I think what has happened is that this thread has moved beyond the OP in many respects, and is no longer confined to a purpose of solving the OP's problem. It has evolved into a discussion about what place porn has in our sex lives and whether we have the right to control what others aee thinking. These are valid tangents for a thread like this not in life stories and blogs, and there is no call to keep the flow of discussion confined to only what the OP said.
Polyamory perspective on internet porn?
- Thread starter Cheesehead100
- Start date
I think what has happened is that this thread has moved beyond the OP in many respects, and is no longer confined to a purpose of solving the OP's problem. It has evolved into a discussion about what place porn has in our sex lives and whether we have the right to control what others aee thinking. These are valid tangents for a thread like this not in life stories and blogs, and there is no call to keep the flow of discussion confined to only what the OP said.
AnnabelMore
Active member
I just thought that Rare's final aside there was funny, really, I wasn't thinking of it as real advice.
No, I did see that, I should have clarified that in my last post I began to address the topic more generally, as if it were a philosophical question. I suppose I forgot we're in the New to Poly section, not the General Discussions section.
Carma
New member
What's the topic?
"What do you think of internet porn?"
"Is porn a particular issue in non-monogamous relationships?"
"Does my wife have the right to restrict my use of porn?"
"As long as my wife is having sex with someone else, isn't it okay for me to look at porn if I want to?"
"Is my use of porn a problem?"
Lots of different directions this can go in.
If porn is working out for you, fine. If it's bothering your wife, I guess you've got some things to consider about how well it's really working for you.
"What do you think of internet porn?"
"Is porn a particular issue in non-monogamous relationships?"
"Does my wife have the right to restrict my use of porn?"
"As long as my wife is having sex with someone else, isn't it okay for me to look at porn if I want to?"
"Is my use of porn a problem?"
Lots of different directions this can go in.
If porn is working out for you, fine. If it's bothering your wife, I guess you've got some things to consider about how well it's really working for you.
Rarechild
New member
I admit I did not read all the posts, but now have. I am responding mostly to the icky thought of being told what to think or do, more of a response to the spin-offs.
They are both aware of their personal preferences and acting on them. I would like to see someone try to say to another with a straight face, "I prefer that you watch amateur porn twice a day because I believe starving yourself of internet porn encourages inappropriate thoughts."
Now that I am aware that Mrs. C has shot some porn of herself and it was "Not the same," I can imagine why this has become more of an issue than it probably was before. Comparison (I said imagine).
And yes, I think spiciness can be achieved in-house! And, yes, videos of one or both of them, very much different than stills. Wigs? Costumes? Scenarios? Hidden-camera style?
To OP: have fun with this problem, please. There is freakiness and greater acceptance and knowledge of yourselves and one another to be had. Thanks for the thread.
-R
Rarechild
New member
AnnabelMore
Active member
The pattern fit the way I handle advice-giving on difficult topics in real life... serious advice, serious advice, then close with something totally wacky to lighten the mood. I imagined you saying "win-win" with a nudging, winking sort of thing going on.
CheesyLady
New member
Michelle, I greatly appreciate your thoughts here. They make a lot of sense to me, actually. It seems that Mr. C doing what he's been doing isn't really causing any damage, and maybe I just felt bad that I couldn't be everything for him! Interesting thought considering how I brought up poly for us in the first place!
Ha!
Maybe we can! This is why I mentioned that we come from engineering/academic backgrounds. We haven't really ever had such a big group discussion about specific sex topics before, so this has been neat. I gather that maybe a lot of the people posting on here live on the east coast? Makes me sad that we can't just drive to a get-together or event about these topics!The posts, whether applicable to our original post or not, have been interesting and I appreciate the majority of them.
AutumnalTone
New member
It most certainly is not.
I'll also weigh in here with the position that trying to police a partner's thoughts is unreasonable and dysfunctional. That's not part of a healthy relationship.
That involves a gross mischaracterization of consenting relationships. That's a rather ugly dysfunction. She doesn't have any say over whether or not you view porn, for it's not part of your relationship with her. You don't require permission to have a relationship with yourself, and porn usage is wholly personal.
This is one of those things that involve a hard boundary for me. There wouldn't be any attempt to invite discussion on the matter. If a partner of mine attempted to tell me what I couldn't read/view/listen to, or how I had to think about something, my response would be quite direct: "Why in hell would you think you have anything to say about that? You have no standing in that matter."
Oh. Hell. No.
(my emphasis)
Yes, this makes a huge difference, from my perspective. For me, the idea that sex is between people who care about each other as people is one of the very attractive aspects of poly, as compared with other kinds of honest non-monogamy.
MichelleZed
New member
But now we're talking about artistic considerations, and I really don't think we should attach moral judgements to something that's really a matter of taste.
Like, two string quartets performing Beethoven's Op. 18 No. 1. The first string quartet just got together this year and are still students at a prestigious music school. Their performance may have an exciting raw edge to it, but they won't have the same kind of maturity and effortless ensemble that the second string quartet, which has been playing together for two decades, will bring to the performance. We can find something to love about each performance, and a thousand other performances besides, but which one is *better* is a matter of artistic taste.
Porn actors are performers, whether they do it professionally or as amateurs. Do the performer's personal relationships with each other affect the production? Absolutely. Porn with an amateur married couple, who love each other and have been having sex for years, adds a certain magic, I think.
But does that make their performance *morally* better? Should we be getting all uppity about how other performers decide to make their productions? Should we feel like one video of a man and a woman fucking is morally okay to watch, because (we assume) they are in love, but a similar video of two other people who aren't amateurs is just degenerate crap and anyone who watches it obviously has problems with intimacy? That seems a little judgmental.
Because, ultimately, they're both videos of a penis going in a vagina. The performer's relationships, the budget of the production, etc., can all make differences in the artistic quality of the production, but it shouldn't make a difference in the moral question of whether we should watch it or not.
Like, two string quartets performing Beethoven's Op. 18 No. 1. The first string quartet just got together this year and are still students at a prestigious music school. Their performance may have an exciting raw edge to it, but they won't have the same kind of maturity and effortless ensemble that the second string quartet, which has been playing together for two decades, will bring to the performance. We can find something to love about each performance, and a thousand other performances besides, but which one is *better* is a matter of artistic taste.
Porn actors are performers, whether they do it professionally or as amateurs. Do the performer's personal relationships with each other affect the production? Absolutely. Porn with an amateur married couple, who love each other and have been having sex for years, adds a certain magic, I think.
But does that make their performance *morally* better? Should we be getting all uppity about how other performers decide to make their productions? Should we feel like one video of a man and a woman fucking is morally okay to watch, because (we assume) they are in love, but a similar video of two other people who aren't amateurs is just degenerate crap and anyone who watches it obviously has problems with intimacy? That seems a little judgmental.
Because, ultimately, they're both videos of a penis going in a vagina. The performer's relationships, the budget of the production, etc., can all make differences in the artistic quality of the production, but it shouldn't make a difference in the moral question of whether we should watch it or not.
If that is all it is, then I agree it makes no difference. But if the fact that a couple love each other comes over in one vid, and not in another, that makes a difference that I feel is a moral one.
And if the love is acted, that is fine: it is the depiction of sex without love, and even more so the depiction in some porn of people treating others as no more than a sex object, that raises any moral issues that there are.
I put it as vaguely as that, as I am genuinely unclear how far I regard my own position as simply a matter of taste, or as a moral one. It seems to me to have aspects of both.
MichelleZed
New member
Guess I'm an immoral person and I should be ashamed of myself because I have sex with people I don't love (or have done so and would again)?
Good to know; I forgot to do that. I'll start right now.
MichelleZed
New member
NeonKaos, basically you are a huge slut and should be immediately kicked out of the poly club for not being deeply in love while having sex at all times. Because poly is about love. Having sex for fun or because it was hot makes you a horrible, immoral person, worthy of all of our scorn.
Please return your poly membership card on your way out.
Also, if you videotaped yourself having this loveless sex, I absolutely would not watch it because it would give me impure thoughts.
Please return your poly membership card on your way out.
Also, if you videotaped yourself having this loveless sex, I absolutely would not watch it because it would give me impure thoughts.
TruckerPete
New member
*snork*
Oh gaud, no. The only times I've ever been video'd was either while having sex with someone I love or while masturbating (same thing). I do draw the line at some point (in chalk). PM me and I'll send them to you (actually, my boyfriend has them so I can't send you those but I could make new ones).
AnnabelMore
Active member
To be honest, that's the only sort of porn that gets me off. Whether it be erotic stories, art, comics, videos with real people, or just fantasies in my head, I need to see people being used and abused. I don't consider it a moral issue, as I would never, ever condone that sort of thing happening in real life without enthusiastic consent. What can I say? I'm kinky.
Carma
New member
Polyamory IS about love! Isn't it???? Translation: Poly = "many" + amor = "love"
Maybe I'm in the wrong place.