Physical intimacy with friends

It isn't ruining a friendship really. I was just told something that meant that he MIGHT lose interest, (he said in the past once he made a "conquest" he moves on.) I am assuming this is from his much earlier past life, I don't think he has lived for probably at least 15 years. I don't really like that idea. I don't like making the connection and then being tossed aside. That just doesn't work for me. I don't get it and i might not end up having sex because of it. And it really is a really sweet situation.... grr.
 
SoCalExile said:
But isn't that probably the primary reason sex does ruin friendships?
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That's my point. Sex ruins friendships, because most people already go into it with that idea. It takes a lot to make someone think differently.
 
TruckerPete said:
I had a friend in university who had terrible luck with women. He had a lot of trouble meeting gals he liked, and was rejected a lot. It was sad, because he was a wonderful person. He felt unloveable and unattractive. I told him this was absolutely not the case at all. And he looked at me and said, "Really? Would YOU sleep with me?" as if that was an absurd idea. I told him that of course I would.

So we did. Just that once. It was wonderful to show him how much I cared about him. And I think he really needed to see that from someone. And honestly, our friendship didn't change, except to deepen.

Like I said, that's just one facet, more of a sex for healing type of thing. But maybe that makes my meaning a little clearer?
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I think I get where you are coming from with this, but what I don't get is what your confusion is...

I used to be a friend that fucked their friends to show them I loved them when they thought they weren't worth anything to anyone. I slept with most of my high school friends as a result. It was awesome to be able to give like that.

Unfortunately, one or two bragged about it, and I got to be known as a slut. I was deeply hurt and began to lose trust, because I didn't know which friend had bragged. Small towns in Northern Canada... gotta love em. :rolleyes: I still haven't lived that down, and my being poly now has not helped. They think its just an extension of my slutdom. To them, being a slut does not empower. There is no New Age of sex-positive shit going on there.

I have a friend that just experienced the same thing as I had this last summer. She is in her 30s. She saw herself as a sexual healer to her best guy friend, until the guy began to mistreat her by using her for sex and seeing her as a slut. He would get drunk and brag about it and tell everyone that she was a slut, so he fucks her because of that. Really awful, but not uncommon. I think a lot of women, and perhaps men, are inherently sexual healers, but have been used and abused so often they don't trust anyone anymore, and don't give themselves to others that way anymore. It becomes self preservation, I think.

It's a fine line to tread, and one must be very trustworthy and see when things are getting off course. The only women I have seen do it right are the ones that get paid. I have another friend that is a sex-trade worker, and she has Johns that come to her home and pay for the service of being touched, "loved," cared for and having sex. I once thought that should have been my vocation. I think I could handle the slut treatment in the context of being paid. Besides, it's all usually underground anyway, and the men don't confess to anyone they are buying sex, so no one gets the drunken "I fucked her because she is a slut" comments. Woot, go prostitution. My friend cares for her regulars, but has a firm idea of where the boundaries are. I am thinking now of being a professional Dominatrix/Mistress for this very reason... no sex, but a whole lot of being bossed around by a woman that cares for her men. Who knows? Maybe one day I might pull it off. :D

Of course, it doesn't always happen that people get fucked over by those they have sex with out of care and love for the person they are with... People do benefit. It sounds like you have not experienced the downside, TP. I dearly hope you never do.
 
redpepper said:
I think I get where you are coming from with this, but what I don't get is what your confusion is...
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I am more wanting to see if others have experienced similar feelings about sex and friends. Now I'm feeling a little less like an anomaly! You've got the sexual healing part down for me. I definitely identify with that. And the other part, the one that I was less sure about where it was coming from, has been explained to me by GS's second post, Indie and SoCal. It's insightful to see where other people fall on the spectrum. I appreciate that perspective.

I guess the driving factor for my question was to figure out if it was something I needed to work on, or if it was a natural thing about me. I think the only improvement I need to make now is just being a little more cognizant of other's boundaries and beliefs.

redpepper said:
Of course, it doesn't always happen that people get fucked over by those they have sex with out of care and love for the person they are with... people do benefit. It sounds like you have not experienced the downside, TP. I dearly hope you never do.
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Thank you. I count myself lucky. I'm sure it will happen at some point, to be honest, but I do my best to be choosy. Aside from one ex in university with a Madonna/whore complex, the only time I'm called slut now is in bedroom play. :D
 
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