Yahoo Advice Article on Boyfriend's Request to Open Relationship

Al99

Al99

Well-known member
https://www.yahoo.com/beauty/ask-polly-wanted-open-relationship-131354184.html

I just happened to run across this article while perusing the Yahoo home page. It is not a particularly insightful article but thought I would post the link anyway.

There was one interesting quote in response to the girlfriend's question "Why am I not enough?" (The usual poly-bomb response question). Polly, the advice columnist (ironically enough), answered:

Claiming that you’re “not enough” for someone who wants an open relationship is like saying that a socket wrench is not enough for a freshwater trout. The two things are completely unrelated to each other. That’s why arguing “I should be enough for you!” does nothing.
Click to expand...

I going to have to give that just a bit of thought. :)

Al
 
"Why am I not enough?" is like saying, "I am failing you in some way, otherwise you wouldn't be turning to this dysfunctional relationship model." It is a very common reaction to "the poly bomb" on the part of the struggling mono partner.

I guess that's what it's all about, is a single partner not being enough. The urge to "go poly" is about seeking multiple partners by definition. Anyway that's general poly.

Specific poly is when a second partner is already picked out, from a pool of known persons. In which case the first partner is "not enough" because the first partner can't *be* another person; the first partner can't *be* the (proposed) second partner.
 
I kinda like the "wrench/trout" riposte, a nice changeup on "fish/bicycle." But it doesn't quite fit the purpose to which the writer puts it.

Anyway. Usually, I'm pretty good at empathizing with a stance that I don't share. But the "not enough" thing has always eluded me (a bit down the road from "putting the spark back in our marriage" :rolleyes:).

It seems to depend from all sorts of questionable assumptions about what's right or normal or natural, & how those things fail when questioned, or even examined closely -- maybe something simple like admitting to having a vague brief sexual fantasy about a passing stranger.

Some would argue that having such thoughts, even once, makes that person "poly."

The Psych Dept of my old alma mater (U of Minn @ Morris) asked a bunch of undergrad guys to click a little handheld counter every time they had a thought about sex. The average: once every 40 seconds. :D I never heard if they repeated it with women, but THAT would be interesting.

I doubt that most of those fleeting thoughts found the young man thinking only about his One True Love For Eternity (probably out of sight at that instant). Some would argue that most of those guys were therefore "poly."

With all those "poly" people running around loose, it's clearly just a matter of organizing before we take over the nation. ;) (No, I don't believe that. At all. :p)

NRE & limerence are corrupted with Romance by Monogamism to enshrine the belief in "one is enough" -- something that certainly CAN be true for some, & IME has been true for me for periods of time under certain circumstances.

For many (most?) people, when "the spark" begins to fade (as it generally does, even if just wax/wane), then rather than work to ensure the relationship becomes grounded & mature & stable, they fall to mourning &/or blaming, because Romance has taught them that "the SPARK is everything!!"

So "not enough" seems only a means of blame, whether accepting or laying. More (IMNSHO) ought first to be asking how the hell they got it so WRONG in the first place... :eek:
 
Good sentiment, bad analogy. It's kind of like saying a fish doesn't need a socket wrench like I don't need you.

My first thought to the question of "Why am I not enough" is "if you weren't enough, I wouldn't be with you at all."
 
The Psych Dept of my old alma mater (U of Minn @ Morris) asked a bunch of undergrad guys to click a little handheld counter every time they had a thought about sex. The average: once every 40 seconds. I never heard if they repeated it with women, but THAT would be interesting.

Did that take into account that merely holding an object they had to click when they thought about sex would cause them to think about sex? :D
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top