WTF?

W

westVan

New member
I need input into this weekend. I'm having a WTF moment.

The best place to start is the beginning. I hadn't spent any significant time with bf for over 5 months. He's here for 5 days, great time together, so I hoped. But it didn't turn out the way I had hoped, so I need some perspective on what went down.

Wednesday night he arrives late. We spend the night reconnecting, as I always have trouble connecting after not seeing each other for that long. Great sex, fall asleep in each others arms, all is good.

Thursday we both have work, so up early. He is planning a few meetings, then back to my place to work online till I get home. I leave work early, excited that he is waiting for me. I want to know that feeling of what it's like to come home to someone. Nope. I get home and he's not around. I get a text saying he's working at an office downtown and will be back around 6:30.

I'm really disappointed, but we have always said work first, so whatever. So move one. Right... I prep dinner. He gets back close to 7. We sit down to eat and he gets a text message from his wife telling him her flight arrived and what her plans are with her bf for the weekend. They are texting back and forth while eating dinner.

I go ballistic-- "This can't wait? How rude to text while we are eating." I would be that way with anyone, but I had spent hours cooking what I thought was a romantic dinner, and he's spending the time texting his wife. So we have a big fight and a bad night.

Friday he is is off to another town for the day, so early up and off to the airport for him, and work for me. He'll be back by 8. It was a fine night.

Saturday nothing special planned. Just walking around town and shopping. But he has arranged for us to have sex with someone I have never met, and I don't think he had either.

On top of that, in the morning he informs me that 5 months ago he and his wife had unprotected sex with a person they didn't know. First I have heard of this. He informs me this is not the first time since we have been together this has happened and won't be the last. I am uncomfortable with this information, but rather than react I take the day to process the information.

Saturday night everything goes down hill. I can't have sex with someone I don't know. I am not into it.

The knowledge of them having unprotected sex really is a concern to me. So again, a loud discussion, and we go to bed without touching or talking.

Today, Sunday, we talked. He seems to think he is being ethical. He has the right in his marriage to do what they want without my knowledge, consent or concern. But to me, it puts my health at risk when they engage in this behaviour, or at least that is how I feel.

Am I wrong in saying this is unacceptable behaviour, because I will never accept this in a relationship?
 
westVan said:
Am I wrong in saying this is unacceptable behaviour, because I will never accept this in a relationship?
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With all due respect, what kind of dumbass question is this? You know very well what the answer is to this question. DTMFA!!!

What a rude, disrespectful arse. His wife can do whatever she wants with him and let them play Russian roulette with their health, but you don't have to be victim to their self-centred actions. :mad:
 
Yes, it's unacceptable.

My question is the so-called 'dumbass' question arose because there are those in the poly world who are so big on labeling things 'controlling.'

Yes, you absolutely have a right to know about things that affect your health. Dump this guy.
 
Dumped

It was over between us as soon as he told me what they did, no need to doubt that, but was just having a WTF moment.
 
Ah, darn it, where's the thumbs-up smiley!? :)

There were many reasons I chose to become a single mother to a big bunch, with only a part time job. Ex-h taking chances with my health was one of the big ones. I can get a job, I can get ten jobs, but I can't necessarily get my health back.

I hope things are going well for you.
 
What agreements did you actually have regarding safer sex and also communicating with other partners whilst together?

He seems to think he is being ethical and they have the right to do what they want without my knowledge, consent, or concern. But it puts my health at risk when they engage in this behaviour.
Am I wrong in saying this is unacceptable...?
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Well, this is what I mean. What arrangement did you actually make with one another? You see, if you only made agreements to fluid bond and no stipulations about who else he can fluid bond with, then he hasn't done anything wrong. If you think he is too risky to fluid bond with, use condoms.
 
Am I wrong in saying this is unacceptable...?
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Wrong for whom? You can express how you feel in appropriate ways. There's nothing wrong with that.

If you had established "up front" disclosure agreements between you, and he had sex with you, and later told you about unprotected sex encounters, he failed to meet agreements between you "up front." It's behavior done/not done, and he failed to do. His behavior is UNACCEPTABLE to you.

If you did not spell this out, and assumed, now you know other people don't have the same expectations/assumptions as you do. You could take more care with your own-well being and not fluid bond with partners who are not aware of what is/is not important to you in regards to sex hygiene. You could make them aware. In this scenario, his behavior was unacceptable to you. Your behavior (in assuming) did not serve you well.

Either way, whether from broken agreements or assumptions, you probably still feel yucky, along with break-up UGH. So I'm sorry. :(

And either way, you still get to decide what you will/will not participate in next time. So now you get to choose what to do next for yourself and your well-being.

Hang in there,
Galagirl
 
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westVan said:
It was over between us as soon as he told me what they did, no need to doubt that. I was just having a WTF moment.
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I am glad you are happy with your decision to end the relationship, but I would also like to encourage you to take a look at your part in what went wrong. So often when people break up they tend to super-focus on the sins of the other person and neglect the opportunity to improve their own skill sets.

For instance, the texting during dinner debacle. Are you aware of the basis for such a high level of emotional reaction on your end? Have you taken some time to reflect on your expectations and whether or not they are reasonable to put onto your partner?

Also, take a look at your decision to get involved with what sounds like a strictly hierarchical married couple in which "secondary" couples receive drastically reduced ability to influence their own relationships. While there is a third party who gets authority over your relationship there will always be a very real risk of this kind of odd power struggle (which you will always lose).

Anyway, it sounds like this guy was a real dud, but it also seems clear enough that he wasn't working alone. You probably helped quite a bit. So I hope you take the time to learn from it.
 
Marcus said:
... I would also like to encourage you to take a look at your part in what went wrong. So often when people break up they tend to super-focus on the sins of the other person and neglect the opportunity to improve their own skill sets.
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Yes, I have taken some time and still am reflecting on my part in all of it. I truly believe in being accountable for my own actions, emotions and responses.

I had laid out my limits and expectations with regards to unprotected sex to both him and his wife (among other limits), and they had independently agreed to them. This is a hard limit for me that will not change ever. He needs that in his life because, as he puts it, "It is who he is."

We didn't end in anger, just a quiet sad discussion that we are at an impasse and we will never get over it. Not trying to change each other, just the way it is. I will miss him, and am sad it came to this, but there is no going back.
 
I need clarification: he told you he and his wife had unprotected sex with a stranger 5 months ago after he had unprotected sex with you?
 
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yep

bookbug said:
I need clarification: he told you he and his wife had unprotected sex with a stranger 5 months ago after he had unprotected sex with you?
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Yes, that is correct. And apparently this wasn't the first time it has happened. And no, he was not tested since.

I have a doctor's appointment on Wednesday to be tested.
 
Yeah, I am just kind of speechless.
 
Yeah, telling you after sex with you-- that's fucked up.

He does have the right to be as dangerous as he wishes with his own body, and his wife does, as well. However, every person has a responsibility to tell any other person they are going to have sex with about the risks that come with that.

I would be greatly offended by that, as well.

I deserve to decide the level of risk I take, but I can only do that if my partners are upfront and honest with me.
 
westVan said:
Saturday nothing special planned . . . but he has arranged for us to have sex with someone I have never met . . .
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WTF???!!!

This thread is aptly named. If I had been in your shoes, the moment he spoke those words I would have stopped him and said, "Pack up your bags and call the airline immediately to change your return flight. You are leaving now."

I choose whom I fuck. No one else has a say about what I do with my body and with whom I share myself.

Is he insane?

westVan said:
. . . on top of that in the morning he informs me that 5 months ago he and wife had unprotected sex with a person they didn't know.
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Well, it seems their kink is anonymous sex with random strangers. But he had no right to make that choice for you, nor to keep you informed about what they were doing so you could take care of yourself.

You've been with this guy for three years or so, right? I know in one thread you stated that the wife had ended your 3-year relationship with him when you went to ask for certain considerations, but this situation sounds like the same people. If it is the same guy, I would wonder if he and she have been doing this sort of shit all along. He is not trustworthy at all.

westVan said:
It was over between us as soon as he told me what they did, no need to doubt that. I was just having a WTF moment.
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I am glad to read that you have enough of a sense of self-esteem and backbone to end it. He is a creep.

However, your other threads here do seem to usually focus on how to deal with a lot of unreasonable crap in your relationship, such as the wife making rules for your relationship with him, not being "allowed" to be seen out with him when you're in his town, his habit of spending large amounts of his time with you either texting her or talking to you about her, them expecting you to participate in activities they like but you do not... the list goes on and on.

And yet you are sad to see it end.

In your previous posts, you would usually express frustration with him, while making his wife out to be more of the "bad guy," even though he was the one you were involved with and the one who expected you to accept their rules in order to be with him. You have also said that you value your independence. I am glad you are looking at the part you played and how you caved and accepted all that, so that your independence, autonomy, and self-authority is not just some idea you pay lip service to any more, and something you really start advocating for and creating for yourself.
 
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