Understanding Polyamory

F

FeyLady

New member
Hello,

My 27-year-old older sister recently came out on Google+ as poly and bi. My mother has known for a week or two, but I found out through the social media outlet. Her post said the following (because she posted it publicly, I don't feel I am invading her privacy):

"I'm polyamorous and I'm bi. Take me for who I am, ask me questions if you want, but if you don't like it, move on. I'm not changing for you."

My mother and I were a bit confused and hurt by this post because, as a family, we are generally very open and have never asked her to change herself. (I should mention that we are not telling my father, who still thinks that sexuality is a choice.) We're not entirely sure where this anger, or appearance of anger, is coming from. In the last few years, my sister has pulled away from our extended family and skips most family events. She and I have never had a good relationship, but I always chalked that up to our extreme differences of personality. We don't live near each other and rarely talk, but there is no on-going feud or animosity.

I am straight and mono, but have many gay and bisexual friends. This is, however, my first interaction with polyamory. I was hoping I could get some insights to how the relationships work and how I can further understand my sister's lifestyle. Any thoughts would be great!
 
FeyLady said:
My 27-year-old older sister recently came out on google+ as poly and bisexual... "I'm polyamorous and I'm bi. Take me for who I am, ask me questions if you want, but if you don't like it, move on. I'm not changing for you."

I was hoping I could get some insights to how the relationships work and how I can further understand my sister's lifestyle. Any thoughts would be great!
Click to expand...
It's great that you want to know more. Polyamory is often defined as something like "the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved." It is a form of "ethical non-monogamy."

But, really, beyond having a focus on honesty in handling multiple loving relationships, there are a gazillion ways to live polyamorously. Therefore, there really is no one specific "poly lifestyle" to tell you about; hence, no one can tell you how your sister embraces and lives poly, other than your sister.

In her announcement on Google+, she said to ask her questions if you want. I would take that as an invitation to find out directly from her what polyamory means to her, and how she lives her life. Consider it also an opportunity to connect with your sis again and get to know her better.
 
I wouldn't necessarily take it personally. Her defensiveness may well have had nothing to do with family. Maybe she's received critical retractions from friends, or is just generally afraid of rejection and is trying to rip off the coming-out Band-Aid all at once.

This is a wonderful site for learning more: www.morethantwo.com. But really, ask her questions if you want to know more about her life. Everyone's poly is different!
 
I certainly agree, I wouldn't take it personally at all, unless you and your mom were the only people who get her updates. She might have pulled away from family BECAUSE of tenseness about not being able to be honest with people about who she is. Making an attempt to talk to her lovingly and openly could make all the difference to her in the world, right now.
 
You have an incredible opportunity here! I am excited for you, actually. She has invited you to ask questions, support her, find out more about her life and become closer. Her attitude comes from fear of rejection, not from anger. Don't show her that you will reject her; use it as an opportunity to be closer.

If I were you, I would read up on polyamory, so that anything that could shock you won't. Then show her how much you know by asking about how she does polyamory. Ask her if she has any partners, ask her if you could meet them some time; tell her about this forum, as it is a place for support; let her know that you think she is very brave to have come out, but that you are so glad she did, because it means you get to understand her more, even if poly is not the choice you picked.

Then let her talk and make herself vulnerable to you. Listen and be there for her. She doesn't have an easy road, but it will be made easier if she knows she has an advocate in her family. :)
 
The thing is, I think I would just end up typing "Check out the link in my signature line" a lot when posting in this section, which I guess is a few fewer characters? But functionally it'd be about the same. :p
 
Hello Feylady,

FeyLady said:
My mother and I were a bit confused and hurt by this post because, as a family, we are generally very open and have never asked her to change herself. (I should mention that we are not telling my father, who still thinks that sexuality is a choice.) We're not entirely sure where this anger, or appearance of anger, is coming from.
Click to expand...

So, does this bubble you have been living in have a name? Or do you just call it 'bubble'?

Okay, enough being factious.

You seriously don't get the struggles people from alternative lifestyles and belief systems deal with in trying to navigate the normal world? So it seems. How else could one suffer from shock and awe? LOL

It seems this can be a real eye-opening experience for you, a chance to see and learn about how a large segment of the population lives, what they endure. Maybe some wisdom and empathy will accompany this.

Good luck. Embrace it.
 
New to Poly

Also, if this is a new thing for herm she might still be defining what it means to her. So, it's good to ask questions, but be careful not to grill her, and if she doesn't know how to answer something, or has an imperfect answer, don't pick it apart. Sometimes it's hard to explain yourself when you are still learning about yourself. Be understanding. It already sounds like you are. :)
 
It is easy enough to feel constantly under attack.

I have to be careful not to mention the lovely evening Shannon and I shared with Jamie, Morgan and Sascha. It was a great evening, a joy I wish to share with others, but imparting such information to some people is frowned upon, and may even result in lost friendships. At the very least, "What did you do on the weekend?" is a question filled with potential "danger," in case I should accidentally mention to the wrong work colleague just what I did.

I have to be careful not to mention the tentative relationship Shannon is pursuing with Sascha to certain people. And that hurts me, because I am so excited.

The "I'm not changing" may not be directed to family, but rather to others. In my case, this would be a couple of dear friends I have had since primary school, who are wonderfully supportive and kind, but simply would NOT cope with the whole poly thing.

Although, she is out, which is more than what I can say for Shannon and me! Many of our friends have come out lately. We have an advantage of having no family living nearby, so we haven't had to explain our at times odd living relationships, as our family is not likely to show up unannounced. We shall possibly come out in our own time, once we are working in different industries, where we wouldn't potentially lose our jobs.
 
LittleSara said:
Also, if this is a new thing for her, she might still be defining what it means to her. Sometimes it's hard to explain yourself when you are still learning about yourself.
Click to expand...

We don't know that it is new. The OP says that her sis did start to distance herself from family several years ago. She only recently came out, but the defensiveness could be related to having been in the closet for years.

So, FeyLady, have you spoken to her yet?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top