Your first metamour

V

Vendividiamavi

New member
Okay so along with the discussion of the present, I'd like to also have a better understanding of what to bring up about the future. Sorry for the many different posts lately I just feel your posts help point our conversation in the right direction.

So on to the bulk of this post:How did conversation leading up to meeting your first metamour go? How was your first experience meeting a metamour? I'm looking for the good and also the bad. And how did your relationship develop if at all? How have you gotten along with those you haven't liked? What are some of the best moments with your meta?
 
I'm new to poly and have only met a couple of my metamours. My girlfriend has at least a few people and my wife has a woman she's dating.

I actually just met my wife's girlfriend and said girlfriend's husband tonight. Both of them were really cool. It's probably unsurprising that sometimes those that we are close to have similar tastes in friends and lovers. These two people seem approachable, and I would love to hang out with them again.

My metamours on my girlfriend's side are largely cloaked in mystery. Most of them are just names. In fact, I get the extremely strong impression that with most of them, their relationships to my girlfriend are distant and very casual. I have only met one of them, and it ends up he was a coworker in another department and shift at the place I work. This man is deeply in the closet about poly, and it was my understanding that this was for professional reasons. Despite my liking and getting along with him decently in the past, I had misgivings about his relationship with my girlfriend. I filed this under jealousy and my limited experience with the guy.

While there may have been truth to his being in the closet for professional reasons, it recently came to light that at least part of his closet-y ways are because he's trying to woo a woman who sounds very mono. In the process, he ended up disregarding my girlfriend's boundaries and treating her as an optional person. This displeased me, but I stayed out of it and just acted as a sympathetic ear for her. It's not my place to tell my two-month girlfriend that I think her 10+ year love is being a dirtbag. She ended up stepping back from him very recently. I will say that this all makes me leery of her other metamours, particularly since she has some unfortunate doormat tendencies. This isn't a worry I really air to her, I just try to empower her as much as possible in our relationship. The way I look at it, rather than try to lecture at her or interrogate her about her other partners, I can just show her what a healthy relationship looks like by my actions and she can make her own judgments.

The tl;dr is that I feel I've learned some important things so far about metamour relations. It can be great if you can be friends. It's okay to know of each other but not hang out, though I think everyone knowing the other exists is the most ethical way to go (particularly when sex is involved). I think it's a very good idea to not get entangled in your metamour's relationships. You can only control yourself, and your relationship with your significant other must be your focus; not their relationships with other people. I would disregard these sentiments immediately if I thought my paramours or any children involved were in danger, of course.
 
I knew my metamour a little before I actually met her husband, we met at conventions occasionally. So there were no conversations prior to seeing her, rather some situations that were awkward to me at that time, like "Wait, I am cuddling your husband, are you really not getting jelous?" and her laughing at my fear.
I consider this ideal, yet the relationship with her went ill after some time, I think since I knew her I could have guessed from the beginning, if I was more experienced in poly.
 
I do not date poly men any longer. After over a half dozen experiences where I had someone who I did not know or even meet was trying to impose their wants and needs over mine and control my relationship. I decided it wasn't with the headache.

I do not enjoy being forced to be friends with someone not of my choosing.
 
My last two boyfriends weren't seeing anyone else while they were with me, so I didn't have metamours.

I've only been seeing Boots for four weeks. With him, I have a metamour, because while he doesn't identify as polyamorous he does consider himself capable of handling more than one romantic relationship and has been with Glow for just over a year. I met her this past week at a dinner for polyamorous women, and she's a sweetheart. Definitely someone I would want to be friends with under other circumstances, but I'm finding I'm not comfortable with the idea of having a full-blown friendship with her when we're metamours. If I go to other things with the polyamory group that hosted the dinner, I'll enjoy talking with her, and of course if we're in the same place for some other social events I'll be friendly, but having a friendship with her separate from our connection through Boots is too line-blurring for me.
 
I've dated both mono guys and poly men. There is something to be said about not having to worry about a metamour imposing rules and drama into my relationships! However, I've had both good and bad metamour relationships.

Two really stick out for me.

My first metamour was my ex-boyfriend's wife. I told him that it was important for me to meet her, because I did feel uneasy about not meeting someone who was so clearly important to him. She was nervous about me too, so we had a brief hello conversation at a Starbucks over coffee and tea.

I thought it went really well and at first everything seemed ok. However, more and more, my ex was unable to meet my minimum requirements for a relationship - two date nights a week, with one of those being an overnight. I tried to meet with him while she was at work, but it seemed soon every time we had a meeting planned, she would get squirrelly and have a meltdown or an argument. At least, that's what he would blame our not getting together on, anyway. She found my journal here, became angry about what I had written and called it unfair. However, nothing I wrote was untrue, as far as facts go, and my feelings were my feelings.

The other metamour experience I want to mention was soon after that - a guy I was dating lived with his girlfriend. The first night we all had dinner together, I was snowed in at their house and she was SO very accommodating. She welcomed me in, allowed me both together and alone time with my guy, and never made me feel uncomfortable. She left for work early the next day, but on the counter, she left a package of my favorite tea, a dark chocolate granola bar (I had mentioned I LOVE dark chocolate in passing) and a hand written note telling me it had been so nice to meet me. I never felt like this boyfriend had to ever ask for permission to see me, or to get approval for scheduling. I am sure he probably did, but he didn't share any drama with me, ever.
 
I currently do not have any metamours, though I met am ex-girlfriend of my boyfriend (there is, or at least was, a possibility they would get back together) over dinner. She brought her husband with and it had a nice double date feel.

As for conversation leading up, it was nothing memorable, probably "Hey, would you like to get dinner with such and such ppl". I was a little nervous about it, I wasnt sure how many together type activities we were going to be doing, and I wanted her to like me. That and I'm a bit younger then the above described group, and was worried that I wouldn't be able to relate.

But it went fine, everyone was funny and inclusive. :)
 
My first metamour started out ok....we were already acquainted through a mutual interest/club. It had the potential to be a decent friendship of sorts only she turned out to not be very stable. Our relationship waffled between 'ignore the new girl and pretend she doesn't exit' and 'stalk the new girl and scare her away from my man.' She was definitely a cowgirl....successful in that he did drop one LDR for her. Unsuccessful in that he eventually got sick of the crazy.
 
I have my first meta right now, more or less. I thought we could have a good friendship, though I think what she really wants is to date both of us. She is pretty mono-minded and I think she thought it would help her wrap her head around it, especially future stuff. But after a while I was caring a lot more for her constant worrying and I've had to take a step back. I am still friendly, but trying to be careful not too take on her feelings too much; they are not my responsibility to fix, though I try to be compassionate.
 
Hi Vendi,

I have only ever had one metamour, and I met him at the same time as when I met his wife, about ten years before the three of us decided to be more than just friends. He and I are still just friends, but we get along well. Things were hard for a few years at the beginning of our V, but we gradually worked things out.

My metamour has been immensely generous to me over the years, and has stuck up for me when the chips were down. He and his wife have both been lifesavers ... and I never earned that privilege.

That's my story.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
My first metamore was a cowgirl, years later we became Facebook friends lol

My husband was 20 and met a girl online, he'd only kissed me and I agreed he could have aex with her ONE time. Well he continued to see her after and we split up up. He left her a couple months later to get back with me and a year later I was willing for him to date her, I even offered to let her move in. She ended things with him saying she couldn't share. He and I had an amicable split because he wanted to pursue things with her but by then she was seeing someone new. He and I stayed split up for 14 months
 
It didn't go well with my first. He knew he was messing up his marriage so he saw me as a threat. He ended up totally screwing up and Cat and I ended up living together. That was twenty years ago.

More recently, I met the guy Sprite shares an apartment with. That went way more smoothly. They are all a very close knit group. They even occasionally double date with the other people they are seeing. Right now I feel like an outsider.
 
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