a dyad starts "allowing" the other to do something, it plainly means there are issues, likely being avoided.

Worse, when Partner A allows Partner B to do something that doesn't come naturally to B, in order to somehow "balance" A's behavior, this does tend to signal something that might be expressed as "kiss my feet, this is what I'm going to do, whatever YOU feel." Not respectful, not partnership.

It is not at all unusual (both IME & from posts here, some quite recent) that the "first out" partner goes into a controlling jealous panic when their "laggard" partner actually takes steps in that direction. Even an innocent social outing can provoke a meltdown.
 
She should own the fact she went behind your back. YES she should quit the online flirting for now while you two have a chance to process (argh! I hate that word) this. Call her on her guilt-tripping you.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top