Would this ring alarm bells to you.

J

JK40

New member
Please forgive me if I dont use termonology well...still new and dont know what all of it is.

My partner (I will call Him AB) is married. His wife has said she wants her and his outside partners distinctly seperate. Nobody is to meet or know any details other than names. Ie she and I never meet, her other partners and AB never meet.

Bells ringing yet? (They were for me already). But then goes on to quizz AB about our relationship....wanting to know not only if we have sex but any sexual things we do, including asking specifics such as do AB and I have oral sex, touch each other etc as well as how we share intimacy, and how we show our affection ie do we hug, hold hands etc.

She is unwilling to divulge any of this information about her other relationships to AB.

She is the one who suggested they became poly. Yet gets moody and even storms out of her and AB's home if he tells her the things she is asking him about. If he refuses to tell her she has the same reaction

I don't get it?

Am I missing something???
AB has been totally open with me about past issues they had etc


I am worried she is going to cause problems in my relationship with AB, she already makes it as difficult for him to contact me and see me as she can. He does not let it affect our relationship where possible and in fact never tells me about her mood swings or rants at him until after he and her have resolved it. Actually he usually does not bring it up but I can sense when he has things on his mind. He is trying his best to keep his two relationships balanced and equal.

Could that be her issue? That AB and I are so much in love and show so much affection?

In all honesty...and speaking frankly...yes we are intimate on occasion but not as often as she perhaps thinks. Again being totally open...in the 4 months we have been a couple we have sex 3 or 4 times...so it really is not the foundation our relationship is built on.

I would really appreciate any constructive input here. At the moment I feel like wife see's me as the bad guy here and it feels like she wants other partners but is not happy for AB to.

I don't know... like I say he rarely tells me these things but recently has said wife has made things as difficult for him to have a relationship with me as she can right from the start, and continues to do so. I don't know how as he is respectful enough to her to keep that between him and her.

AB on the other hand would be more than happy for all partners she has to meet him and for me to meet her just so there are no future awkward meetings.

Hope ive worded this so it comes across right. AB is an extremely attentive man, who truly loves his wife...and me... and strives to keep a good balance in both relationships.

Have I landed myself in the middle of a messy marriage?
 
IMO it is an issue between AB and his wife. There is already an agreement between them to keep relationships separate. If this is getting violated or renegotiated, it is still between them.

I don't think you wading into this in any manner will help. Even if your intention is only to reassure her. If she wants reassurance from you, she will seek it. If she is going through jealousy issues, her thinking their intimate problems are being discussed with you will only make the situation more difficult.

If she is interfering with your relationship in any way, the right person to discuss this with is your partner, who is the hinge.

Probably sucks to see your partner stressed and able to do nothing about it. Sometimes in such a situation, I make sure to recognize that doing nothing is doing the most helpful thing. And then actively do it and spend a moment congratulating myself on being supportive in the best possible way. *shrug* keeps my twitchy and proactive mind fooled and gets through the moment without feeling like I have no choices. A strategic silence is a choice. :cool:

Note: IMO DADT is asking for trouble. But it is what it is.
 
The first thing rings no bells for me because I prefer to keep things separate. I'm just not the kitchen table poly type.

What sets the bells off is her crossing her own boundaries. Obviously she is still working things out. She has some insecurity issues she needs to work on. As anamikanon said, this is between AB and his wife. Hopefully she can get her act together.
 
Oh no, I have no intentions of approaching her at all, I respect that she wishes to have that boundary.

Their agreement is to keep it all seperate including details bitt hen she specifically asks AB details about our relationship.
What I think most worries me is the extent she would go to in trying to prevent him and I having our time together. AB never goes into details about his marriage with me, it is all kept vague out of respect for her. Which is ok by me, as you say thst is their business.
 
JK40 said:
What I think most worries me is the extent she would go to in trying to prevent him and I having our time together.
Click to expand...

You say so far, AB is managing this well. Trust him. He seems to be a good hinge in a difficult situation. Don't anticipate problems, it tends to make us overreact. First act of war being defense and all. If it ain't broke, have fun.
 
What rings the alarm bells to me is her, on the spot, rewriting the rules/boundaries she and AB had already set. First she wants no details, then she demands them, then gets angry when she doesn't like them. It all seems rather gross to me.

Plus, are you comfortable with this woman you haven't met, and presumably won't, knowing that kind of detail about your sex life?
 
anamikanon said:
You say so far, AB is managing this well. Trust him. He seems to be a good hinge in a difficult situation. Don't anticipate problems, it tends to make us overreact. First act of war being defense and all. If it ain't broke, have fun.
Click to expand...

I know that's one of my flaws....anticipating problems.
I know I wold obviously think so but he is a really loving patient gentle man.
I do think he is managing a difficult situation well
 
PurpleSun said:
What rings the alarm bells to me is her, on the spot, rewriting the rules/boundaries she and AB had already set. First she wants no details, then she demands them, then gets angry when she doesn't like them. It all seems rather gross to me.

Plus, are you comfortable with this woman you haven't met, and presumably won't, knowing that kind of detail about your sex life?
Click to expand...

At first no, I wasn't happy at the thought of her knowing intimate details. By the way he didn't actually go into as much detail as she was asking, he told her out of respect for me that was private but all she needed to know is we do use protection.

I wouldn't want to know details like that if he has any other partners in the future, nor of is his marriage.

It seems ok for her to demand instant changes to the ground rules but won't negotiate when he wants them.

obviously i only know what he tells me, I don't know the other half of the story. It just seems very unreasonable to me for her to act this way.

Their issues yes and hopefully it won't affect things with me and AB.
 
Although the problem affects you, it's really a problem with the primary couple. He seems to be a good hinge. I feel you are unable to help them sort this problem out because of your obvious bias towards AB. Any help you give may be counterproductive and flame the jealousy from his wife.

I'd continue to let them sort it out. If you want brownie points from AB, tell him gently that you want to respect his wife's privacy when he feels tempted to share their relationship with you. Basically, anything that he tells you about them, that his wife would probably not consent to, is a boundary that you and AB should not cross. AB will probably respect you for that if you stop him from crossing that boundary at a time of weakness for him.

Sounds tough. Maybe you'd like to comment on this thread about FMF vs MFM polys?
 
I have no intentions of contacting her at all and AB never goes into details about his marriage to me, I respect their privacy as he does ours. It isn't about me wanting to interfere in their relationship or have any contact with wife.

Like i say he has told me of previous issues they had but without many details, wife is rarely mentioned and usually only mentioned briefly when I ask if there is anything wrong.

I do worry about how he is managing, but I don't ask about his marriage at all. I haven't even said to him "I'm here anytime you need someone to talk to about it".
If it was anything else I would say Im here anytime day or night, but I have made a point not to about this.

I guess it's just natural concern about my partner. I know he is a strong man and can cope, and he is very fair and considerate but I still care about him.

Boundaries and privacy are respected by AB and I regarding both relationships. I'm a natural worrier though and over think things even though I try not to. I suppose what it boils down to is I am worried the pressure will become too much and my relationship with AB will end or suffer as a result, and I have discussed that with him, he was very understanding and reassuring.
 
Oh and I just wanted to say thank you to all of you who took time to reply. It is appreciated and it has helped me.
 
As a fellow newbie who is the hinge in a MFM relationship, and an arm in a FMF relationship (and have been muddling through my own insecurity issues) my interpretation is that she is really insecure and has some stuff she needs to work on.

Wanting to keep things apart isn't a problem unto itself, it's more like she don't know her own boundaries? Which I get. Sometimes we overestimate how comfortable we are with things. It could also be that their marriage is in a rough patch and what she hoped would make her feel better really isn't.
In the end, it is up to AB to handle. And it sounds like he's doing a good job so far. I wouldn't let catastrophic thinking really run away with you. Which if you're naturally anxious like me it can be hard

Best of luck!
 
Yes I suffer anxiety..and agorophobia and health issues..which is why it amazes me I even met AB in the first place lol.

My mind tends to run away with itself conjuring up all the worst case scenario etc. AB does know all this about me and is up for the challenge 😀. He is really good at reassuring me even if it is something I have had been anxious about before.

I am just glad there are people here willing to offer their advice and share experiences etx.
 
JK40 said:
Yes I suffer anxiety..and agorophobia and health issues..which is why it amazes me I even met AB in the first place lol.

My mind tends to run away with itself conjuring up all the worst case scenario etc. AB does know all this about me and is up for the challenge 😀. He is really good at reassuring me even if it is something I have had been anxious about before.

I am just glad there are people here willing to offer their advice and share experiences etx.
Click to expand...

I've only been here a few days and it's helped tremendously
 
JK40 said:
At first no, I wasn't happy at the thought of her knowing intimate details. By the way he didn't actually go into as much detail as she was asking, he told her out of respect for me that was private but all she needed to know is we do use protection.

I wouldn't want to know details like that if he has any other partners in the future, nor of is his marriage.

It seems ok for her to demand instant changes to the ground rules but won't negotiate when he wants them.

obviously i only know what he tells me, I don't know the other half of the story. It just seems very unreasonable to me for her to act this way.

Their issues yes and hopefully it won't affect things with me and AB.
Click to expand...

Believe me, it will affect things with you and AB. It sounds to me like this woman can make demands on him, flip on a dime...and it sounds like she may be heading toward veto power. She may even have it, and when that comes into play, she may demand that he stop seeing you altogether, which would leave you out in the cold. I'd definitely prepare for this scenario.
 
Hi JK40,

Sounds like AB's wife is causing quite a few problems ... That must be frustrating. When you know there are things going on, but there's nothing you can do about them. I am glad the forum has been a help to you so far, and hope that continues.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top