yup. still frustrated :'(

P

polypiesofly

New member
Ok, so I kinda posted a bit about this before. ..but I was frustrated because my metemore (spelling? Pronunciation? Origin of word? ) wants nothing to do with me. I established this is common and normal, and decided to move on. . But she continues to say she wants friendship with me; and even told my hubby we "talk everyday"....?? Anyways, I've probably called her 30x since we've met and she has LITERALLY. NEVER. answered one of my calls. It bothers me because she insists she wants to get to know me, etc.. but clearly she does not.

I'm very open with my hubby, and I don't believe any good comes from dishonesty. .so I told my hubby how I was feeling when he confronted me. He immediately called her from my phone, then his. When she answered his call and not mine, he accused her of not giving me a chance to be her friend. Of course she was defensive and I was flooded with embarrassment. I felt like he betrayed my confidence by outing me on my feelings that I only told him because I trust him entirety (which I obviously don't with some Stanger )...

So of course nothing was resolved and I just feel like a crazy person.

I've deleted her number from my phone so I don't end up having a few drinks and saying something I'll regret.

She also denys being jealous, but always says stuff like she's upset he's at another girls house. . Of course he didn't tell her he had sex with that girl. ..I wish he'd let her know that he is not exclusive to just her and i... but whenever I tell him "let her know! " he just shakes his head. .. :/
 
Well she's a liar, you know this. If your husband tells you something that isn't true just tell him its a lie. Otherwise I'd just tell your dh to stop talking about her to you and talk to his friends about his relationship issues
 
So he is open to other lovers and sex partners? She really should know about that or he is cheating on her. As far as his girlfriend...she's passive aggressive and there is no future in building a relationship with her. She has made it abundantly clear. I think she prefers to pretend you don't exist.
 
yup

I'm pretty sure you're right. I've even actually said that to a friend of mine that I don't think she can be happy in a world where she pretends her bf isn't happily married. But I keep hoping she'll mature with time since this is her first experience with polyamoury. For now I'm just going to stop attempting to be her friend and let her relationship with hubby be private. What comes with time will be whatever it will be.
 
hmm

As far as my hubby being a liar goes, I met her before him. I explained we're polyamourous, never monogamous. In detail. I think she's trying to change him. But I think him not reinforcing his intent is the same as leading on. I don't think he's lying because she knows he isn't monogamous. . But she's clearly hoping he will be.

One time he was talking to her on speaker phone and she said she wasn't jealous. . I confronted it and said "really? ?? Are you SURe?" Their conversation was about how she was mad he went to another girls house... and I told her "I just hope you understand that we will likely meet many other people, date other people, and become intimate with other people. We are not exclusive. At all. " she seemed embarrassed and insisted she's ok with that. I don't believe her. She regularly gets upset at minor socialization. .
 
That was my first question too. I know I wouldn't take well to my meta breaking in on a relationship conversation I was having with real. And lady and I get along. Of course I'd be more pissed at real for having poor boundaries. But I would also want very little to do with a meta who questions my having emotions and then starts telling me how "we" (the couple) do poly. I would definitely pull back to a more distant v after such a reaction and talk to my boyfriend about needing stronger boundaries between relationship.

Poly pie, I'm sorry this is such a frustrating situation for you. I would imagine the best thing to do is get some separation and not be involved or pulled into to her issues.
 
I think before jumping to conclusions that she's (your metamour) doing this to be malicious, a bit more information would be needed.

How long have they been dating?

How long have you two been together?

Do vetos exist in your relationship? Aka, might she be tip-toeing around, afraid that if you say so, he'll end the relationship?

Does she know about what "rules" (if any) are in your relationship? Do you think she feels pressured to have some kind of a relationship with you? Could you be okay with not being more than friendly with her? In this moment, or perhaps the future?

I think there's a few problems here - number one, to me, is that he is not doing a good job as a hinge. Why are you hearing all about her jealousy? Isn't that private in their relationship? Why in the world did he confront her about her not answering the phone (and not talk to you about it before)?

Maybe she thinks she has to have a relationship with you. Maybe she doesn't like talking on the phone (except with loved ones). Maybe she IS struggling with wanting to be mono - but isn't that on her and him? Maybe she is still adjusting and it will take time, or maybe she just isn't interested in him being poly and their relationship needs are incompatible. Again, on them, not you.

I would advise you set some stronger boundaries about him doing his part hinging. He has the choice not to tell her about him sharing sex with others. I might disagree with that as his partner, but that's his relationship. It feels borderline (or full blown?) cheating on her to me, but if he wants to be unethical, it's his choice. I might decide I don't date people who are unethical, but again that's a choice about my behavior, not his. So if he start telling you about how she's struggling with him being poly? "I hear that this is hard for you, but I am not able to support you in this. I suggest you figured this out with her or get support from friends, therapist, etc."

She does not sound hateful to me. She sounds like she is still trying to figure out if this works for her. Like she is trying on a new dress that isn't quite her style and wearing it around to see if it grows on her.

By him hinging better, you can have your relationship separate from them. Yes, you might have hoped for more of a friend relationship from her right now, but she does not sound up for that. If you want to stop feeling frustrated, it seems like that is what will work right now. Figure out what is effective in the moment, with openness for changes in the future.
 
Sounds to me like she's worried about getting dropped. She sounds insecure, like if she thinks your husband thinks you two don't get along, he'll break up with her.
I would be surprised if she doesn't change a bit of her behavior regarding that now, having been called out on lying about talking to you. Whether that is going to be in the direction of actually talking to you, or just not lying about not talking to you, can't say.


I have a meta who has that fear that if I or our partner's other girlfriend (more me, apparently, because mister and I live together, have kids) don't like her, she's going to be dumped. I imagine it's fairly common.
 
Invi said:
I have a meta who has that fear that if I or our partner's other girlfriend (more me, apparently, because mister and I live together, have kids) don't like her, she's going to be dumped. I imagine it's fairly common.
Click to expand...

Yup, I think Taylor has similar concerns that if I don't like her (or even if she says the "wrong" thing around me), I'll tell Roger to end the relationship, and he will. He has made it quite clear to her that we have no veto in our relationship. I think she'll learn to trust that as time progresses and she can see that we don't have that kind of relationship.

That's how I read this situation as well. Probably didn't help that your husband completely called her out over the phone calls...
 
This is possibly a situation of couple privilege, but I can't tell for sure.
 
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