New to the community, seeking guidance.

M

Mooseknuckles

New member
Hello Forum!

I've been dating a beautiful young women for a year now. We are very much in love. She's been honest with me about her bisexuality since she found the trust in me to do so. To be honest, I'm pretty excited about the concept, but have no practical experience. I'm looking for any advice from those who care to take the time to share it with me.

While I could just have random sexual encounters with miscellaneous third parties, it's not what we want. I'm not just going to share her with anyone. My first concern is in finding a suitable partner, as my GF is very modest and timid, so the job of finding another woman is falling on my shoulders. I've never had any problem in this regard in the past, but this is a whole new dynamic that I'm a little sheepish about.

I've always treated the women in my life very well, and have had many great relationships as a result. Most still continue to this day as friendships. I'm trying to avoid as many common mistakes as possible, hopefully, with your help.

Is it wise for me to be seeking the other partner at all?

Do I ease into the 'I have a GF who'd like to meet you' conversation over time, or just start with it?

Any advice you could offer would be greatly appreciated.

Thanx,
Moose
 
For the love of god, don't be these people:
http://www.obsidianfields.com/lj/hotbibabe-flowchart-large.gif

Further, there are some good thoughts here, from the perspective of the potential new person, that might also be helpful for you: http://www.morethantwo.com/coupledating.html

Beyond that, be polite, completely honest and open, and forward without being pressure-y. My gf's husband did the same thing you're doing and two years later she and I are still together, so it *can* work. :)

Also, know your audience. My gf's husband's approach might be too strong for some people. But he knew I was a sexually-adventurous person and I'd expressed interest in them many years ago in college, so he was fairly sure I wouldn't take it amiss. He basically just said, "Hey, Gia and I are finally over the debacle that was our last gf, and we're ready to try opening our marriage again. You're at the top of our list for people we think are really hot and awesome and sane. Would you be interested in a threesome? Maybe Thursday? No worries if not. We'll find someone else to ask."

No assumption that I'd date one or both of them. No pretenses that this was really all about me, and that they weren't looking generally. It was just casual hot times to start, but it ended up turning into something pretty deep for Gia and me.
 
You are looking for a unicorn? Have you done a search here for "unicorn"? Go to the search engine and have a look. To me, there is nothing like reading other people's stories to see how it could work out.

There are a lot of couples looking for a bi woman to join them. Good luck. I have never known one single time when that has worked out for the long haul, past the initial sexy NRE time. Triads that work seem to be built out of friends that all grow into it, or couples that are very independent and are able to accomplish having other partners that they either share or don't.

Sorry to be a downer about this, but I hate to see couples go to so much effort for an illusion. What you are looking for seems to be just that.
 
@redpepper

I'm not really looking for a 'unicorn' (stupid label, I might add) at all. I've known plenty of amazing, beautiful, young bi women. Maybe I'm just lucky. I fully expect this to be a complex endeavour, but no more then any successful mono relationship. I'm just looking to people with more experience in such situations to help me along.

I've based all my previous relationships on honesty and expect this is the best course to follow in this case.

With roughly half the mono marriages in North America ending in divorce these days, I find your claim that it's an illusion a little dubious. A successful relationship of any type needs the right formula to balance the equation. I'm just trying to figure out the way to work with a new variable. I just want to avoid as much of the trial and error as possible.

@AnnabelMore

Thanks for your reply. Your insight has been very helpful. I'm not the type of person to make a 'How to have a threesome' flow chart, but that's f*king hilarious, honestly.
 
Mooseknuckles said:
I'm not really looking for a 'unicorn' (stupid label, I might add) at all. I've known plenty of amazing, beautiful, young bi women. Maybe I'm just lucky. I fully expect this to be a complex endeavour, but no more then any successful mono relationship. I'm just looking to people with more experience in such situations to help me along. I've based all my previous relationships on honesty and expect this is the best course to follow in this case. With roughly half the mono marriages in North America ending in divorce these days, I find your claim that it's an illusion a little dubious. A successful relationship of any type needs the right formula to balance the equation. I'm just trying to figure out the way to work with a new variable. I just want to avoid as much of the trial and error as possible.
Click to expand...
Do you know what a unicorn is? Its a common term in poly. Check the tags and our Glossary for more. Do an online search if you don't want to read here.

If you are looking for a woman to "join your relationship" exclusively, then you are looking for a unicorn. Is that what you are looking for?
 
Sorry, yes. I'm fully aware of the term and its general use, I just think it's dumb to generalize with such a broad label for such a diverse group of women. I'd say my girl and I are looking to explore the opportunities presented to us. Would we both like to find another amazing women to join us and live happily ever after? Of course we would, but neither of us expect any certainties in life.
 
I understand your wanting to do this the right way, and I in NO way want to tell you how to do that. Might I suggest, however, that this be something the two of you do together? I completely understand that your wife is shy and timid, but this is a hypothetical woman that apparently you both want to build a lasting relationship with. To that end, it will take the work of both of you, not just you. I have found that in order to make someone work within your already established relationship, though, that you might start as friends and see where that goes.

I wish you luck on your search, and I hope you find what you both are looking for.
 
@countrygirl

Thanks for the positive comments. I agree totally. She's just not confident in meeting new women, especially ones she's attracted to. I have no problem in this regard, so she'd prefer I find like-minded women to introduce her to. It took her and me some time to establish the level of trust to even talk about this. I assume it will take just as long to establish this trust with someone else, but, I'd feel weird keeping the fact I'm in this relationship hidden until such a time. I think that would justifiably lose all the trust I'd earned. Maybe I'm thinking about it too hard. I'd just hate to string any good mono women along. I guess I'm just lacking the self confidence to ask a girl out and include the important detail that I'm in this relationship already. It's just been my experience that many bi girls aren't openly bi.
 
@moose:

I can totally see where you are coming from. I would even have to agree with you, that starting a "new" relationship is hard enough without "hiding" a part of yourself from that person. I do not think you are thinking too hard. This is a lot to process, and to see you making an effort to be honest and go about this the "right" way is refreshing, because there are lots of people that would not be so careful. Kudos!
 
When it comes to finding partners for triads, it seems that looking separately without the expectation to find someone who would love you both seems to work better. Quite often bi women don't fall in love with both people in a couple, but only one. They end up only loving one in a romantic way. It seems that triads that work out are built on friendships first, that build into romance over time. Perhaps finding people to build friendships with first would mean moving into a vee situation of a triad situation, if the chemistry is right. Starting from the get-go with the expectation of love and romance between all three is a lot of pressure on the hypothetical bi woman. Almost all bisexual women, from my experience, just won't take that on, mostly because they have been used in the past.
 
Mooseknuckles said:
I've been dating a beautiful young women for a year now. We are very much in love. She's been honest with me about her bisexuality since she found the trust in me to do so. To be honest, I'm pretty excited about the concept, but have no practical experience. I'm looking for any advice from those who care to take the time to share it with me. While I could just have random sexual encounters with miscellaneous third parties, it's not what we want. I'm not just going to share her with anyone. My first concern is in finding a suitable partner, as my GF is very modest and timid, so the job of finding another woman is falling on my shoulders. I've never had any problem in this regard in the past, but this is a whole new dynamic that I'm a little sheepish about. I've always treated the women in my life very well and have had many great relationships as a result, I'm trying to avoid as many common mistakes as possible, hopefully.

Is it wise for me to be seeking the other partner at all?

Do I ease into the 'I have a GF who'd like to meet you' conversation over time, or just start with it?
Click to expand...


Ugh, I have had creepy guys on OK Cupid asking me to join them and their gfs for sex. I have had creepy guys on OK Cupid asking to join me and my gf for... you guessed it, sex.

I know it's every man's dream, but honestly? I am not that easy and neither is my gf. Maybe it's because were are in our mid 30s and mid 50s, respectively.

If I wanna fuck a guy, I find a guy to fuck. If I wanna fuck a girl, I've got my gf for that.
 
Mooseknuckles said:
She's been honest with me about her bisexuality... I'm pretty excited about the concept but have no practical experience... While I could just have random sexual encounters with third parties, it's not what we want. I'm not just going to share her with anyone. My first concern is in finding a suitable partner. My GF is very timid, so the job of finding another woman is falling on my shoulders. I've never had any problem in this regard in the past, but this is a whole new dynamic that I'm a little sheepish about. I'm trying to avoid as many common mistakes as possible, hopefully with your help.

Is it wise for me to be seeking the other partner?
Click to expand...

Moose,

First, do moose have knuckles? I'm very curious!

Second, and more importantly, your GF may be modest and timid, but this is not something you should be doing for her.

Have you talked about her wants, about why she is bisexual? Some women just want to have sensual touch with other women, but are not as into sexual relationships. Some want to have sex with women, but not emotional relationships. Some are bi-amorous, meaning they could fall in love with other women (as well as men). There are as many variations as there are women.

Does she want threesomes with you and another woman? Does she want separate sex with a woman, apart from you? Does she want something more casual, less emotionally involved? Maybe she wants a full-blown triad, where all three of you are involved together? Or is it something in between?

It sounds like you, personally, are more interested in an emotional connection with a possible female partner. Does your GF share this ideal? It's okay if she doesn't know. There is a lot to figure out, and it can certainly change over time and circumstances. It's also okay if you don't know yourself what you want. But certainly, you two need to talk a lot about what you each want, individually, and what you both want, as a couple.
 
Mooseknuckles said:
I've been dating a beautiful young women for a year. We are very much in love. She's been honest with me about her bisexuality since she found the trust in me to do so. To be honest, I'm pretty excited about the concept, but have no practical experience. (...) I'm not just going to share her with anyone.
Click to expand...

When I first read your post, it wasn't clear to me that you were looking for a threesome. I'm confused, does "her bisexuality" automatically include you being there at the same time?

Speaking as a shy woman who is pansexual, I can relate to the difficulty in meeting and *eep* talking to women. I turn into something like an awkward pubescent boy when I'm around pretty girls. So I actually don't disagree with the principle of helping her find dates. People have been setting up blind dates since the dawn of time, and many good relationships have started that way.

If a guy came up to me in a bar and said, "My girlfriend over there thinks you're really hot and wants to take you home, but she's shy. Don't worry, I'm not some creepy guy who's going to ask to watch, or worse, join in. I just want her to have the experience because I support her, but I'll go crash at a buddy's place," then there's a good chance I would consider it, if I were attracted to her, and so on.

If a guy came up to me in a bar and said, "My girlfriend wants you to come home with us and have a threesome" then I would probably throw my drink in his face.

Lastly, you have to own something to share it. You may support her, encourage her, and help her... but she will be the one sharing herself.
 
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Unicorn-- I love the term, personally, because I think it's appropriate for what it describes. Yes, there are plenty of beautiful, available, bisexual women. That doesn't mean any of them will be a perfect fit for both people at the same time, in terms of a long-lasting emotional relationship.

But from what I've heard, there actually are a surprising number of women willing to just jump into a sexual threesome with a MF couple. I'm not one of them. Most women on this forum aren't, but that's because this is polyamory.com, not 3ways4u.com. :D
 
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